Hi Adam,

I think I got this idea from a friend. He supported me through these break ups and he had issues in the past with his now fiancé and he told me its hard work and no relationship is perfect.

Yes, that’s true. But there should be one basic precondition, which is that you accept your partner as they are (and vice versa). If you want your partner to change in significant ways, that’s never healthy. Your ex is someone who needs to do a lot of healing. She is not ready for a healthy relationship. You wanted to help her change and heal. That’s never a good starting point.

And if you are attracted to girls who are “damaged goods”, i.e. need to do some major healing in order to become functional, that’s almost a recipe for disaster. Because you’ll inevitably end up in this dynamic of wanting to change them, and they not wanting it, or wanting it but differently, and feeling not accepted by you.

And then all this friction starts building, as well as resentment towards each other. And you lose yourself in it, because you want to keep the girl by all means, no matter how dysfunctional she is, and you end up being bullied and suffering.

So you’re setting yourself up for failure if you’re attracted to dysfunctional girls. It’s almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can’t end well.

It’s funny you mention I made a vow because that’s genuinely what I did. After each break up I would say to myself something along the line of ‘if this girl takes me back then she’s the one, I have to do everything right’. I said that with my ex before this as well. I know I wasn’t the actual cause of this break up but I think I was a bit of the cause in previous relationships and I think thats where this vow developed as well.

Right, you didn’t give your best in your previous relationships, and when you tried to mend things later, if was already too late. And so you vowed to give your best in this one, to not mess it up.

You’re right at the end of the day regardless of what she was going through I was abused. A professional psychiatrist told me ‘this is clearly abuse and your relationship was a cycle of abuse’. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

Yeah, it sounds pretty bad. If abuse is too strong of a word, you can think of it as mistreatment. She treated you badly. But the fact is that a lot of her behavior was emotionally abusive. Even if she wasn’t doing it on purpose, that was the net effect on you.

After break ups I modified a lot of different things. I changed smoking, tried to be at her place more, do what she was wanting to do, tried being proactive with dates etc. but in the end she didnt modify anything. The only thing that changed for her was she left work, started changing medications and started studying at the very end. None of these benefit her mental health for a start.

Why did she leave work btw? Is it because she decided to get off her medication, and she feared she wouldn’t be able to work in such a fragile state?

The cycle of abuse as exactly what our relationship was but I don’t want to believe it. We would be so amazing for a couple months then something would happen and shed leave then we would reconcile. However towards the end it felt like nearly every week she was bringing something new or old up as a way to criticize me for not being present and being there for her.

Well, she was emotionally abusive because of her mental health issues. She was blaming you for everything and not taking responsibility for her actions. Or even if she apologized sometimes, that was short-lived and she continued with her complaints.

So I do suffer from low self-esteem? Because that’s exactly what happens, I start second guessing myself and that’s not what I should be doing in a relationship. I feel like she was making me question my sanity at times by the things she said. I will never forget when she said ‘what is actually wrong with you’.

Yes, I think you suffer from low self-esteem. The typical thought (which is often subconscious) of people with low self-esteem is “there is something terribly wrong with me”. That’s the main false belief of people with low self-esteem. When she told you “what’s wrong with you??”, it’s like she confirmed this false belief that you have about yourself. And it probably hurt like hell.

I straight away apologized and said I’m sorry I should open up about my anxiety more to you.

And when you opened up about your anxiety, did she have more understanding?

All her bad behavior and insecurities made me question myself as a partner.

Yes, her criticism and complaints and telling you things like “what’s wrong with you” all contributed to you feeling bad about yourself, feeling inadequate.

In reality I was a fantastic partner and she was toxic and manipulative, but again I don’t want to accept that for some reason.

Look, no one is perfect. So I guess you weren’t perfect either. But she was toxic, I do believe that. Because whenever someone doesn’t want to take responsibility for their actions but blames the other person, that’s toxic in my book.

 

I’m glad you reassured me that I withdrew naturally because I wasn’t sure if I was purposefully doing it. There were times like when I asked for a night to myself. However we know what happened after I asked for that, so it stopped. She was trying to control me and punish me for not being her ‘ideal partner’ in the moment.

Of course you wanted time for yourself – because she was frequently criticizing you. You wanted to protect yourself from that. But then she would criticize you for not spending all of your time with her – so you felt guilty and gave in. And that’s how you slowly became a shell of a person – because she dominated you completely, you didn’t dare to do or say anything that would upset her.

I can’t bear the thought of her being critical of me because it was unwarranted in my eyes. She had no reason to say the things she did. I do believe I am a good person and partner but there is always things I can improve on as well.

Well, I think that a part of you (your inner child) actually believed her when she said you are a bad partner. If you truly believed you were a good partner, you wouldn’t have the need to prove it to her. You wouldn’t need her to validate you.

Your entire struggle is that you are attracted to girls who are difficult to please, but whom you want to please, so you can feel good about yourself. So that you can feel worthy of love. That’s what I believe.

