Dear Paradoxy,

I think you’ve got every right to be upset with your girlfriend’s behavior, because this is the gist of it (in your own words):

EVERY TIME WE BROKE UP, SHE WENT TO GO ENTERTAIN ANOTHER MAN.

Indeed, she wasn’t able to be without a man for even a short while, but immediately sought the company of her ex-boyfriend, for example.

Not only that, but she also took him in as her roommate and never told you about it. This was happening while the two of you were dating. It is definitely not okay and not fair to you to have her ex-boyfriend as roommate, even if they didn’t have any sexual encounters (which they did, as soon as you two broke up). Moreover, the guy was still interested in her and jealous of you (The guy was jealous that she was able to move on).

So this whole arrangement was unfair to you, it was inappropriate, and she lied about it. When later confronted about it, she gaslighted you that it wasn’t necessary for you to know (Her excuse was that it was unnecessary for me to know).

Another example is when a classmate of yours was making advances towards her, and she refused to tell him that the two of you were dating:

I told her to let him know that we were dating but she said it was unnecessary.

And then as soon as you two broke up (during one of your many breakups), she started sexting with him.

It appears to me that she cannot stay away from men’s advances and men’s attention. This could be a result of her being sexually abused and used for prostitution since her youth. In other words, it could be the result of trauma.

For example, if it was expected from her to have sex with men and if she received love from her aunt (her primary caregiver) only if she obeyed, it is possible that she only feels worthy if she is sexually available to men. Being with men maybe also gives her a sense of security. I don’t want to speculate, but the type of behavior she exhibits could easily be the result of trauma.

However, it doesn’t mean you need to tolerate it, because it certainly isn’t appropriate, it’s very hurtful towards you, and it cannot be a basis for a healthy relationship.

So when you say:

I should not have to be forced to put up with this kind of behavior from a woman who knows better

You indeed shouldn’t force yourself (nor be forced by her) to put up with her behavior. As for her knowing better, that’s questionable, because even if she rationally knows better, she can’t do better – because she is still playing out her trauma. Nevertheless, that’s not an excuse to stay with her, because her behavior is clearly abusive.

I would like to address what you said about her positive qualities, which as you said, make you hesitant and doubting whether you should give her another chance.

I cannot be blind to all the good things about her. The way she took care of me was on par with my own mother. Cooking for me, getting me facial hygiene products, taking care of my hair, giving me massages and etc.

always taking care of me, cooking meals for me, ensuring I was always healthy, and etc. I felt as if she was loving me like how a proper wife should and I very much appreciated it because women do not always do that level of caring for their partner.

This sounds like she was taking good care of your physical needs (cooking for you, making sure you eat healthy, giving you massages etc). She seems to have given you a lot of physical nurturance.

However, she wasn’t treating you well emotionally. She was hurting you, hiding her encounters with other men and telling you it’s okay that you don’t know about it. Basically gaslighting you.

She is the first person to have ever loved me. Not even my own parents cared for me the way she did. I’ve never been able to make any proper friends. She was the only person who treated me like I meant something,

She did care for your physical needs, and she always wants to get back together after you break up. In that sense, she is interested in you, she doesn’t want to lose you. You clearly are an important person in her life.

But the problem is that she is interested in other men too. You said she even developed feelings for the married guy who was paying her for sex. This could be a sign of trauma and as you said, of Stockholm syndrome even. But in practice, what it means is that right now, she isn’t able to be faithful. She isn’t able to reject other men’s advances. And that’s why she is inevitably going to cause you pain.

You said many times that her behavior is “stupid”. Well, every addiction is stupid. Every self-destructive behavior that stems from trauma – is stupid. I think that her behavior with men is akin to addiction – it is self-destructive, but it seems that at the moment she cannot control it.

If she wants healing, she would need to accept that she has a problem and then spend some time in therapy. But if she is blaming you for her behavior and telling you it’s not a big deal that she has secret liaisons with other men, and shutting you down when you want to talk about it (blaming me for her behavior and shutting me down every time I asked her listen to me) – then she is far from accepting that she needs therapy. She is fooling both you and herself.

She promised to help me heal but I do not think so.

She should focus on her own healing. She should admit she has a problem and seek therapy (I don’t know how open she is to therapy?). And you should step away from the relationship and stop exposing yourself to further abuse.

I wish you healing and hope to talk to you some more…

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels,

you are welcome!

I feel when i write this stuff down i need a couple of days to come back and deal with it. Its like this endless flow of emotional stuff that doesnt seem to end.

