Dear Anna,

you’re welcome!

He changed from a nice guy I thought he was to this cold stranger from one day to another.

Oh that’s horrible. Has he changed soon after you moved to his country? I mean, have you two met online and then you agreed to move to his country? Or you knew him in person before you moved there?

Now I’m back in my country but unfortunately I didn’t cut off all contact yet…

Oh you’re still in touch with him? How come, if I may ask? Maybe staying in touch is what makes it harder for you to focus on yourself and your life ahead, without him?

Dear lorn,

i think that i have a horrible way to regulate my feelings, i sometimes laugh when im sad

i sometimes beleive that i have a belief inside that say “crying is for weak people”

i see life in an absurd way, i don’t think i respect it, nor do i respect my feelings… some feelings has no real purpose, they create “unnecessary suffering” and i think i just laugh when they appear.

It could be that your emotions were not validated when you were a child, or perhaps you were told that “crying is for weak people”. And so you don’t want to express sadness but you laugh instead. Because crying was not allowed, or you were ridiculed for it?

its connected to my early childhood where i was left alone when i was in pain,

There was no one to soothe your pain, and we as children desperately need to be soothed when we are in pain. That’s how we learn to later soothe our own pain, in adulthood.

Now you naturally want someone to soothe your pain. You do feel pain (even if you don’t allow yourself to cry), and you want to be soothed. And you’re craving for someone of the opposite sex to do it. So I guess a romantic interest, right?

That’s all very natural – we want our emotional needs to be met. If our parents weren’t able to meet our emotional needs, we as adults crave for a romantic partner to do it. You say your craving and desire is strong, you call it addiction (the desire is so strong i began to call it the addiction). That’s normal too – our longing for love and care is so strong, that it’s almost like an addiction.

i want someone to lessen the pain, why im not doing that ? how do i do that ?

I think you’d first need to acknowledge that you have legitimate emotional needs, which weren’t met in your childhood. Your need to be soothed when you are in pain is one such basic need. And it’s completely valid. You shouldn’t judge yourself for it. So allow yourself to feel pain, allow yourself to cry  – because crying is healing. It’s not just for weak people.

Also, do you have an option to attend therapy? I think having someone to serve as a good, compassionate parent figure, who will hear you out and mirror your feelings – is what you’d need. A good therapist can fulfill that role.

Dear Anna,

I’m recovering from a toxic relationship that led to me being broke and broken.

I am very sorry this happened to you. It’s tough. Would you like to share some more? You did say earlier that you were in a relationship with a narcissist. Has he manipulated you financially, so you ended up broke?

I’m also very confused when it comes to my career choice and future place to live and have this ‘mind-fog’. I feel I’m not myself as I’m usually joyful and open.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can cause people to start questioning themselves, even having brain fog, because the narcissist undermines their self-confidence. The person doesn’t know what to think any more, they don’t trust themselves any more… Was that your experience too?

Dear SereneWolf,

I am so sorry about your cat, that’s such a horrible news 🙁 You were close to her and now she is gone… I am so sorry.

It’s good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it all… Hold on, SereneWolf…

Hi Mr. Ritz,

That sounds pretty accurate.

Okay… so you’re aware that in your childhood you were not allowed to show emotions?

My wife on the other hand will show the emotions right away, where I don’t. I should feel it at the time, but I don’t. I wasn’t sad, I was surprised but glad.

I guess you did feel sadness (or fear, or anger) as a child, but have learned not to feel it, because that was safer?

Unlike me, he’s healthy, active, does not have high cholesterol or blood pressure and is not overweight.

Maybe that’s the scary part? It could happen to anyone anytime regardless of taking precautions?

Well, it can happen to anyone, however I believe there are still reasons. They don’t always have to be physical, such as high cholesterol, but there can be psychological reasons too, such as stress. And I believe that suppressing emotions can actually contribute to stress and cardiovascular problems… Anyway, I don’t think it’s that random. But that’s just my opinion, I tend to believe in the mind-body connection and a holistic view of disease…

Hello Mr. Ritz,

I am glad your heart palpitations calmed down after taking medicine, and that you’re fine now. As for why you react with a delayed panic/anxiety attack upon hearing bad news… I don’t really know. It seems you get triggered by bad news related to not only your family members, but also friends experiencing sickness or personal hardships.

Sounds like I’m some type of empath that absorbs the problems of other people that I know? Why would I be so affected?

