Hello Tee,

My absolute favorite would be a nature walk with my husband, but since I am suffering with mobility in recent years, this is one thing I had to practically give up, and it’s very hard

Oh I can totally understand that. Nature walk are really soothing. And I guess even more when you’re walking with your S/O. I hope you get healthy soon so you can continue your nature walks

Oh I see… so you are always on the lookout, fearing that somebody (perhaps your boss or an authority figure?) might be displeased with you and lash out at you (verbally)? So you’re afraid of being judged when among people?

I mean I know they’re professional they wouldn’t lash out at me that easily but easily disappointed because of something? Yeah! But yeah I’m afraid of being judged

You also don’t like people who are constantly critical and try to dominate you (I guess because they remind you of your father?):

Yes Exactly!

I wonder if perhaps your mother showed some of the manipulative behavior in the past, e.g. when she would tell you to be “mature” and not react angrily to your father?

Hmm I guess so?

Could it be that you are sensitive to other people’s anger/frustration/negativity (because it reminds you of your father)? And that you are also sensitive to “weaker” emotions, perhaps worry and sadness, because it reminds you of your mother?

I guess it’s bit of both? One of the reasons why I haven’t been enough emotionally expressive. Because I’d feel like I’m being rude and insensitive to others

I like the word! Good if you can appreciate her honesty and emotional expressiveness. You don’t feel like she is trying to manipulate you with her emotions, right?

Well that’s easy to answer as of now. Because you know when some people give you bad vibes even though they’re acting nice with you? So, I don’t think she’s manipulating with her emotions.

Another thing is that it’s hard to know if she’s emotionally mature or not. Because so far I do like her innocent emotional behaviour. She’s like a naïve little girl who doesn’t like to bottle up emotions like we “mature” adults do

What feels like the biggest work in your current relationship? What’s the hardest?

Self esteem, Being emotionally expressive, Being compassionate with myself that’s what I can think about now

Yes, you can’t be the only one “carrying” the relationship. Or as we’ve talked before, if you are trying to change the other person and be their therapist, then of course it feels like hard work. Because you are trying to work against their own self-sabotage and their resistances…

And it took me years to realize that 😂

Well, you’ll see relatively soon that the person has a lot of issues, they can’t be happy, they are addicted, they are self-sabotaging, they are playing hot and cold (one day they are very into you, the next they are rejecting you and being distant) etc etc. So you’ll be able to notice that something’s not right, that they are fighting an internal battle and can’t be really present in the relationship. And then you’ll let them go, instead of trying to “save” them…

Right I agree few days ago there was this reel on my IG. She was like after you’re healed, It’s really easy to see red flags everywhere. And dating will be even harder because you wouldn’t just settle with anyone. And there are lot of people who doesn’t even know that they need to heal their selves.

Are you talking about the decisions you took in romantic relationships? Like when you followed your intuition and it turned out to be the right decision?

Haha no I mean like workwise decisions. But good question when it comes to romantic relationships, I didn’t felt like I’m taking a big decision.

Well, I think everyone who was exposed to prolonged emotional abuse suffers from CPTSD. It’s a different name for developmental trauma – it didn’t happen suddenly, like one traumatic event, but over a long time, i.e. while growing up. So I guess you have it, same as me and numerous other children with emotionally abusive/unsupportive parents.

Oh right I agree and I think that’s also the reason that it’s giving me nightmares sometimes

Like just last night I had a dream that my father was angry at me and comparing me with someone but this time I didn’t listened, and I got angry at him and told him lot of things that I wanted to tell him! It could be the sign that I still haven’t forgive him and I’m carrying that baggage?

Right… so you’re still afraid of their judgment. You still care what they’ll think of you, and I think it’s because a part of you still believes you’re not good enough. So you need their validation and approval.

Yeah which I think it’s really concerning thing to work on

Yes, you were criticized a lot, and you internalized that voice, and so now you don’t only have the voice of your father and grandfather against you, but also your own inner critical voice. So it’s 3 to 1. Three critics to one helpless inner child. Fortunately, you’re developing the positive father voice to counter those critics. But it takes time, it doesn’t happen over night…

Yeah it’s years of their sweat it doesn’t going to just disappear over night😂

But I won’t give up. I’m stubborn too so 😌

What exactly did she suggest you talk to them about? I mean, if you still have an unhealthy emotional bond (which in my opinion is the fear of their judgement, i.e. the need for their approval), only you can release that bond. Only you can set yourself free.

