Dear SereneWolf,

Do you make new year resolutions every year?

No, I’ve stopped doing that long ago. I used to, but I’ve never followed through, so it was pointless. Just recently I’ve watched a Henry Cloud video, where he said that unless we don’t change anything in our routine, what difference will a flip of the calendar make?

The way I see it, New Year’s resolutions sound good in theory, because we’re beginning a new year, with all those possibilities in front of us. But we’ll need to introduce some changes (first in our mindset, and then in our routine too) if we really want those goals to come true.

Yes, that is what I’m trying to do but it’s no easy thing to be honest

When is it the hardest for you to be compassionate with yourself? Maybe if you can give me an example?

Remember when I told you that I believe in action-oriented things? So It’s because of this, otherwise I just dwell in overthinking about outcomes, and it takes lot of time and drain my energy as well. Although it still happens sometimes

So if I understood you well, you are action-oriented and strive to implement new things ASAP, without too much thinking about it and analyzing it in advance, because if you do, you’ll end up overthinking and it will drain your energy. Is this what you’re saying? So you just plunge into it right away, and see what happens?

If so, it’s not necessarily a bad strategy. You can be action-oriented and still compassionate with yourself. For example, you can tell yourself something like “okay, let’s try introducing the employees’ feedback box and see how they like it”. You’re kind of curious and relaxed about the outcome.

But if you say to yourself “I want to learn how to be a great leader by the end of the month, and I need to introduce the employee’s feedback box and all these other novelties, because that should help me become a great leader in 30 days” – well that would be putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I don’t know what your attitude is, but perhaps it’s something similar to the latter?

Maybe yes.. That time first thing I wanted was Freedom which I have now and I’m really appreciating it. And If I didn’t moved out I don’t think I’d be developed this much as per mindset.

Because my parents are overprotective. For example I started swimming classes and after a week I’ve told them but at village in my teenage years they be like don’t go inside deep water and do this and that and me and my siblings weren’t allowed to go swimming without my cousin who’s an expert swimmer, but I didn’t learned swimming like that. Even when I started swimming lessons, they asked hundreds of questions. If I’m getting watery eyes, Water is too cold and blah blah.. But finally I’ve learned swimming because My parents weren’t around me to stop.

I see… so your motivation was to be free both from their judgment, but also from their constraints and limitations. They were overprotective, they tried to stop you from learning new things, because they were afraid for your safety. And too afraid indeed, because you weren’t trying to do anything dangerous or reckless, but you were simply trying to learn how to swim – and you took swimming classes. You weren’t trying to learn to swim alone, in a lake or a river, without anyone to oversee you. But they were still afraid…

I can relate because my mother refused to buy me a bike, because she was afraid I’d get overrun by a car… And so I’ve never learned how to ride a bike in my childhood, and it got ever more difficult as I got older. I did try it as an adult but never got good at bike riding… because of my mother’s fears.

So the thing that I noticed is that first of all even parents are not believing in their kids that they can handle themselves and making them feel more dependent or not enough, which is kind of true reality for lot of families here nowadays.

You’re right, many parents fear for their kids, to the point of being overprotective and stifling their child’s growth and development. My mother was certainly like that, and I myself was quite an anxious child too, so I stayed by my mother’s side rather than venturing out to explore the world…

Luckily, you were a different type. You didn’t allow yourself to get intimidated by them. You ventured out on your own, and dared to try many new things.

Yes I agree with this. That’s why I’m trying to be mindful about my inner voice now even though nowadays it’s keep telling what’s next? what are you doing?

I wonder if the push to always try new things and never give yourself a break is in part related to your fear of being “subdued” and made dependent/controlled by your parents? A subconscious fear that if you don’t keep moving, they’ll catch up with you and “restrain” you and you’ll lose your freedom?

Dear Lost1Flow,

I understand the difficult situation you found yourself in after your brother’s tragic death. Both you and your mother were devastated, and the mourning probably made you even closer. You said she became very clingy, and you became her only support. How old were you when the accident happened, if I may ask?

What is interesting is that your mother didn’t turn to your father for support in those difficult times, but she relied on you. This tells me that your father probably wasn’t too emotionally available. Is he the type of person who doesn’t express emotions, and couldn’t really talk about emotions after your brother’s death?

If he was/is an emotionally unavailable man, then what probably happened is that your mother found an emotional partner in you. She could share with you what she couldn’t share with him. And she got dependent on you and needy, like a child.

