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Viewing 15 posts - 1,786 through 1,800 (of 1,950 total)
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  • in reply to: I need Help…Again! #377666
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear lpkR09,

    I think you should read and listen to the person without judgement as for disclosing similarities, it is someone who has a tough time opening to people. So, I feel I should refrain from speaking about that other thread. Any story which has been lived by two people, obviously has two sides is all I can say at the moment and both parties should get a non-judgemental hearing and unbiased help.

    alright, it’s most probably your boyfriend then. If this were therapy, which it isn’t, it would be unethical for a therapist to work with both parties in the couple separately. Only acceptable would be couple therapy. That’s because of confidentiality issues. But okay, this isn’t therapy. Does he know you’re posting on this forum as well?

    Please know, I am in no way judgmental towards either of you, would be glad to help if possible, but I think it would be important that both of you know that the other is sharing here, and to agree how to go about it. How open can both of you be if you know the other might be reading? So for me, it would be important that I don’t need to pretend that it’s not him, but that I can speak openly.

    in reply to: I need Help…Again! #377661
    Tee
    Participant

    DearlpkR09,

    I don’t know if this is a coincidence, or the Indian man Dpk, who in  the meanwhile changed his profile name to Kpd, is actually your boyfriend?? Because his story is incredibly similar to yours – in all of its elements, only seen from his perspective. It would also explain why he is so obsessed with getting your sister’s approval. This man, Kpd, had a crush on the older sister and expressed it to her (while under the influence of alcohol) even though he knew she was engaged at the time. After several months he realized he didn’t like her at all because she was bossy and dominating, and even started detesting her. About 6 months later he started dating her younger sister. The older sister created a “ruckus”, for his unethical behavior, and turned all his friends against him. They all started saying it was wrong of him to pursue the younger sister. He started feeling guilty, asking for breaks in the relationship, and now recently has broken up with her for good.

    If this is your boyfriend who’s asking for help here, that’s fine, however it would be important that that’s cleared – whether it’s him or not.

    in reply to: Need Hope #377636
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Ilyana,

    so good to hear you’re doing well and that your cognitive abilities have improved compared to a month ago. I think you have the right attitude to healing, you’re taking it slowly, having lots of compassion for yourself, not judging yourself, and making small but definite steps every day on your journey to healing. And that you’ve regained hope – which is so important!

    I am really happy to read about your progress and your healthy attitude, and am rooting that MRI show no physical damage. It’s very promising that you’re experiencing improvement in your cognition, which means there’s probably no physical damage.

    in reply to: Being better at accepting depression #377628
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear noname,

    I believe there are two ways you could feel loved: 1) one is by giving love to your inner child (being the compassionate parent to your wounded inner child), and 2) if No1 isn’t working because you’re unable to give any love to yourself whatsoever and cannot be a loving parent to your inner child, you could ask God to fill you with love.

    Are you religious, noname? Pleading God to fill me with his love is what helped me to get that first “dose” of love and nurturance, which filled my heart and allowed me to start loving myself, little by little. Opening myself to the love of divine parents is what helped me cross that bridge to loving myself.

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear ninibee,

    I can remember at the time thinking if I had someone to share my goals/projects/achievements with that I would be more motivated in life. For much of my life, I have been solely motivated by getting attention (or connection)

    You know how children always shout “Mom, watch me!”, or “Dad, watch me!” when they’re proud of some achievement of theirs, be it a jump in the water, or walking on the rope, or whatever they may be proud of themselves. The child is always keen on getting the parents’ affirmation of their skills and abilities. The child loves to be good at things and also to get the parents’ praise.

    But if you felt from a very early age that your mother isn’t even interested in you, that she finds you “icky” or repulsive, it wouldn’t be surprising that you later didn’t care about her seeing your success and giving you praise either. You wouldn’t be motivated to want anything from her, when she rejected you from the start. As a consequence, you wouldn’t be motivated to achieve anything in your life either, because what’s the point – there’s no one who cares to see it. Do you think this could have been the case?

    in reply to: Conflicting myself much #377610
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Neverdyed,

    you’re welcome. No need to worry about popping up only when you need help. That’s what this forum is about – people asking for help, and then others hopefully answering if they feel they can help in some way. That’s different than being in a relationship, where constancy and dedication to each other is important.

    Back to that pattern, if I can’t recall where it stems from in my childhood, would you suggest “persuading” myself to believe that I’m innocent?

    Perhaps the pattern has to do with your mother accusing you of being selfish, and you believing her? I remember we talked about it a while ago…  Try to list everything you feel guilty about in your life (perhaps you can share some of that here), and then we can see how it may be related to your childhood.

    in reply to: Personality changes during sex #377585
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Ava,

    your girlfriend doesn’t seem to respect you and your needs, e.g. to have sex only when you too are in the mood, but is focused only on her own needs. She doesn’t respect your boundaries either, e.g. by being cruel during sex when you clearly don’t want it, by calling you derogatory names which you also don’t like and have told her so, by laughing at your need for precaution and protecting your health. As Anita says, she’s being abusive, and you’re enduring behaviors that you shouldn’t be enduring.

