It sounds like your struggle with uncertainty my be moving into the director of depression (it did for me) so I’m glad your taking steps. Well done.

I like listing to the sound of waves to help me to sleep when such anxieties arise. It also help when I stop worrying about not sleeping.  I would get in a state were I was worrying about worrying, feeling bad about feeling bad… really unhelpful but in hind site funny? (I can say that now, but not at the time) I still do that, worry about worry, wishing if only this or that…, but am quick to notice and instead of beating my self up, acknowledge the feelings, and do something. Getting a glass of water is often enough to ‘reset’.

Other helpful advise I was given. Uncertainty is linked to Fear and more often then not a Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. (F.E.A.R) That is why when you shine a light on fear (be present in the moment) it disappears.

I was also told about the Rule of Charity which goes: If there are many possible explanations for a experience you have, and its not possible to determine which possibility is the more likely, or your not going to invest time to determine which is most likely, then choose the better story.  I have avoided a lot of worry, hurt feelings and the waste of time of ‘being offended’ with being kind to others as well as myself. (Not wishful thinking, but a honest check to see if we need to do something about what we think/feel happened or is happening or we are upset about what we imagine happened or might happen. – note the latter tends to move us into the past or future, seldom the present moment)

Lastly, That we work for that which no work is required. The calm and grace you seek is already within, the only requirement is to say Yes. Just as it takes a healthy ego to let of of ego, control, fear…. we have to work to get to saying yes to life as it is which allovers us to engage it with intention, without forcing it) And so we return home.

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time. – TS Elliot

If that resonates in anyway you may enjoy  ‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho

Anyway I wish you the best. There is a time for all things, be kind to yourself.

Hi Dee

My experience in relationships should always be where I am evolving and growing? The experience should be an ebb and flow? Where there is conflict and pushback concerning love whether it be from me or the other person are key signals that should alert me?

I think your story cough my attention because its something I also wonder about. When do we know when were asking for to much or not enough. In relationship we seek out a ebb and flow of balance.  I think that feeling of being alone and sadness that you describe so well is a alert that something is out of balance.

Knowing what it is that we authentically need is one thing. Learning how to ask for what we need in relationship is another. Both require work and a relationship ought to be a safe place to do that work (play with that balance). Of course even here balance and discernment is required. Few enjoy a relationship which is under constant analyses and work.  (I like the perspective of play here. Few things tends to be either or. Healthy flexible boundaries, there is a time for all things)

Counseling I suspect could help, personal and or couple. Not about blame, we all fail each other in some ways. Its a question of about better if better is possible. I related to your feeling of loneliness you described and I can’t believe that is the best we should expect from relationship and doubt Love/Life will accept loneliness as growth.

May I ask how you experience the giving and receiving love?
I ask because most of us assume we know what love is but my observation is that we don’t and so accept less then what we deserve.  Or worse don’t believe we deserve better. Better the experience we know then the uncertainty without it?

In my life, there’s been heartache and pain
I don’t know if I can face it again
Can’t stop now, I’ve traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Peter.

I apologize that the above is so abstract and likely unhelpful.

I have spent so long saying no to life and trying to fix it. Trying to make life  conform to how I thought it should be. Following the rules in hope of a future reward… so never being in the moment. Judging, measuring and getting it wrong more often then not, Its exhausting.
The challenge today is staying engaged with life and avoiding the trap of indifference. To say Yes, and lean on Yes even when I am uncertain.

You may find the book, “Learning to Fall: The Blessings of an Imperfect Life” by Philip Simmons, helpful.

Philip found away to say Yes to life and engage it even as he was dying.

Now I find myself in late August, with the nights cool and the crickets thick in the fields. Already the first blighted leaves glow scarlet on the red maples. It’s a season of fullness and sweet longings made sweeter now by the fact that I can’t be sure I’ll see this time of the year again…

We have all suffered, and will suffer, our own falls. The fall from youthful ideals, the waning of physical strength, the failure of a cherished hope, the loss of our near and dear, the fall into injury or sickness, and late or soon, the fall to our certain ends. We have no choice but to fall, and little say as to the time or the means.

Perhaps, however, we do have some say in the manner of our falling. That is, perhaps we have a say in matters of style. As kids we all played the game of leaping from a diving board or dock, and before hitting the water striking some outrageous or goofy pose: axe-murderer, Washington crossing the Delaware, rabid dog. Maybe it comes to no more than this. But I’d like to think that learning to fall is more than merely a matter of posing, more than an opportunity to play it for laughs. In fact, I would have it that in the way of our falling we have the opportunity to express our essential humanity…

Here is where we go wrong. For at its deepest level’s life is not a problem, but a mystery. The distinction, which I borrow from the philosopher Gabriel Marcel, is fundamental: problems are to be solved, true mysteries are not. Personally, I wish I could have learned this lesson more easily—without, perhaps, having to give up my tennis game. But each of us finds his or her own way to mystery. At one time or another, each of us confronts an experience so powerful, bewildering, joyous, or terrifying that all our efforts to see it as a “problem” are futile. Each of us is brought to the cliff’s edge. At such moments we can either back away in bitterness or confusion, or leap forward into mystery. And what does mystery ask of us? Only that we be in its presence, that we fully, consciously, hand ourselves over. That is all, and that is everything. We can participate in mystery only by letting go of solutions. This letting go is the first lesson of falling, and the hardest….

