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Hi Claire,
This is a fork in the road for sure. …unless you already picked a direction.
I have an experience to share and I have a timely article that may help – I just read it.
My brother used to be very toxic, to the point one day when I said I would not bring someone over for a visit. I said it was not good for his immediate family either. I just laid it out there and I’m sure I did it with care and concern. I told my sister in law. Initially he pushed back. Then he dropped the toxic stuff! Night and day since! He seems much happier, too! 🙂
The article is: How to Have Difficult Conversations. See Psychology Today’s blog.
Big blue
Hi VK,
You have some challenges that I relate to.
First, you are going through a temporary grieving process over that relationship, so you will need to give yourself time to heal.
Second, for your baseline attitude you could benefit by becoming more open to discomfort in relationships – those of others and with yourself. There are always issues. Some are uncomfortable. By gutting it out you will build up more tolerance. Along the way by engaging with people and yourself, you will learn to deal with diverse situations through coping skills, including more compassion.
– Marshmallow provided one recipe – all in. I did something similar a few years ago moving on my own 100s of miles from family and friends.
– I also agree with Sassypants. Another way is to get out of your comfort zone by volunteering more, taking or giving lessons, etc. out in the community. Try traveling and talking with people. My vote is a mix of in person and some online. You’ll find comfort and better handle discomfort – making you less lonely, while more confident and fulfilled.
I’ll add that you say how grateful you are. For your senses. Your brain. Your feelings. The sun. The moon. That dog that barks when you walk by. Your friends. Your family. What ever you are grateful for.
Oh one more point – you are not defined by your thoughts in that brain you’re thankful for. Some thoughts are ok to recognize, and say “there’s that lonely though again, I’m putting it on a bird’s back” to be dropped off somewhere to disperse. Let it go.
Does this make sense?
Big blue
Hi Inky,
You are courageous to share your proud moments along with your perceived shortcomings, and rest assured I don’t see the shortcomings as that. If you lose yourself in a book, that is a win. If you lose yourself in Facebook that is another type of book and that, too, is a win. Obviously, being actively engaged in your family’s daily lives as you describe, is a win.
One of my strengths is empathy so let me run with it a bit if it is ok with you. Is it ok?
I’m going to share something about me that led to a turning point for me, and in some ways when I share it, see if I am also talking about you. I grew up with lots of weirdness vs. standards. The truth is now I know that we all did. And, as a result of this gap, I easily fall into thinking with “should.” “I should have a ‘normal’ family.” “I should dress this way.” Take a look at your post. Find the “should”s whether you used the word or not. See what I mean? It”s ok, we all do it.
So, you wonder, What”s my point? Where am I going? Ok, I’ll go ahead and lay it out there as I have lived it: you are a win. You are doing a great job. You are doing many great jobs. Your life is a win. Even when you might come up short. It is still a win. You are you, there is only one of you, you are a big part of this world, are you are perfect exactly the way you are. I’m talking about how you are valuable to yourself. You count as one beautiful voice. It”s your voice, your life. Your story comes with it, and yes we are taught to create and tell a better story – sometimes in a (Face)book – but when we wake up every day, we are already good enough. We don’t have to should ourselves corrosively when we can build ourselves constructively. Step one: accept yourself fully. Celebrate! Step two: take action to keep growing. Your post reflects your growth attitude so go with it. Yes, as we easily fall back at times because we are human, you know what’s coming next right? Step three: “rinse.” Step four: “repeat.” It’s inevitable that you will find yourself having setbacks or doubts about yourself and when that happens, go to step one.
If this is making sense to you, if we’re onto something here, just know that we are in this together in our human condition. We can make it. We are making it. We already made it. We are here!
If this is making sense, this talk will help. She helped me to find and do step one. Brene Brown: Listening to Shame.
Big blue
Hi Jobebee,
From a guy’s viewpoint, please listen to the advice above. They are being blunt to jolt you out. I agree!!
Sometimes relationships start out nice and then turn bad – maybe slowly enough that people don’t see it or just decide it’s easier to go along. With all respect, you need to acknowledge that you are in an abusive relationship. There is no way you should be treated this way. Get together with family or friends and move out.
Also – seeing a therapist is a good idea, they will help you. Schools have therapists, I saw one once.
Lastly, do things to accept yourself and build up your self image – you are just as worthy as everyone else!
Big blue
PS: having been there, it’s possible you will bargain – “I’ll stay as long he does not do [whatever].” This prolongs the unhealthy situation that you are clearly already in. Don’t wait for any next times.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 