    As for personality change during sex, yes, it happens with quite a few people, specially people who haven’t worked through their subconscious material, e.g. their anger at their parents, and so they vent their anger at their partner during sex. Sex brings a lot of our “shadow” to the surface, which otherwise we suppress. You’re on the receiving end of your girlfriend’s unprocessed shadow… think about whether you want to endure that, or you want to set some boundaries and protect yourself.

    in reply to: Where to find strength #377561
    Tee
    Participant

    Yeah, many things in this world don’t seem fair. But if we focus only on the bad stuff, we can lose our minds.

    It can’t all be bad, it can’t all be just so random. I am die hard atheist, but that doesn’t I don’t accept the idea of things we do not understand. I simply refuse to see it as some playground for a higher being.

    I believe that too – it’s not all bad, and probably it’s not random either, at least I hope so. What we can do is do our best and then hope for the best. There are many factors we cannot influence, many things that can go wrong, that’s why we need hope. That’s why I am talking about hope so much… because without it, it’s so hard to move ahead.

    There is a saying in Russian, “A dog is only mean when it lives a shitty life”, which is true in part. I’ve had a bad 5+ years and I feel like a beaten dog right now.

    I agree with that saying. But it’s not just the last 5 years that’s been bad for you, but a lot of your childhood and youth. And this is what really determined you and your life experience now. You’d need to work on those childhood wounds, Felix. I know you’re seeing a therapist, so that’s cool. But anyway, you’d need to meet that boy and start to love him, to love yourself, in  order to truly move forward.

    You say you don’t know how to love yourself:

    I don’t know how, considering I hate my self quite a bit, but I will learn.

    You’d need to get in touch with that inner child who was abandoned and neglected, and love him. Give him the love he deserves. Because I guess you do believe that little boy deserves love? He’s your way out and your strength, Felix.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.
    in reply to: I need Help…Again! #377554
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear lpkR09,

    your late grandmother seems like a loving, caring person. She did a fine job taking care of you, and it could be that because of that, you have a certain strength and resilience in you, that you otherwise wouldn’t have.

    My mum used to sneak from the house and travel between districts to reach me on my birthdays. I knew her as an aunt, not my mum. I used to call my Grandma my ‘mum’ then.

    That’s interesting. It must have been hard when you were separated from your granny and taken to your parents. How did you react to that (specially when they told you that your granny isn’t your mother, but that the “aunt” actually is your mother)? How well did you accept your mother (and how well did she accept you)? And how was the adaptation to your new life circumstances? I guess your sister wasn’t too happy to have you there…

    I believe it was a huge change for you and possibly a traumatic one, and it left consequences, for sure.

    I didn’t know that I was left at my granny’s till I was much much older. But when I did find out, it explained a lot of things. My mother used to tell a story that when she came to visit me during that period, I leaned towards my granny, a little apprehensive, and asked “Granny, who’s this lady?” I didn’t even recognize my mother… And you’re right, these experiences did hurt me, but also forced me to work on myself and heal. And I am happy if I can help people who went through something similar…

     

    in reply to: Conflicting myself much #377551
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Neverdyed,

    good to hear from you! I’m fine, thanks.

    My boss showed up looking upset, and I guessed it’s because of me even without obvious reasons.

    I said again because I often think like that, and now I wonder what I can do to improve the issue in addition to find out why I tend to act like that.

    First, it’s good that you’ve noticed it, and also that you’ve noticed it’s a pattern that comes up in similar situations: that you’re blaming  yourself. It most probably stems from your childhood, because the child always believes it’s their fault if the parent is unhappy or upset. With your boss you feel the same, because he’s an authority figure, so he evokes similar feelings of wanting to please him and get his approval, or avoid his judgment. He might have been upset because something totally unrelated to you, but you took it on yourself, believing it’s your fault.

    What you can do is be aware of the pattern, and also work on understanding the family dynamic that led to this pattern. How did your parents made you feel guilty, even when you were completely innocent? You’d need to understand that it wasn’t your fault and refuse to take the blame on yourself.

    in reply to: Where to find strength #377548
    Tee
    Participant

    If the Universe wants to take me out and make me give up, it will have to kill me.

    This shows you still have quite a negative view of the universe, as if it were the enemy. Still projecting your negative view about your parents at the universe… Well, anyway, just be aware of it. It can’t be changed without some deeper inner work, but be aware it’s a false belief and that it doesn’t really help you reach your goals.

    in reply to: Where to find strength #377545
    Tee
    Participant

    I will compromise, but to a point.

    That’s good – keep your minimum  standards, because otherwise you won’t be happy.

    I am asking the universe to help me find something, but I am not expecting anything.