Because as you said, your parents will likely not change. They’ve changed somewhat in the sense that they (specially your father) isn’t that judgmental with you any more. But I guess they’ll never approve of all of your decisions, e.g. they’ll never approve of you getting a tattoo

What I am saying is that if you want their blessing to live your life as you please, I don’t think you’ll get it. And I don’t think it’s necessary either. There will be always something they will disagree with. And that’s fine.

What you’d rather need is to free yourself from the need to get their approval… It’s you who should set yourself free, not them…

I mean I know what you mean and I agree. But she suggested me kind of things that I’m feared to talk to them I already know their response (Somewhat) It’s just kind of practice not letting my fear of speaking for myself to be grown even more..

Another thing I know my parents did things knowingly or unknowingly. But I don’t want to be a typical American psycho kid who thinks it’s cool to have not good relationship with their parents because of the rise of modern business “therapy”. Because at the end of the day the day they are part the family, and family does matter. And I’m not saying I want perfect relationship with them because I know it’s not possible, But just not hateful relationship.

This week it was my birthday, I’m in my late 20s now. And oh dear I definitely felt like “Time is passing too fast” I mean I know it’s normal and there wasn’t any critical voice this time. But it does feel that time is going too fast and I don’t know what I’m trying to get a hold on, World is moving fast, I don’t know why am I feeling pulled down and if I don’t, I feel like I’m missing out a lot as of my age.. I guess we always run for big achievements when we think it’s meaningful but after we’ve achieved it, It just lost it’s meaning.. So it’s like a constant chasing something that we’re sure we won’t be satisfied with…

Hola Tee,
How are you doing?

Definitely it’s a good experiment to try to socialize more and see how you feel about people… if you still feel they’re very different and you feel like an alien?

Right but I’m kinda getting that I still have people pleasing behaviour

Are you saying that she gets upset by something (some human behavior), and this same behavior doesn’t affect you that much? Or she gets super excited about something, and you’re like “meh, nothing special”?

Yes kinda like that.

And there was also a bad connection, I’d say, during your LDR. Because that relationship was mostly frustrating for you, right?

Well yeah I guess we can count as a bad connection

Yes, for example we should love ourselves and feel lovable, without needing to get love from someone else. Or we shouldn’t feel helpless like a child and wait for someone else to fix our problems. I think those are examples of emotional self-sufficiency.

But I think because self-loving is still isn’t easy for me maybe that’s why I’m finding myself going towards emotional giving and receiving

Yeah, you’d probably like to fix the problem ASAP and make them stop (crying, or being upset or whatever). Whereas the best thing you can do is to simply listen and show empathy. You don’t need to fix anything, and your partner doesn’t even want it, in most cases. They only want empathy and understanding (remember that short video about the nail in the head? )

Yes I do remember that well and as I’m practicing empathy, but I guess because of my work, my problem solving abilities takes the turn first you know 😂

Oh I see… you’re filtering all critical and unsupportive people from your life… cool! good strategy!
Thanks haha

Okay, so you can ask yourself: what if I like her more with time? What’s the worst thing that can happen?

Umm a serious hard maintaining relationship that I have to work hard for!?

Or what if I feel bored with her after some time? And like what if she is not on the same page as me?

Exactly the thing that I’m scared about… Wasting my time and energy on a person

She is different than the usual type you’re attracted to (insecure, low self-esteem). I think that’s what’s scary because you can’t apply the usual tactics of your outer critic, which would be to see her as inferior and imperfect (which would then serve as an excuse to distance yourself from her). The inner critic is trying to sabotage you, by telling you you are worse than her in some respects. But nowadays you’re watching for the inner critic and you’re not believing everything it says. So the inner critic isn’t managing to sabotage the relationship so easily either…
But something in you (hint: the inner child) is still afraid, and so you’re coming up with these what-if questions, which serve the same purpose: to sabotage the relationship. My suggestion is to notice that too: that these what-if hypothetical questions serve the same purpose, and so not to give too much weight to them. If you want to try to push through the fear some more…

Hmm so basically be mindful and not overthink about these things? Well I’m trying and yeah you’re right I maybe comparing myself like that but I know that we both don’t have be perfect in every regard. We can just learn things from each other…

Thank you! Yes, it’s hard when it gets physical, when it’s your body that aches and there is no escape from pain.

