Dear Alessa,

I think a fear of rejection was the thing that was holding me back the most from being able to connect with my empathy during conflict. What if I put myself out there, do all of the right things and it still doesn’t work out?

Then one day I realised that I was only upset because I felt rejected. And if I’m already rejected there is nothing to fear because it has already happened. I can stay true to myself and if things don’t work out, I can say that I tried and give myself comfort knowing that I did my best.

This is such a profound revelation: that you don’t need to fear rejection, because it has already happened (in your adopted family, or even with your biological mother, I assume?). And so you chose not to react from that fear, but rather, to open your heart and be vulnerable, i.e. speak openly about how you’re feeling during the conflict (if I understood you well?).

And so you remain open and compassionate with the person, even if what they’re doing is hurting you, right? You don’t close your heart and react defensively, but you remain loving but can also express what’s bothering you, like you did in this past conflict.

That’s a great strategy, Alessa, and I think it’s the basis for non-violent communication. And I must say I’ve been learning from you and applying the same strategy. And I see that I actually feel better when my heart remains open, when I’m not defending myself, but simply expressing how I feel.

But it’s hard to do that in the heat of conflict, when something really hurtful comes our way. But you’re right, in that case, when we feel our emotions run high, we need to pause and ask ourselves if this feeling is familiar to us and when is the first time we’ve felt it. And it usually leads to a childhood experience, i.e. something we’ve felt with our parents or caretakers.

So I really like your advice on how to regulate our strong emotions during conflict:

I have learned to view any kind of negativity in my mind with suspicion that this kind of narrative might be active.

Who does it sound like? Who does it remind me of is a question I ask myself to step back from identifying with negative thoughts and see them for what they are.

When is the earliest time I remember feeling this way? Is another good question to ask myself when I’m emotional to unpick traumatic memories from the present.

I can see how that can help us calm down and realize that ok, this is hurtful, but it is especially hurtful because my mother used to tell me this (for example). And so we can dial down the emotion and react from a calmer place, where we’re less upset about the person’s allegations.

I think I’m lucky in that my core stress response is to shut down and my instinct is to leave the situation. I have to force myself to stay in a stressful situation. Because my instinct is to take breaks, it does help me to emotionally regulate.

Yes, in a way that’s a positive thing you rather taking a break from the situation in order to calm down, rather than staying and getting ramped up even further. That’s a helpful stress response in most cases, because it allows you to take breaks and self-regulate. It’s self-care.

The only downside that I potentially see is that you’re perhaps tempted to leave and withdraw from the situation (not just for a short while, but for a longer period), even if it would be better to stay and sort of “stand your ground”. But I know this is very hard for you, because the automatic reaction is to leave. It’s a self-protective reaction, and I think it’s okay to honor that and not push yourself over the limits.

I think you really did great in this past conflict and have shown an example of non-violent communication. And I’ve learned a lot from you ❤️

Hi Peter,

thank you for your thoughts.

I see “staying with what’s hard” not as passivity, but as a kind of active presence, a doing by not doing, motion in stillness…

Alessa’s image of the mother cat beside the feral kitten captures it well. From the outside, it may look like nothing but inwardly it’s a profound act of presence experienced by both. Anyone who’s sat with someone in pain, especially a child, and not jumping to words, knows how much effort and courage that takes… That doing “nothing” can be a form of deep engagement.

This is very true, Peter. When a parent can simply sit with a child who is having a tantrum, and/or hold the child, without wanting to make them stop, yelling at them or judging them, but instead, loving on them and being present… that’s very healing.

Sitting with someone in their pain without trying to fix it can be very transformative. Because we feel seen, heard, accepted and not judged. Ideally, we get that in therapy too: unconditional positive regard, i.e. the therapist will never attack us or judge us for feeling a certain way. Even if we start projecting on them, accusing them of being like our parent (which is called negative transfer, I believe).

The job of a therapist in those moments is to hold the space for the client, without getting angry or defensive or offended. A good therapist will not defend themselves, but will try to explore the client’s feelings and the reasons behind the negative transfer. The client is not judged, but supported.

Well, that’s what happens in therapy. However, when the negative transfer happens in real life, on a public forum, it’s hard for the people who are wrongly accused to remain calm and switch into a therapist mode. Because a) we’re not therapists, and b) we’re not in a therapeutic relationship with the person.

