Hi anita

When you offer to talk about anything, i will take it immediately :).

This has been on my mind today because I was on reddit and there is a forum for Indian women. One woman posted about how she had just lost her virginity and it was so simple and that she wished she hadn’t been so scared or that people didn’t make a big deal about it and that it wasn’t earth shattering. Most of the comments agreed with her and said over time with the right partner you’d learn about each other and it gets better. One comment stood out to me. The commenter described how when you have a partner that respects you and there is warmth from them, sex can get earth shattering every once in a while. I did not care about the great sex part but the way she described intimacy was so beautiful. I’m scared I will never experience that.

I have already mentioned my looks. I could better them and they will only get better to a certain point. And I know better than to put myself down for my looks or other flaws. But I am seeing myself from the eyes of men and worry that a man that I could have a great life with will not give me a chance and I was lose out on love. I understand men can have flaws too. But there are some people that are more right for each other than others. And I am afraid I won’t get to live a life with intimacy and love.

I know that love is a not a guarantee. Not always could a person statistically meet “the one”. I don’t believe in that as a perfect person but, as I mentioned, someone you could have your best life with. I hope to find love. I wish I do. But I can’t help but think the odds are against me.

Arranged marriage is a coin toss. In the patriarchial setting, a lot of men have not explored how they see women and it shows. I have spoken to 2 men so far and it seemed very transactional. But at the same time, dating is still new here, a lot of men join apps for sex and still end up going for arranged marriage. In either of these scenarios, it would be looking for a needle in a haystack. But I’m afraid my needle will jump back into the haystack after seeing or getting to know me or that I’ll never find the needle.

The dilemma is do I wait and possibly never find the needle. Will I know when I’ve found the needle? I think I will but not sure. If I wait, I will lose the prospects of finding a husband over time. I’ll probably regret not settling, if I am all alone when I am older. This has me torn.

Girija

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by samy.

Hi anita

I agree with you, the materialistic band-aids could never heal the the emotional wounds.

I understand that not contacting them would help in not adding new wounds. And possibly reduce the burden on me to play catch up to their energy.

It’s the one that keeps projecting the primary judgers into other people, making you feel uncomfortable around people even when they don’t judge you at all – your inner critic is a projection of people that judged you. We don’t want to be judged so we are doing it ourselves. My inner voice though doesn’t judge me. It is afraid not judgemental.

I don’t think it just makes her feel strong. When she managed to control us so well, she is the strongest. Just like the general. Maybe most powerful is the right word. She is less wounded than us, she knows what she is doing, which makes her the heroine of every stage.

I understand therapy and moving out are the solutions to this.

Girija

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by samy.

Hi anita

I understand what histronics means now. I am frustrated at having had to soak up all that stress over the years. Just today, someone at work said something our team is responsible for isn’t working as expected and this is my old project that I know in and out, something I can fix, yet the prospect of something being broken and my having to fix it triggers me. I think having to take care of things has me averse to fixing problems at work. As I mentioned earlier, the situation at work is not as dark but still pretty pathetic in terms of support.

you come across very well to me, and I wish that sooner than later, you will be okay with who you are! it is odd but I am fine with myself when I am not around others. But once there are other people around, I just feel weird. Like I want to get away from them. That if I stay too long, they’ll judge me. Thank you for accepting me for who I am. You do that for everyone here and it’s very nice of you.

children don’t determine culture, mothers do; in the context of family, mothers have great power over their children, lots of power available to misuse, or abuse. So, many do, and… they are not going to point to other mothers being in the wrong for doing the same as they do, so… they make a culture out of the abuse of power. – This is very true. My mother and grandmother’s relationship is worse in terms of support. So the latter had no issues expecting, me as the daughter to look after my mother. My mother told us that she never felt important to her and that she probably doesn’t know which sweet my mom likes. When I see that, I know that’s where my mother gets her parenting skills. If anything she overcame that to some extent to be better than her mother. They did not face the circumstance we faced as children so there is no major falling out. But I know my mother wanted to confront her for putting her last. Her illness triggered my grandmother’s caretaking muscle though. Their love comes through in physical illness. The care they give makes you feel loved.

She is not asking for help with housework not for the purpose of not bothering you (with work), but for the purpose of bothering you with worry. – My family feels fake for this reason. None of us feel secure but at the same time the elders are super confident that they can get away with anything.

Your mental health is a price she is willing for you to pay, so that she feels like she has some power, like she is not completely powerless. – I feel like both my parents had to compete with me to prove they were better than me. So many instances where their mistakes didn’t matter but mine were magnified. Same with flaws.

The fear of my mother being hurt and her losing hope on life drove my thoughts throughout my childhood. It made me feel hopeless. There was no joy. We’d celebrate festivals, joke even, but out of the blue, my mom would get upset. But we’d still go on like it was ok. I would always be the one to apologize. Both my mother and sister get upset very easily. I’ve been trained to pacify upset people irrespective of whether it is justified or not. Always restore harmony. Maybe this is where the fear of judgement comes from. If they judge me, they will not be nice to me, and I can’t bear that.

I understand that a healthy relationship is unlikely between my mother and I. But my conscience will not allow me to leave completely. I’d want to take care of her. So that from a distance seems like the way to go.