In past relationships I have had the thought of something is wrong with me. Although this time after the break up I haven’t at all really. In reality something is wrong with her but I never told her that. Maybe saying something is wrong with her isn’t the right word, but she was traumatized and was on major anti depressants, anti psychotics at 17, she was taking valium to try self medicate as well at times. She had a lot of issues and didn’t want to face the music.

Yes, she has major mental health issues, which make her very difficult to function in a relationship. So you might say that something was/is wrong with her.

It does feel like so many things I have done would please others. Everyone I have told has reassured me I did everything and I have nothing to prove to her. My inner child still wants to reach out and see how she is and if she has moved on or feeling how I am etc.

You want to know whether she still cares. Because if she cares, it will mean you are lovable. If she doesn’t care, it will mean you’re not worthy enough. I think your sense of worth or lovability is depended on her. That’s the inner child wound.

I do resonate with being attracted to sensitive and fragile girls. I want to shelter them from the world. I think it’s more that I want to prove to them that I can be that support and I can help them help themselves. I have always been intrigued by women with a ‘damaged side’ lets call it. Somethings about it draws me in

Yes, and you explained in your previous post why you are drawn to such girls. You said: “I wanted to help my ex through all her issues so when she came out the other side she would see I am still there despite all the crap we went through. I’ll admit I wanted to be the one to help so she could look back and see how I was always there and in turn be able to love me even more.”

I’ll repeat once again what I said in my previous post: I believe you are attracted to fragile and sensitive girls because you believe that by helping them you will prove that you are good enough and that you deserve love. You will prove that you are worthy of love. That you are lovable.

I feel this is your core wound: not feeling lovable. Not feeling worthy of love.

I find it commendable to stick with someone through their issues. I genuinely believed that’s what creates those unbreakable bonds, I told her this in a letter when we broke up about 6 months ago. I told her things would change because I believe change is inevitable. Little did I know it wasn’t me that needed to make many adjustments but rather my ex.

So 6 months ago, after one of the breakups, you told her in a letter that you would change, that you would make adjustments?

What would a healthy motivation be to stick with your partner through thick and thin?

I guess if the relationship is healthy to begin with. Which means if both partners are dedicated to each other and to self-improvement. If one is denying responsibility for their actions and always blaming the other, that’s not healthy. If you need to lose yourself stay in the relationship – that’s not healthy either.

Thick and thin are often the outer circumstances – tough times such as loss of job, severe illness by one partner, car accident, financial crisis, losing one’s home, miscarriage or another trauma. In other words, often it’s the outer crisis which tests the couple’s bond. Sometimes it is the inner crisis, such as midlife crisis, which can either bring the partners closer together, or can lead to distancing and separation.

But what I am trying to say is that if one partner is dysfunctional and unable for a healthy relationship, it’s not a good relationship to fight for.

I really still believe she was very close to being right for me, I still don’t know if I did pick her due to my unmet emotional needs. The psych told me I may not have been as spontaneous or playful as her. But I was still childish and a joker and I have always been this way with other partners too. What do you think I am looking for in a partner when you talk about my unmet emotional needs?

I think you look for validation. You want to prove to them that you are worthy of love.

I think that’s your core wound and the main magnet that draws you to sensitive and needy girls. Because you believe that by helping them overcome their problems, and staying by their side, you’ll prove how good of a person you are. That’s what I think.

I don’t think differences in character, such as playfulness, play a major part, because you said yourself that you too can be playful and goofy. You’re not some rigid guy with no sense of humor. You may be less spontaneous and more organized than she is, but spontaneity is not the main attraction point for you, I believe. Rather, it’s the “brokenness”, which you believe you can help fix.

It does feel like I get dragged into that feeling of fulfillment very quick. I like to be exclusive with people straight away basically and I think that’s to do with me being a jealous person. I always ask partners early on if we are exclusive and they all say the same thing ‘I don’t have time for anyone else but you’. It makes me feel special and wanted, fulfilled. Then soon enough we end up in a relationship.

This part is actually quite normal – that you want to be exclusive. We all want to feel special. And also, being exclusive is a guarantee that the girl wants a committed relationship. Because you don’t want something casual. You want her to be dedicated to you.

Your idea that it’s a craving feels so real to me. It genuinely feels like a high I want in my life, already I am so keen to get into a relationship or something exclusive but I know it’s not a good idea. Not until I am actually over my ex at least.

Yeah, you said that without a relationship, you feel dull and bored. In a relationship, your hopes, dreams and longings awaken. Your inner child starts hoping that he will find the perfect love. Not only that he will feel loved, but also lovable. Which means worthy of love. That’s the high he is chasing for.

And I agree, it would be a bad idea to get into another relationship at this point – before you heal that core wound. Because you would end up in a similar situation.

I am glad I am making progress because it does feel like it, only slow progress. But progress is progress! I don’t want to manifest it but I think I have a slow recovery ahead of me.