True, this shouldn’t stop us from having unconditional positive regard. And I think Alessa had that, throughout the conflict. She’s shown compassion and understanding for the person. But she isn’t the person’s therapist, so she needed to set boundaries for herself. Because being faced with unfair accusations is hard, specially if done in public (at least it is for me, because it kind of magnifies things).

Dear Peter, I’d like to express something I haven’t expressed so far. It’s about how I felt about your reaction to the conflict, back in July/August. It seems you wanted to calm us down, to have us pause, right? You posted a poem about two mirrors reflecting each other. And you said that we should be mindful of our own stories and our own wounds when interacting with each other.

And I’ll be frank with you, Peter, it didn’t feel good to read that, because it felt like you blame us both equally for the conflict, that we’re both reacting from our own wounds. You haven’t acknowledged that perhaps one person is wrongly accusing the other. It felt like you assigned equal blame to both, telling us that we’re simply mirroring each other.

And that felt hurtful. Because, yes, I was defending myself, I didn’t react like a therapist would. But I didn’t accuse the person of things she hasn’t done, whereas she has accused me. And it felt unfair to hear that we’re both equally guilty for what was going on.

So this is what I want to express to you. My goal is to share my feelings and let you know how I felt about it. You’re welcome to share your feeling with me, if you’d like.

What further complicates the issue is that conflict often stirs up old ghosts. We’re not just reacting to the present, but to past wounds the other person can’t see just as we can’t see theirs. In such circumstances misunderstanding is likely if not inevitable and can feel like malice… Yet I wonder how much of the hurt is that ache is of the past not being recognized or acknowledged in the present as we want it to be in this moment…

Yes, the conflict we’re talking about stirred up old ghosts. But it stirred up more old ghosts in one person than in the other two involved in the conflict, resulting in the person accusing the other two of things they haven’t done.

I’ve been just thinking recently that the whole thing could have ended as a misunderstanding, because I apologized for suggesting something ill-fitted, which has clearly upset the person. I apologized twice. And if my apology had been accepted, we could have moved on, or even “agreed to disagree” (about compassion and radical acceptance as a way forward in healing).

But instead, my apology was rejected and I was further accused of harming the community. And this certainly didn’t feel like the person wanted to let things calm down. Quite the contrary, it meant escalation.

In that moment, the conflict shifted into a higher gear, because the person went on the attack, and I decided to defend myself, instead of glossing over it.

Perhaps I should have said something like: “I feel that you’re accusing me of harming the community. That feels really hurtful and unfair.” That would have been expressing what’s bothering me and naming harm, and doing it in the “I” form. That’s how non-violent communication is done. Maybe that would have stopped further attacks, I don’t know.

The way I see it: one party wanted to escalate and came up with unfair accusations. The other party defended themselves without consciously using non-violent communication skills. The third party was quite mindful and was using non-violent communication skills, but it didn’t help, because the attacks kept coming.

In a space where we work on past traumas, even the most empathetic won’t be able to understand our ghosts or banish them, that is our work to do.

Absolutely. If there’s unresolved trauma in us, and we react from old wounds, we might perceive even the most empathetic, the most well-meaning person, as the enemy.

Online, I’ve noticed a subtle expectation that naming a hurt or setting a boundary should lead to resolution. When it doesn’t, the conflict can feel unresolved. … Sometimes, naming the hurt is the most courageous thing we can do, and it has to be enough, if only for our own inner peace. We can’t control the outcome, but we can honor the truth of the moment.

I agree. Conflict resolution is not the same as taking action (e.g. naming harm, setting boundaries) when faced with something that is bothering us. The person can indeed respect our plea or not, hear what’s bothering us, or keep ignoring it.

Conflict resolution doesn’t depend on us only, but on the other party as well. But I think it’s okay to do something, to say something, rather than just keep silent and stoic and process everything within ourselves, not addressing the harm openly.

Your right, Staying with what’s hard isn’t the whole story but maybe it’s the beginning of a different kind of story, one where action arises from presence, and resolution isn’t the only measure of healing?

I agree, action should arise from that calm place within us, not from fight-or-flight. It should arise from us being connected to our true self, i.e. presence, as you call it. That’s ideally.

However, even if someone is not 100% in Zen mode, but is a little bit activated, I think we should be able to discern who is being harmed and e.g. wrongly accused in a particular situation, and who is the one doing the unfair accusations. I don’t think we should lump them all together and conclude that they all react from their wounds.

