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samy

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  • February 11, 2022 at 7:58 am in reply to: My sexual past ruining relationships #392570
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    You do need to treat women better. And you did cheat on them. “didn’t really like cheat on them” doesn’t cut it.

    I don’t know where you are based out of. But I know that some countries have a mechanism where you can call police to check on someone. You could try that. Do it once and be done with it. You therapist is right. You are only responsible for your actions. I hope your ex and you find some peace.

    February 10, 2022 at 10:07 pm in reply to: My sexual past ruining relationships #392563
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    I mean that I don’t want to live my life being unfaithful and not REAL with the women I see – this is a solid thing to work on. Glad to know you want to change.

    I don’t think “that crazy woman” is haunting you. You are too concerned with her. I think you should work on letting this go.

    I don’t want them thinking the relationships we had were worse than they were. This right here tells me you are reducing the consequences of your actions. Being cheated on in a relationship is the worst. They will know the truth. It is pretty audacious of you to think those women had good relationships with you and cheating wouldn’t really make them worse. Were they blessed to have you in their lives despite your cheating? I wish you’d feel actual remorse for your actions but that is not something I can manufacture in you. Trust and loyalty are the foundation of any relationship. I don’t understand why you’d think those relationships were good for those women, when you broke those. Why don’t you put yourself in their shoes. If an ex came up to you and said, “I know I cheated on you but what you are feeling is incorrect, it wasn’t as bad”. Wouldn’t you feel disrespected and belittled?

    Between calling your ex crazy and believing you know what’s right for your exes, I am sensing you don’t go into relationships with humility and openness. Would you say you feel entitled to what the women ought to do for you in these relationships and how they ought to feel about you, without any real effort from you?

    I think your reaction to having cheated on other women – is where you should start. I am surprised you are deflecting blame onto your ex. You did this to those women. I think the way you are speaking of those women now is also how you looked at them when in those relationships, and that explains why you cheated on them.

     

     

     

    February 10, 2022 at 8:48 am in reply to: My sexual past ruining relationships #392548
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    Being upset over things you can’t control, it’s pointless. You could use some perspective. One of your ex wants to tell you other exes, what a POS (your words) you are. Maybe they already knew that? If you don’t talk to any of these women, you are fine and can move on. Both you and your ex seem a little obsessed with each other. I wouldn’t worry about what someone who is completely out of my life is saying about me to other people who are completely out of my life. I don’t see how that is going to hurt you. A bunch of people are going to find out about what you did to them. They are going to hurt or probably don’t care since you are out of their life. I don’t understand why you think this matters at all.

    When you say you don’t want to live your life like this – you mean waiting for her to “destroy” your life?

    Do you think maybe you are being a little dramatic. The truth is going to be set free but nowhere in your vicinity. She is doing your work for you in coming clean to your exes. You literally have nothing to do in this matter, you already did it in the past. I don’t know why you are clinging to that.

    I think perhaps you don’t want to ever have your bad side visible to anybody and if what you did is revealed, you’d feel shame or embarassment? My question is aren’t you feeling it anyways? How does more people knowing make a difference at all. Own up to your mistake atleast internally, make peace with it, resolve to do better and you are good. I think you are just trying to stall taking responsibility and working on yourself. It is easy to distract yourself with useless drama. I think that’s what you are doing, subconsciously.

    Your real journey starts when you stop worrying about what your ex will do or say and ask yourself how you would like to live and what you would like to do. That will take real effort. Start now.

     

    February 9, 2022 at 9:03 pm in reply to: My sexual past ruining relationships #392544
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    How are the women you cheated on your girlfriend with, your ex’s? Also she wouldn’t be hurting them, you would. What hurts is being cheated on. I don’t think you are ready for a relationship because you are not able to take responsibility for your actions. Honestly you don’t have the right to even expect her to stay quiet. You can’t both stab a person and decide what the right treatment is based on which would be least painful. And I would introspect long and hard to figure out if I was ready for a relationship or if I am just adding another person to the list of people I hurt. I hope therapy is going well?

    We can keep discussing this, I was worried you were abusive. Cheating is not good either but it is in the past and if you are up for it, you could work on yourself and be a better partner for your future girlfriends or spouses.

    February 7, 2022 at 8:14 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392468
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita
    I am all for not being mean and using kind words. I am aware that being rude does not equate to being strong. I was mean in that reply. Not because I thought being mean is being assertive but because I saw a person that has no experience of living in India, speaking for us, diminishing our experience and in the process degrading victims of real and false rape cases. I will never entertain people using what is my life and many other that live like me, frivilously, to decorate their narrative. My tone is nothing compared to the lack of empathy in poking an entire country’s wounds.

    FFF sounds great and it is easy to remember.

    Girija

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by samy.
    February 7, 2022 at 5:43 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392461
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    I was so nervous because I had to talk to a guy in this arranged marriage process, that I did not reply to you at length.