Maybe that neediness was present in her even before your brother’s death, but it was less obvious, because she was somehow coping. But your brother’s death triggered it, and she regressed, so to speak, into a helpless, child-like state. I am only guessing this – please correct me if I am wrong.

And she hasn’t recovered from that neediness, even if years have passed since your brother’s death. She became totally dependent on you. In the past you’ve encouraged her to reach out to people and make new friends, but she refused. She kept clinging to you.

I imagine things became even more difficult when your granny got sick, as well as your father, and she became their care-taker. Then there was no way she would let you leave her side…. and so over time, this clinginess and codependency turned into a beast, as you’ve called it.

In fact, she is clingy, and you are codependent. Because you’re taking care of a person who doesn’t want to take care of her own needs, and expects you to take care of her emotionally. You feel responsible for her well-being, while she refuses to take responsibility for it.

Even though she is telling you she wants you to have a life of your own, she doesn’t really mean it, because in her mind, it would mean like being abandoned and helpless and alone. I think this is the message she is sending you, either directly or indirectly: that if you leave, it will ruin her. And of course, it makes you feel tremendously guilty, because you don’t want to cause harm to your mother. You feel trapped, because you really believe that she won’t make it without you.

Would you say this is true?

Dear Lost1Flow,

I’d like to address something you’ve said about your family:

I had a chance at having my own life, with a man I really loved years ago, but my family kept me away from him. Now he’s married. How do I move past the resentment that they kept me (and continue keeping me) from a happy, normal life of my own?

Your family prevented you from building a life with the man you really loved. Since you feel resentment towards them, it tells me they have wronged you. Because he wasn’t a bad person, was he? You could have been happy with him, or at least you could have tried. But your family somehow convinced you to forego that marriage and stay with them, perhaps so you can take care of them?

Your mother says she wants the best for you:

She says she wants me to live my life, but at the same time she’s so dependent on me.

But let me ask you something: when you wanted to marry the man you loved, how supportive was she of that?

Dear Dan,

have you been affected by the recent “bomb cyclone”, like some parts of the US were?

Good to hear you’re planning to return to something you’ve loved since you were 6 years old: martial arts! The more of the enjoyable activities you include in your schedule, I think it will be easier to stay away from unhealthy habits… And of course, dealing with your core wounds would help a lot… Are you still going to therapy?

Happy New Year, Dan! I hope it will be a much better one than the year behind us. I too hope we can stay in touch. All the best to you!

I forgot to say: Happy birthday to you, Katrine! May this New Year be a really good one for you!!

Dear anita, happy birthday to you too! And happy New Year as well!!

Dear Hello,

you’re welcome. It’s good to hear all is going according to the schedule!

He’s still love bombing anc going into bouts of crying saying he doesn’t understand every so often.

When they don’t get what they want, narcissists often play the victim and accuse the other party. He’s not able or willing to understand why you’re leaving him. He is not owning any of his bad behavior and is acting as if he were the hurt party. As if you are doing something bad to him. That’s role reversal. Narcissists regularly do that: portraying themselves as the victim and accusing you (the victim) to be the actual abuser.

It’s extremely sad and disturbing at the same time to watch this level of mental illness.

I think the greatest problem with NPD is that the person refuses to admit there’s anything wrong with them. Instead, they blame and accuse others. That’s why there’s no hope for healing either, in most of the cases.

I had no idea just how severe it was until I became aware of his disorder.

I am glad that you finally saw it as it is. It does help tremendously when we can finally name and understand what’s going on, because as Dr. Ramani says: when we know what we’re dealing with, we can then act strategically. And that’s exactly what you’ve been doing since…

I will be free of it soon and so will my daughters. Luckily they were not affected negatively by him

That’s good to hear. So he hasn’t been putting them down, criticizing them, or manipulating them in some way?

Dear Katrine,

I am so glad that your Christmas went well, even better than you expected! And that you’ve been going out with your colleagues and that they have a genuine interest to hang around with you. They don’t reject you but in fact welcome you with open arms. That’s so precious and reassuring! And you even managed to do some small talk with the guy you like and didn’t get too anxious. These are all very good news. I am happy for you!

