@Jay2023

You’d be surprised Jay, my ex who i always did thoughtful gestures for never really appreciated it. He would even say stuff like you do too much. Like stfu and appreciate the gesture, I’ve chosen to do it because I care that should mean something lol. So I doubt he kept anything for sentimental value. Did your ex do something as sweet for you at least?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Sammy.

@Dannydan I am so sorry you’re having such a hellish week. I’m so sorry I couldn’t reply sooner. @Jay2023 and you have a bromance brewing there and I’m so glad you were leaning on each other. I know female advice doesn’t always hit the mark.

She’s not testing you, I would be astounded if she was based on what we know of her character, so don’t go down that path or think those dangerous thoughts like you did the first time and thought she was only with you out of pity🤦🏼‍♀️ leading to resentment. It will make you lose trust in each other and harm your relationship unnecessarily.

It appears she is scared and feeling very vulnerable. Why is the magic question? I’m sorry I can’t answer that for you unfortunately.

Sometimes even though normally you share great communication it can be difficult to talk through more deeper rooted conflict right away and come to a quick resolution as you usually do. The positive sign is she hasn’t ignored you, she is trying to remain mature and she came to see you the same day she finally read the text. I think she needs time until she feels strong enough to put it into words, all you can do is be patient. I think from the non verbal communication it’s safe to say there is actually still a lot of love there.

To her this fight from the very beginning felt bigger than it did to you and then the rookie mistakes you made added to it, it has definitely triggered something deeper and troubled her.

Like I said as women we detect the smallest of things but overlook them but when something like this happen it just magnifies everything.

Also when you’re as close as you two are (your emotional connection is definitely deep) A fight especially your very first big fight can feel like a real major threat to your sense of security or bond.

I’m sure you’ve heard of make up sex? You were musing about the other one – break up sex to @Jay2023 lol.

Unlike break up sex which quite often is to pump and dump and leaves you feeling used.

Make up sex in a committed relationship can be very healing. She didn’t turn up to test you or even with the intention to have sex (because you two haven’t gone all the way yet.) But that doesn’t change the chemical reaction that can occur especially if you share a deep emotional intimacy things can start getting out of hand without you even knowing. It’s why make up sex is x10 more passionate.

I know this first hand, in that moment she was most likely feeling distress, I bet you she just wanted to feel close to you and comforted and it just ensued.

Just like you she’s human mate, you need to remember that. Maybe the standards you’ve come to expect have started to overwhelm her. She may be strong majority of the time but everyone of us has insecurities and fears.

It is these fears that can activate a persons biological attachment system, which is your body’s way of naturally wanting you to get close again to your loved one.

The hormones your body releases when you’re afraid are the exact same as when you’re turned on so transfer can occur.

You did the right thing in NOT letting it escalate that far. It would have been great sex but she definitely would have regretted the timing. I am sure you both want that first moment to be special and not off the back of an argument.

In fact I’m really proud of you Danny. You’ve come such a long way. You could have taken advantage of her vulnerability in that moment, especially since you described yourself as a red blooded male in your first post. When things have calmed down, she will thank you and respect you even more. I can promise you that. Both @Rheanys and @Jay2023 I’m sure concur. You made the right choice.

A silver lining for you and to cheer you up, the Hopper and Joyce quip made by your friend does hold alot of weight. You seriously do need to “bang” already, so I hope the wedding is sooner rather than later.  Yes I believe there will be a wedding, once you two numpties sort things out! When married you’ll continue to butt heads it’s normal, but the good news is those will inevitably result in you two experiencing throes of passion for sure lol!

Conflict increases sexual desire in some it’s a known fact. Make up sex is a great way to calm things down, feel accepted and connected but you also have to talk things through. Otherwise it can turn like it did for a friend of mine and your partner will feel like a means to an end.

Anyway I suggest you text her one more time and say something along the lines of “I want you to take all the time you need to be ready, but we have to talk this through, I’m worried about you because I love you. We’re a team, ready when you are” then clean up, smarten yourself up and show her the man she chose, be strong this time it looks like she needs it. Listen closely because there will be things said that I’m guessing you are unaware of that have been affecting her. Compromise. I am willing to bet my house, you two will resolve this.

Oh Danny , Danny, Danny !

First of all like @Jay2023 said we completely sympathise and please try not to worry. Easier said than done, I know.

Remember we all mess up, don’t be so hard on yourself but once you’re in a better headspace recognise the consequences of your actions and learn from it so in future in the same situation you react more level headedly. And so you can learn how to make (dreaded word) amends properly after conflict!