Hmm empaths do absorb other people’s emotions, but they are also aware of those emotions. For example, upon hearing the bad news, I think you would immediately start feeling bad, worried, anxious etc. However, you say that it’s not the case with you:

None of these events with friends and family were even on my mind! I didn’t consciously think about them at all after hearing the news, and they didn’t occur until later in the evening, hours after the news was delivered.

Since you weren’t consciously thinking/worrying about the other person’s problem, I don’t think you’re an empath. For you, the reaction came hours later, completely unconsciously, sort of “out of the blue”.

However, what could be happening (this is just an idea) is that you might be suppressing your emotional reactions (because you might have a belief that “boys don’t cry”, for example). And so those valid emotional reactions come out to the surface in form of an anxiety attack?

Maybe this is a stretch, so please disregard if it doesn’t apply. But in any case, it seems like something is triggered – something that is beyond your conscious awareness. One possibility why things are beyond our conscious awareness is that they were not allowed to be expressed, typically in our childhood (say we weren’t allowed to cry or show weakness), and so we have suppressed them.

Hi SereneWolf,

Providing financially is okay for me and I’m doing that. But it’s also general like my father now don’t tell me things to do in certain way but still kinda pinpoint what others are doing and it’s frustrate me a lot like why do you have to care what they’re doing? Can’t you be satisfied once with what we have? Same with my grandfather whenever I call him.

I see… they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?

For my mother she’s just still overly protective (I know there’s some fault of mine as well for this) She literally tells me to lock the door before sleep. Like mom I know I’m not a child anymore.

Well, that’s harmless, in my opinion. That’s what mothers do. What she used to do in the past – to plead with you to tolerate your father’s abuse – that was harmful. But this I think is harmless…

Right and you know I got another idea for this. Taking voice notes like as I said before when I was feeling frustrated after talking on call with my father, I take voice notes to let out that frustration, but my anger is I think nearly at tipping point so maybe I will confront things to him.

Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?

And yeah, I agree also since you mention addiction, I think it’s also something which is wasting lot of my time. I’ve read more about CPTSD, and it’s also mentioned that anorexia and Technology addiction could be the part of it and it’s relatable for me. For me even though when not working it’s not easy for me just not waste time on screen for no reason at all.

Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say you’re suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if you’d like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didn’t give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasn’t good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated – feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasn’t enough (and my mother thought that’s the only thing a child needs).

No I can’t. because I’m supposed to be “Expert” in this. I talked to the people working on the same kind of projects and they are all telling me the same things that I’m already doing. Which is making me even more anxious… But I’m trying to ground myself by not getting attached to the results.

Oh I see… that’s frustrating when you’re trying everything, and it’s still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?

Hi SereneWolf,

sorry for not replying earlier, I’ve been feeling slightly down due to my health.

So this defense mechanism is like still part of me or just something I’m using as a block for intimate relationships?

I think this defense mechanism (suppressing your emotions) is active both in your social interactions and in your intimate relationships. In social interactions, you mostly suppress anger and are trying to hide it, so that it doesn’t show. In your previous relationship (LDR) you were also trying to suppress anger at your girlfriend when she wouldn’t show up for a date, or when she wouldn’t follow your advice regarding a healthy lifestyle or similar. So you were suppressing your anger there too.

In this relationship you didn’t speak so much about getting angry, but it’s more like you didn’t show too much enthusiasm for her. You showed a certain detachment. So the emotion in this case was missing, rather than suppressed. I know a part of it is because you were still in the early phases of the relationship. But I think a part of your “coolness” is that you don’t actually allow yourself to get attached, because you’re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and that’s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.

Thank a lot for your encouragement. I did learn things from you so thanks to you as well.

You’re welcome!

So yeah, I do like her vulnerability and honesty. But I think her older emotions are still strong. And to be honest I totally understand her dilemma as well but I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t sure about me. So, when she’ll come back I’ll tell her No. I’m not worried about ending this relationship. It’ll take few days but I’ll be alright.

I know you’re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? 🙂 However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave? Because originally you weren’t upset about it, you told her to decide what she wants. But now you’re changing your attitude…

Please don’t get me wrong – you have absolutely every right to say No to her. And indeed, if she is hesitating, it’s not a good sign. But just be honest with yourself and examine what the real reason for rejecting her is.

I’ll reply to your second post in a separate post…