    I was feeling unsupported by my mother when she forced to me to wear a bindi thinking it would be a video call but it was just a phone call. I had a breakdown. I used to hit myself when I got upset, now I was just thrashing pillows. Never again.

    So coming to being fierce. I am going to change my fierce setting to the max. I did it on this very forum when someone brought up rape in India. I have had enough of worrying about other people, how I will come across, not empathetic enough, not kind enough. I’ve had it. I am going to take this energy and have a casual conversation with the same guy. I’ll tell him what I am looking for and give him time to let me know what he wants. We’ll take it from there. I am going let him know I need time to get to know him. If he is good with that, we’ll move forward. Otherwise, I’ll be sad to not talk to him again. But it is what it is.

    I’m going to be fierce and selfish for a trial period of a week and see where it takes me.

    Girija

     

     

    February 7, 2022 at 5:34 am in reply to: Whatever happened to Sexual Equality…? #392460
    samy
    Participant

    I was with you until you brought up India. The propaganda that persists to equate the horrendous crime of rape to false accusations. Nobody “blindly” believes women here. They hardly ever believe us. Victim blaming, ostracizing. You know what. You don’t deserve a response from me. I will leave this here, since I typed it out but shame on you. May the victims of false accusations find peace. But to say that that means people are blindly believing women. Unbelievable. Nothing has come off the changes in law you brought up. You would know that if you dared to live here.

    February 5, 2022 at 9:09 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392343
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    Thanks for the advice. I will have to comtemplate on being fierce some more.

    Girija

    February 4, 2022 at 10:01 pm in reply to: I want to be normal #392340
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Thanks for the suggestions. I’ve never tried asparagus, will look for it. Not sure I’ve seen it before, only on TV. I have eliminated sugar altogether.

    I know I am not bipolar but I’m always afraid that a serious mental illness is around the corner. Even my great grandfather was apparently mentally ill. But they used to think they were possessed and what not since they did not have the knowledge. But ultimately my point is that this goes back generations and I don’t want to trigger it. I will discuss this with a doctor, as you said the right one may help. I am just afraid, because my dad’s treatment has been so bad. I don’t know if the treatment was bad or he was not really cooperating with treatment.

    I’d rather call myself Girija Fierce. I don’t like feeling dull. I’ll be fierce in my patience, if that makes sense.

    On a different note, I need advice on how to be truly unbothered by other people. There are times when a senior at work laughs on a condescending way if I make a mistake or say something wrong. And it leaves me in a cycle of thought, constantly telling myself I am not dumb, but she implied I am dumb and so on. She did that yesterday and it still hurts. Also, I get insecure if someone else if praised or is overworking. I have no interest in either to be honest, but it makes me really insecured. I have theorised before here that it might be because I am afraid of being fired but I don’t think it is that simple. I think I need to feel smart. Of

    Girija

     

    February 3, 2022 at 5:00 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392249
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    I eat eggs and dairy, but I’ve read online that reducing dairy is beneficial.

    I’ll go back to the doctor. But I am not comfortable with birth control, it is supposed to work only as long as you take it but the side effects could be bad. I am uncomfortable with SSRIs because of my dad. Please don’t think I am squashing all your suggestions, I have apprehensions about those medications. Therapy and a vacation are good options, I will look into making them happen.

    I am not wanting out of life. Not suicidal. This experience of life is annoying but your story still has a lesson for me. I suppose I am trying to get my life to transform in a second, because this phase of wanting to be free but that going very slow with setbacks is disappointing. But as you said before, I need to be patient.

    Girija

    February 2, 2022 at 5:54 am in reply to: My sexual past ruining relationships #392188
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    Why are you afraid of her? Or are you a fearful person in general. Did you actually hurt her? Does it need to be punished? If it doesn’t, continue to stay away from her and just know you are sorry. If it does need to be punished by law, I am uncomfortable providing support. Otherwise, you could work on fear and anxiety and focus on your own mental and emotional well-being.

    Good luck!

    February 2, 2022 at 5:50 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392187
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    I’d love to hear your low-carb recipes. I am vegetarian. I’ve been reducing the quantity of rice and substituting with oats and other grains.

    I am struggling with keeping calm. The “joy” didn’t last and I’m not surprised.

    Today, I’ve been feeling extremely annoyed at life. I keep having the same thoughts over and over again – I want to start fresh and I am sick of having to deal with this life. It is not productive to think this way but I am just tired and annoyed.

    I looked up videos on what you mentioned about emotional regulation. I can work on avoiding situations. I don’t have anything I can or will be able to change right away. Taking my attention away from the emotions – I found videos that suggested breath hold and it doesn’t work. Breathing in general has stopped working in calming me down. I get annoyed and cry every time I try to do it. I think I am annoyed at having to calm myself. And my fast heart beat makes it more annoying. Deciding that a situation means something different is somehow not helping either. My self-soothing mechanisms seem to have all stopped working and I am a little panicked. I haven’t been able to sleep well the last 2 nights. I am annoyed, I want to stop working even and just stop being in/participating in any and all situations.

