Dear lpkR09,

I think you should read and listen to the person without judgement as for disclosing similarities, it is someone who has a tough time opening to people. So, I feel I should refrain from speaking about that other thread. Any story which has been lived by two people, obviously has two sides is all I can say at the moment and both parties should get a non-judgemental hearing and unbiased help.

alright, it’s most probably your boyfriend then. If this were therapy, which it isn’t, it would be unethical for a therapist to work with both parties in the couple separately. Only acceptable would be couple therapy. That’s because of confidentiality issues. But okay, this isn’t therapy. Does he know you’re posting on this forum as well?

Please know, I am in no way judgmental towards either of you, would be glad to help if possible, but I think it would be important that both of you know that the other is sharing here, and to agree how to go about it. How open can both of you be if you know the other might be reading? So for me, it would be important that I don’t need to pretend that it’s not him, but that I can speak openly.

Dear Ilyana,

so good to hear you’re doing well and that your cognitive abilities have improved compared to a month ago. I think you have the right attitude to healing, you’re taking it slowly, having lots of compassion for yourself, not judging yourself, and making small but definite steps every day on your journey to healing. And that you’ve regained hope – which is so important!

I am really happy to read about your progress and your healthy attitude, and am rooting that MRI show no physical damage. It’s very promising that you’re experiencing improvement in your cognition, which means there’s probably no physical damage.

Dear ninibee,

I can remember at the time thinking if I had someone to share my goals/projects/achievements with that I would be more motivated in life. For much of my life, I have been solely motivated by getting attention (or connection)

You know how children always shout “Mom, watch me!”, or “Dad, watch me!” when they’re proud of some achievement of theirs, be it a jump in the water, or walking on the rope, or whatever they may be proud of themselves. The child is always keen on getting the parents’ affirmation of their skills and abilities. The child loves to be good at things and also to get the parents’ praise.

But if you felt from a very early age that your mother isn’t even interested in you, that she finds you “icky” or repulsive, it wouldn’t be surprising that you later didn’t care about her seeing your success and giving you praise either. You wouldn’t be motivated to want anything from her, when she rejected you from the start. As a consequence, you wouldn’t be motivated to achieve anything in your life either, because what’s the point – there’s no one who cares to see it. Do you think this could have been the case?

Dear Ava,

your girlfriend doesn’t seem to respect you and your needs, e.g. to have sex only when you too are in the mood, but is focused only on her own needs. She doesn’t respect your boundaries either, e.g. by being cruel during sex when you clearly don’t want it, by calling you derogatory names which you also don’t like and have told her so, by laughing at your need for precaution and protecting your health. As Anita says, she’s being abusive, and you’re enduring behaviors that you shouldn’t be enduring.

As for personality change during sex, yes, it happens with quite a few people, specially people who haven’t worked through their subconscious material, e.g. their anger at their parents, and so they vent their anger at their partner during sex. Sex brings a lot of our “shadow” to the surface, which otherwise we suppress. You’re on the receiving end of your girlfriend’s unprocessed shadow… think about whether you want to endure that, or you want to set some boundaries and protect yourself.

Dear lpkR09,

your late grandmother seems like a loving, caring person. She did a fine job taking care of you, and it could be that because of that, you have a certain strength and resilience in you, that you otherwise wouldn’t have.

My mum used to sneak from the house and travel between districts to reach me on my birthdays. I knew her as an aunt, not my mum. I used to call my Grandma my ‘mum’ then.

That’s interesting. It must have been hard when you were separated from your granny and taken to your parents. How did you react to that (specially when they told you that your granny isn’t your mother, but that the “aunt” actually is your mother)? How well did you accept your mother (and how well did she accept you)? And how was the adaptation to your new life circumstances? I guess your sister wasn’t too happy to have you there…

I believe it was a huge change for you and possibly a traumatic one, and it left consequences, for sure.

I didn’t know that I was left at my granny’s till I was much much older. But when I did find out, it explained a lot of things. My mother used to tell a story that when she came to visit me during that period, I leaned towards my granny, a little apprehensive, and asked “Granny, who’s this lady?” I didn’t even recognize my mother… And you’re right, these experiences did hurt me, but also forced me to work on myself and heal. And I am happy if I can help people who went through something similar…

If the Universe wants to take me out and make me give up, it will have to kill me.

This shows you still have quite a negative view of the universe, as if it were the enemy. Still projecting your negative view about your parents at the universe… Well, anyway, just be aware of it. It can’t be changed without some deeper inner work, but be aware it’s a false belief and that it doesn’t really help you reach your goals.

