Dear lpkR09,

your late grandmother seems like a loving, caring person. She did a fine job taking care of you, and it could be that because of that, you have a certain strength and resilience in you, that you otherwise wouldn’t have.

My mum used to sneak from the house and travel between districts to reach me on my birthdays. I knew her as an aunt, not my mum. I used to call my Grandma my ‘mum’ then.

That’s interesting. It must have been hard when you were separated from your granny and taken to your parents. How did you react to that (specially when they told you that your granny isn’t your mother, but that the “aunt” actually is your mother)? How well did you accept your mother (and how well did she accept you)? And how was the adaptation to your new life circumstances? I guess your sister wasn’t too happy to have you there…

I believe it was a huge change for you and possibly a traumatic one, and it left consequences, for sure.

I didn’t know that I was left at my granny’s till I was much much older. But when I did find out, it explained a lot of things. My mother used to tell a story that when she came to visit me during that period, I leaned towards my granny, a little apprehensive, and asked “Granny, who’s this lady?” I didn’t even recognize my mother… And you’re right, these experiences did hurt me, but also forced me to work on myself and heal. And I am happy if I can help people who went through something similar…

If the Universe wants to take me out and make me give up, it will have to kill me.

This shows you still have quite a negative view of the universe, as if it were the enemy. Still projecting your negative view about your parents at the universe… Well, anyway, just be aware of it. It can’t be changed without some deeper inner work, but be aware it’s a false belief and that it doesn’t really help you reach your goals.

I understand you, Felix. But also, IT is a huge sector, I mean everybody needs IT services, so have you tried those non-profits and smaller organizations that you like better? I do hope you get an acceptable offer at such a place. Because you don’t like soulless anything, and if you’d have to work for a soulless, greedy company, you’d be betraying your core values. There’s a whole range of sustainable companies that care not only about profit, but about making good in the world as well, e.g. you can google bcorp.

Dear Sofioula,

I am very happy that what I said made sense and resonated with you.

One more thing that makes me uncomfortable though, is that I told my ex that I wanted to be married by 27 – 28 and that was the official reason for our break up (others became apparent to me later). Since that’s not happening, I feel so bad for not doing as I said. In my eyes it’s him telling me “I told you so” and it drives me crazy. How do I deal with that?

What you told your ex was not really your true desire, but the expectations of your parents speaking through you. Even if it were your own desire, we have the right to change our minds. A year ago you were thinking one thing, and now, with an expanded understanding, you believe something else. That’s how we grow and evolve – nothing bad about it.

What makes it bad is when you believe that changing your mind or making a mistake is a bad thing – something that your father taught you to believe. He made you a bad person for making a mistake (although changing your mind isn’t even a mistake), and you believe it. You’d need to tell yourself it’s your father’s programming, and there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind or making a mistake. You can tell yourself a little mantra: “I have the right to make mistakes”. Or “I have the right to change my mind.” And “I am not a bad person because of it”.

Regarding therapy, CBT does have its limits. What helped me was body-oriented, somatic therapy, which works with the body and emotions too, not just with the mind. Because we can understand everything on the rational level, and yet be unable to truly change our behavior and our reactions in day-to-day life. Working with the inner child is super helpful because our inner child holds those subconscious beliefs and emotional wounding. Once we get in touch with our inner child and get a corrective emotional experience in therapy, that’s when we can truly heal and it shows in our everyday life too.

Sorry for the capslock. It’s just that I felt so angry with them. Especially my dad. This is what I have to put up with every single time I’m about to make a decision, whether it is buying a car, dating someone, ordering take-out of FOR GOD’S SAKE spilling water on the freaking table. CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. So unbearably controlling.

