Dear Dee,

I’ve been following your exchange with anita, and she’s given you some really good insight into why you might be tolerating your boyfriend’s cheating on you. You said you value honesty above all, and that you’re open to explore all kinds of relationship arrangements – as long as your partner is honest about what he wants:

I had made it really clear what my boundaries are, and made it more clear that I had no interest in being cheated on/ being with someone who is going to break my trust instead of just telling me how you really feel, while I’m the easiest going person who will never get mad despite anything you might do or say to me.

I would be awesome with just being friends. I would be great with being FWB (I’m sure that’s not what he is after with me). I would be cool with an open relationship too. I’m not okay with the dishonesty, and don’t know if I really should be non confrontational any further.

However, your boyfriend doesn’t seem to value honesty, on the contrary, he seems to get his pleasure and excitement from cheating. The reason I am saying this is when you once had a swinger deal, he couldn’t get erection, even though the woman was a type who’d your boyfriend would typically be very attracted to. This tells me it’s not exciting for him to be with other women if you know about it, but only if it’s in secret.

You say he loves you very much:

We are happily with each other, I love him very much and I know he honestly and truly love me very much as well.

It could be that two forces are working in him: one is the need for love and attachment, which he gets from you, and the other is the need to rebel and be “naughty” – which he gets from cheating on you with other women. The reason could be in his childhood relationship with his dominant mother – he loves her a lot, and at the same time wants to rebel against her dominance. This is just one possible explanation.

The point is that what you’re looking in him – honesty – is exactly what he might not be able to give you. At least not unless he would attend some serious therapy.

You say that his cheating behavior may be due to his fear for the future, since he might end up in jail for his alleged sexual misconduct. So he wants to make the best use of his time and have fun while he still can. But even if that’s the case, it means that his idea of “fun” is cheating on you. It’s not going to trips with you, or movies, or do other things that people usually have on their bucket list. So even if your explanation for his cheating is true, it’s bad news for you. No matter how you look at it, he’s a cheater and it might be stronger than him.

I know you really like this guy, even love him. You even said that if it doesn’t work out with him, you won’t be dating any more. But it seems to me it can’t work out with him, unless you want the status quo to continue: knowing about his unfaithfulness but not confronting him.

Dear natie,

I am sorry you’re going through such a hard time. Although you did cheat on your boyfriend, it seems to me that you’re treating yourself very harshly, believing that you are bad, “ugly as a human”, that your actions are ugly and that you deserve all of this:

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years yesterday not because he is bad but because i am.

When i cheated i immediately confronted my boyfriend, my mom , my sister and my best friend , i wanted those closest to me to know how ugly i can be as a human.

i updated him on everything i even told him i dont think u understand how ugly my actions were and I repeated what i had done to him with complete honesty multiple times

Im scared , i lost my job as well and i feel like I deserve all of this

This tells me you have a very negative core belief about yourself: “I am bad”. You say “I literally dont see any self worth”.  Are you aware when this belief started? Was it only after this affair, or even earlier?

In the situation with your boyfriend, you apologized for cheating and promised never to do it again. He was very supportive and in fact forgave you much more easily than you could forgive yourself. You couldn’t understand how he could be so forgiving. You wanted him to be angry at you and feel all those emotions and let them out, but he didn’t. He said: “I forgive you, i know your core and this doesn’t define you, lets put this behind us.”

I believe he was honest, he wasn’t suppressing his anger, and wasn’t feigning forgiveness.

But now, it seems he wants more commitment from you. He is considering moving back home, now that his father passed away. And you don’t want to, you have career plans abroad. I believe he probably sees it as a lack of commitment on your part, a lack of a deep desire to be with him, and even to sacrifice some things for him. It seems to me that he’s saying something like: “I love you enough to forgive you for what you did. Why can’t you love me enough to move back home with me if I ask you?” He feels his love is strong enough, but yours isn’t.

You said you’re a workaholic and that professional success is very important to you, so I can imagine you’d have a hard time sacrificing your job in order to be with him. It seems to me he’s asking you to do that, or at least to show willingness to do it, i.e. to put him first before your job. At least this is how I am understanding what is happening between the two of you.

Dear Diane,

you’re welcome. I am glad you felt a little bit lighter while packing up. I also understand it’s a big change for you, and you feel scared of what lies ahead. Do you have a new place picked? Please post whenever you feel the need, I’d love to read more about your journey.

Dear Felix,

I am sorry you’re having these repetitive thoughts again… you might find it easier to stop the mind chatter if you get into your body and connect to the here-and-now. There’s a famous method to reduce anxiety and ground yourself in the present moment. According to this method, you should name 5 things you can see around you, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. This will activate your senses and bring you back into your body, which is your safe place. It’s an antidote for the anxious, racing mind.

You can also do some physical exercise as a part of your morning routine (you say anxiety usually hits you in the morning). This will not only distract your mind from obsessing, but also fill you with endorphins, dopamine and serotonin, which are the brain chemicals that contribute to feeling good and reduce stress and anxiety.

Try not to hate yourself when you start obsessing. You can simply notice “oh the voice is here again”. And then proceed to do some exercise, a few pushups, or go for a jog, or any physical activity. Can be work in the garden, cutting the grass etc, although it might be boring for you (gardening usually is quite boring for young people 🙂 ). Anyway, I think exercise can help you a lot to neutralize that voice and feel better about yourself.