There should be discernment, because otherwise people who are being attacked and unfairly accused can easily end up being accused for not reacting perfectly, or even for defending themselves. And that’s not fair, because the victim feels doubly accused.

resolution isn’t the only measure of healing

While writing the post I’ve been reflecting on how much power we sometimes give to virtual spaces over how we feel about ourselves. It’s understandable, but I wonder how healthy that is, or how skillful in the Buddhist sense.

True, our own healing shouldn’t depend on whether the conflict is resolved or not, whether the other party has heard us. However, in a public space, be it online or offline, it’s good when we’re seen by others, not necessarily by the party we’re in conflict with, but by objective bystanders who can give us an honest feedback about how we’re coming across and whether we’re doing something hurtful or not.

Because when you’re being accused of being the abuser, and you’re perhaps not super self-confident and harbor feelings of guilt and doubt about yourself – you might even start believing that you are actually harming the person. You might start doubting yourself. So it’s better to receive feedback. And I’m grateful to people who did give me feedback and expressed their support.

But if the Buddha is right, and much of what we experience is illusion, then how much more so in a digital space where tone, presence, and nuance are stripped away?

Yeah, if we have a lot of unresolved trauma, there’s a higher chance that we’ll perceive things wrongly and see harm where there’s none. In that sense, our experience is an illusion. But not all of our experience is an illusion. There are situations where there is objective harm, where we’re being wrongly accused. It’s not our perception, but reality.

Sure, it’s more difficult in online spaces because we only rely on words and emoticons, but even so, I think we can still convey our feelings and our intentions pretty well. I don’t think language is the barrier, but our wounds are the barrier. Our own illusions.

But the thing is: not everything is an illusion. Sometimes harm is real. And we need to be able to respond to it in the best possible way… which is what our recent discussion is all about 🙂

Phew, this was long…. I hope it’s not too much, although I realize I’ve put everything into one post. Please don’t take this as an attack, Peter, just me expressing my thoughts and feelings. Please feel free to share yours.

P.S. I also realize we’re using Alessa’s thread for all this. I still hope Alessa is fine with this conversation. Are you, Alessa?

This is so sweet of you to say, Jana. You’re such a good person, with a big heart, and your willingness to keep working on yourself, to keep improving, is remarkable. You’re also helping us all here by opening important topics, that may be uncomfortable to talk about, but are crucial for self-development.

I wish you a lot of fulfilling time in nature and connecting to your deepest self. ❤️

The quote about new beginnings is beautiful – indeed, every day is a chance for a new beginning, a new way to look at ourselves and the world. Every day is an opportunity to become more healed, more whole… ❤️

I hope you don’t stay away for too long. Your presence here is much appreciated. ❤️

Hi Jana,

I have never blamed anyone for my troubles (I used to have strong social phobia since very early childhood until 25… I’m 36 today) or for what happened to me.

That’s a great character feature, Jana. Blaming others and not taking responsibility for our own life isn’t what will bring us forward. It won’t change our life circumstances, but will keep us stuck in the victim mentality.

So you’re right in not blaming others. However, sometimes we need to establish what happened – if there was trauma or some of our emotional needs haven’t been met during our childhood – because only when we know what’s missing, can we heal it.

Barbara Heffernan, a psychotherapist whose youtube channel I follow, once said:

Healing is a fact-finding, not a fault-finding mission.

We need to establish the facts of what happened to us – not with the goal of blaming people, but with the goal of healing. And a large part of healing is healing our inner child, giving her what she might have not received in childhood.

My parents are regular people with some mistakes, like all people. They both expressed regrets that they would have done things differently if they could go back… My mom was so unhappy thinking what a horrible mother she had to be 😔… which isn’t true! ❤️

This is wonderful that your parents expressed regret for perhaps not doing certain things properly in your childhood, of perhaps making mistakes that might have affected you later in life. It’s great that they’re self-aware and willing to admit that perhaps they haven’t been the greatest parents back then.

My mother for example would never do it, she would never admit that she wasn’t the greatest, most loving mother she could have been. And she definitely wasn’t: she was strict, lacked empathy for me, and very perfectionist. And other things. But she believes she was a loving mother, who sacrificed herself for me.

