Dear Peace,

it’s so good to hear from you! And so good that you decided to focus on your studies and leave your boyfriend. He unfortunately was one of those people who was good at telling you nice words, things you like to hear and that you crave for, but his actions actually showed his true character. Now it would be the best if you’d stay away from men for a while, and focus on your studies and on yourself, your own healing.

You’ve already made the first step, and that’s the awareness of the problem: you’re aware why you’re attracted to men who flatter you and show interest in you – and that’s because you were emotionally neglected as a child. You felt all alone, abandoned, very insecure and fragile. You say you’d start crying when someone would simply ask you a question – so big was your sense of insecurity and perhaps inadequacy that you won’t know the answer…

Anyway, until now you’ve been repeating those old patterns regarding men, but now you have the awareness why this was happening and that it was because of your core emotional needs weren’t met. There’s a book on emotional neglect, called “Running on Empty: Overcome your Childhood Emotional Neglect“, written by Jonice Webb. It talks about how emotional neglect happens, as well as how to heal it, i.e. how to practice self-care, self-soothing, how to pay attention to your emotions, how to trust your emotions etc. I believe it’s a very useful book, so you might give it a try, regardless of whether you find a counselor or not.

The primary goal of your healing would be to meet those unmet emotional needs, either by yourself (with the help of the above book, for example), or by working with a counselor. What might also help is to buy yourself a doll, that represents you as a child, and talk to her every day, telling her you love her, brushing her hair, holding her. It might seem silly, but this is exactly what you might have been missing while growing up – that someone takes care of you, spends time with you, pays attention to your feelings. To compensate for that, you now become the good parent and care-taker for your inner child.

Also, try to take up a hobby, something that you like and enjoy doing, so that the positive, creative, playful part of your inner child comes to the fore as well. The goal is to have fun, to enjoy like a playful, innocent child. Having a hobby will also help you to relax after your studies, so it’s a win-win goal 🙂

Oh, and perhaps you can start a journal, where you’re writing everything and anything that comes to your mind, all your thoughts, feelings, hopes, desires… I believe it would be very useful in processing your emotions and even for self-soothing…

Dear Ishita,

I don’t think it should be a problem that you accidentally reported your post. By the way, edits can be done within the first 5 minutes or so of posting, later it’s not possible any more.

So , could you please tell me how Rebounds are supposed to be like,

I personally haven’t been in a rebound relationship, but now I’ve looked it up, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be immediately after the breakup, but it’s the first relationship that follows a “Very Serious Relationship”. Since your friend was pretty serious with his ex, I imagine the relationship with you could count as a rebound for him. You also said he was hurt a lot by the break-up, which would make him a candidate for getting involved in a rebound relationship. Here is a relevant quote:

“People are much more likely to have rebound relationships if they were the one who was dumped. That’s because getting dumped can be highly distressing and a serious hit to your self-esteem, which is going to prompt more coping behaviors, like rebound sex and relationships.”

In both of your posts you mentioned something interesting – that you didn’t want him to think that you’re a mess:

“I was making attempts of letting my guard down around him, because otherwise I used to feel an insecurity , that maybe he is so perfect he would never understand why I am a mess.”

“Our conversations had mostly become about him, because I had again begun to feel this insecurity, that what if he feels I am a mess.”

You also appear to have admired him – but I’d say glorified him somewhat before you got to know him better:

I have always admired him, and maybe did secretly like him too,

an overachiever yet humble

maybe he is so perfect he would never understand why I am a mess

It appears to me that you glorified him, thought he was so high above you, and that he was inaccessible since he has a girlfriend, plus he’s an overachiever so he’s primarily interested in his studies. But when he did show increased interest in you, I guess you were smitten and perhaps felt like your unattainable dream may be coming true after all? You didn’t even talk much about yourself, but it was mostly about him. You put him in the center of your attention, showered him with admiration (I assume) and made him your No1 priority, even to to point of neglecting your studies.

All this attention felt very good to him, specially since he had been was recently broken up with, which I guess was a blow to his ego. So he was definitely enjoying your company, your attention and admiration. When you were a little more reserved, he’d immediately start showing more interest in you, so that he can keep you hooked on him (“i noticed how he used to act the former only when I showed as if I wasn’t very into him, which is kind of narcissistic behavior”). Perhaps he wasn’t doing it consciously, but he was nevertheless doing it.

BTW when you say he was “overly protective” of you, what exactly do you mean?