    Girija

    February 1, 2022 at 7:30 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392145
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    It is hard to tell whether the years of stress lead to this illness or the illness lead to the stress and anxiety. I think it is the former. My symptoms get worse when I’m anxious.

    When I said lifestyle – it is losing weight – low-carb diet and exercise, and also stress management – I am doing yoga, it is not helping that much. Instead telling myself, nothing is more important to me than myself makes me feel better.

    I am trying to get as calm as possible. I want to become a person who is not easily shaken by external circumstances.

    Girija

    January 30, 2022 at 7:30 am in reply to: I want to be normal #391977
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    I went to a gynaecologist for my thinning hair. She had me take an ultrasound and turns out it was PCOS. She gave me Birth Control pills and another supplement that apparently increases insulin sensitivity. I read several doctors’ opinions on this and I have decided to hold off on the birth control for now and will tackle the actual problem itself with the supplement and work on my lifestyle.

    The reason I am telling you this is because I am going to sound different from my post a couple of days back.

    Firstly, thank you for going so far as suggesting a witty profile. It sounds great. I am happy to know you think I can find love and a long term relationship. Your advice on getting to know the person well before marrying is something I had decided a long time ago. I always thought even when I’m down and out, I push through life and that I don’t want a person who’ll be a burden to me. Recently though, I was wanting a relationship so bad that I was weighing if I should be more traditional about that and that was why I was writing paragraphs on love. I find it silly now.

    Every person deserves joy and love. But I thought about this and wonder – do we feel love or do we feel its absence. I think we feel the absence. I was feeling a void and decided it was love. It was a lot of things but I think what was actually missing was the physical sensation in my chest. I want to call it joy, but essentially the opposite of anxious or feeling empty.  I have taken a couple of doses of the medicine for PCOS and I feel the ‘joy’ in my chest. For all I know, it was this illness that was making me feel so out of it. I was ill and needed treatment. Of course, all my issues are still there but I feel more grounded. Like I can be in this moment and decide how I want to live it. I feel like I have control over myself. This gave me a new perspective on my last comment about my looks.

    I am who I am, and people can take me for what they want. If they like and love me, that’s great. If not, I feel enough, and they can go love someone else. I don’t need it anymore, for the time being atleast. I can decide what this moment is for me, and I can decide to be joyful. If I take actions that match my intention and are in my interest, I will create joy for myself. I want to focus on myself from within. I want to create my experience out of me ( I wish I could express this better but I am not able to, with English atleast). I want to define my world and live in it –  love myself and love living, and take life as it comes.

    The profile when I do create it, I will make it funny. I will let myself show through. Not what I think other people want to see. For now, I will focus on myself. Love can wait.

    Girija

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by samy.
    • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by samy.
    January 30, 2022 at 7:06 am in reply to: I want to be normal #391975
    samy
    Participant

    Hi shattered pieces

    I don’t find it offensive at all that you said I was stuck, it is absolutely true. And a couple years ago, I had arrived at the conclusion that no one could give me enough love for me to feel enough, but it was more out of bitterness. Bitterness I still feel to this day. Times when I felt I was a better friend for someone or a better choice and yet wasn’t picked. Your post brought that back, but I am not the same person. If a person rejects me or doesn’t like me in the context of a relationship, I can take that for what it is and move on. I am not the girl that has crushes anymore. I don’t idealize men. In fact, I have gone in the opposite direction.

    The reason I have oscillated back to wanting intimacy or love from another person is I pretty much did not have anything I was excited or happy about in my life. I was stressed out and feeling low. So I suppose I was looking for what could possibly fill the void and I landed on a relationship as the answer. It could have been something else like a materialistic goal, but I believe because I always felt rejected by men, that wound was sore and I landed on that. Then this brought back all the bad things guys told me I was or things I thought I was being rejected for. At the same time, I am truly convinced that the likely of a true intimate relationship is very low. Marriage is still a transaction. So I could not decide which way to go and was indeed stuck.

    Regarding your experience. I read this expression and I love it, “the trash took its self out”. I am happy for you. I would have said I’m sorry only if you were hurt, but you are not and that is wonderful.

    As for the things at work, my manager made me cry a number of times too. And what had helped was the movie “Captain Marvel”. There is a dialogue where she says “I have nothing to prove to you”, to her senior who keeps controlling her. I was already at my limit of tolerating my manager’s constant insults and putting my skills down and this movie gave me a chance to rise above. I realized through the movie that I didn’t have to let my manager define my skill. Because he could never put those words on paper. My appraisal was always good, all he was doing was unofficially lashing out at me. And I did not need to care about what he thought about me, I don’t need to prove my ability to him.

    Thank you for your post. A lot of old lessons have come back to me.

    I will take your advice as well, I am actively working on my well being. And I think I have been able to tap back in to myself for those lessons, because I have been less anxious lately. So I was able to take more time and come up with more empathetic answers for myself.

    Girija

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