Yes, you are making progress. It doesn’t matter if it’s slow. These things take time to heal.

Okay it good to hear I was just escaping the lows and avoiding more criticism.

Yes, it’s hard to be around someone who is constantly criticizing you. Constant criticism and blame is emotional abuse too.

I would always wake up and regret not seeing her the next day because I know she would continue to criticize me even then. So a lot of the time my thought was ‘either I go tonight when I don’t want to but tomorrow I will avoid a fight/criticism or I don’t go and tomorrow I am the cause of another argument, another negative she pick at’. This was my thought process for most of this year and it isn’t healthy when I look at it that way. It just seems like a lose-lose situation for me.

Yes, it definitely seems like a lose-lose situation: no good options for you. You’d be criticized no matter what you do.

It would frustrate me so much just knowing each night after work I could be looking at an argument. The alternative was come over to my place but she always had a ‘valid excuse’ to want to stay at home. My excuse of working until 4pm then cleaning, cooking, walking and feeding the dog, making lunches etc. were never an excuse. She actually use to say to me I didn’t have an excuse not to be there for her at times when I genuinely had good reasons.

Yeah, this all seems very egocentric and trying to control you. You needed to do as she pleases, even if objectively you were the one with a job and more responsibilities than her. But she didn’t care about your needs, only about her own.

Okay if she reaches out I will keep it first person. My psych told me not to mention therapy etc. but to say that we both have things we need to do before we reconnect. You think its better to keep first person.

To be honest, if she reaches out any time soon, it would be a disaster if you reconnect, because nothing really changed. She certainly hasn’t done any healing, and you too are only starting to realize what might be the problem and why you might be picking wrong girls. You still need to work on yourself a lot.

That’s why I thought the best would be to give her a polite rejection. Basically, telling her that you need to work on yourself (which is true), but not telling her what she should do, because at this point what really matters is that you work on yourself.

I don’t see it as an assumption really. I see this relationship still as fixable but she needs to do certain things and I believe it is mainly therapy and work.

Yes, but it’s not only she who’d need to change. If you want to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship in the future, you’d need to heal your own wounds. The sense of unworthiness, which I believe is driving your attraction to needy girls. So I’d focus on myself, because that’s the only thing you can control.

I always have reached out to my exes 2-3 months later for some reason just to check in. Would you say this is unwise with this ex? or all in that case?

I would definitely stay away from this ex. She had a destructive impact on you. I’d work hard on my own healing, on healing the obsession you feel about her. That’s why no contact would be super important if you want to heal.

You made a lot of sense today Tee! I appreciate you a lot, you’ve honestly been such a big support for me.

You are most welcome, Adam!

My friends are starting to get over it. They have my best interest at heart because I know they don’t want me going back or getting hurt again in the future. They are supportive overall in say this.

I am glad you have such supportive friends!

I hope I’m not overwhelming you with all this drama. I do want to find this core problem. From what I’ve gathered it’s to do with me finding a sense of worth within a partner? or proving im worthy of love? Is that what your leaning towards?

The latter: your need to prove that you’re worthy of love.

And no, you’re not overwhelming me. I am happy if I can help you get to the root of the problem.

 

Dear Dafne,

I am feeling slightly better, but my healing is very slow and will take time. But I hope I will heal eventually, even if it takes a long time.

The priest did not encourage chasing him but he told me that everything is possible. I told him about his bad behaviour and the sex bit too as it gave him more clarity. The priest said that this man is not himself and may even behave irrationally or promiscuous. Sometimes it is a part of his grieving process and sometimes his heart will never heal. He might be a good man but in a bad place in his life now.

Normally he doesn’t approve women to go after divorced men as they are still healing, having feelings to their ex or in the worst case not divorced at all (only legally separated).

This is a valid point. If the guy is “not himself” and behaving irrationally and promiscuously, would you want to be with him? If he is a good guy (in theory) and his heart will eventually heal, then you better wait till he heals and shows you he is a good guy. Because right now, he behaves very selfishly: he only wants to use you for sex, he doesn’t want to go on dates and get to know you, and his attitude is humiliating (e.g. he has expectations that you should please him sexually and that’s the only thing he talks about).

You should take the guy as he is, not as you want him to be. His behavior right now is pretty abhorrent. That’s the only thing that matters. All the rest is blind hope and wishful thinking.

In my case, he thinks it is too late for us because I told him what I want. At the beginning I should not reveal that I am looking for something serious (dates, affection, feelings etc.). This scares away most men (especially after divorce). He would come back to me at some point and ask me out himself. So he believes it is more about the male psychology.

I don’t agree with him on this one. Is expecting to go on a date with a guy before jumping into bed with him too much to expect? Is it too serious? Too much of a burden for the guy?

Well, that’s not male psychology in general, but how chauvinist males think.