    Dare to expect and hope. The universe might have something really good in store for you!

    in reply to: Where to find strength #377539
    Tee
    Participant

    I understand you, Felix. But also, IT is a huge sector, I mean everybody needs IT services, so have you tried those non-profits and smaller organizations that you like better? I do hope you get an acceptable offer at such a place. Because you don’t like soulless anything, and if you’d have to work for a soulless, greedy company, you’d be betraying your core values. There’s a whole range of sustainable companies that care not only about profit, but about making good in the world as well, e.g. you can google bcorp.

     

    in reply to: Where to find strength #377532
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    one thing I’ve noticed a few posts ago is that you said you’re applying for a job at various “soulless corporations”, being rejected all the time. But you also said that you know what you want in terms of career and have worked out a plan for yourself. Does that plan involve working at a soulless corporation, or it’s something else?

    in reply to: Expectation fatigue – Trying too hard? #377530
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Sofioula,

    I am very happy that what I said made sense and resonated with you.

    One more thing that makes me uncomfortable though, is that I told my ex that I wanted to be married by 27 – 28 and that was the official reason for our break up (others became apparent to me later). Since that’s not happening, I feel so bad for not doing as I said. In my eyes it’s him telling me “I told you so” and it drives me crazy. How do I deal with that?

    What you told your ex was not really your true desire, but the expectations of your parents speaking through you. Even if it were your own desire, we have the right to change our minds. A year ago you were thinking one thing, and now, with an expanded understanding, you believe something else. That’s how we grow and evolve – nothing bad about it.

    What makes it bad is when you believe that changing your mind or making a mistake is a bad thing – something that your father taught you to believe. He made you a bad person for making a mistake (although changing your mind isn’t even a mistake), and you believe it. You’d need to tell yourself it’s your father’s programming, and there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind or making a mistake. You can tell yourself a little mantra: “I have the right to make mistakes”. Or “I have the right to change my mind.” And “I am not a bad person because of it”.

    Regarding therapy, CBT does have its limits. What helped me was body-oriented, somatic therapy, which works with the body and emotions too, not just with the mind. Because we can understand everything on the rational level, and yet be unable to truly change our behavior and our reactions in day-to-day life. Working with the inner child is super helpful because our inner child holds those subconscious beliefs and emotional wounding. Once we get in touch with our inner child and get a corrective emotional experience in therapy, that’s when we can truly heal and it shows in our everyday life too.

    Sorry for the capslock. It’s just that I felt so angry with them. Especially my dad. This is what I have to put up with every single time I’m about to make a decision, whether it is buying a car, dating someone, ordering take-out of FOR GOD’S SAKE spilling water on the freaking table. CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. So unbearably controlling.

    It’s okay that you feel anger, it can be healing. You said in previous threads that your father used to yell at you if you’d accidentally drop food on the floor, or such little things. It’s almost like he needed every excuse so he can vent his anger. He was full of anger, but it wasn’t your fault, it was his personality. He might have been angry at his controlling mother, who knows, but he was never allowed to express it to her, and he never saw the need to deal with it in therapy, so he vented whenever possible. It’s easiest to vent at children because they’re weak and subordinate. My mother used to yell at me too, for tiniest things. It’s how they manage stress. But it’s terribly damaging for the child…

    Also, the need for control. My mother used to control me too, I think because of 2 things: 1) she feared for me – she was/is a person based on fear, and 2) she didn’t trust that I can take care of myself, or that I can make good decisions for myself. She brought me up with lots of criticism and condemnation, lots of scolding, yelling, telling me how wrong I was in this or that way. If you’re constantly told you aren’t good enough and there’s something wrong with you, then the child stops believing in oneself and its inner voice. The internal compass gets messed up… and eventually, we really might start making foolish decisions and act in weird ways, but it’s the result of our upbringing, not because there’s something inherently wrong with us – as our parents would want us to believe.

    Your father’s anger and the need for control are the result of his own unresolved issues, and also of lack of basic understanding that the child isn’t his ownership, his “project” that he can mold into an obedient soldier, or a doll, as you said. The child has its own unique personality, its own desires, its own temperament. It needs to be treated as an individual, not as the parent’s ownership.

    My mother treated me like her ownership, and I believe your father did that with you too. There was no place for your unique individuality, for your desires, for your goals and dreams – you need to fulfill what he wants and thinks is best for you. That’s the epitome of an authoritative parent. If you don’t obey him, he believes you don’t love him.

    So the above would roughly be the answer to your question of why he has to control you, patronize you, worry about your potential failures, and tell you “I told you so”. He probably won’t change, at least not spontaneously, but the good thing is that you can change, in a way that you aren’t susceptible any more to his fears and attempts to control you, but can be your own person and choose your own life and destiny. It’s not easy to do, but it’s possible, step by step, to reclaim the real, authentic you <3

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.
Viewing 15 posts - 1,786 through 1,800 (of 1,950 total)