All this shows me that he was flattered by your attention, and even misled you so that he can get your attention, but he probably didn’t have serious intentions with you.

It breaks me a bit inside, thinking , that he would have probably gotten involved with any girl then, he could have got his hands on.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that “any girl” would do for him, but in a way, any girl looking up to him and admiring him like you did, probably would have done, yes. It doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, I repeat, just that he’s not that great guy that you put on a pedestal and admired. He might even be someone with narcissistic tendencies, as you’ve noticed. This showed his true colors, and you’re right to consider whether you even want to remain friends with him or not.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear Michelle,

I too wish you well. It’s good that you’re creating some boundaries, certain “deal breakers”, and aren’t tolerating some of his old behaviors any more. If he makes you happy on a day-to-day basis, and you can let go of thinking about the future for a while, then the relationship could function, I guess, without you suffering in it.

I will make less plans unless he asks to do something. I want to see how he feels when he isn’t simply submitting to me because I’m around, but when he decides “hey where is she, what is she doing?”

Good that you intend to let him take the initiative and show interest in you, and doing things together, rather than you always initiating it and hovering above him. I don’t know how your current dynamic looks like, but it wouldn’t be good if he does things just because he feels he has to please you (almost like “please mommy”). I’ve been in one such unequal relationship, and there was a parent-child dynamic, not two grown-ups interacting. I don’t know how much this is true for your relationship, but it’s good that you intend to change it and allow him more autonomy and self-expression.

It will have to be something inside of him that changes

Yes, true change can only come from within. He may be stretching his limits and changing his behavior to accommodate for your needs, but eventually, he will have to figure out what it is that he really wants, independent of you or anyone else’s influence.

Dear Ilyana,

welcome! First, your therapist is right when she told you that getting in touch with your body can help you in dealing with your psychological problems. As far cognitive difficulties you’ve mentioned, I believe smoking weed could be a contributing factor because it causes mental fog, as far as I know. It probably helps you feel better for a while, but if you consider the possible negative consequences on your mental abilities, I believe it’s worth considering to abandon it.

I am sorry to hear about your depression. As someone suffering from bipolar disorder, you’re probably more prone to depression, and then it just got intensified after you gave birth, because it was such a traumatic experience. And if you don’t feel emotional support from your husband, as you wrote in your other thread, it would make it even harder to cope with your feelings alone. It’s good you entered therapy – that should help you a lot!

It’s also great that you see the need to start loving and respecting yourself more. That’s the first step on your healing journey – the awareness of the problem. It might feel like a huge mountain at the moment, but what’s important is to make the first step. You’ve already made some initial steps, so just keep going.

What I think is also important to stress is that by using substances you’re trying to numb your pain. In order to reduce substance use, you’d need to find healthier ways to express your emotions and feel and process your pain. Therapy is ideal for that, so you’re on the right path. I also hope that Tiny Buddha website and this forum can provide some support on your journey.

Dear soma,

the overwhelming urge to sleep is usually a way to disassociate from the problem. It’s a way to escape when we believe we can’t deal with life challenges. From what you’ve written, it seems you’re in a difficult situation, which requires you to make important decisions, however you don’t know what to do, and you don’t feel that help is available either. That would warrant your wanting to hide and escape – into sleep. Would you be willing to tell us a bit more about your situation and what’s the biggest challenge you’re facing?

Dear Michelle,

you mentioned that your wound might be rather related to your mother than to your father. In one of your older posts you said this about your mother:

“I just don’t know if I have a pattern of seeking emotionally unavailable people because maybe I too, am emotionally unavailable people. My mother was anxious avoidant in childhood and this was due to her upbringing. She sought out love from her children to fill her voids.”

I’ve checked the characteristics of the anxious-avoidant pattern, and am copy-pasting them here:

“Anxious-avoidant attachment types (also known as the “fearful or disorganized type”) bring together the worst of both worlds. Anxious-avoidants are not only afraid of intimacy and commitment, but they distrust and lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them. Anxious-avoidants often spend much of their time alone and miserable, or in abusive or dysfunctional relationships.

Anxious-avoidants are low in confidence and less likely to express emotions, preferring to suppress them. However, they can have intense emotional outbursts when under stress. They also don’t tend to seek help when in need due to a distrust of others. This sucks because they are also incapable of sorting through their own issues.

Anxious-avoidants really get the worst of both worlds. They avoid intimacy not because they prefer to be alone like avoidants. Rather, they avoid intimacy because they are so terrified of its potential to hurt them.”