He would come back to me at some point and ask me out himself

He still can, if he decides he wants a normal relationship, not your sexual services. You don’t want him as he is now. If he changes some day and heals (presuming he is “not himself” at the moment), he has your number.

I also might have pushed him away by the constant demands to go out with him. Maybe I should have let him go after the 1 date and wait for him to contact me first. It seems like men want what they can’t have.

He realized he can’t have what he wants (sex without a relationship), that’s why he didn’t reach out. Even if you haven’t messaged him, he wouldn’t have reached out, because he realized you’re not going to give him what he wants.

There is only one way he would be interested in you: if you agreed to have sex with him. No other “tricks” would have made him interested.

 

Dear Caroline,

I feel really anxious and depressed.I could not sleep at night. I hate this life. Sorry if this is too much. I coped with so many similar situations already and seems like I have no one. No one who respects me anymore.

I am sorry this feels so heavy on you suddenly. I guess you really don’t want to tolerate disrespect and abuse any more, which you have been doing for much of your life. You want to do something about it, but at the same time, it feels overwhelming. I totally get it.

You are so worthy of love and respect, Caroline, it’s just that you might have surrounded yourself with people who don’t respect you enough, or you have tolerated their poor treatment, and it kind of got out of hand.

You have followed the same old pattern from your childhood. I think it’s called learned helplessness – you believe you’re helpless in face of people treating you badly. You feel paralyzed to do anything. You feel like a victim. That’s your inner child who is scared. But you have the adult part who is strong and capable, and can protect both yourself and your inner child.

So now it’s time to activate that adult part. However, you don’t need to do everything at once. You don’t need to tell your girlfriend everything that bothers you about her, and end up breaking up with her. You don’t need to cut off relationships with people all of a sudden.

You can express one little thing for starters, e.g. that you prefer not to be called a certain name. Or when your girlfriend tells you you are high maintenance for ordering sushi, you just laugh at it and order it anyway.

So start with something small, start setting boundaries in small things. And then see how people react to it. Does this seem  doable?

 

Dear Caroline,

I once told her that I don’t like this name calling, and she said “it’s nice name and many people would like that”. And that’s how our conversation ended. She still does it.

She invalidated your feelings, telling you you should like something when you don’t. That’s a form of emotional abuse, actually, when someone invalidates our feelings. Next time try telling her something like “please don’t call me like that again, I don’t like it. I’d appreciate if you respected how I feel about it.”

I will try to stand up for myself more, but I think all I can do is be a victim. It’s difficult.

It seems like an old pattern: feeling helpless in face of bullying, and then either staying silent, or trying to placate the bully (the fawn response, which we’ve talked about). You have the ability to take your power back, Caroline. You don’t have to endure bullying any more. You are an adult, and you can choose what you want to have in your life, and what you want to eliminate.

 

Hi Adam,

I always understood relationships are hard work and never perfect.

Did you get that from your own parents and their marriage? Have they preserved their marriage in spite of difficulties?

If I didn’t stick around when my partner treated me bad nothing would’ve changed. I honestly believe it would’ve been another example of me not loving or caring to her. I think if I was the one to not stick around and move on id be regretting it now, I needed to see it through especially after my other break ups I didn’t really fight or see things through at first. … I wanted to show my ex that I will always be there.

I see. You partly sabotaged your previous relationships by smoking and not being present. And then after the girl broke up with you, you tried to repair things, but it never worked out. So with this girl, you perhaps made a vow to yourself that you won’t mess up this time, that you’ll do the best you can and will not be the cause of breakup?

I get in my head that she didn’t actually mean it. She always spoke about how she feels like she just does things and she cant control it, I think all the conflicted thoughts she had makes it harder for me to let go of the attachment. It wasn’t like she said ‘I love someone else’ or anything. There was always a follow up apology followed by a connection and I think that is still what I am hoping for and I am trying to accept that I may not get that ontop of it not being healthy at the moment.

I hear you. That’s the hardest when the person seems to mean well, but they can’t “control themselves”, something is “stronger than them”, and they seem to be the victim of forces beyond them. That’s why you see her as the victim and you have empathy for her. And you also hope that as the victim, some day she will be free from those “forces”.

But there are 2 problems with that. One is that she actually could have done a number of things about her moods, but she chose not to. I mean, she saw she was getting worse without medication, but she decided to cut it down on her own and just keep doing it, hoping that some day, she’d magically get over it. So she wasn’t a complete victim in this – she chose a path which made her feel worse, and made your relationship worse too, but she kept doing it.

And second, even more important: abuse is abuse. Even if she suffered trauma in the past, her behavior is abusive, and you don’t need to tolerate it. To give an extreme example: most perpetrators of violent crimes were abused themselves as children. However, that doesn’t condone their actions. Abuse is abuse, regardless of what caused it.

There was always a follow up apology followed by a connection

What I’ve heard from you is that after each argument she would break up, and then either of you would reach out, and then I guess she was a bit apologetic, and you too were determined not to upset her again. So you modified her behavior and adapted to her more and more. But her behavior didn’t get better. She hasn’t modified anything, right?