Sure, take your time. I understand it’s not easy to write it all down and feel the weight of it… so please, take it easy.

I think the bit about C-PTSD is very interesting, the concept that you don´t feel safe or feeling like you need to be a “warrior” to the outside world is pretty familiar.

I am glad it resonates with you. Learning about C-PTSD helped me too to understand myself better and how the sense of safety is key. And with childhood trauma, we don’t have that sense of safety (either physical or emotional or both). We feel constantly in danger, and then as a reaction, we either fight or flee.

Even trying to identify my mom as a source of this issue is still hard for me. She said only yesterday that i should try EMDR therapy and had my therapist suggested it? my therapist has really only suggested i join groups, classes and get out more.

I understand it’s hard for you. But actually, her trying to be “helpful” when you are down isn’t anything new, right? You said that when you complain, she always gives you advice, but also tends to dismiss the severity of your problem, or starts talking about some minor stuff of her own. As far as I understood, she is good at giving advice without empathy.

And then when you are doing fine, she “goes a bit quiet, pulls away and doesnt look happy.”

So the dynamic seems to be like this: as long as you are down, miserable and unhappy, she seems helpful. But as soon as you are up, “on top of things” and proud of your achievements, she is unhappy.

This is how I would explain it: when you are unhappy and miserable, she is not endangered by you because she gets to stay on top. But when you are successful, she does feel endangered, and she doesn’t like it. That’s when she punishes you by withdrawing her love and support.

I think the problem is that i cant complain, cant argue with friends for fear of losing them..but will anyway. If you cant be honest with each other then where is the reality.

But others..they dont stick around. Maybe they are too busy themselves or maybe its because nothing ever seems to get better for me and its painful to watch? i notice that sometimes i have to fill silence with talk because they are not saying anything, or worse, looking over my shoulder…so i have to conclude that im not much fun to be around.

I think you might be right that when you complain a lot, it may become too much of a burden for your friends. I assume they (at least some of them) want the best for you, they would like you to be happy. But they don’t know how to help, and so they distance themselves a bit. Would you say that’s true?

i feel a lot of shame for not having a career. Shame! another factor that i dont really need right now.

Yes, shame is another component of C-PTSD. No wonder you feel shame, if you have been compared to others a lot.  You were in a difficult situation, because on one hand, your mother was jealous of you and didn’t like you to achieve. But it was never openly expressed – it was covert. What she did express openly was comparing you to others and making you feel worse than them. But if you were better than them (or equally good as them), she wouldn’t be happy… so it seems to me like “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation.

Problem is, i know im stronger… maybe IM the covert narc or able to emulate one.

No, dear World (I’d much prefer to call you World, if that’s okay with you? Because you are much bigger and expansive than what you believe!), you are not a covert narcissist.  If you were, you wouldn’t have shame about yourself and you wouldn’t think of yourself as a dork who messes up everything.

So please, don’t think of yourself as a narcissist.  You only want your power back – power that you had to relinquish to please your mother…

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels,

I am glad to hear more about your story. I am really sorry you are suffering so much and I totally understand it is very hard, with you being very sensitive to any setback and feeling like you are only getting bad luck all the time. You’ve mentioned that you might be suffering from PTSD, as a result of bullying (online and at your workplace):

I feel im going crazy sometimes by the way im so sensitive and reactive to things. I know it could be any combination of things, including depression, anxiety, PTSD from being hacked and persecuted online, bullied by my workplace and overhauling my problems with family or lack thereof.

I believe that you do indeed suffer from PTSD, but in fact Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), which is another name for childhood trauma. Almost every adult who has been emotionally abused or neglected as a child, and hasn’t healed, suffers from C-PTSD, and I am one of them too.

You once mentioned you feel chemically different than other people, and in a way, that’s true. People with C-PTSD have a dysregulated nervous system. They feel constantly on edge, in the fight-or-flight mode. They feel in danger, needing to defend themselves (fight) or run away (flight) all the time. They also feel hypervigilant and sensitive to any negative outer signal. You said that about yourself too:

My sensitivity is therefore, really high right now. i just dont want to lose any more, experience any more negativity.

I cant cope with any bad news. To escape it i go out and buy little things that add up to a lot, drink too much.

I can’t handle any small problem. My mind races with negative thoughts, i get exhausted..i get nothing done. I feel more angry with myself.

i walk around with fear, worrying about anything done wrong and its a catastrophe in my head.

i feel like ive been beaten up mentally.