It seems your boyfriend fits this description pretty well. This sentence: “They also don’t tend to seek help when in need due to a distrust of others.” – would explain why he doesn’t want to go to therapy.

If your mother was similar, it could very well be that you’re seeking to get love from her, through your boyfriend…

What do you think?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear Michelle,

He seems to want to let me end things more for me than him. He seems to know that he won’t be better off. It’s like he’s trying to do what’s fair. I asked if he felt he would feel relief and he said no.

Yes, because he knows he’ll be missing your very careful and considerate love and attention, which didn’t cause him anxiety. But your full expression of love, including saying “I love you” to each other and planning for the future – he cannot manage. And I believe you do want to be able to fully express your love and fully live it, without walking on eggshells. He knows his limits, and at this point doesn’t seem interested to stretch them. Or rather, he did stretch them up to a point – you said he can now bear to see you crying, he doesn’t run out of the room if you have an argument, or suchlike. But his biggest fear – of living with you – he cannot overcome. It’s another level for him, for which he isn’t ready. I believe you shouldn’t wait till he’s ready, if he isn’t willing to go to therapy.

In my case I may be allowing my intuition to lead me into a relationship that is uncertain as for the moment it eases a larger anxiety, a fear of being without him.

Yes, and because fear is behind it, it might not even be your intuition. It’s the fear of losing him.

In your earlier posts you expressed that you believe you’re soul mates, that being with him is different, that you feel compelled to stay with him and keep trying, in spite of all the difficulties. Actually this can happen when our soul (and our inner child) recognizes the opportunity to heal a childhood wound. You once said you’ve been attracted to men who remind you of your father (“My dad was very loving with me but passed in my early 20s. He was also a highly depressed/OCD sufferer. And I have sought out men like him for some time…”)

So you’re aware of that inclination of yours. We get attracted to people who remind us of our parents, so we can finally get the love we haven’t received in childhood. If your father wasn’t emotionally available to you, there’s a very high chance that you’ll seek out similar men and try to make them love you and be emotionally responsive to you. Perhaps this man reminds you the most of your father. And perhaps that’s why the longing and the willingness to make the relationship work is stronger than in your previous relationships. And also, why you now don’t feel excited about dating other men…

I wonder if I should try again for the sake of my sanity and he says he thinks I will find someone better than him,

I think the most important at this point would be that you work on that childhood wound, before seeking another relationship. And it appears to me that the time is ripe now for you to take a look at that wound.

Dear Michelle,

I don’t know, it would be very hard to end things right now. Things are good and I am happy with him, I just see a future with him and want to at least sketch a plan for that. He seems receptive to possibilities so we will see.

Yes, there’s no reason why you would end the relationship now, since things are good and you’re happy, and he’s not rejecting the possibility of living together in the future. Also, you say you’re not too eager to have children, I mean it’s not your priority to settle down and become a mother, although you see it as a possibility in the future. So from this perspective too you don’t feel pressure to go down that road right now. You have time to wait and explore this relationship further.

You say he had a bad experience with his former room mate – what exactly was the problem? If I remember well, you earlier said he was critical of your eating habits, and that you’re not orderly enough. A part of the reason why he doesn’t want to move in together might be his OCD, because you would disturb his sense of order, and order calms him down. I guess that’s one of the things he’d need to work on before moving in with you.

Sharing a life with someone is not easy, so he’d need to become much more relaxed and less guarded of his sense of peace. If he’s suffering from OCD, it’s a very fragile sense of peace, and he doesn’t want it to be disturbed by any means, no matter how much he might care for you. As I am writing this, this is what’s coming to me as perhaps the greatest practical problem and limitation for your relationship: that he needs a particular structure and order to self-regulate, and he’s afraid that you living with him might disturb that balance.

I think he’s quite afraid to have any sort of unhappiness within a relationship. He seems to rely on it to maintain a bit of equilibrium, so it’s as if he’s trying to create a situation that will instil maximum contentment and peace.

I am afraid that his “unhappiness” might be caused by very small things, like your eating habits, or you e.g. not cleaning the flat the way he’d want to. On top of that come the inevitable disagreements and tension in a relationship, which are completely normal, but for a person with a very fragile emotional balance, it may throw him over the top.

I am sorry I am mentioning this, actually when I started replying, this aspect didn’t even occur to me, but as I was writing, I started feeling it might be a pretty big obstacle. Have you thought about it and how you’d deal with it?