We have a great deal in common. In my opinion the philosophical implication of the parable of the talents when taken literally are horrific. I can’t tell you the fear I felt as a child wondering if I was living up to my potential and hiding my ‘light’ and the punishment I would end up facing for my failures.  And that was before ever questioning why one person would be given more talents then another.

Like you I  attend church out of respect of my family. I no longer have the energy to ‘translate’ the teachings into spiritual language and separate the organisation from the goal.

I agree the words within the bible when viewed literally through the eyes of certainty strips spirituality from them.  That can change when one reads religious tests as poetry and symbolic language but one must be open to symbolic language. Symbolic language can be difficult because it is necessary to let go of certainty and become comfortable with the idea of doubt.

Within the organisation of Church doubt is something to be feared and symbolic language a danger in undermining the organisation. Thus in my view that mar many spiritual growth – the reported goal of the organisation – means that there will come a time where one must leave the organisation.

I was taking to someone the other day who mentioned they had lost their faith yet continued to pray which seems a contradiction. She went on to talk about how she found a different spiritual path.  I suspect that see never lost her faith but had lost her certainty in the words she was taught.   Her experience forced her to acknowledge doubt and that it was in doubt that her world view opened and where could ‘see’ her faith – Faith as in what she leaned on when she didn’t know, when she doubted. Doubted G_d, doubted life, doubted herself.

I know asking such questions will not make you happier. Ignorance is bliss and often its better not to ask the questions. If, however you are like me, once a question has been asked, it can’t be unasked and so you will find yourself continuing to seek out your truths. Like you I was angry abut that, but that’s like being angry that my eyes are brown a waist of energy.

You might find the work of Joseph Campbell helpful. Maybe ‘Myths we live by’. His study of symbolic language and the stories/myth/religions may help you reconcile your experience and anger.

Recognizing that you are depressed is the first step, so you’re on your way. A part of the issue seems to be related to your conciseness fixated on the past and imagining a future that can not be. This tends to be a function of the id or instinctive component of personality. The mind can be like a dog fixated on something barking and barking. Only by diverting the dog’s attention will it stop and often a quick tug on a leash is enough redirect the dog’s attention. Conciseness is like training a dog in that we must learn how to direct it. We need to learn when to let it run and when to have it heel. A part of your recovery will require you to “tug on the leash” a little when your conciseness becomes fixated on unhelpful/unskillful thinking.

You may find talking to a professional helpful. Someone who can view your situation from a impartial perspective.

“We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.” -Seneca

We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality. -Seneca

Reading your post a riddle came to mind – what comes first the chicken or the egg. With regards to depression: Does the story we tell ourselves influence and create depression or does depression influence and create our story. Both?  My observation is that we tend to live the story we tell and depression often starts with the story (conscious or unconscious story) but that we can cross a tipping point were our brain chemistry changes and works against us stopping us from changing the story we tell ourselves and live.

I think you might find talking to a third-party professional helpful in determining how much of your anxiety is a result of the depression and how much is a result of having your conciseness fixated/stuck on your story of a horrible future.  Learning the art of directing your conciseness so that you can be in the moment may also be helpful. The first step is coming to terms with your depression.

You have not ruined your life. You are not your Past. You are not your memories, You are not your thoughts.

As a recovering over thinker with a tendency to fixate on what I’m afraid of I can relate to what your problem.

I found the process of learning to redirect my thoughts took time and practice.  My first step was examining the idea of fear so that I was not fearing fear. The purpose of fear is to get our attention and provide the body with a burst of energy in-order to deal with the immediate threat.

There are three responses to immediate threat fight, flight, or freeze. When the threat is not immediate we still might react as if the threat was immediate and run away or freeze. When the threat is not immediate we can choose to respond to it however if we are not conscious of what we are doing there is a tenancy to use the burst of energy to fixate on the fear where we can’t stop thinking about it, and in this way, get stuck in our fear or Freeze.

The reactive mind does not distinguish between what is an immediate threat and what is not so the first step when one is afraid is to make that conscious. Is what you are afraid of an immediate threat requiring immediate attention. In most cases you will find that the threats and worries are not immediate so there is time to breathe and respond instead of reacting.

The next step is to identify the worry or threat by naming it. What is the worry? What is the Threat?

Fear is often False Evidence Appearing Real (F.E.A.R) and more often then not the things we worry about and fear never happen so naming our fears helps us sort out the real from the imagined.

Once you have named your fear and identify what is real and what is imaged you can take steps to deal with it.  There will be times when you “fight” and time when you accept that you have done what you could, changed what you could and move one “flight” (you’re not running away from it but letting go having the wisdom to know what you can and cannot change) In this way you avoid “Freeze” and becoming stuck and fixated on freeze. (for an immediate danger freeze is a valid option but seldom helpful when the danger is not immediate.)