And also, your relationship followed the typical cycle of abuse (as your therapist told you): you reconcile, things are a bit better for a while, but then shortly after that it starts deteriorating again, which ends up in new abuse. It’s a never-ending cycle.

I remember asking myself am I really a shit boyfriend? I was so conflicted in thought and wasn’t sure if it was abuse or I was overthinking.

Yes, if you suffer from self-esteem issues, then her criticism would be enough to cause you to question yourself and believe that it is your fault.

I knew I was being distant and I was kicking myself a bit for that. It was very hard for me to process at the time.

You naturally withdrew when she would attack and accuse you – that’s a natural self-protection mechanism. But then you blamed yourself for that, telling yourself you’re not a good boyfriend.

But I knew something was up during our last argument. She just seemed so critical of me and everything I did. I am really struggling not too reach out to her at the moment.

You see the train of thoughts here? First thought: She seemed so critical of me. And the next thought: I am really struggling not to reach out.

It’s like you can’t bear the thought of her being critical of you. You can’t bear that she thinks badly of you. You need to reach out and try to prove the opposite. That’s the wounded inner child in action. He needs to prove he is worthy, so he needs to reach out.

I think I could be attracted to the protector role. All my relationships have had similarities when it comes my exes criticism of me. My exes all brought up gaming, smoking and affection. I wouldn’t say I feel unworthy if my partner isn’t pleased with me but I do feel like I failed to some degree.

Okay, so you feel like a failure. That’s similar. It’s feeling not good enough. So when your partner is critical of you, you feel not good enough. And by pleasing your partner and going back for more, you are trying to prove that you are good enough. That you are a good person. Because deep down, you believe you’re not.

When we believe that we’re not good enough, we believe there’s something deeply wrong with us, that we are inherently faulty. And that’s when we tend to self-medicate with addictions, daydreaming etc. Because the pain of believing that “there is something terribly wrong with me” is unbearable.

However I don’t think my first 2 partners were impossible to please, I do think it just wasn’t the right time for me and I wasn’t sure if it was actually what I wanted.

Okay, you weren’t that attracted to them. I’d dare say your inner child didn’t get so attached to them as he did with your most recent ex.

This time I knew what I wanted and thats why I fought so hard. I would say my most recent ex was basically impossible to please and it was so disheartening and it still is.

Yes, so just allow that to sink in: she was impossible to please. Even if you (your inner child) want to try again, be aware of the fact that it’s like hitting your head against the wall: it won’t bend. You will get the same results over and over again.

I hate saying this but I do feel like I’m attracted to ‘damaged goods’ of some sorts. I wanted to help my ex through all her issues so when she came out the other side she would see I am still there despite all the crap we went through. I’ll admit I wanted to be the one to help so she could look back and see how I was always there and in turn be able to love me even more.

This is key: you’re attracted to fragile and sensitive girls, because you believe that by helping them you will prove that you are good enough and that you deserve their love. You will prove that you are worthy of love. That you are lovable.

Do you resonate with this?

I wanted that unbreakable bond and I genuinely thought going through stuff like this would create that. But maybe that’s just what creates toxic relationships and not real love.

You wanted the unbreakable bond, however an even deeper longing of yours (which stems from a wound) is to prove that you are good enough and lovable. That’s why it is unhealthy. Because it stems from a wound, not from a healthy motivation to stick with your partner through thick and thin.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s totally okay and commendable to stick with your partner through tough times. However, if the partner is not right for you – if you picked her due to your unmet emotional needs – that’s not a healthy constellation to begin with. Sticking with someone who is not right for you and who is abusing you is not a proof of anything. It’s not a proof of your character.

I really enjoy having a partner and building a relationship with someone. I am quick to get that destined and attached feeling, this time it was like no other I’ve ever had and it was a great feeling at first.

Right. I think you crave being in a relationship because you want to prove that you are good enough and lovable. I think that’s your main motivation. You get attached quickly because it’s a craving, it’s like a magnet. It pulls us to the person, if we feel they might be the person to finally give us what we long for. And it can feel like destiny. It’s like “finally, I will get what I am longing for. Finally, I will be fulfilled!”

I think I chase that feeling sometimes. Going back to that rollercoaster of emotions, I think I do enjoy the highs and lows of a relationship because I do feel quite steady and dull when I’m alone.

I think your inner child becomes hopeful when you are in a relationship. He wants to feel loved and is “high” on that feeling, while it lasts. I don’t think you crave for the lows, but you take it as a side-effect of chasing the highs. You can’t avoid it. But I think it’s the highs what you’re after: the moments when you feel loved and lovable.

Its weird though because now I am alone I feel like I am in a better routine and more motivated when I actually think about it. I am working out, cleaning, cooking, walking the dog doing all these things until 7pm or so. I am actually smoking less at the moment compared to when we were together the last couple weeks.