This is not to make you feel bad in any way, but to give you a woman’s perspective. We are emotional beings and although ‘B’ has strong emotional intelligence she is still human. She will be weak at times too and that’s okay, its where you need to learn to step up and balance things out and be strong for her.

Now we have a fuller picture, you’ve made some rookie mistakes.

1. Why didn’t you message to make sure she got home safe that evening? She was obviously feeling vulnerable after the argument that’s why she retreated and then on top it would have felt like you didn’t care, even though I know you do a lot.

2. Then the next morning to brush it over with what sounds like morning wood talk 🤦🏼‍♀️ was not going to go down well was it? What were you thinking lol?

3. I completely understand your feelings around your ex bestie. That is your own perogative and your right to proceed as you wish. However given the context it is obvious she was not being pushy but just trying to help. Instead you reacted on your own set of emotions and unfortunately they overspilled into your relationship. In future try not to project your insecurities. Her advising you to be polite doesn’t mean she thinks you’re impolite, inferior etc. She was just guiding you in dealing with it in a mature manner. Likewise her suggesting you try to to bury the hatchet wasn’t trying to dismiss or minimise the pain you endured. This woman loves you madly, you’re honestly so lucky mate that she cares this much and didn’t want you to carry the pain of your past forever and wants you to heal for YOUR happiness.

I can not say for certainty because I’m not her, and you will have to wait until you both can talk it out. But I suspect it wasn’t just the words that cut deep or caused a trigger.

You see as men you are oblivious to the smallest things we women pick up and overlook because we love you. When something like this inevitably happens it means you’ve done enough to then push yourself into a red zone. Her needing this much space given she normally likes to resolve matters quickly and laugh it off, unfortunately does mean something deeper is troubling her. It could just be because it’s the first time you both have butted heads in a major way or the unexpected timing of it with the wedding approaching has made it feel all too raw but is there anything you’re aware of that might be affecting her other than your outburst or the stress of the wedding?

You two are a team, you will as @Jay2023 said get through this bump and it will be water under the bridge. You have taken the correct step to reach out, have said sorry and showed you do care BUT you need to for your own good give her the space to resolve whatever is happening to her internally first. You push her now, you’ll push her away further.

Let her come to you in her own time, it will be hard to wait,  but she will respond, she is wise and mature. Then listen and hear each other out. This is advice for any conflict resolution in any relationship. Be calm, and allow space if needed to confront it head on in a mature way.

Write down how you felt about your ex bestie, write down how this space or way with dealing with things made you feel and express it calmy because you too deserve to feel heard. Don’t let the ego play the blame game though.

And finally Danny hold her tight like you said you wanted, she will appreciate that and will be needing that if she is this upset right now. Us ladies put on a strong front but sometimes we too just want to be held.

You will get through this as long as you learn the lessons. But don’t repeat it again! It’s fine to have a disagreement but we have to still be aware of the consequences of our words and actions to prevent hurting others.

I’m so sorry this weekend i will be unable to be available to soothe your nerves. I hope @Jay2023 or @Rhaenys can help if needed. I’ll try and check on you tomorrow. It will be okay just sit tight. Good things come to those who wait x

@Dannydan golden rule, women are always right, you’re welcome lol! Look forward to reading about your big day please do tag me! Best of luck and enjoy the wedding! Can’t reiterate the importance of not just discarding people! Even if you are burned by the person, we are all human and deserve 2nd chances. Assess the bigger picture. If ‘B’ had not given you that you wouldn’t be where you are now. Pays not to burn bridges as you’ll never know when you’ll need someone or cross paths again. If someone’s eating humble pie try and be gracious in your response even if it means creating boundaries.

@Jay2023 I’m glad I caught you before going. I was wondering if my last post may have been too confronting hence the lack of response to it, you remind me of Shelby. Sometimes I would say something with good intention to provoke thought but it would miss the mark, i knew this because she would avoid addressing certain things or responding. Whereas with Danny and others they like it real! So I do hope no offense was taken during our correspondence.

I’m delighted to read you received a good ego boost and the picture went down a storm. Glad networking or reconnecting with people is helping boost your confidence for the time being. I really do hope you commit to the deeper inner work required too,  so you don’t fall into the same patterns. Glad the thread was of some use to you. I’m glad you posted happy news because I enjoyed hearing about both the ebbs and flows of your journey.

Best of luck with whatever avenue you take. I hope it serves you well!