When I find myself fixated on my fear I remined myself of the following quotes which remind me to redirect my awareness away from the fear and change perspective so that I don’t become stuck

“In racing, they say that your car goes where your eyes go. The driver who cannot tear his eyes away from the wall as he spins out of control will meet that wall; the driver who looks down the track as he feels his tires break free will regain control of his vehicle.” – Garth Stein

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage

The thought experiment of changing the violin strings is interesting. The first thing that struck me was the nature of the question and what was being asked.

Its not possible for an individual to change all the strings of a violin at once so the question needs to be clarified. Is it better to change one string as required or replace all the strings when one string needs replacing? And that is a totally different question and brings up questions on how we view change.

Regardless of the answer in both scenarios, with all strings replaced or not, all the strings would need to be adjusted.  I also suspect that there is an optimal order in which the strings are replaced and adjusted so being knowledgeable and having a good ear (aware) are necessary requirements to making the change successfully.  And of course the strings need to be constantly adjusted to stay in tune so change is a process that does not stop.

In the way the question was asked there was an assumption what was understood by stating that all the strings could be changed all at once.  Depending on where one perceives the change you could equate the process of change as multi tasking. However if we were to watch someone change all the strings of a violin we would see them changing one string at a time. This to me begs the question what is change and how do we perceive it.

My experience of change is that change happens slowly then all at once. Meaning we are not usually aware of all the micro changes that have to take place before we notice change.  Many also have the experience of everything changes and staying the same. Once a single or all the strings were replaced on the violin did the violin change?

With regards to multi tasking I personally don’t believe ego consciousness is capable of it thought the unconscious is. (in the unconscious there is no past, present or future, everything happens in the same moment.)

Ego consciousness is linear where each moment appears to be the product of cause and effect and that this creates the experience time and movement or change. Ego Consciousness divides experience into units of time and process them in that way, one at a time. Instead of multi tasking Ego Consciousness more likely does something like time division multiplexing. Meaning we direct our consciousness on a number of tasks one at a time. We may do this so quickly that it appears we are multi tasking however we are not. We are still focusing our attention on one task at a time, we are still changing one string of the violin one at a time.

I think being conscious of the illusion of multi tasking is important to the process of making changes in our lives. If we have a tendency to focus our limited attention on multiple tasks we many not notice that the first string we attach to the violin is flawed in some way. As well we may not notice that below the surface at a subconscious level many things are occurring that might influence what we hope to change. Its possible at a deep level we might really want to pick up a guitar

I do relate to your suffering and disappointment with “spiritual” teachings. Still I re-challenge you to re-imagine your definition as to what spirituality means if only to let go of your anger.

I no longer equate spirituality with a ‘supernatural being out there’. If such beings exist there is little I can do about such matters and could not spiritually relate to them.

I agree that once one starts down the path of seeking god will lead to frustration and isolation. I to imagine a path where I might have been happier avoiding such a quest.  This I now know. There is no going back.  The questions will continue to haunt one until they push past them.  You may not want to hear this but there is a lot of evidence that the disillusionment and frustration is part of the path of the seeker.  It is during this time that the seeker confronts what they have been taught and their experiences. At this point some will reject it all while others learn to move past the words. Seeing past the words often means leaving the community which is painful but necessarily.

The problem with being a seeker is that we to often fail to notice when we found what we were looking for

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Peter.

The thing about being at a dead end in life is that when you realize that this means you don’t want to repeat the steps that lead you there you discover the way open and that the dead end is actually a gateway.

I think you are on the right track beginning working on forgiveness as the story your telling yourself and creating needs redemption.  I found LB Smedes book Art of forgiveness helpful as well as David Richo work. Perhaps “The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them”

I believe we are and or become the story we tell. If such is the case the first place to start is to stop telling yourselves the story that is no longer helpful.

When you find yourself repeating the stories like the ones in this post try to take a step back and really notice what your saying. Try to do so without judgment of good and bad. Seek out any cognitive distortions and notice where you are playing the role of victim or villain. Separate yourself from any victim and villain narrative and identify what is left and you will begin to see what you can do to become the change you wish to see.

Here is a riddle for you: You are not your past, you are not your thoughts, you are not your experiences or memories… Who then are you?

Nirvana is not a place but a state of existence/being. I suspect it’s a state of being where one is conscious of the unconscious and thus awakened to the All. Being awakened/conscious to what you are unconscious off is of course a paradox but as the Buddha taught anything we might say or imagine about nirvana will be wrong. “Nirvana is beyond space, time, and definition, and so language is by definition inadequate to discuss it. It can only be experienced.”

I suspect that such an experience liberates a person from the suffering of the problem of opposites and cycle of birth, death and rebirth of karmic tendencies. In the present that would be freedom from repeating patterns that keep us stuck and stuck dissatisfied with life.

We work for that which no work is required – we get in our own way. I suspect that the experience expands perspective of not just a knowing but living life as it is and discovering we can say Yes to it as it is. Yes to all of life as it is and know that it is LOVE! All of it, the good the bad and the ugly (there is no good, bad or ugly). Wrap you being around that possibility of Yes and know it as Love and you start to sense everything how everything is connected. In such a state, there is no place for stress or dissatisfaction.