All these are signs of C-PTSD. The good news is that there is cure for it. A big part of it is learning to find a sense of safety in your own body, and thus calming down your nervous system, so that it’s not on high alert all the time. We can talk about it more and I can give you some resources, if you’re interested.

But I’d like to explain why I think you got C-PTSD in the first place. I think it’s related to your mother and her being a covert narcissist, and the effects it had on you. Here is what you said about your childhood:

When i was a kid i remember i was the one helping everyone else process their emotions, trying to empathize with others was my thing. My friends were all oddbeat and sensitive in one way or another and i loved that. I never felt popular and i never felt on top of things. And i felt guilty if i ever had more, if someone was left out.

There were times when i dumbed myself down, wore baggier clothes, i didnt speak up.

In my experiences…when i really did well, there was always someone in the crowd visibly unhappy and it would bother me.

I was a good child, did as i was told, my sister more rebellious so i guess i felt the need to be responsible. … But i had nothing to push against something i guess that leaves you wondering if you re doing the right thing..if no one says anything. I didnt get disapproval but the comparison to others was definitely present.

You didn’t get disapproval, but you didn’t get approval and encouragement either. Your mother would go silent if you achieved something good, right? You said “when i have achieved something great..she goes a bit quiet, pulls away and doesnt look happy.”

You also said: when i really did well, there was always someone in the crowd visibly unhappy and it would bother me”

I can imagine that it was actually your mother who was unhappy when you did well. Because she would get distant and silent and looked unhappy, wouldn’t she?

You said she was very good at victimizing herself too, making other people feel sorry for her. So I can imagine how you didn’t want to “brag” about any of your achievements, because that would make her sad and distant, and possibly go into a self-pitying mode. And it would make you feel guilty.

That’s why it was better for you to dumb yourself down, wear baggy clothes, not really talk about your successes. Because there was always someone (your mother) waiting to take away your joy and make you feel guilty about being successful.

When you say you could never “get on top of things”, it seems to me that you could never claim your victory and be proud of your successes – because she would always take it away from you. She did it with her hidden (covert) jealousy and her self-pitying. This is what covert narcissists do to their children. I wonder if this is what your mother did too?

If so, I can see how you were not allowed to be successful, you felt guilty for it. And of course, you felt angry about it too, rightfully so. Because you had to suppress yourself and your achievements. And you still feel that same anger, and want to prove yourself, because you were never allowed to prove yourself as a child.

How does this sound to you?

Hey SereneWolf,

Yes only one but even with him there was different kind of communication mostly we would just play with each other and just talk about crazy ideas and we were both brilliant students.

Did you feel some competition with him? Did your father compare you to him? Because I was thinking that perhaps one of the reasons you didn’t have many friends is that your father stressed competition, he was always comparing you to other kids, and perhaps that’s why you didn’t like them or you felt resentment towards them?

I thought about it and I think it’s that feeling like unconditional love doesn’t exist so they must be need me for something that’s why they’re being nice.etc

Right, because the love you’ve experienced from your father was very conditional. He only showed you love when you were the best in class – everything else was not good enough. Whenever you made a mistake (like when handing him the wrong tool), he didn’t show you love. So… his love was very conditional.

I’d say your mom’s love was limited, same as my father’s, because they didn’t protect us. They gaslighted us and minimized the problem. That too wasn’t a strong, unquestionable love, the kind of love you can really trust.

Because if I understood well, your mom showed you love and tenderness when you could forgive your father and be “mature” about it, but she was sad and worried when you couldn’t, right? In a way, she was sending you the message that you are only acceptable if you forgive and endure your father’s abuse… (I am not claiming this, please correct me if I am wrong).

I guess I did hear things like that in my teenage like “people are just there for their means”

Did your parents use to say that?

At friendship level I do trust lately I found that it’s really easy for me to make friends. I made two friends and much younger than me and both are quite understanding and mature and I’m trying to be more vulnerable with them since they don’t shy away to be vulnerable with me.

Good to hear you can now make friends more easily. This means some of your fears are melting away… for example, the fear of showing vulnerability is melting away, which is great!

But when it comes to romantic relationships that’s where trust is no more

Yeah, in a romantic relationship stakes are higher. One bares their soul completely, and that’s pretty vulnerable. Also, the attachment is stronger than with friends. If we get attached, and the person leaves us or betrays us, it hurts more.