Take care boys x

Hi @Dannydan

Sorry, been busy with work plus bf birthday week so trying to get the house cosy. You know I keep it 💯, first of all how can you say she doesn’t know how hurt you were???? I’m going to stop you in your tracks there because that hurt you felt you took it out on her remember? To quote @Shelbyville and @Kkasxo “hurt people hurt people”

It seems anxiety has reared its ugly head for you and the only person who has control, is you. You can allow the past to haunt you or to be the making of you.

If you don’t wish to reconnect then that’s absolutely fine, it is your choice, it doesn’t make you insecure or wrong. It means you are unsure of something and there’s nothing wrong with questioning the gravity of any situation within the confines of healthy boundaries BUT be mature enough to verbalise that to your ex bestie and ex and your fiancé in a mature manner. Discuss honestly and set boundaries and genuine people will respect them. Don’t take it out on ‘B’ and accuse her of being controlling 🤦🏼‍♀️

I would be peeved with that remark too!

‘B’ seems very balanced emotionally and she probably sees you miss him, she’s probably considering how you’ve described her nature; a peacemaker, healer and has the capacity to do things like that. Forgive AND forget. He was your bestie she probably recognises that’s worth more than what occured so was trying to put that across to you rather than dictate your choices. To add she is happy for you to talk to the ex because she trusts you. Equally if she was unhappy with you talking to the ex and relayed that to you, you’re a team you’d discuss that patiently and do what’s best for BOTH of you not get accusatory.

It’s also very NORMAL to argue, she’s a human with her own set of emotions and life is never going to be rainbows and butterflies and rosy! So get used to this and dealing with confrontation, there will be plenty of fights ahead. You can’t start questioning your relationship, don’t let anxiety escalate it to something it isn’t.

Just by communicating you can nip things in the bud. It’s just a disagreement, remember your relationship is more important than the fight. Communicate when she has had her space, knowing her she will reach out herself. Don’t push her and when she does reach out for the love of GOD please don’t be STUBBORN!!!!!

She didn’t stonewall you or give you the silent treatment or accuse you of anything, she did the healthy thing asking for space but still send a text to reassure you she’s there. You have a very strong beautiful woman there don’t ruin it!

Maybe ask her how she feels too, maybe her agitation isn’t just a result of your words but a combination of factors. Usually women when stressed just carry on, usually it can be the smallest thing that then breaks the camels back.

Anyway Danny, I’m thinking of taking a hiatus from here unless you need me?

@Jay2023

Hope the silence means you’re doing okay now, did the weekend help thrust you into a more positive state?

@Jay2023

I don’t want you to feel like you have to explain to me. Just concerned that’s all having been there , done that and got the alky certificate!

Yes your emotions do seem to fluctuate and at the risk of sounding condescending I think it’s because you don’t know who you really are or at least how to be authentic to it.

Like you don’t need to sit indoors and wallow you can enjoy company, not isolate indoors at the same time as sticking to your goals and values. It takes willpower!

Just food for thought!

@Jay2023

I hope you are okay. Sounds like work has kept you mind occupied hence you not having the time to think of her. Not going to lie but is the drink really a good idea? Your choice but I thought you had grown tired of it and didn’t enjoy it. I hope it’s not a sign of you going backwards but your journey is yours and you shall choose your own path. Good luck and have a great weekend! 🙂

@Jay2023

I didn’t want to be the one to say it, so I’m glad your mum did. I don’t like to critique others either as there’s always two sides to the story. But this ex of yours certainly did not value you based on what we know.

Putting family and best friends aside, I bet you there are so many beautiful women who have valued and appreciated your attentiveness, support, caring and giving nature but your obsession with this one woman has caused you to not even appreciate that. You don’t need her to choose you, you don’t need to seek validation from her. Why let one woman destroy your worth?

From what you describe. I can honestly say and I’m quite straightforward in giving feedback (ask Danny) I don’t think there was anything you did wrong or more you could have done for her. You were a loving, giving, attentive partner willing to take on 3 children she just didn’t choose you. That is her choice, her loss. Your only mistake is you didn’t leave sooner and by dragging it out for 18 months just fed an addiction. So the withdrawal and separation anxiety is more pronounced.

You don’t have to wait until the weekend. It all starts and ends in your mind. You have the power and control to change the outcome of your life.

I too can’t stand self pitying for long it just is draining. It’s so much easier just being grateful and happy with what you do have and being proactive.

Bring on the sunshine and bring on being better and shining bright!