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sojournerParticipantNicely stated Jasmine. Two thumbs up.
sojournerParticipantBeloved (and I MEAN that) Inky, Matt & Jasmine-3 Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your thoughtful responses. I couple of things I’ve gleaned from you wisdom & help…
1 – Jasmine, quite honestly, the real reason I’m writing this post is because as badly as I want to be, I don’t think I am totally over the man or the relationship just yet, I think I still harbor a bit of hope for both, which I expect in more time, I will get past. Seems to be a little discrepancy between what my brain knows is reality & what my heart dreams. Perhaps in writing this post I’m seeking some sort of sign that I AM in fact beyond the loss, if that makes any sense. 7 months seems a long time and I’m not known for my patience to begin with. I guess I just need more time to heal as well as time to sample the new offerings when I’m ready. I deeply appreciate your hard questions as well as your boost to my self esteem & direction.
2 – Inky, Inky, Inky – you are truly a blessing to this website. This hen (btw not so long legged or elegant, but 2 out of 3 ain’t bad!) will nibble at the seeds and the variety available! And just breathe for now. Thank you for both of your responses.
3 – Kind Matt – I’m going to actually QUOTE you when these suitors start to tap tap tap, as they are all doing. I’m simply not ready and I don’t need to apologize for that (even though it is in my nature not to keep people waiting, including myself).
So, in keeping with the food theme (seeds, buffet, 3 course meals, breakfast, food, taste buds…), I will use a small plate for the time being and fill it with a variety of delicious offerings.
Bless you all. I’ll let you know how it all goes.
sojournerParticipantHi there…how about goals set in smaller increments…1 day or even a half day, instead of trying to get your brain ALL the way around the issue over the course of months to come, just take a tiny step…set a goal, for instance, with the weight loss, of just going between 8 a.m.-noon to meet the goal of a healthy breakfast and a 10 minute walk. There! You did it! When that becomes comfortable and a habit…add another four hours, and then another four hours, until you’ve mastered your goals for a whole day. Do that for a week, when you are confident you can. Then, two weeks…etc. Baby steps, and set goals that you know you can accomplish, as in, don’t set yourself up for failure by aiming too high. You can always raise the bar later. These things take time.
Meditation is wonderful for sleep and there’s some really good, not so long guided sessions on line. I’m the the pot calling the kettle black…after 2 years of turmoil both self imposed & external, I am still under a Dr care for depression and insomnia (prescriptions as needed) BUT am moving in the right direction. Deepak Chopra has a nice 15 minute meditation that I fell asleep to before it was over.
If I can do it…so can you. Most importantly, please be kind and gentle and compassionate with yourself. Be fair and reasonable, just as you would with your best friend.
Good luck, God bless.
SojournersojournerParticipantHi Lindsey,
Thank you for reaching out. Please get back in therapy with someone you know and trust who can help you. It takes a long time to pull everything together and ups/downs are normal. I have been where you are, recently, and it was a combo of meds, friends and therapy that saved my life. Sounds like your meds are not working…can you return to the doc who prescribed them and either get “bridge” meds til the other kicks in or try a different med. This is very serious stuff, so please don’t wait. You need to get love, compassion and love from outside yourself (in a healthy way) until you have learned to provide it for yourself. Feel that heart beat in your chest? That’s the gift of life. You are worthy and there is a happy path for you, we just need to find it. Please let me know you will be ok.sojournerParticipantAre you really just wanting to be friends or are you wanting to rekindle hope that you can be bf/gf again? i think the advice above is excellent…give yourself more time. It has been my experience that staying in contact prolongs the pain of trying to let go, which is really what needs to be done. Good luck…protect yourself first with an eye on recovery and healing.
When someone wants you in their life, they will reach out to you. He is not.
May 24, 2014 at 9:29 pm in reply to: Obsessing over the past to the point its no longer the truth #57248sojournerParticipantPeace to you all…we transfer onto people the hopes and expectations that we want. We fall in love, many times, with someone who doesn’t even exist. When someone tells us goodbye or rejects us, we STILL are in love with the person that doesn’t exist, even though it looks like him/her, sounds like him/her…they are a construct of our hearts.
I asked my therapist, how long will I feel like this? She said it will take as long as it takes. You wouldn’t pick up a wounded bird and keep pulling on the broken wing asking, are you healed yet? Give yourself time, compassion, sleep, good food, some exercise…grief takes as long as grief takes. Don’t hold those tears in either…over time, you will get tired of it and gradually start to feel better.