Yes I can understand even though I don’t have much experience with physical pain but the thing is I did spent time with people close to me in the hospital and it doesn’t feel easy.

I feel that I could much more easily deal with emotional pain than with physical pain.

Well at least one less thing to worry and you worked on yourself all these years, so I guess that’s why it’s much easier for you

Because I can’t just think about it differently, so that it doesn’t cause pain any more. Although I think I can still be telling myself a positive, optimistic story, or I can be telling myself a negative, hopeless story (like that I’ll never get better). And that too makes a difference… But it’s hard, there’s no doubt about it…

Yes, it is hard. When I talked to my therapist first time, she explained the Surrender in that way. Because as a human nature we want to know things for sure, Otherwise because of uncertainty we get anxious.. and result even more less energy… So I believe surrender + hope are much better in situations like this..

What’s the worst kind of behavior that you feel you can’t protect yourself from?

Hmm I’m not really sure 🤔
I guess I have think back analyse more
You meant like behaviours that I can’t tolerate?

No, I don’t have any tattoos. Not my style, and besides, I’ve got many birthmarks, so I’d worry about damaging those. So no, no tattoos for me

Oh that many birthmarks? So it’s like your body jewelry?

If you worry about how the tattoo will look, I’d choose a spot which doesn’t depend on your muscular mass. So somewhere where it always looks the same, regardless of how fit you are

Hmm and those are? 😂

Hi Tee,

Next week I have an appointment with a new doctor, so I am hopeful but also slightly apprehensive, because I’ve been to several doctors already and no improvement so far…

Oh I see, I can understand but who knows maybe this one can give you much better results? So be hopeful. Update me when you do give a visit though.

Okay, so you feel very different than others, like you’re some alien. That’s probably because your true self wasn’t appreciated by your parents or grandparents (or other adults you grew up around). You were constantly judged and criticized for being yourself. So you believe that you’re fundamentally different from other people, which isn’t true.

However, you might have developed a defense mechanism that keeps you away from others and makes you fear others, as if they’re going to harm you. You might be looking at people through that lens, magnifying the differences, seeking imperfections in them etc. This lens, i.e. filter is what actually creates a greater sense of distance between you and others. I think this filter is creating an artificial sense of distance and difference, which in reality doesn’t exist.

Hmm that’s right. Is that could the same reason I can’t spend longer time around the crowds? Because it just drains my energy…

You said is about yourself too (or a friend of yours said it about you, I don’t remember anymore?). They said that you have a heart full of love, but are afraid to share it with others. And it’s true. Because you fear others.

Ah yeah my friend told me about this for myself. But yeah I agree there is fear

Yes, vulnerability is actually a strength. There is a famous TED talk on vulnerability by Brene Brown. It describes how she, who was someone who feared vulnerability, discovered the importance of vulnerability, by studying hundreds and thousands of happy people. She discovered that vulnerability is actually a prerequisite for happiness. You can enter “Brene Brown vulnerability TED talk” in youtube search and you’ll find it. Really powerful stuff.

Thanks for sharing I’ll watch the video. Turns out it was already on my watchlist but I still haven’t watched it. Still lot of articles left to read as well. Don’t know where the time is going lol 😂

It’s good that she has this strength! Because she won’t be playing games with you. She will tell you what bothers her and what she would like from you.

Hmm I hope so… She seems quite sensitive

But I want to add something here: try not to compare yourself now and think “oh she has this strength and I don’t. I am so much worse than her” (which would be your inner critic). Rather, try to appreciate her for her ability to be vulnerable. You too will develop this strength, and you’re on a path to do that. Because frankly, till recently you thought it was a weakness, and a part of you still thinks it’s a weakness. So it will take some time to change the old habits and beliefs.

Oh yeah you’re right I’m not comparing and I am aware that I’m capable for cultivating good emotional patterns for myself (Or at least I’m trying)

You’re welcome, you are making a great progress! Actually, we humans are social creatures, and we’re meant to be interdependent, not independent. I mean, we’re not meant to be emotionally self-sufficient (if there is such a word). We’re not meant to be in a relationship with only ourselves, and not to be bonded to anyone. Being independent is good up to a point. But if you want to be emotionally independent and self-sufficient, that’s already a defense mechanism.