This is good! You are taking care of yourself and your needs. Even if you’re thinking about her a lot and have an urge to reach out, you’re not completely overwhelmed by the feeling and you don’t have such a huge need to self-medicate. You can stay present with both your rational self and your emotions, and sort of keep a distance. That’s progress, Adam.

When we were together I was less motivated to do these things like work out, cut down smoking etc. and I think it was because I wasn’t getting my own time. Instead I would game and smoke until 7pm then go see her a lot of the time, neglecting my house duties. However towards the end I would make excuses as to what I was actually doing and why I couldn’t come over. I was scared of telling her the truth and afraid of being abused for it.

Right. I think that’s because the relationship was in the “lows”. You didn’t get anything positive from her, and so you needed to self-soothe with smoking and gaming. And you didn’t even want to meet her because you knew she would criticize you. So you tried to find excuses why you can’t go. It’s pretty clear: you wanted to escape the lows and you wanted to stay home and self-medicate.

I was going to ask for some help if she does ever reach out. I have heard that its good to plan a message. My psych told me to say something a long the lines of “as much as I want a connection right now we both know what we need to do”. However I feel like we had this discussion last time and we eventually met up and then rekindled disregarding what we both needed to do. I’m torn between wanting to reach out to her, her reaching out to me and also the possibility of her not ever reaching out. I am trying my best to stay rational about all of this.

Good that you’re trying to stay rational and not follow your urges. I hope that as we’re slowly unpacking this dynamic, you’ll find it easier to stay present with your feelings and not escape into any extremes (reaching out as one extreme, or self-medicating as the other).

If she reaches out, you can say something similar to what your therapist suggested. However, I would keep it in the first person: “As much as I want a connection right now, I know I have to first work on myself and do some healing, before being ready again for a relationship”. I’d keep it in the first person and wouldn’t make any assumptions about her and what she needs to do. Just speak for yourself.

How can this all be fixed? I do resonate with parts of it.

If your core wound is not feeling good enough and believing that there is something fundamentally wrong with you, you’d need to heal that wound. Inner child work is a great way to heal.

But first you’d need to figure out what the core wound is, only then can you start healing. I am trying to unpack things and help you get to the core problem. Let me know if what I said today makes sense.

 

Hey SereneWolf,

I kinda already have a new cat (Even though it’s not mine)

she’s a feral cat. So not easy to handle. She almost looks like a tiny cute cheetah.

🙂 How are you getting along with her? Does she allow to be cuddled?

But I mean like someone to share that grief with?

Yes, it’s good to have someone to share difficult moments with, not to be alone with our grief. But having a partner just so they can console us in hard times would be a bit unfair to them. I mean, the goal would be to have a full spectrum of emotional intimacy, in both good and bad times. That’s the point of a healthy relationship.

Talking about her, we met yesterday and she asked me that if it’s okay If we still be in physical things. And I’m thinking about saying yes. Because maybe ignoring my physical needs isn’t letting me properly focus on more important day to day things?

Hmmm… I thought she was smarter than that. Instead of learning to be on her own for a while, she offered you a friends-with-benefits arrangement. That’s hurtful, specially for women, because they usually get more attached than men. And in the case of you two, we know that she is much more attached to you than you to her. So I think she is putting herself in a situation which she will regret.

Because maybe ignoring my physical needs isn’t letting me properly focus on more important day to day things?

Well, I personally don’t view sex in the same rank of physical needs as eating, drinking or getting enough sleep. It’s not a part of self-care. So I don’t think it will help you be more productive, if that’s what you meant. But you know yourself best – have you noticed that sex makes you more productive at work?

Yes I agree with you, But nowadays I feel anxious and scared like lot of What Ifs, What if it this happens and what if this goes wrong which is depleting my energy and self-esteem

You feel that anxiety in social situations or with work-related tasks?

Well you do have a point there but we can’t point out that single thing for her emotional support can we? Because she and my grandma lifted me up when I was feeling down time to time.

I am happy if they did show emotional support in some situations. But your mother, if I understood well, was your father’s enabler. She enabled him to criticize you and verbally abuse you without intervening. She basically told you to endure it and to be “mature” about it. She failed to protect you. That’s a big omission. And it’s not something that happened once or twice, but consistently. The whole situation was so unbearable that you left home at the age of 16. Those are no small things…

Yes that’s right that’s how it was in my childhood, For example my father gave me the very expensive bike because I ranked first in my primary school.

Okay, so you felt your father was kind and “loving” to you only if you performed well at school? You felt that when he praised you, he expected no less than top performance from you? You had to be No1, or else he wouldn’t be pleased? (I am just trying to understand what you said earlier that you felt that people are insincere when they praise you and that they want something in return. So perhaps this behavior doesn’t come from your mother, but from your father?)