I love them and I know they love us (we are 4 children) and they are much more open to show affection to us today than ever before. 😊 Life runs and people change and realize a lot on the way…

That’s wonderful, Jana! The fact that they can show affection much more readily than before and that they have changed is amazing. Not all people are able to do that. Not all parents change for the better – some remain stubborn. So you’re lucky, Jana, that you have parents who are willing to examine themselves and grow. ❤️

When I had bad feelings about my past a few days ago… these are just echoes of my suffering… so I don’t forget what it was like…

You know, childhood trauma tends to stay with us, affecting us even into our adulthood, even if our parents (or people close to us) have changed in the meanwhile. That’s because we’ve received some of those key developmental imprints during our childhood.

That’s when we’ve learned whether we’re worthy of love or not, whether our needs are important or not, whether we matter or not. It is in our childhood that we’ve received those key “messages”, or imprints, that define how we ourselves today.

So even if our parents are more loving and caring than they were in our childhood, chances are that our inner child is still seeing the world through those distorted lenses, since the old imprints are still active. I’m not saying this is the case with you, just that it’s something worth considering. That if you find yourself reacting to things in the old way, even if the circumstances (and people) around you have changed, perhaps it’s your inner child still reacting to those old wounds and old conditioning. Just an idea…

I can feel that childhood is your topic.

Oh yes, definitely. And that’s because I’ve realized and experienced on my own skin how important healing the inner child is. Before I’ve started working with my inner child, I was stuck, I suffered from an eating disorder, I was blaming myself, I had no empathy for myself, my inner critic was very strong. Only when I’ve learned about the concept of the inner child, have I started to experience a significant shift in self-love, self-compassion and eventually, self-worth. Before that, I was really in a bad place, and it had lasted for a long long time.

If you want to share more from your experience, you can.

I’d be happy to share more about my healing, if you’re interested. I’ve shared a lot over the years on this forum, both about my childhood background and my healing, but if you’re interested in something specific, I’d be happy to talk about it. ❤️

Hi Peter and everyone,

I find this discussion about conflict very intriguing, and I’d like to share a few thoughts of my own.

It also occurred to me that my use of the word fix was off the mark again and that what I wrote could have been taken as a suggestion for all levels of conflict. From life threatening level 5 where resolution is vital, to misunderstanding level 1 where it might be ok to agree to disagree. When I wrote the response I was in the Level 1 mindset.

This is a great observation, Peter. That not all conflicts are of the same kind, and that in some, resolution is vital, because someone’s life might be in danger (there might be severe abuse taking place, e.g. domestic violence). Whereas in some conflicts, it might be okay to agree to disagree. The former being level 5, the latter, level 1. Brilliant!

You’ve mentioned a third way of dealing with the conflict. You’re talking about it here:

Honoring conflict without needing to fix, smooth over, or silence can be an act of deep respect. It asks us to stay present with discomfort, to trust that tension itself can be fertile ground for growth.

For me the question is: Can we hold space for conflict, not to resolve it immediately, but to honor it as part of the process? Can we stay present with the discomfort of misunderstanding, and trust that something meaningful might still grow there?…

Anyone who’s taken a yoga class knows holding tension in a posture isn’t easy or comfortable. But through breath and practice, we grow stronger. It’s still uncomfortable, but we learn that discomfort is okay. We’re okay as we are, even in our failings, maybe especially because of them.

After I posted, even though I stand by what I said, I felt the urge to pull it because I realized how easily even well-intentioned words can land in ways we don’t expect. Especially in spaces where people are hurting and trying to be heard as they attempt to create healthy boundaries… despite the impulse to stay out of it, I wanted to be brave and offer a third way…

If I understood you well, the 3rd way means to feel the tension and discomfort of the conflict, but not do anything to “fix” it, e.g. to address the issue that is bothering us, to speak up, to try to alleviate the pain we might be feeling.

I also understand that you don’t believe all conflicts should be handled like that, because you say that some conflicts do require resolution (“life threatening level 5 where resolution is vital“).

I would like to expand on that idea and talk about when I believe there is a need for resolution (i.e. action).

I believe action is needed whenever there is abuse taking place (be it physical or emotional), and there is a perpetrator and a victim. I think that those types of conflicts shouldn’t just be observed without doing anything.

Because I believe that abuse shouldn’t be endured, even if it’s “just” emotional abuse and not a life threatening situation (i.e. level 5).