Wow! So this challenged me for lot of things that I’ve consumed in reading and watching over the years. And kind of really challenging for my old belief. But If you have any recommendations for articles or videos or just you want to explain by yourself you can elaborate more this with me. Because I do understand what you mean but I don’t have clear picture just for meta thinking with myself you know

The other part of the problem might be that in a relationship, you feel trapped, like a fish in a bowl of water. And I think it could be because you see the other person as a threat. As very different than you. As judging you. As wanting to control you and suppress your true self.

Yes exactly I do feel trapped one of the reasons I’m scared for commitment. But mainly for controlling because their actions would affect me a lot emotionally. Like if my partner is anxious or sad it affects me directly.

You probably see the other person as your father, and it’s threatening your freedom, and you want to run away. You want to be free, like a fish in the river. You ran away from home, because of this feeling of being trapped. And now you want to apply the same coping strategy to your romantic relationships: run away, be free from “threat”. Would you say it’s true?

I don’t know if I see other person as my father because then I believe I wouldn’t even want spend lot of time with.. I don’t know how to explain properly but yeah I guess I’m running away because that feeling. But there are other reasons as well. Like It’s my curiosity so I’m just striving for exploring more and novelty so I don’t feel like I’m missing out..

You’re welcome, it’s a pleasure to talk to you and help you on your path…

Haha I’m glad. Currently what kind of emotional patterns that you’re working on?

Yeah, I find that visiting the same places in nature – the places that I like and enjoy – is totally okay, because they recharge me. And they are never the same, really, there is always something different to appreciate…

Totally agree and sometimes it kind of gives me solutions out of nowhere have you experienced it before?

Glad your job isn’t boring. Then I guess simply spending time at home, comfortably seated in front of your computer, and being alone, naturally makes the person want to take a nap   If you were in the office, you would need to control yourself better, but like this, it’s easier to just doze off… So if you want to avoid afternoon slumps, I guess one solution would be to work from the office more frequently

Haha I don’t think that’s a good idea since being around with lot of people for a while takes up my energy a lot. Heck even if it’s just a single person and if I don’t like spending time with him/her it just drains me. Same goes for outside work as well. But I’m aware as for my position I do have to learn to overcome this challenge.

Okay, so you’re still afraid of their judgment? Both your father’s, grandfather’s and your brother’s judgment as well? Btw what’s that “something crazy” that you’d want to do, but are reluctant to (if it’s not too much to ask)?

Hmm so I’m thinking about getting a tattoo. And my grandfather is always saying “not nice” things about getting tattoos so whenever I think about getting a tattoo for few minutes I do feel good and think about ideas and etc and after that I overthink what would my grandfather say? Sure he wouldn’t like it.. same for my father.

And actually a while ago I stopped this kind of thinking what others or even my own family is thinking about me but I think I’m kind of back to this

Hola Tee,

How are you doing? How was your weekend?

That’s interesting… since therapists are vowed to confidentiality and they are non-judgmental per definition. But some people are like that with authority figures, and maybe a therapist in her mind meant a  judgmental authority figure, and it scared her… But it could have also been an excuse, because if someone rejects therapy, and hasn’t even given it a try, it usually means they don’t really want to change in a deeper way…

I guess so yeah and I was just worried so much about her healing that I didn’t even try to look from different perspective, and I believe after a while my “drill sergeant” just started being harsh on her

Well texting all day (i.e. making it the only way of communication) is tiring, but this would have been more like a check-in text, just to show you’re thinking of her. And since you were at your parents’ place, you had an excuse why it would have been only a short text..

Haha yeah you do have a good point. But when I was at my hometown tbh only thing I really missed was my cat 🤣

I am not sure it’s more connecting, but it’s a good replacement for texts. If you want more connection, a phone call would be much better, in my opinion…

We talk on phone call but not that much frequently…

Okay, but she could have texted you too, if she was so keen. So it’s like she expected you to text, and was angry when you didn’t, but she hasn’t texted you either. She only admitted later that she wanted to, but then deleted it. I mean, I understand she is upset and feels like you don’t care, but she could have texted you first…

I know right!?