Girija

Hi anita

Thank you for the wishes and the compliments – you have the courage to address and consider personal, emotional topics that most people automatically reject. Add to these your intelligence and genuine kindness, and … I think that your work colleagues are fortunate to have you and I know that you are not a loser – Feels really nice to hear good things about myself from you. I am glad to hear you say I am kind and honest. I need to overcome those fears. I want to be okay with who and what I am. I think one of the main causes of this inner turmoil is constantly worrying about what I am coming across as to people.

I think I’ve discovered something, adding to what we discussed about what I meant to my mother. I am worried about appearing useless at work. That might be because of the fear of getting fired, like my father. But also, there has always been fear of not doing enough for my mother. At home, I find myself constantly checking in with my mother to see if she needs help with anything. It is strange that even after close to 3 decades, I don’t trust my mother to come to me if she needs help. She has never hidden her suffering yet she carries the image of a silent sufferer. I may come across as rude, but if she was keen on hiding her suffering, we wouldn’t be aware at all. I think it was a game, doing everything herself and complaining about having done everything. Instead of communicating up front, we were expected to guage her burden. So, it naturally instilled this guilt that we weren’t good daughters for not looking for ways to ease her burden with house work. But now I also realize the same principle applies to emotions as well. I see this with my sister too, no one does this. It is not normal. You either feel like doing some work or someone asks you to do it, so you do it. This constant worry that my mom might be doing too much house work is really strange. Today, if I asked her if she needs any help, she’ll say no. But, where does this worry that she needs help come from? It is from feedback in the past. She used to look so done with everything. That now we want to pre-empt that mental/physical exhaustion. Sometimes it looked like she was done with life.

We had already re-hired the lady who washed dishes a few months back, there’s still other work to do, but any of us could do it. I don’t know why it’s a burden when she does it. Why is it a burden. You either do it or you don’t. Why act like we’ve imprisoned her.  There’s also the angle of – they don’t have a lot of retirement money and she doesn’t want us to spend money on them. But I can afford it so instead of doing it myself, I hired someone. Again, if it is on me to find a solution, I’ll find something that is convenient for me. But I feel guilty. So, coming back to appearing useless, instead of thinking if they have some work for me, they’ll tell me. I am constantly worried about looking useless to my seniors and boss.

Talking about a prison, I think our culture contributes to this – we are expected to look at her being miserable and complaining, but not doing anything about it, and be grateful for that. And in turn are expected to be okay with us feeling like we are imprisoned but stay, to be good children.I once expressed wanting to move to a paid accomodation and I can’t describe the anger on my mother’s face. It was going to be in the same city, but she didn’t like that. Why would any parent want their child to continue living in their hell. Sometimes I wonder if my mother is actually as hurt as us. She gets upset when I pick fights with my father now. Almost like a general upset his soldier got into a fight without being commanded to. She never directly pushed me to fight, but I used to fight a lot when I was younger. Now I am expected to stop, like a robot.

As for what you mentioned in you last post, you’re right, she tried to turn us against our father so she could control us and she succeeded. My fear and worry benefit her immensly. She positioned herself as good and constantly threatened to oust us from her side. I wasn’t even rebellious, I was genuinely unwell mentally and she dealt with it with being cold and self-centred. I feel broken. I don’t know how to fix this. You are asking me not to feel guilt, but I honestly don’t know where the boundary of a healthy mother-daughter relationship lies. I don’t know how to take care of her without the worry or guilt.

Girija

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by samy.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by samy.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by samy.

Hi anita

I hope you’ll feel better soon. Omicron is spreading like wildfire here too. But as you said people are recovering well.

Everything I’ve written is from my perspective of what I want to take care of. I don’t even want to be the caretaker. I just want her to have one. What I mean to my mom is worse than what you’ve written.

What I know I am to my mother or mean to is her personal diary where she filled pages with vitriol and her stresses since I was 10 -11. I don’t have memories before that. We had to be grateful to her for her sacrificies. I honestly don’t know what those are. What I really mean to her is I am her safety net. Goes beyond what you’ve described. It’s worse. She’ll just step aside and have us fight her fights. She is the biggest victim. Anytime we used to go to my maternal grandmother’s place, they used to tell me to take care of my mom. From very early on. What can a 10 year old do? They were telling us to be more mature and not trouble her. We were “troubling her” by being what we were, kids. So even now, what I mean to my mom is a burden. She used to project my father onto me. I started worrying that I will hurt her from a very young age. Now I remember it is because she used to express with her words and actions that we were troubling her. And we used to hate our dad for causing us pain, we didn’t want to add to hers. She used that to say don’t do this or that, you will turn out to be like him. I am really scared of turning into my father and she used that against me. Everyone around us used to call us docile. We were just kids being kids. We had to be the elders. I am an elder to her. From a very young age both her and the extended family has instilled guilt in us. I have expressed to her before that I am worried about leaving her and getting married. She has never tried to assure me that they will be ok. I am expected to worry about her.

So, if I had to paraphrase yes – live-in home caretaker with the ability to drive her to the hospital and such? I don’t drive though, take her by cab.

I remembered something else, when I used to be down or depressed around 14-15 she used to tell me she was already tired of dealing with my father and just can’t deal with it if we turn out like him as well. I think that’s where the fear comes from. She essentially told me I was not normal and she didn’t want to deal with it.

Another time, I was really depressed and lying down in bed for days and my dad started praying for me. My mom is scared when he gets prayerful as that means he is really anxious and may spiral down, so she came yelling to my room saying my dad will get worse if I lie down. I had to get up immediately. We always had to be her foot soldiers for dealing with my dad. Worry about him. Why did I have to worry about him?

Girija