I promise. We all promise. It’s so ironic we’ve all been there too…I get the feeling we here on the forum would never do that to each other!
With love, you are in my prayers.
sojournerParticipantI don’t have children but one thing seems clear…you guys need a BREAK. There must be someone, somewhere who you can trust so that you can rebuild your greatest asset and strength, your relationship with your husband. You are exhausted. He is exhausted. Together, you are exhausted. If you ignore love, it will go away. While I respect and appreciate the sanctity of parenthood, I’m sure you understand that your relationship must come first. Can you simplify the other aspects of your life…downsize the house/chores, reprioritize. Is there someone who can watch your daughter for even an hour or two so that you guys can relax together, even sleep together just holding or go get a meal or coffee? Have a date? 30 minutes? Can you enlist a health care social worker through the doctor or hospital to help you find a support group wherein you might enlist the help of other people in your shoes?
I don’t think this situation is going to be any easier for either of you if you lose the only thing you have aside from your daughter…and that is each other.
You are in my prayers.
sojournerParticipantHi Gracie,
I recognize some of you in me, except I think you are young and I am old! Reading your story, which is so much like mine, I think you might have some of the same deep rooted abandonment issues that I do based on your parents behavior toward you. The only way for me to work that through was with a professional counselor who helped me see, name and reframe those issues. If you can’t afford it, and many counselors have sliding fees so that you can afford it, please do some research on abandonment issues. You are revisiting the patterns established when you were little and repeating them in your adult life in your relationship with men. It doesn’t have to be that way, you can change it but first you have to understand and acknowledge the problem. Bottom line, I hope you realize that you and you alone are ENOUGH and worthy. You don’t NEED anyone…you can WANT them, but you do not need a man to complete you. Everything you need is right inside your own heart and soul. Believe in yourself, love yourself first, treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Trust yourself to always be there for you and you won’t scare yourself or others away. Good luck! Seek out that counseling…you had an unfair and unsettling childhood that is bleeding over into your adult choices but it can be fixed pretty easily, I promise.sojournerParticipantHi Cyd,
First, I’m sorry you are going through these issues, but I think it’s really encouraging that you are reaching out. Realize that you are in control of you. You can change anything about you, you can do anything or be anything that you want. What you are dreaming of is not unattainable or unrealistic. I would humbly suggest that you seek out a counselor or therapist who can guide you through the difficult changes that you want to manifest. Don’t give up on yourself…change your inner dialogue to affirming that you are worthy of happiness. Treat your self with kindness and compassion as you have started to do with your post. Best of luck…SojournersojournerParticipantThe bit about Soul Mates is a direct quote from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Eat Pray Love. A fantastic read for anybody on a spiritual journey or recovering from a break up.
sojournerParticipantJoe, I can’t think of a gentle way to say this…you blew it dude. Please let this poor girl move on and leave her in peace. You are getting a little taste of how devastating and difficult and awful it can be to try and move on. She got through it and has told you no, bless her heart, because I’m sure part of her was tempted. Please leave her alone. Study and internalize the lessons you have learned and never let it happen again. And for God’s sake, please be fair & honest with the one you are seeing now, she’d be pretty upset to know she was playing second fiddle. PS Soul mates aren’t born, they are made in the fires of unconditional love. Good luck.
sojournerParticipantYou can do this…you are smart and worthy. Do things that will build your confidence and self esteem and self love and will foster a positive attitude. Treat yourself with compassion, please try and change the script you are using on yourself…lonely, hurting, wasted years, acted like a fool, flaws, do this to yourself, isolated, comparing yourself, feeling awful about yourself, scared, scared, scared…see how hard you are on yourself, even about things which you could not be expected to control like your husband’s affairs. Please change all of those words into other words which build you up. You can do this… I did. I’m glad you are getting counseling…that should help. Best of luck, please hang in there, don’t give up…brighter days are coming for you. I hold you in my prayers.
sojournerParticipantSweet Turtletiger,
Have an honest discussion with your fiance’ about your love and your goals as individuals and as a couple. I think you need to go home…
You deserve happiness, and it seems you know where it is…why not go back?
May the angels and God comfort you and give you guidance. I am holding you in prayer.