But I think I know the advantages of physical relationship now. We met this Saturday evening, and her anger was gone. She hugged me with good warmth like she actually missed me. And we did have a good time together. She even cooked for me. but surprising enough I don’t feel much scared now because I’m not overthinking much and like we talked about mindfulness I’m just trying to enjoy present moments more… Because this different kind of feeling makes me feel like I’m not hard to love then why I’ve been so hard on myself for so long and not being compassionate with myself?

There’s good quote from Lord Krishna which I remembered so, Love when you can, Tomorrow isn’t promised. so I’m just reminding myself kind of things like this which could help me for loosen up my heart shield.

Well, your fear is still strong. That’s why you rather play it cool and uninterested. You’re doing the avoidant pattern.

Yes exactly!

And it could lead to breakup with time, specially if she expects a normal level of interest and dedication from the guy. And I guess she does, that’s why she is so upset. So yeah… you’d need to decide what you want. Do you want to challenge your fear, or you want to succumb?

Well I can try to challenge my fear

The perfectionist likes to fix people whom he sees inferior than him in some way. It’s more like a defense mechanism, because if you see the person as inferior and in need of fixing, then you feel safe because you feel you’re above them (“better” than them) and therefore, they won’t judge you.

Ah right also the reason why I don’t feel intimidated around them and not alarmed…But with people “better than me” I do feel intimidated.

Thinking about your 3-yr long LDR, perhaps the perfectionist in you needed to receive praise and validation from her, because this is something you were missing as a child. But it could be that she didn’t give you too much praise and validation, because you said she often sabotaged your meetings, didn’t listen to your advice etc?

So I am thinking now that your perfectionist fixer is possibly a reaction to not receiving praise and validation from your parents? And trying to get it now in romantic relationships?

I do think so it could be like that even though lot of time she did praised me how I’m helping her but all I wanted was seeing a real change and actions which she didn’t.

Yeah, I wanted to ask you about that interview… sorry you didn’t get the job. But then again, at least you’re clear now with what you want: a position with more responsibility, fully remote. How come you’re sticking to fully remote btw? So you’re more flexible with where you live?

Yes because of the fully remote job flexibility. I also want to start travelling more because I think connecting with nature is really healing for me and I feel so calm. One of the reasons why I’m trying so hard.

Alright, so you’re doing that Mon-Friday, during working hours? You’re having long naps in the afternoons, and then you need to work late to finish your tasks, right? Perhaps you can introduce a short walk (or even a bike ride) in the afternoon, to freshen you up?

Yes during work hours! But I’ve tried what you suggested but now I’m feeling sleepy at early evening time 😂

Sure, no problem…

Thanks. So I’m not sure it’s related to CPTSD. But like just last three times in raw I had nightmares about my family members. First night my father getting angry and then my grandfather and I yelling at each other and then next day while taking a nap, my brother which is surprising because we’re very close to each other and it did felt really unpleasant and depressing. I wasn’t even able to do meditation properly in the morning.

Dear Tee,

I have, but he wasn’t helpful at all… so I’ll keep looking. And thanks for your support!

Ah I see, Hope you find a really good doctor that helps for your health much better

Yeah, supporting each other is a natural thing in a relationship. But if it’s one-sided and you’re “supporting”, i.e. trying to heal her all the time, that’s not healthy. I mean, you’re not her therapist, you’re her boyfriend. It doesn’t mean you can’t talk about issues, you sure can, but deep emotional wounds can only be healed in therapy, not in a romantic relationship.

Yes I knew that well but since she wasn’t comfortable opening up with therapist I felt like I should help her much as much as I can. But in result it just emotionally drained me because yeah it was one-sided help. And it sometimes it made me question myself like does it even matter to help people? because at the end of the day they’re going to do just whatever they want.

Okay, I like that she was honest about wanting to text you, but then deleting it. So she showed her vulnerability after all, even if at first she wanted to hide it.

Yes I do feel bad though. Because in short time she’s quite vulnerable with me and I’ve disappointed her already.

How come you didn’t text her at all while you were away? Didn’t feel the need, or you stopped yourself because it would have seemed “weak and needy”?

Well kind of yeah both reasons I didn’t feel the need and when I did feel it I was like let’s not rush she’s going to text if she wants it, Why should I seem needy first? That’s what I was thinking

Right… what’s the first thing that comes to your mind when she says “I miss you”?