You said some things back in August, about the conflict that was going on back then, which suggest that perhaps we should have just endured it stoically (Aug 10):

Tinny Buddha is a space that encourages vulnerability. That means boundaries will be tested, and yes, sometimes we will feel hurt and misunderstood. But I believe that if we can sit with that discomfort and not rush to fix it or assign blame, we find healing. That tension, that pause, is where transformation begins. It’s part of what makes life rich and worth living.

I tend to lean on the rule of charity and stoic thinking in these matters and for the most part it serves me well. But that can make insensitive and miss when someone has been caught up in the moment and left unheard. I’m sorry that in my initial response, I didn’t acknowledge the hurt you felt.

Maybe a deeper question is: can we find ways to honor someone’s inner process while also honoring our own, even when they seem to clash? It’s not an easy task, and I suspect each of us must find our own answer. But perhaps asking the question is enough to begin creating a space of grace, for understanding, time and healing and even forgiveness we all seek.

I believe that in the situation that was happening back then, we weren’t supposed to simply feel the discomfort and be stoic about it, because the conflict back then involved emotional abuse. People were getting hurt, and the abuse wouldn’t have stopped on its own, because the person refused to stop it.

And so action needed to be taken. We couldn’t honor the person’s inner process for however long it would have taken, because it was hurtful to real people whom the person was accusing of harming them, when objectively that wasn’t happening.

(I’m not using names on purpose, because I don’t want this to sound like I’m accusing people all over again. Because that’s not my intention at all. My intention is to discuss how to best deal with various types of conflict.).

I do believe, however, that there are conflicts in which we can “agree to disagree”. And it’s usually when it comes to matters of preference (e.g. liking one political party over another, liking certain policy measures or not), or even more trivial things, such as liking a certain country, a certain climate, a certain dish, etc.

People sometimes do get in vicious conflicts about things that are a matter of taste or preference, and that’s bad. It shouldn’t be like that.

However, when the conflict ensues because one person is being abusive to the other, and the other is trying to set a boundary, well, in my opinion, that’s not a matter of preference anymore. That’s not the “let’s agree to disagree” type of conflict.

I do agree with what you said here (Sept 18):

When I first saw the title of this thread — Safe and Brave — it felt like a contradiction. Bravery isn’t acting without fear; it’s feeling the fear and showing up anyway. And safety, I’m learning, might not mean comfort or agreement, but the kind of space where we’re allowed to get it wrong and still be held.

Yes, safety can mean to be held compassionately when we get it wrong. That’s a part of unconditional love, I suppose. And yes, what you describe is one aspect of safety: safety to make mistakes.

But there’s another aspect of safety: safety from abuse. Being allowed to protect ourselves, to set boundaries, and not be told to endure and accept abuse.

And I think that if we want to make this place safe (and brave), we need to have both aspects of safety covered.

In closing, I’d just like to say, Peter, that my intention here is not to cause another conflict. Not at all. I only wanted to share my perspective on conflict and clarify some things. You might not agree with me, in fact I’m okay if at the end we decide to “agree to disagree” 🙂 But I wanted to bring this up, because I find it a very important issue.

Alessa, I hope this is not too much for you. Truly, my intention is not to get into conflict, but to talk about it, so we can learn from the previous conflict and not repeat the same mistakes again. But if you feel uncomfortable, please say so. ❤️

Dear Anita and Alessa,

just a quick note: I want to reply to both of you, but it will be only later today.

Till later, have a nice day!

Dear Jana,

yes, beautiful quotes indeed. The quote about the pause reminds me of what Viktor Frankl said:

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

If we pause, the space opens… in which can choose our response. We don’t need to react, but we can respond. It’s something that I am learning to do as well.

I like another quote, by an American psychologist and coach Henry Cloud, who said:

Anger is a signal, not a solution.

What he means is that it’s okay to feel anger, because sometimes it means that our boundaries are being crossed, that we’re violated in some way. Anger in itself is not bad – it can be a useful signal to us that we should protect ourselves. However, it doesn’t mean we should react with anger, in anger. Instead, we can learn how to set boundaries assertively and compassionately.

And also, when we feel anger, it’s good to observe ourselves: why we feel angry, are we facing an external threat, are we being abused, or maybe we’re overreacting because the situation reminds us of something we’ve experienced before, i.e. it’s an old wound that got reopened?