The things is that attachment and vulnerability (as the key components of a romantic relationship) are the same key components of our childhood relationship with our parents. If we have attachment wounds from that period, those will get triggered in our adult romantic relationships.

For example, if we felt conditionally loved, we may believe that our partner will only love us if we earn enough money. Or they will only love us if we are perfect, if we never show any weakness.

Yes you put it in the right words. We did take it like a “project”.

Kind of yes because I noticed that I always loved hard. I haven’t been taught to love in a soft way.

Does loving hard mean to work hard on the relationship? To have a relationship which feels like a project?

Maybe loving hard also means that you need to work hard to be lovable? That you need to be successful, so she would love you (she can always find a rich husband but a for a guy, he got to be something good)?

Hey SereneWolf,

Haha you know me well that’s actually what I did!

Fantastic! I like that you did celebrate it and felt good about it (and about yourself), at least for a short while before starting planning and worrying about the next steps 🙂

Yes I’m trying but my mind is already planning like look now try to do this first, fix that thing and after that do another. like I have to manage my finances, travel planning and also learning new things about sustainability. and just generally my mind is being very doubtful about if I’ll be able to do those things.

This sounds like the push-push-push drive in you, expecting faster and better from yourself, and then being doubtful that you’ll be able to do it. It’s like the strict/demanding parent sets high expectations and then you – the victim, i.e. the inner child – start feeling bad about yourself for not being able to accomplish those. For not being good enough. To me, it sounds a little bit like the dynamic you had with your father, doesn’t it?

I mean, it’s okay to plan and think about what needs to be done next, but if you approach it with this pressure and already feeling like a failure (my mind is being very doubtful about if I’ll be able to do those things), you are in the “I am not good enough” mindset. “I am a failure” mindset. And the inner critic has stolen your success!

Because although you’ve scored big time (you’ve just landed your dream job!), the inner critic is telling you you’re going to fail, even if this is now a success. The inner critic is taking away your success…

There is a saying in the Bible “Let no man take your crown”. Your inner critic is trying to take away your crown: your victory, your success, your achievements…. Please be aware of that, be aware of this tendency to minimize your successes and achievements, and to criticize yourself for not achieving even more.

I’ll reply about relationships in a separate post…

Dear Dafne,

thank you so much for your kind kind words. They touched me a lot! <3 (I’d put a heart emoji here, but don’t know how too…)

I think it’s a wonderful idea to volunteer for a dog shelter! Those dogs need a kind and loving spirit like you <3

One lady at a shelter told that most dogs suffered a lot in their childhood and still after many year are very fearful, needy for love but distant at the same time. They don’t trust easily. The amazing thing is that we have so much in common with them but do not even realise it.

Yeah, I can imagine a lot of dogs in a shelter didn’t have happy lives, or maybe they have, but once their owner passed away, the ended up alone and abandoned. It’s a labor of love to go there and care for them, even though it’s far from where you live.

I always thought that animal lovers are good people and there is no way that they can’t share their love with others. Or if a man loves his kids from previous marriage, he will also love and take care of the new women in his life. It is not true. And the irony is that my father has dogs and knows how to take care of them but doesn’t know how to love his own daughter.

Yes, I’ve heard of examples of quite selfish people who on the contrary are very soft and loving with their dogs. The dog is pampered and even spoiled, while the person’s own children don’t get even near as much love and attention.

I once saw a video by Dr Ramani, an expert on narcissism, explaining why it is that narcissists can be nice to their pets, even as they are mean to people (it’s on youtube, the title is: Can narcissists be nice to their pets?). She is saying that dogs are very loyal creatures, who don’t need much care and attention to be happy and devoted. So it’s a good “investment” for a narcissist – to get adoration and devotion (which they crave for), with a relatively low effort.

I never asked him for anything all my live (maybe only for a doll house when I was a little girl that he promised to buy but never did). And recently I asked for sending me some of his documents, which he never delivered to me as apparently he lost them or has no time as always. Now I can’t move on in life because the offices need the papers from father and won’t help me.

I am so sorry your father is so mean, Dafne. He is not only super selfish and heartless, but seems he is also vindictive, because he doesn’t want to give you important documents, I guess because you told him some things he didn’t like to hear. Narcissists are like that – they like to hold a grudge and be petty, just because you are not “adoring” him the way he would want to be adored.