It’s okay that you feel anger, it can be healing. You said in previous threads that your father used to yell at you if you’d accidentally drop food on the floor, or such little things. It’s almost like he needed every excuse so he can vent his anger. He was full of anger, but it wasn’t your fault, it was his personality. He might have been angry at his controlling mother, who knows, but he was never allowed to express it to her, and he never saw the need to deal with it in therapy, so he vented whenever possible. It’s easiest to vent at children because they’re weak and subordinate. My mother used to yell at me too, for tiniest things. It’s how they manage stress. But it’s terribly damaging for the child…

Also, the need for control. My mother used to control me too, I think because of 2 things: 1) she feared for me – she was/is a person based on fear, and 2) she didn’t trust that I can take care of myself, or that I can make good decisions for myself. She brought me up with lots of criticism and condemnation, lots of scolding, yelling, telling me how wrong I was in this or that way. If you’re constantly told you aren’t good enough and there’s something wrong with you, then the child stops believing in oneself and its inner voice. The internal compass gets messed up… and eventually, we really might start making foolish decisions and act in weird ways, but it’s the result of our upbringing, not because there’s something inherently wrong with us – as our parents would want us to believe.

Your father’s anger and the need for control are the result of his own unresolved issues, and also of lack of basic understanding that the child isn’t his ownership, his “project” that he can mold into an obedient soldier, or a doll, as you said. The child has its own unique personality, its own desires, its own temperament. It needs to be treated as an individual, not as the parent’s ownership.

My mother treated me like her ownership, and I believe your father did that with you too. There was no place for your unique individuality, for your desires, for your goals and dreams – you need to fulfill what he wants and thinks is best for you. That’s the epitome of an authoritative parent. If you don’t obey him, he believes you don’t love him.

So the above would roughly be the answer to your question of why he has to control you, patronize you, worry about your potential failures, and tell you “I told you so”. He probably won’t change, at least not spontaneously, but the good thing is that you can change, in a way that you aren’t susceptible any more to his fears and attempts to control you, but can be your own person and choose your own life and destiny. It’s not easy to do, but it’s possible, step by step, to reclaim the real, authentic you <3

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.

Dear Felix,

When I feel like I don’t have the strength to go on, which was the original topic for this post, I will look inside, I will reach out to the Universe, I will reach out to those who are true friends and true family (not through blood, but through courage and love), and ask them for love and support.

that’s really beautiful if you can do that. You’re right not to put too much time and energy in keeping touch with your family, because they don’t appreciate it anyway. Better to remove yourself from their toxicity, as you say. But if you can reach out to the universe and to other loving people for help and support, that would be a great step.

What I tried to point out in my previous post is that you might be projecting your negative experience with your family to the  universe, and therefore are feeling as if the universe were mute or even harsh and not responding to your pleas. However if you change that attitude and realize that the universe and other people aren’t like your family, and you start hoping and reaching out again, you might have a very different experience.

Dear Joane,

if you had a relationship before and you stayed friends all these years, it appears to me that even if the relationship doesn’t work out at this time, your friendship wouldn’t be in trouble – if that’s his biggest fear.

However the issue I’m having is I don’t know where I stand.

What exactly is it that you’re unsure about?

Dear Joane,

I meet a guy thought work about 10 years ago, we ended up being together for about 3 years. We didn’t end badly it was the right person just the wrong time.

Were you with other people during those 3 years you were together, i.e. were you his mistress and he had a wife or partner then? Or you had a partner and were having an affair with him? I am asking because you said it was the right person but the wrong time.

Dear lpkR09,

it’s good you’re seeing things clearly and that you want to focus on yourself and your own needs. Loving yourself and being dedicated to yourself is now your first priority. By all means talk to us whenever you feel weak and lonely and are tempted to get in touch with him again. You said he was your kryptonite, he was weakening you, because it was hard to be with someone whose love was so hard to get. It was frustrating and exhausting. And not only that, but the constant on and off, the hope and then the disappointment, is what made it even more exhausting. Remember that when you want to reach out to him, or when he perhaps gets in touch, trying something again…. Take good care of yourself, and keep in touch <3