Sometimes both can be true: there is abuse or mistreatment coming from another person, and we’re overreacting because of our past trauma. So we need to unpick what is due to our own sensitivity and perhaps our false perception of things, and what is really hurtful that is coming from the outside.

In any case, I like the notion that anger is a signal, but not a solution. When we feel anger, we need to pause and reflect. And come up with a solution, a response, which is more balanced and compassionate than if we reacted from anger.

I too am still learning these things. It’s good to talk about it and find solutions that are both compassionate and assertive. I guess that’s the point of non-violent communication. Thanks, Jana, for starting this topic ❤️

Hi SereneWolf,

How have you been?

ehh, I’ve been better… it’s my health again, same things coming up again. I really need to force myself to follow my own advice: not to focus on the things I cannot change, but on that which I can.

It’s so easy to focus on the negative when the pain is physical. It’s hard not to think about it… but I guess I have to, I have to shift my attention from that pain (and the entire narrative that it evokes) to something constructive, where I can actually change things, where I don’t need to feel stuck. So that’s been my battle, and I still haven’t won it 🙁

My father is doing okay, though we’ve been changing hospitals now and then because sometimes his coughing gets worse. He has TB, but it’s now just a six-month prevention course of doses.

Oh wow, I’m sorry your dad has TB. I’ve just looked it up – it says it’s important to exterminate the bacteria fully, so that it doesn’t become resistant to antibiotics. I guess that’s why he needs to take the antibiotics over the period of 6 months?

Recently, I’ve been feeling that old sense of losing self-worth without a job. It’s been so many months and there’s still no progress, so many applications, no replies. The stress and self-doubt I was fearing before is starting to build again. On top of that, the financial pressure from hospital bills, family stress, and the loneliness… even though I had good savings, it’s wearing me down.

I’m so sorry, SereneWolf. It sounds tough… I’m honestly impressed that you, even though unemployed, are still able to cover all the medical bills for your father and to support yourself as well. It shows you were very smart, having some savings set aside, because God knows, you need it now.

I do hope you’ll find a suitable job ASAP. Please try not to lose self-confidence, because you’re a very capable young man. The current situation, with you supporting your family even without being employed – speaks to that. I like what you said here:

I also know deep down that no matter what, I’ll figure things out if I just get the opportunity.

Yes, definitely! You’re very capable and you’ll figure things out. Just don’t start doubting yourself!

No, my father isn’t working, and there’s no retirement either since he was in the family business.

Oh that’s bad. So he was working for himself and wasn’t paying anything towards his retirement? And hasn’t set anything aside, as a savings fund?

I’ve been feeling that old sense of losing self-worth without a job.

I hear you, because I know it very well when the old narrative starts creeping in. Mine is the narrative of hopelessness, yours is of no self-worth. Worthlessness. But it’s such a huge, monumental lie, SereneWolf. It’s the old program creeping in, but you know how to switch it off. You can repeat to yourself something like: “I am worthy always, even when I don’t have a job”.

You’ve been raised with the narrative that your worth is measured by how much money you make, right? By how financially successful you are… and that’s such a cruel stance.

Something’s just occurred to me: it could be that parents were saying this to their children, because they expected to be taken care of in their old age. If the children aren’t successful, the parents won’t be able to be taken care of properly. So perhaps this entire culture of measuring the child’s worth through the lens of material success is based on this, rather, selfish premise? Of worrying about their own old age and trying to ensure they’d be properly taken care of?

I don’t want to speak badly of your parents, but perhaps the culture in India is a bit cruel towards children in general, and so you were raised in such a culture, and it’s very hard to extricate yourself from its conditioning?

Still, I do hope you find a job soon, and something you like as well. Are you still looking for remote positions exclusively?

Cooking is honestly the only thing keeping me sane right now. I’m trying to entertain myself, but I rarely find anything that really clicks.

Good that you have something to keep your spirits high. What about bike riding and other activities that you said you love?

I hope your situation changes soon… but you know, perhaps what should change first is the inner “situation”, i.e. your self-image, where you’re telling yourself that you’re worthless without a job. If that’s what you’re telling yourself, or are tempted to tell yourself, please change it. Please rewrite this false narrative. And then perhaps, even your outer situation will change all of a sudden…

Wishing you luck and rooting for you, SereneWolf!