Dear triss,

Part of it is fear, part of it is sadness, for all the bad he was also my best friend and we did have some really great times and that makes me very sad to lose that. We had plans for a future that we also won’t see happen

I am sorry he’s changed so much, or your relationship changed… When you say you had some really good times and he was your best friend, how was he different back then? How was your relationship different? Was he more understanding and less critical of you?

How about you? You said “I also feel responsible for failures in the relationship – not all, but I have my own culpability in how I responded to things.” How do you think you contributed to the current conflict? (although his behavior, specially physical abuse, isn’t justified by anything you may have done wrong).

You don’t need to answer these questions if you feel uncomfortable talking about it here. But you can think about it for yourself, because it may help you in considering what to do next, i.e. whether you want to try to save your marriage or not.

I understand now that your feeling of being scattered is related to your current living conditions – temporarily staying at your brother’s place, which is 1.5 hours away from the place you work. And also, to the fact that your work is changing to something you don’t necessarily like (writing instead of designing). It seems these changes make you question your identity and add to your sense of insecurity, possibly along the lines of “what do I really want with regard to my job?”…

It seems to me that you’re at a crossroad in your life, triss. Perhaps this situation forces you to look deep into yourself and what you really want, both in terms of relationship and career. I agree with Kimita that it would be important to have support in this sensitive period. It’s great you have your brother’s support, at least in terms of having a place to stay. Try to surround yourself with supportive, non-judgmental people, as much as possible. A counselor would be great too, if you can afford it.

Also please keep sharing here on the forum, if you see some benefit from it…

Dear triss,

You’ve been with your partner for 8 years, married for 3 years, and it appears you’re starting to wake up now to what kind of person he really is. The last straw was when he hit you. It happened once and it prompted you to leave immediately (good decision, btw!).

You say you’re heartbroken, and it seems to me it’s because the illusion you had about him is crumbling now:

I thought he would get it – see that I left and take this seriously – profess his love and apologize and really. want to change – instead it’s been demands, anger, threats of suicide and more. There has not been an I love you or an I miss you – mainly attacks then “what was that brand you buy from the grocery.

You thought he’d realize how much he loves you, apologize and beg you to come back. But instead, you’re getting more of his anger, unreasonable demands and suicide threats.

You say you’re realizing that some of the things in your marriage and relationship were a lie, and that he has been lying to you:

I learn more every day – of the lies I have lived with about our marriage, wedding, relationship. There was no cheating – just lying about events, name calling and so on.

It seems to me that you’re waking up and realizing what kind of person he really is. It’s like you’ve lived in an illusion so far, and now your eyes are being opened. And I think a part of the reason you tolerated and perhaps haven’t even noticed his emotional abuse for so long, is that you believed you deserved to be treated like that.

You said you’re selfish, but didn’t explain in what sense you believe you’re selfish. If you believe there’s something wrong with you, you’ll be more likely to tolerate other people disrespecting you and abusing you.

I don’t know what I’m doing – I just know right now I am absolutely heart broken – and I just want to find my way back to myself – and purge this awful feeling out.

I understand this is very hard for you now. Yes, it would be important to find the way back to yourself. And I think it would help if you would explore how you are judging and condemning yourself, and thus making yourself a target for other people’s disrespect and abuse.

Dear Murtaza,

I am sorry you had a bad experience with a therapist. What she told you doesn’t seem professional. Like when you complained about apathy, she told you you must forget about it and start caring. Not a good approach, I think. Instead, she should have explored the causes of apathy with you, rather than telling you to think positive.

that’s why i don’t like the idea of therapy, i don’t want anyone to advice me, no one is allowed to do that

I hear you. A good therapist doesn’t give advice, or only rarely, but rather helps the client come to their own conclusions. Helps them remove the obstacles to their happiness.

already watched hundred of videos on YouTube about mental health, all have the same themes “workout, meditate, drink water etc” the same bullshit

The channel I suggested goes a bit deeper than that, but it’s true that it’s quite practical, it gives suggestions what to do to reduce anxiety, better regulate our emotions, better deal with depression etc. But if you want something really deep, which talks about childhood trauma and how it leads to our adult problems, specially addiction, watch Gabor Mate’s videos. He’s just released a 1,5 hour film, called “The Wisdom of Trauma”, and it’s free to watch until tomorrow. You can access it at wisdomoftrauma . com (without spaces).

Dear Murtaza,

I see you’re not too keen to work with a therapist, and not necessarily just because you don’t have money

oh really ? please tell me why on earth i would refuse a unconditional love, acceptance and compassionate

Because you said twice that you don’t want anything that requires “therapy or people”. You earlier said that you lost people – as in, you don’t really have close contacts with anybody except your sister. If  I understood well, you only communicate with people online. All that lead me to believe that your rejection of working with a therapist might not be just about money. But I might be wrong about that.

you even know the amount of luck to find such female, if she even exist in iraq?

When I said that healing happens in the context of a relationship, I didn’t mean romantic relationship but a therapeutic one. Any good therapist is trained to give you the so-called unconditional positive regard, to have compassion and understanding for you, to be non-judgmental, to see you and validate you. We cannot expect our romantic partner to be our therapist. We first need to work on ourselves so we can be capable of a healthy, fulfilling intimate relationship.

You can work on yourself by yourself, without a therapist. I gave an example of a youtube channel where you can start. There are many such channels, with lots of free material, if you’re interested. There are also online courses at affordable prices, which provide more in-depth information than the free stuff. So you’ve got options, you don’t have to “suffer in peace”.