He already told me that he won’t come to the wedding if I ever get married (reasons: probably the man I marry will want his house or some land etc. or that he doesn’t like to travel & dress up for an old daughter). I had a chance to get married young so now it would be embarrassing for him to come

Anyways, he thinks that it is too late to find someone to marry me now…

More hurtful, cruel remarks coming from his mouth… He is belittling you, insulting you, telling you you are too old to get married. And that you don’t deserve his time and effort (he doesn’t like to travel & dress up for an old daughter). And that you are an embarrassment to him (it would be embarrassing for him to come).

This is sooooo hurtful, so cruel and so mean, Dafne. This man has a heart of stone. He probably enjoys to hurt you and see you suffer 🙁

I think I’m not going to ask him for anything anymore but at the same time keeping in touch is more hurtful than not.

It’s just too painful for me to even think about talking to him.

Please don’t keep in touch with him any more. Every time you talk to him it’s like getting a dagger in your heart. Or drinking poison. He is emotionally abusing you. Please stay away from his abuse and his toxicity. You can’t get anything good from him, the only thing you can get from him is more abuse and more toxicity. Please protect yourself from that.

What if my future husband asks about the father? And what if he wants to see him before marrying me? I know that my father won’t invite any man to his house.

I think you need to first process and grieve the fact that this man, even though he is your biological father, doesn’t behave like a father. He doesn’t love you and he likes to inflict pain upon you. He is a very cruel man. He is the kind of man you don’t want to deal with at all.

And you don’t want to invite him to your wedding either. Because he couldn’t be happy for you. A parent should be happy when their child gets married, but your father already found the reasons not to come to your wedding! And he insulted you in the process.

Shall I tell him about my childhood? How shall I tell him without scaring him away? Will he label me as a woman with daddy issues?

Well, you have been emotionally injured by this man. Your “daddy issues” are legitimate, after everything you’ve been through with him. He first abandoned and neglected you when you were a child, and now, when he is back in your life, he is cruel and vindictive. You never got anything good and positive from him. You need to heal from the pain he inflicted upon you.

As part of your healing, you’d need to stop believing his words (e.g. that you are too old, that no one will want you, that you are an embarrassment.) You need to stop believing EVERYTHING that comes from his mouth. Because it is poison, it is simply not true.

No wonder it is painful for you to even think to talk to him again…. So, don’t talk to him, and reject (in your mind) everything cruel and demeaning that he said about you.

Shall I tell him about my childhood? How shall I tell him without scaring him away? Will he label me as a woman with daddy issues?

If you come to a point of seriously dating someone, and talking about deeper issues (including each other’s past), and you feel you can trust this man, then you can share about your childhood and explain why you have distanced yourself from your father. I mean, that would be the best: to distance yourself from your father and to heal enough to not feel bad and broken about it.

In that scenario, you would be able to talk more calmly about your father, without putting a pressure on your partner to be a surrogate father for you. As I mentioned in my last post: you would be able to have healthy needs and healthy boundaries.

But the first thing you’d need to do is set a boundary with your father. And I think the best boundary in this case is no contact. Because everything else leads to pain. It’s too hurtful, and it would be hurtful for anybody. So it’s not that you are too sensitive, but your father is a cruel man. So my suggestion is to go no contact with him.

Tee, I will take all your advice to my hear and continue my healing day by day. And if someone asks for a date, I will explain that for the moment I’m looking only for a friendship that at some point may lead to more but not now. Is that what you would say Tee?

Yes, I think it’s a good approach. Because right now, you are too vulnerable for a relationship. You’d need to learn to love yourself some more before letting someone else love you. And you need to learn how to protect yourself from abuse (primarily your father’s abuse) and set a boundary there.

You also need to reject your father’s false, negative view of you, and adopt a healthy, positive self-image. Only then will you be ready to attract a partner who will respect you and see you in a positive light.

So I’d say take it slow with dating, and focus on healing, on learning to love yourself more and more every day…

Big hug and best wishes to you too! <3

Hey Beni,

Yeah, I want to follow my inner voice. Everything else is overhead, it feels kinda painful.

I understand. Would you like to say a bit more about this pain? (only if you want to share)

I wonder what you mean by that or how you experience inner power.

For me, inner power is the ability to achieve what I want, to reach my goals (mostly career related), and to keep working towards it, in spite of obstacles. I get discouraged very easily and don’t have that persistence and commitment to see it through.

But inner power can include many other things, like standing up for yourself (which you mentioned), assertiveness, setting boundaries etc. But for me, it’s mostly the desire to achieve more and have a sense of accomplishment with regard to my career.