We are all—all of us—falling. We are all, now, this moment, in the midst of that descent, fallen from heights that may now seem only a dimly remembered dream, falling toward a depth we can only imagine, glimpsed beneath the water’s surface shimmer. And so let us pray that if we are falling from grace, dear G_d let us also fall with grace, to grace. If we are falling toward pain and weakness, let us also fall toward sweetness and strength. If we are falling toward death, let us also fall toward life.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Peter.

Hi Relic

We fall in love, we fall out of love…  it seams we are always falling and so if we are falling let us hope that we fall with grace to grace.  What is this love that can be falling into and out off?

I can’t give advice about your experience but would like to take a shot at the question you asked

Does Buddhism promote deep commitment to marriage, deep backbone through hard times, showing up in all the ways emotionally and being warm, kind and caring?

I think and feel that in its intended form it does. The practice leading to being fully present to oneself and others.

My observations however is that the practice often leads to indifference rather then the intended ‘detachment’  and engagement with life. The middle way is a difficult balance.

Sitting quietly by a lake its a great experience, engaging in life from a place of stillness not so easy. Life is messy and when starting the practice one might not be aware of the desire to remain at the lake and mistake that for engagement with life and being present to what shows up. Such detachment were nothing is allowed to touch us often becomes indifference

TS Eliot put it this way

“At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;
Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,
But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.” ― T.S. Eliot

Being still, we discover becomes the source of movement, fully present to life, we dance.

May I ask why you chose the handle Relic?

Relic: an object surviving from an earlier time, especially one of historical or sentimental interest but now outmoded.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Peter.

Hi Anoob

Your correct, managing does not mean control, though managing can become an tool of control. And your right the practice of healthy detachment (boundaries)  can be difficult to develop let alone put into practice in the moment. But that’s why its a practice.

Your on the right track wanting to find a better way to respond to your emotions rather then react to them. Be kind to yourself as you work towards that goal. As you learn better do better. What more can we ask of ourselves or others.

I wish you well

Hi C Eagle

Tinny Buddha is not a political forum. The majority of the articles are about looking inward for self improvement while the majority of threads are about seeking help for relationships troubles. Other concerns tend to be around existential angst of meaning and purpose. If your looking for political engagement  this is probably the wrong site.

The treads that may appear to be political tend to be more about the difficulty with communication in a calm and helpful manner with those that disagree with you. Being authentic to ones experiences and values, finding ones voice with healthy boundaries without demonizing opponents. No easy task. Its clear that your post was not meant to demonize yet read from a different perspective could be experienced as a such.

In one such threads I made a comment were I explored the idea of ‘taking offense’ and preferring the stoic response which someone tagged as inappropriate. I didn’t take offence, my first attempt was badly done and did stray into the political which I regretted.  These thing are difficult to talk about.  I like to think I can uses these experiences to learn from.

I agree their is a deep seated fear among many in the world today.  This site attempts to help people navigate the fears they may be experiencing by first looking inward and doing so being better able to respond vice react to our fears (which more often then not is false evidence appearing real.) The goal is not to demonize but compassion for ourselves and others. Of course we don’t always live up to our best selves.

I wish you well Eagle

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Peter.

Sorry I didn’t indent to submit the above.

These are such crazy times

“The Stoic philosophers taught that if you choose not to be offended by others’ actions, you will not be. An offense is up to your interpretation. Instead, treat others with kindness and assert your autonomy.”

The stoics were saying that to be offended requires participation. Thus the one offended ought to ask themselves why they are feeling offended. Any answer requires a good deal of self knowledge.  Being offended because you disagree with someone is not a good reason to be offended and likely not the real reason.  Taking offence tends to be personal. I feel offended because what someone said or did was experienced as a attack on my sense of self, identify, ego….

In a better climate when someone is offended because of something you wrote a response saying that you are sorry that they feel offended as that was not your intent might be enough to smooth things over and you might even be able to ask them to explain what part of what you said offended them.  If its a disagreement you could have a dialog about that. If they felt what you said was a attack on their sense of self you could review your statements to see if your wording could have been interpreted that way and correct any unintentional misunderstandings,  however their isn’t much more you can do about that. In this case it is a opportunity of the offended to take a inward look at themselves to determine what they are attaching their sense of self with and if that truly represents them. If they can do that they would be better able to enter back into dialog.

These are difficult times for dialog. Everyone is offended it seems all the time. Its hard. When my family and friends defend, support and give their loyalty and support to a Man who’s character I don’t think deserve such loyalty its hard not to feel and look at them differently. I’d like to say I could do so with compassion while still standing up for what I think and value. I like to think I try but if I’m honest I tend towards being silenced. I suspect what is happening to our society is not about politics.

We tend to create what we fear when we are blind to our shadows and it takes work to shine the light on ourselves let along for others to see. I am at a loss