I understand you, Felix. But also, IT is a huge sector, I mean everybody needs IT services, so have you tried those non-profits and smaller organizations that you like better? I do hope you get an acceptable offer at such a place. Because you don’t like soulless anything, and if you’d have to work for a soulless, greedy company, you’d be betraying your core values. There’s a whole range of sustainable companies that care not only about profit, but about making good in the world as well, e.g. you can google bcorp.

Dear Sofioula,

I am very happy that what I said made sense and resonated with you.

One more thing that makes me uncomfortable though, is that I told my ex that I wanted to be married by 27 – 28 and that was the official reason for our break up (others became apparent to me later). Since that’s not happening, I feel so bad for not doing as I said. In my eyes it’s him telling me “I told you so” and it drives me crazy. How do I deal with that?

What you told your ex was not really your true desire, but the expectations of your parents speaking through you. Even if it were your own desire, we have the right to change our minds. A year ago you were thinking one thing, and now, with an expanded understanding, you believe something else. That’s how we grow and evolve – nothing bad about it.

What makes it bad is when you believe that changing your mind or making a mistake is a bad thing – something that your father taught you to believe. He made you a bad person for making a mistake (although changing your mind isn’t even a mistake), and you believe it. You’d need to tell yourself it’s your father’s programming, and there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind or making a mistake. You can tell yourself a little mantra: “I have the right to make mistakes”. Or “I have the right to change my mind.” And “I am not a bad person because of it”.

Regarding therapy, CBT does have its limits. What helped me was body-oriented, somatic therapy, which works with the body and emotions too, not just with the mind. Because we can understand everything on the rational level, and yet be unable to truly change our behavior and our reactions in day-to-day life. Working with the inner child is super helpful because our inner child holds those subconscious beliefs and emotional wounding. Once we get in touch with our inner child and get a corrective emotional experience in therapy, that’s when we can truly heal and it shows in our everyday life too.

Sorry for the capslock. It’s just that I felt so angry with them. Especially my dad. This is what I have to put up with every single time I’m about to make a decision, whether it is buying a car, dating someone, ordering take-out of FOR GOD’S SAKE spilling water on the freaking table. CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. So unbearably controlling.

It’s okay that you feel anger, it can be healing. You said in previous threads that your father used to yell at you if you’d accidentally drop food on the floor, or such little things. It’s almost like he needed every excuse so he can vent his anger. He was full of anger, but it wasn’t your fault, it was his personality. He might have been angry at his controlling mother, who knows, but he was never allowed to express it to her, and he never saw the need to deal with it in therapy, so he vented whenever possible. It’s easiest to vent at children because they’re weak and subordinate. My mother used to yell at me too, for tiniest things. It’s how they manage stress. But it’s terribly damaging for the child…

Also, the need for control. My mother used to control me too, I think because of 2 things: 1) she feared for me – she was/is a person based on fear, and 2) she didn’t trust that I can take care of myself, or that I can make good decisions for myself. She brought me up with lots of criticism and condemnation, lots of scolding, yelling, telling me how wrong I was in this or that way. If you’re constantly told you aren’t good enough and there’s something wrong with you, then the child stops believing in oneself and its inner voice. The internal compass gets messed up… and eventually, we really might start making foolish decisions and act in weird ways, but it’s the result of our upbringing, not because there’s something inherently wrong with us – as our parents would want us to believe.

Your father’s anger and the need for control are the result of his own unresolved issues, and also of lack of basic understanding that the child isn’t his ownership, his “project” that he can mold into an obedient soldier, or a doll, as you said. The child has its own unique personality, its own desires, its own temperament. It needs to be treated as an individual, not as the parent’s ownership.

My mother treated me like her ownership, and I believe your father did that with you too. There was no place for your unique individuality, for your desires, for your goals and dreams – you need to fulfill what he wants and thinks is best for you. That’s the epitome of an authoritative parent. If you don’t obey him, he believes you don’t love him.

So the above would roughly be the answer to your question of why he has to control you, patronize you, worry about your potential failures, and tell you “I told you so”. He probably won’t change, at least not spontaneously, but the good thing is that you can change, in a way that you aren’t susceptible any more to his fears and attempts to control you, but can be your own person and choose your own life and destiny. It’s not easy to do, but it’s possible, step by step, to reclaim the real, authentic you <3

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.