Overthinking and fear I suppose. Like now relationship is gradually getting deeper but soon it will end

Yes, we (our inner child) is trying to finally get our distant/unloving parent to love us. Only now it’s not the parent but our romantic partner whom we’re trying to change.

Hmm I see…

  but we believe we can finally turn them around”

But we actually can’t and that’s what disappoints more. Right?

Okay, so if the inner critic can still make you believe you’re not good enough, it means that your inner child feels not good enough. And you’d need to tell your inner child that he is precious and talented and lovable, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him.

I do try to pep talk with him time to time.. but not much frequently

When those thoughts of “not good enough” start popping up in some form, try to be like general Iroh to your inner child and tell him how precious he is. And that whoever tells him differently is a liar and doesn’t know a thing!

You’re right! I’ll try to do that more

Be aware of it. I think the main duality in you is 1) the inner child who is afraid of judgment and believes he is unworthy, and 2) the protector (which is the shield around your heart) who wants to protect your inner child from harm. But he is doing it by wrong means – by shutting down intimacy and vulnerability altogether.

What would need to happen is that you be a good parent to your inner child and assure him that he is worthy (as I described above). And you also assure him that you’ll protect him from other people’s judgments and mistreatment (by setting boundaries, learning to say No, etc), should there be need for it.

So you, the adult SereneWolf, become the good and healthy protector for your inner child. Like a good father. That’s how you can replace this unhealthy, toxic protector, who is the Outer Critic/shield around your heart.

I hope it’s not too messy the way I’ve explained it?

You explained it well. You already noticed the main pain points. And yeah it’s been days I haven’t been a good parent to my inner child but feels like work when you already feel emotionally drained you know

Good! If he isn’t trying to put you down, isn’t yelling at you etc, that’s great.

Naah he doesn’t do that to me. It’s been a while, he used to do that a lot in past

Dear Tee,

You haven’t updated me about your health in a while. So, tell me the good news?

Yes, I see… she had very low self-esteem, and felt ashamed of herself even in front of you.

Yes,  I guess it was one of the reasons I felt more hurt even after reassurance, time and trust it wasn’t enough for her.

Although to be honest, I don’t know how one can be critical and superior, but not judgmental? Because acting with superiority kind of implies that one looks down at the other person as not good enough…

Hmm I guess because I still admire and value their good qualities over the ones that I don’t like?

So to me it definitely seems like an unhealthy parent-child dynamic, even if you were trying to be as patient as possible, and would only get upset occasionally.

In fact, I guess you were upset more frequently than you let on (we’ve talked about it already), so she could probably feel your disappointment and frustration, even if you tried not to show it. And even if you managed to hide it, it was still frustrating for you, right?

Yes exactly!

Yes, it does. But it’s in vain, unless they work on it therapy…

Because I talked to her after a while and I said I’m seeing a therapist, She was bit more enthusiastic about seeing the therapist again

Oh I see… so she felt neglected because her little sister “stole” her parents’ attention. And she probably felt not good enough and not lovable enough because of that. That can very easily be the cause of her low self-esteem.

Yes that’s what I’m thinking

Yeah, it’s always a recipe for failure to be in a relationship with someone who cannot love themselves. If you’re attracted to such girls, who seem needy and in need of your help – that’s something to be aware of and to work on. Okay, the doctor is certainly not that type, But in general, if you feel better being with girls with low self-esteem, that’s a problem.

Okay so just a general question. Suppose we go out and take 10 random people and out of those 10 people what do you think how many would be loving themselves as they should?

And I know I’m feeling different but I also know that I’m not afraid of change.

But I’m also thinking it’s could be like similar to comfort zone thing? Because I’ve mostly been with girls who had low-esteem so now I feel just more comfortable with them

Or it’s like a attraction thing low self-esteem attracts low-esteem? 😂

Maybe you feel those other guys will steal her from you?

Hmm no, I don’t think that way. I believe that we’re dating now because she chose me and I chose her, That’s a freedom. I don’t care if some guy is trying to steal her from me. If he’s able to steal her from me and actually do then congrats to him but I don’t like to compete when it comes to relationships. I’ll be just trying be myself. If she wants to be in, be in, or out, just happily out. For me it’s like if someone one else capable of steal her from me, it’s making my commitment decision easier for like now I’m sure you’re not the one.

