Begs the question: What defines a mistake? When does a mistake become a mistake?

Dear  uclmerc:

Reading your post the thought that came to mind is that you have already decided the future of this relationship. Their is nothing wrong with the relationship but its missing something. Love is the requirement for all relationships however love does not mean a relationship is meant to be.

If I’m correct you may be unconsciously ‘testing’ your partner and looking for failures. Even setting him up for failures. The failures giving you ‘permission’ to be upset and end things or perhaps make life so difficult he ends things. You don’t  need to seek out this type of ‘permission’.  This unconscious testing can become a unintentional form of ‘gas lighting’ where both parties begin to question there reality – especially the one being “tested”. Having been on the receiving end I can tell you its very painful way to end things.

Re-read your post and ask yourself if you haven’t already made your decision and then be honest with your self and partner.

Be kind to yourself

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Peter.

As a person with tinnitus what you describe very much sounds like tinnitus. Tinnitus has many causes and or is a symptom of many things such as hearing loss, medication, blood pressure, diet.  My understand is that the brain is trying to adapt to a sound it expects to hear. In a odd way tinnitus is the sound of no sound.

researchers say that the absence of sound caused by hearing loss in certain frequencies, due to normal aging, loud-noise exposure, or to an accident, forces the brain to produce sounds to replace what is now missing. But when the brain’s limbic system, which is involved in processing emotions and other functions, fails to stop these sounds from reaching conscious auditory processing, tinnitus results

That said you aren’t wrong to pay attention as the ‘volume level’ will change, for example when something induces a change in blood flow, so changes in sound can be revealing with regards to how the current situation is influencing you.

For many people who have tinnitus however that act of paying to close attention to the ringing is enough to increase “volume”, which leads to anxiousness, which leads to louder ringing, repeat, until you feel like your going crazy. So, if you can train yourself to pay attention and remain calm it could become part of a spiritual practice.

For myself my tinnitus has acted as a warning when I’m out of the moment (attached to the moment, fear, desire..) and to stop and ‘calm’ myself.

Hi limbikanimaria

I have no Idea why someone would leave a note like that for someone else with no explanation as more often then not the color black is unfairly associated with negative connotations.  I might guess that this person was asked to leave the conference because of a habit of doing this.

Begs the question as to why the color black is associated as being negative. Perhaps as it is associated with death and death seen as “bad” and or sadly perhaps due to false racial associations.

Symbolically the color black is associated with many things with the qualification of good and or bad dependent on context of the person engaged with the symbol.

Black as a color is not a color, or it is the absence of color, which at the same time gives depth and vibrancy to other color. (as does death provide depth to life). As a symbol the color Black is associated with uncertainty/mystery.  In the west uncertainty is something to fear however it is only with uncertainty that learning is possible.

Black is associated with power, fear, mystery, strength, authority, elegance, formality, death, evil, and aggression, authority, rebellion, and sophistication. In other words  ‘Black’ adds depth to experience.

The art of symbolic language is similar to dream interpretation where it is the dreamer the decides what the symbols in a dream means or points to. This is an engagement where nothing is right or wrong, good or bad, and instead a door to learning something about ourselves.

Contemplating what a ‘black heart’ might mean to you could be illumining as long as you don’t attach a sense of self to the process. This is not a ‘fact’ or ‘objective’ exercises but a subjective one where you pay attention to your intuition and discernment.

All the best

Light likes to think it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it. – Terry Pratchett

I agree with Inky.  When the idea that we influence our reality becomes blaming oneself it becomes unskillful and a victim trope

Here is an allegory

Say there is a dark ally in your neighborhood in which many people have reported being robbed. One day you find yourself running late so decided to take the shortcut through the ally and you get robbed.

Some may argue that you should have know better, so the fault is yours. However, it is not a crime to walk down an ally it is a crime to assault and rob people. Love requires that those that robbed you be held accountable. The guilt is theirs.

On reflection asking yourself why you did what you did may prove helpful, maybe you discover a part of you likes danger or feels that you aren’t a good person and deserve to be hurt.   Those would be important realizations as you probably are at a unconscious level helping to creating those situations where such judgments will be verified.

That does mean you are to blame. When reflecting on the role we play in creating our reality, judgments are unskillful. The idea is to make conscious what is unconscious so that you might write a different script. Learn and do better or don’t, there is no blame. Maybe the next time you don’t walk down the ally maybe you do, this time with a bat… or maybe you engage the community to address the problem.

The word that comes to mind reading your post is “duality”, the problem of dualism which has many forms and were we tend to think in terms of either or. The problem of dualism is related to the problem of opposites. In most wisdom traditions the overcoming and coming to terms with the problem of opposites leads to the realization of oneness with All and with that oneness compassion for all. Here’s the rub, even after that kind realization the question of how to engage with Life, engage with other remains.

“It is said that you can never hurt anyone, you can only hurt yourself.”

From intellectual and spiritual perspective there is truth in that.  Say you stubbed your toe tripping over cloths left on the floor as you got out of bed. You could decide it only hurt your body which will heal but not your experience of ‘self’. Or you could beat your self up for being so stupid for stubbing your toe, such an idiot…  (mind body dualism). Perhaps like most people you will do both, and maybe one being more spiritually skill full then the other. Either way a reasonable action will be to make a habit of keeping your cloths off the floor.

Your friend hurt you. An attribute of love is accountability and responsibility. If we never got to be held accountable nothing we are would matter and we would never learn anything. Engaging in life, engaging with your friend in the moment and addressing the experience is engaging in life. Address the wound and pick up the ‘clothes’ off the floor.

After maybe a time for reflection. What role did I play in the experience? Could I have handled the experience better, what did I learn, what should I work on…. Did I attract the experience by thoughtlessly “tossing my clothes” on the floor? Why would I do that… what does that say about me

Being hurt in relationship is of course much more difficult experience to see through. It wasn’t you who thoughtlessly tossed their cloths on the floor it was you partner… You stubbed your toe on their issues. The process remains the same. Work with your partner to address the problem and maybe, in time, reflect on what the experience is teaching  you.

Hi Jamie: The best advice I’ve gotten about relationships is from the following books which I very much recommend.

• How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving
• The Languages of Love
• Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

As a practice I might also recommend ballroom dance lessons as it requires each person in a partnership to take responsibility for creating space for the partner and at the same time filling space.

Its is said that an aspect of Relationships is to act as the crucible in which we discover ourselves. What this means is that we are going to step on our ‘ghosts.’ (subconscious issues that need healing). One thing ‘ghosts’ love to do is play with other peoples ‘ghosts’. The key to working through these issues, ‘having the ‘ghosts’ move on into the light, is to make them conscious.  Which is where the book recommendations come in.

Wishing you the best