I’m just starting to be more open about compliments. Before I wouldn’t even give an attention to it. Now I think it would be better for my self-esteem. Because it has more “Evidence” to backup. Because inner critic is super rational and have more negative perception and I think providing evidence would help.

It’s good that you’re more open to compliments. Because if the inner critic is strong, it will disregard even the strongest evidence. That happens in the impostor syndrome. But if you silence the inner critic a bit and allow yourself to receive praise, without immediately dismissing it, that’s a good start.

Also I had a session with my therapist. She said I’m doing good so far.

Yay, happy to hear that! 🙂

She even told me that I don’t listen to my inner critic that much like before, Which is impressive she said that lot of the people she worked with it took lot of time but I’m doing well in shorter time span. She also said how much things I’m doing on my own (Also with your help So thanks)

You are very welcome!

Allow yourself to receive that praise from your therapist and accept that you’re actually doing good and having results pretty quickly. So don’t dismiss it as false praise, but allow yourself to be satisfied with yourself.

She asked me lot of questions about my current situation and how I feel. And said that my inner child wants to live in slower pace, but my fierce need to get things done doesn’t letting it happen. That’s why I feel restless. And like that I have many two-faced tendencies like that I need to work on.

Right. So the drill sergeant is still active, still pushing you to do more and faster. Try to notice it and then stop yourself, i.e. invite the good general (forgot his name, sorry) to come to your rescue and send the drill sergeant away.

 

Hi Adam,

It is a selfish attitude but I also can’t blame her for being selfish. I do believe she had her and maybe even our best interest in mind. Part of me thinks she knew I was unhappy and she could see that I wasn’t going to leave but I would always fight. But you’re right her attitude was selfish and she wasn’t very thoughtful of how I would feel. Imagine I told her ‘you treat me like shit’ that would really hurt her and I think she knew what she said hurt me at times. I honestly think she purposefully said some things and left because she knew it would hurt me and get me to fight. She always went to the extreme to get that reaction from me though. Yes the last week I really felt so lost in the relationship but I knew I would find myself again and things would be good between us. A rough patch is what I thought it was, however it occurred quite a bit and it was all instigated by her not feeling wanted or loved. I always felt happy and loved until she left. I think that’s why I felt so alone, because she already left me before she broke up with me. She said herself that she took it out on me and processed the whole break up before it happened. I do have a deep desire to please people especially partners once they mention they are unhappy.

I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but this entire paragraph is so-called rationalization: you’re rationalizing why she was abusive to you.

One of those rationalizing thoughts is that when she abused you, she had your best interest in mind: “I do believe she had her and maybe even our best interest in mind“. That she hurt you so you would leave, because she knew you would never leave on your own (Part of me thinks she knew I was unhappy and she could see that I wasn’t going to leave but I would always fight.) Which by the way isn’t true because you never left, even if she hurt you badly. It was always her who broke up with you. So she knew that no matter what she says and how badly she hurts you, you’d stick around.

Next, you are rationalizing that she said hurtful things and left, so you would finally start fighting for her (I honestly think she purposefully said some things and left because she knew it would hurt me and get me to fight.) Well, she didn’t need to get you to fight – you were always fighting for her. What her intention for leaving might have been is to manipulate you into submission. Because each time you reconciled, you became less and less demanding and more and more tolerant of her moods. You stopped complaining or demanding anything.

Yes the last week I really felt so lost in the relationship but I knew I would find myself again and things would be good between us. A rough patch is what I thought it was, however it occurred quite a bit and it was all instigated by her not feeling wanted or loved. I always felt happy and loved until she left

The above is self-gaslighting. You forgot about the 29 “grievances” that you expressed here (and you said it’s not even half of it all), where you explained how miserable you felt. According to those 29 grievances, you didn’t feel happy and loved at all. Towards the end you felt like a shell, you felt like her punching bag.

But you have a rationalization for that too: she used you as her punching bag because she already decided to break up before she told you, so she wasn’t holding back: I think that’s why I felt so alone, because she already left me before she broke up with me. She said herself that she took it out on me and processed the whole break up before it happened.

In short: whatever abuse she did, no matter how selfish and rude she was to you, you found a rationalization and an excuse for it. So that in your mind, she could remain a loving girlfriend, who has your best interest in mind.

This is how your emotional mind (your wounded inner child) overwrites what actually happened and comes up with a retouched narrative. So that you can keep hoping…

 

I do have a deep desire to please people especially partners once they mention they are unhappy.

It seems you cannot bear if the woman you love is displeased with you. You’d do anything to make her happy, even if it’s to your own detriment.

I do want to get that validation and love from her it sucks…

This is related to the above: You would do anything to get validation from your partner, and you cannot stand if she is displeased with you.

 

The first relationship was when I got out of prison.

Sorry, I didn’t get it: was she your first girlfriend after you got out of prison?

Honestly I think it could have to do with just being my first real relationship. Also I felt bad about how it ended after all those months. I find her very attractive to this day, more so than other exes. So maybe the attachment is there because of my attraction to her as well.