Ah it’s like you start judging yourself for not being as energetic and fierce. So instead of appreciating her energy (which you like, as it seems), you start judging yourself for not possessing those same qualities. Your inner critic gets activated… So be aware of that: how you start comparing yourself with her and seeing her as superior, and you as inferior…. and this is another recipe to ruin the relationship. So be aware of your inner critic…

Haha yeah that’s right. I think nowadays I’m doing comparison and get jealous even though I don’t like it

And what should I do about this superior and inferior thing other than try to see all as equal?

I’m at my hometown at my parents place and I did noticed that even though his behavior is better with me. With others he’s till same old narcissistic person who think whatever he thinks is right and others are wrong. I don’t know if I should just accept that he can’t change or if I should fight for it even more. Because the thing is that he doesn’t believe in therapy even a bit. And I feel sorry for my mother because she have to live with him.

Dear Tee,

it seems your first LDR girlfriend was severely anxious, since you said social anxiety was the reason she didn’t want to video call with you during your 3-year long relationship. Which means she was embarrassed of herself even in front of you.

Yes, She was really camera shy even to take and share pics. But I had to encourage and reassure her a lot how cute and gorgeous she is (Which she is really!)
After that she were comfortable sharing pics, videos and voice notes.

The above tells me that the dynamic in your relationship was that she needed to be “fixed”, and you were the one who was trying to help her and fix her. She felt ashamed of herself and not good enough, and you were tying to help her “work on it”. But probably the dynamic soon turned into you feeling as the superior one, “patiently waiting” for her to change, while she feeling not good enough and failing you most of the time. And being afraid of losing you.

The thing is that we can’t change other people. And you tried to change her, actually she too wanted to change, because she didn’t like her social anxiety and her excessive shame. But instead of going to therapy and working on it, she fell into this dynamic with you where a part of the time she was trying to please you and make you appreciate her. And half of the time she was probably resenting you for not accepting her as she is, for trying to change her and improve her. She needed unconditional acceptance (which she could have received in therapy), but instead she expected it from you, which was a mistake.

You probably stayed for so long in this relationship because you tend to slip into the controlling/overbearing father figure easily. So you couldn’t just leave because she was probably a challenge for you, and a part of you felt good being the superior one. Another part hated it, because she was often resisting your guidance, as it seems. She would sabotage your dates, cancel things at the last moment… almost like a teenage girl rebelling against her father.

So it seems to me like an unhealthy father-daughter dynamic. What do you think?

Well she does mentioned that she doesn’t feel good enough and she always think about what other people would think of her what if they judge her? Even with her therapist she wasn’t opening up properly. She thought that she’d judge her. And I guess to this day she’s still not opening up to her fully as she did with me. I tried to make her understood that it’s okay to opening up. Therapists don’t judge and everything you say is 100% private, but she’s not fully convinced. So she’s focusing more journaling and yoga and meditation.

I mean even though I was trying to “fix” her. I was trying not let her feel like she’s less than anything. Time to time I wrote her letters about her inner and outer beauty to reassure and gain her self-esteem. But yeah maybe it could be true and there was some unhealthy dynamic going on.

I think I understand your dynamic better now. As I said, I think there was this duality in her: on one hand she wanted to please you and do what you say, but on the other hand she was rebelling against you because you reminded her of her strict parents (probably). And so she was sabotaging your dates, she had a certain resistance against you.

Right but from what she told me her parents weren’t that strict, But she is the eldest sibling in the family so she didn’t got the attention that she needed. and I’m the middle sibling in my family so I think I can still understand.

So to answer your question: no, it’s not too much to ask for your partner’s attention. But this particular girl couldn’t give it to you because, if my assumption is right, she was rebelling against you as much as she loved you. It was the love-hate relationship on her part, I think.

Okay so it wasn’t entirely my fault.

Yeah, it shouldn’t be one-sided. The girl should show interest and initiative too. Unless you’re overbearing and don’t let them breathe. But if you’re not too intense, she should show initiative. If she doesn’t (and you’re not overbearing), it means something’s wrong, there is some resistance in her. Like there was in your first LDR.

Hmm I see, Understood. Although I’m questioning myself if I had overbearing tendencies

Also I went on a date with a doctor. And I don’t know what to say. She is actually more energetic and fiercer than me. And it was definitely making me feel intimidating. And her outfit was like idk too much??? Other guys were staring at her and it made me angry and uncomfortable same time. But I tried to not focus on that and controlled myself and not judge. Other than that I did had fun. She was opening up to me like we are old friends. Which I liked.

