Nice Matt – you rock

@TheRuminant – WOW – those are amazing posts – thank you so much for making my day!

The Problem – from ACA (Adult children anonymous no longer encompasses alcoholism, but all people who grew up in dysfunctional homes. The idea is – that we bring our survival skills learned as a child, into our adult lives. It does not mean we are childish in nature).

Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic household. We had come to feel isolated, uneasy with other people, and especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same, we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat. We either became alcoholics ourselves or married them or both. Failing that, we found another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment. We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over-developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We somehow got guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors, rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities — terrified of abandonment — willing to do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet we kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic parents. These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism made us “co-victims” — those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable relationships. This is a description, not an indictment.

*************** This is from ‘The problem & The Solution’ portion of the ACA literature.

I have a lot of personal experience with this particular program – some alanon, which to me is sort of a ‘scratching the surface’ room.

I am an Adult Child. That doesn’t mean that I am helpless. It doesn’t mean that I am incompetent. It doesn’t mean that I live in the past or that I think like an infant. It means that I still have a tendency to meet the demands of adult life with survival skills I learned as a child. It is not a matter of maturity and it is certainly not a disorder. Our capacity for normal living is exactly the same as everyone else, just as an IQ determines your capacity to learn. For some, without the opportunity to learn to have emotional health, we develop survival skills – also called ‘symptoms of the dysfunction’ such as the symptom of codependency; controlling (alanon issues) or addictions/compulsions (escape). They are all symptoms of the same underlying dysfunctional start to life – and the root causes of all 64 symptoms (12 step programs) such as – the mentioned codependency, controlling, Over eating, (OA) Exercise addictions, addictions to anything – even spirituality oddly and ironically enough – as it IS a spiritual program — are dealt with in ACA. I am a member of MIP ACA online and find it enlightening along with this site. There are always up sides and down sides to anything in the school of life. Having an open mind and heart and soul to all of it seems to be healthiest. Our goal here is not to ‘be appropriate’ as that is the sort of thing many of us suffered the shame that brought us to these symptoms in the first place. What we are really learning is that who we are is appropriate. Our true being, or true self is acceptable, loveable and wonderful as is. There is no need to worry what others think of us, or try to fit ourselves into some ‘appropriate’ box. We get to just Be.

love & peace to all – I appreciate this thread oxoxoxoxoo

🙂 I love this post Rumi – it’s very interesting. The Vipassana you are talking about I’ve never even heard of! I can’t wait to check it out!

Hello 🙂

I’m glad to see you asking questions and searching within and everywhere for answers. I needed help for sure. I couldn’t ‘think my way out’ of anything – I could only think like myself of course, and it wasn’t working out well. I tried on lots of other ways to think to see what felt right for me and peaceful. I am coming into my own now – and it’s been a great journey.

The idea that your codependency has gotten a better part of your life can all be worth it if it is the reason you go forth feeling grateful for you independence and freedom of self. I too was stuck thinking I was ‘serving others’ but I found out – I was actually serving others in a desperate quest to serve my own need for love and validation that I never could fulfill for myself.

I did not believe I was worth anything or of any value to the world. And my quest – only proved it because I was always focused on others. By doing the very thing that I thought would fulfill me – I took away time from myself that could have been put to use on self improvement. My ‘serving’ was meant to improve others – and even that was backward – because all I actually did was TAKE from them the opportunity to do things for themselves that could allow them to gain their own self worth, esteem and improve their value to themselves and the world.

It was a very prickly road that led to no where but agony and suffering.

I needed to travel it – or I would not have sought a spiritual solution when all else failed. Today I am grateful I did everything wrong. I offer myself the room to make mistakes – do it ‘badly’ while I’m learning – and keep trying even when I know I may never be the best. Above all – I believe in me and know that I deserve love and need to fulfill that for myself. Everything else is just the cherry on top the cake I always say. And I do enjoy cherries… but they are not ‘NEEDED’. I just want them. Just like I want to spend time here interacting with my human family and you 🙂

All the best,
Tasha

I know the feeling of being alone in a room full of people, on the outside looking in – or feeling alone when all alone.

I have gone from that feeling… to feeling a spiritual presence anywhere I go, and never really feeling alone.

I know that my expectations are quite high sometimes, that once I feel enlightened, I should never back track, only move forward. I believe that sometimes I need to take 2 steps back in order to appreciate the step forward again. I also feel it’s all part of the spiritual path and is set out as it’s supposed to be.

I honor the peace in you today. Thank you for sharing it. xxxx

Hi 🙂

I have experienced this as well. It was yet another obsession of sorts. I hated to call my ‘stuff’ obsessive, because that sounded so harsh – but truly, my thoughts were stuck – my mind/body/soul responded accordingly with ‘unwell’ feelings and it felt something like shrinking inside – for lack of language to truly describe it.

I worked on some stuff spiritually that led me toward choosing better thoughts and actions. I started by being aware of my thoughts (similar to the ones you’re having, and similar to the way you’re becoming aware) and then did what you are doing. I got them out. I looked them over closely. I confirmed with out a doubt that I was troubled and stuck and needed help. I asked for it.

This was a major thing in itself for me! So yay me! And yay you!

Help came. For me, what worked was to recognize the thoughts without judgement. A simple spiritual tool across the map. Thoughts come at us all the time. What we do with them is important. If I follow the thought trail, but then spiral out a ton of shame and blame onto myself – I steal from my own better thinking that could take place. So the first thing to do was see the thought as just that, and not go down any unnecessary complexities in my head. When I freed up time to then exchange better thoughts in place of the normal shame time – I would insert some thoughts that were healthy for me. I would call myself ‘admiring’ instead of ‘jealous’. I would wish the person well in my mind, and say a little prayer for their peace (prayer to the universe, we can call this sending good vibes or well wishes if that suits you – I am not actually religious an don’t claim any particular delusion, allusion or religion).

When I did these things that allowed me to feel more like the true loving me – I could skip off to a happier destiny. It seems, that better thought actions, making a conscious effort at my own self talk, and reconstructing my words to be more peaceful in my thought trails – and then letting it all go in saying “The Universe has us all where it needs us – including me” brought me relief from my unhealthy thinking.

I hope this for you too. Best wishes,
Tasha

Yes – our neighbor sexually molested my 4 yr old daughter. Someone told me it was just the law of attraction – so I’m like “WHAT?” You mean my 4 yr old caused this by her thoughts? That has been a knife in my back for almost a year now. Thank you – some or most of you here for giving me the courage to remove the knife and chuck it into the Universe. That SUCKED!