Don’t give up…
sojournerParticipantHi Britt – First of all, may God and Angels comfort your heart. I am 6 months out of the relationship with the love of my life (I’m 56), and though we were together just 2 years, we took much the same road as you two have. We didn’t argue, but the end result was the same, we pulled the plug on the relationship, drug it out over a few months of touch and go, and ultimately, he ended it for good.
I will spare you the details, but it has been a very, very long road for me…he has moved on (actually reunited with his wife from 30 years ago…go figure), but I have wallowed in grief for months. I want to get over him once and for all, and I want my life back, but these things take time. It will take as long as it takes to grieve this loss you have suffered…you can’t rush it, you need to actually lean into it and hold that heartache until it heals.
Eventually, you will get to the place where he isn’t occupying your mind and heart every second. My guy has texted a few times too, which just reopens the wound and creates hope all over again that we can be reunited. I have finally gotten mad (it took forever) at some of the things he said to me and the way he treated me – and this is a guy I still love very much, but getting mad has helped me move on, because I want better and so do you.
Reality – I love him, but he cannot provide what I need, nor am I the one for him. It doesn’t mean that love isn’t present, it only means you can’t live together.
Remember that everyone comes into our lives for a reason, and we into theirs. Keep the good stuff, let go of the bad stuff and move on, when you are ready.
It sounds like he still wants to “keep his hand in play” because he knows you still care, which I don’t think is healthy for you as it is not for me. I can almost guarantee if you pursue this and the meaning or intent of his text, you will only get hurt again.
You are strong enough in yourself to know what you need and to make your own happiness. Let go or be dragged. It sounds like you have done a lot of hard work to get through your depression, believe me, I can relate – therapy, medication – and the very last thing either of us needs is to go backwards into the fray.
If you choose to do that ultimately, by God, make him work for it and earn your trust. You are better than that. Cultivate your self esteem, believe in tomorrow, visualize what you want in a partner down to the last detail and don’t settle for less especially from a man who does not respect, honor or cherish you.
You were rejected. I was rejected. It hurts like hell but it doesn’t mean we aren’t worthy and valuable people. It only means that he is not the one for you, for me.
What has finally helped me turn the corner was every time I think of him, I immediately follow up with a prayer to God for help and healing.
Maybe that will help you too…best of luck, hang in there. Don’t give your power away…especially to this guy who isn’t a good fit.
sojournerParticipantHello Iva, Blessings to you.
I’m going to play the heavy here, devil’s advocate, so to speak, so please forgive me for calling you out on a few things. In your last paragraph you say you “have given unconditional love this whole time…” I humbly submit you need to revisit what unconditional love is. At the beginning of your story you said several times that you fought over his not meeting your expectations in terms of things he does for you and returning your affection and how you “want him to reciprocate”. That, dearest one, is NOT unconditional. You are loving him very much WITH conditions. You want him to love you in the fashion you love him. If he did that, he would be you, not him. That is not fair nor is it uncondtional.
Either learn to accept him the way he is, or move on. Better yet, learn how to love yourself first and be your own best friend so that you are not requiring that from him. It will free you up to be relaxed instead of constantly needing validation from him. And it will be easier for him to love you.
There is no doubt that you love and are devoted to him but I think you have made him feel that no matter how much he tries to make you happy, it is never enough. He has given up, feeling picked on and inadequate and is now avoiding what must be very painful. Especially since encounters with you increasingly were about yelling and arguing instead of loving.
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they won’t.
We all put our best foot forward when we start down the relationship path with someone we think might be THE ONE. After time goes by, we cannot sustain our best foot forward, our real selves start to surface and that’s where it gets ugly. There are things that reveal themselves as issues that cannot stand the test of time.
He is in pain. You are in pain. None of us likes to be in pain, which is how it was becoming for him, so he made the break. You ask where the love went? It went away because it was replaced with a painful beating about the head and heart for him (and you to a certain degree. The difference being that you are still wanting the relationship where he has clearly given up on it).
If we don’t nurture love, if we fight and yell and argue, love will leave. It cannot thrive in an angry, hostile environment.
You may have a lesson to learn here, and it may be at the expense of the relationship, especially since he has cut off communication. How do I know this? Because I did the same thing.
We must learn to love and accept our partner for WHO THEY ARE, not for WHO WE WANT THEM TO BE. You are in love with a vision, with a dream of how YOU want him to be, what YOU want the relationship to be, not with who he is and with what the realities of your relationship are.
The light in the tunnel is ahead of you, not behind you. You are on the right path with meditation and sobriety. Best wishes.
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