Dear Tee,

In other words, if she was passive-aggressive about it (she would promise something but then always flake on it), that’s not good. But if she would change her mind occasionally, specially it wasn’t such an important thing (like how you’ll spend your date), I don’t see it as a big problem.

She did it often. And yeah if her intention matters, Mine does too. And at some point I knew I’m being overly strict about this and creating fights but I also knew like I’m not doing anything wrong just protecting something that I value more. Straight forward behavior.

Sure, keeping one’s word is important. But you also have to take into account whether it’s an important thing, like being there for you in time of need, or it’s a minor thing, like choosing which movie to watch. That’s a big difference.

Okay so in LDR, She was studying her masters and me working full time. So there was very much less time we were spending together and I felt like she wasn’t even respecting even that much little time. Just taking it for granted. Then why should I always be the first one to push things further?

having hope is key… so restoring hope and a positive attitude about relationships is probably what you’ll need as a part of your healing process.

You’re right. I’m having hope in lot of areas in my life except love part. I guess it times to restore hope for a loving & healthy relationships

Yes, if you got disappointed in your closest relationships, with people who were supposed to love you and support you, it’s hard. The fear and resistance remains in you, and you treat other close relationships (such as romantic relationships) the same.

Why am I connecting my romantic relationships to closest relationships even though I’m aware it’s not the same. It was in the past but this is the present. Wounds are there I know, But being aware about it isn’t that enough?

Yeah, this need to know everything about them at once is probably because you want to “be sure” what you’re getting into. And that’s because you want to minimize the potential harm. So I think you actually do it for your own protection – because you’re afraid of getting hurt.
That’s why you also start over-analyzing them and finding their potential “weaknesses” – all because you’re afraid of getting hurt. The latter (the over-analyzing and finding weaknesses in the other person) is a part of the outer critic – which over time sabotages the relationship.

Hmm I guess that’s relatable

If you do vibe, then you probably want to make sure that they are the right match, so you amp up the efforts, you’re like all in. And perhaps you’re testing them if they show the same amount of intensity as you. And if they don’t (because they have other things going on in their life and can’t dedicate 100% of their time to you), then you’re like “no, that’s not the real thing. She’s not committed like I am”. Is that what happens?’

Yes I think that’s what happens! I do know that relationships don’t work that way. But still I do crave the same intensity if I’m putting it out there and making myself vulnerable.
and the thing is like I feel duality a lot. For a moment I’m like yeah I need her I want to spend time with her, Why I can’t get the same energy back? And seek attention maybe and another moment when I get even a little doubt I’m like I don’t need anyone or her. Why do I even need her? So it’s like either extremely high or extremely low.. No balance in between with myself.
So maybe I just don’t know how to balance my emotions in healthier way

And after my breakup
And after talking some of my female friends I found out that It was wrong of me to being the pushy one.
And they said like for a woman, specially in their 20s, There are lot choices available. It’s not like only you’re being good to her. So believe it or not it gets competitive even if they don’t want it to be and they can’t decide rationally or directly the way you want them to be, and it makes them quite undecisive about things.
What do you think about that?

Good! So you like her and you’re actually keen to communicate with her. Are you starting to notice her “weaknesses” already?

Well I don’t think I’m finding her weaknesses already. But I think subconsciously my mind is mostly thinks how this shouldn’t work out even though things are going well. Fear of the past you know… So far I like her cheerful behaviour.

Actually, it’s okay if you don’t remain friends with your exes. You don’t need to force yourself to do it. So if you feel uncomfortable talking to her as friends, you can tell her that. But if you’re cool about it and it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable, then fine.

Well yeah for me I know it’s okay. She does talks about past sometimes and regret but she knows well it won’t melt me. So she kinda accepted that.

Yes, if you define “challenge” as something insurmountable, and it paralyzes you, then yeah, it’s better not to see it as a challenge. But if you define challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow, and something that basically won’t harm you – then you don’t need to fear the word “challenge”. But anyway, as he said: “training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next” – that’s a good piece of advice.

Yes exactly and as someone who have like inferiority complex and anxiety it’s really easy for me to get intimated with new things or challenges. (Except new places and traveling 😄)
So that’s why I’m working on that