Possibly, physical attraction plays a role too.

 

I wouldn’t say I’m unloveable or not worthy. I know deep down I am a steal and most girls would be very lucky to have me, I say that humbly. I just know I can support, love and bring joy to people especially a partner.

That’s the rational part speaking. Rationally you know you are a good partner. But when she accused you of being selfish, you readily believed her. You believed it was your fault that she isn’t happy with you, and that she doesn’t find joy in the relationship.

So again the discrepancy: in theory you know you’re a good person, but in practice, when in the relationship, you totally forget it. Probably that’s when your wounded inner child takes over, and you feel inadequate and try everything in your power to prove how good of a partner you are.

I am trying to be a good parent to my inner child, only I am getting caught in the bad habits. I unblocked her the other day to look at her profiles etc. I also did a detour past her house the other day as she lives around the corner. Again it’s like I’m looking for a reason to move on.

When you engage in those behaviors, you are not being a good parent to your inner child, but your inner child is actually running the show. Because your inner child pulls you to obsess about her, to hope, to ruminate, to want to go back…

It does feel as though my rational side is being taken over by my emotional side a lot of the time. So my emotional side is my inner child basically?

Yes. I mean, not all of our emotions stem from our inner child. But if we have very strong emotions, which are more like obsession, infatuation, behaving irrationally and often to our own detriment – that’s coming from the wounded inner child.

 

I have been telling myself everyday I actually need to move on and forget. I’ve been almost angry at myself for allowing myself to be fooled again as well as disrespected. Maybe I should be kinder and just accept that it happened and take it easier rather than shouting at myself. It’s like I’m trying to be my own rational thought and force the idea of moving on and letting go. Maybe I’m going about it wrong?

Well, maybe you are trying to tell yourself that you should move on, but it doesn’t really have much weight. Since the emotional pull is stronger. But you’re right, trying to force yourself to cut off your emotions isn’t helpful either.

What I think might help at this point is to observe yourself: observe both your rational thoughts, where you know she was abusive and that the relationship was toxic and that it would be best to let go. Then also observe the obsessive side, which is stalking her on social media, driving past her house, and hoping to rekindle the relationship.

Be aware of those two sides. Keep a mental distance from both of those sides. Don’t identify with either of them. And don’t judge either of them. And see if anything changes.

 

I am just so caught up on this feeling. I’m so stuck in the idea that this is what the universe really wanted as well as both of us. I’ve heard the saying ‘if it will be then it will be’ and I genuinely think it will be for some reason, it’s that destined feeling. I can’t help but think we will reconnect and I don’t want that feeling.

You know, if something is really destined, then it will happen, without you pushing. I heard a good metaphor once: it’s like you toss everything in the air, and if it’s destined, it will come back to you. You toss the relationship in the air – you let go of it – and if it’s destined, it will come back.

Which means that letting go is the first step, even if it’s destined.

 

Hi Adam,

I haven’t seen your last post before posting mine.

I wouldn’t mind exploring your idea on proving to her that I’m worthy.

Happy to do that. I’ve already made some suggestions in my previous post, regarding the inner child. I hope those make sense to you.

I felt alright today I’m trying to keep my head in a good place and be my own reminder that my ex was controlling and manipulating me. The first week was a lot easier, as I approach week 3 it feels as though my thoughts are slowly trying to beautify the relationship more and it’s surprising my rational thoughts at times.

What you said here actually confirms my theory: that your rational part is aware of all the facts and how bad and toxic the relationship was. However, the emotional part is overwriting all of that – and as you say, this comes as a surprise to your rational part.

It’s almost like two entities fighting inside of you: your reason and your emotions. As I said, the emotions cannot be shut down for too long, as you’re experiencing it yourself. These strong emotions I believe are coming from your inner child, who feels unlovable and unworthy. So the idea is to get in touch with your inner child and tell him that he is lovable and precious and worthy. And that there is nothing wrong with him.

Here are some examples of how your emotions/inner child clouds your judgment:

I still think it’s fixable if I’m being honest and it honestly is if the right steps are taken.

I remember her saying she didn’t think I was caring after all this time. That makes me feel like I should still reach out now and show her that I’m still caring

I feel like she did honestly share that destined feeling but it fizzled out a bit towards the end and she couldn’t work through the differences.

It overwrites everything your reason knows, and pushes his own agenda. For example, your reasons knows that she was bad for you: I don’t want to say she was a psycho but it genuinely feels that way a bit and that’s what everyone is telling me. She was toxic, immature, depressed, psychotic etc. these are the things people are telling me now.

But to your emotional part, it doesn’t really matter much. It is capable of forgetting all about the problems and believing that still, he needs to try again.

I hope you can see this mechanism and this battle inside of you. The more you see it, the harder it will be to be pulled into mindless hope. I say mindless on purpose, because when we are under the influence of this strong desire and longing, our rational mind switches off.