Your sister spreading lies about you is a hallmark of a narcissist. You wrote in another thread (Feeling betrayed), in April 2021, that you had two close friends, and one of them was spreading lies about you to the other. As a result, they stopped being friends with you, and instead became best friends themselves:

I had a close friend. We had been good friends for years, and never had an argument or so. But then that changed. We had made plans to meet up, but on the day I had a meltdown due to stress. I was so stressed out like just crying my eyes out. So I cancelled, and she said okay no worries. Then over the next few months I couldn’t really make plans with her, she kept backing out. I then called her to say if it’s about the plans that I cancelled I’m so sorry that i did it on the day and cutting it so close. She got angry and said it wasn’t that I cancelled, it was the fact that i did it on purpose to deliberately hurt her because I had been angry with her for a month. I hadn’t been angry with her at all or anyting like that. I told her the truth of what had happened that day, that caused me to have a meltdown. She didn’t believe me. She said a friend of mine had revealed my vicious plan to her and that she thought she had a right to know about it. I was in chock. Someone i trusted told lies to her behind my back, and my friend believed her over me. They have now become best friends over this, and I have been left an emotional wreck.

So this friend of yours who revealed your “vicious plan” to the other friend and caused the friendship to fall apart – was she influenced by your sister? Was it your sister who first spread lies about you to one friend, and then this friend repeated those lies to your other friend?

I remember that during the pandemic her and her boyfriend would drive the two hours to my parents (where I was living at home, after losing my job and everything) and say hi to us and then go for lunch at a girls house that I am no longer friends with because of my sister telling lies about me. Being exluded by the two of the closests people in my life (only had two friends and my sister back home) and for them to become best friends because of my sisters lies about me is so hurtful I can’t explain it. And seing my sister open a present from her on Christmas eve did hurt, but I maneged to not get too emotional.

This is horribly hurtful, and I am so sorry about it, Katrine. To lose two close friends because of your sister’s lies. But it also shows those two friends have some issues and blind spots, if they could believe your sister so easily. You did say that one of them is diagnosed with BPD, so that could be a reason why she believed your sister.

People with BPD are very black-and-white thinking, and so I can imagine she felt “rejected” by you when you cancelled the meeting, and believed that it was a proof that you “don’t like her”. When another person told her lies about you (that indeed, you’re a bad person and that you cancelled on purpose to deliberately hurt her), she easily fell for it, because she wanted to believe it. That’s how she saw the world – either with her or against her.

only had two friends and my sister back home

You had only 2 close friends, and they were also friends with your sister, right? You didn’t have friends independently of your sister? If so, it’s quite possible that they were all influenced and manipulated by her, and eventually served as her “flying monkeys”. Flying monkeys are people who believe the narcissist and blame the victim. Perhaps the girl who angrily called you after you didn’t come to meet-your-sister’s-boyfriend event is one of those 2 friends whom you’ve lost since?

I am so glad that you’re making new friends now, independently of your sister. And that they are good people who appreciate you and have good intentions towards you!

Dear SereneWolf,

Merry Christmas to you too! I am fine, thank you.

Well my TSH levels aren’t within limits 6.67 so (Ref Range – 0.4 and 4.5) (mU/L) That’s why I started the treatment

So it’s hypothyroidism… could be autoimmune disease too (Hashimoto syndrome). That’s why I’d check it on the ultrasound as well, just to be sure.

Okay so I spent some time with my parents and I can safely say they’re aren’t like before.

I am glad to hear that!

I used to think they just prefer to judge me all the time. But I think it’s because of the past patterns I’m thinking like that and I need their approval and I don’t want to disappoint them.

Yes, it’s because of the old patterns – they did judge you quite a lot in the past, and it sticks. It gets “engraved” into our brain…

But another thing is that now I don’t crave any validation from them. Which I think little better

But I do feel like fear of disappointment is still there

So you feel you don’t need their approval and validation any more, but you do fear you’d disappoint them?

Nowadays I’m feeling emotional and kind of anxious as well (I can’t think of a reason why) So I’m just telling myself to take a long breath and look how far you’ve come and be proud of that and take little steps from there…Everything will be alright

That’s a good way to soothe yourself. You’re having lots of compassion for yourself. And you’re telling yourself that everything will be fine, which is a good way to reassure yourself. So you’re doing a great job parenting your inner child!

No. His skills are more you can say face to face. And In email he’s not able to put up with well pointed like me.

Great! Glad you can manage it so well!

Because all person’s situations are scenarios are different and that’s why trying different things and implementation that’s what also gives you the confidence for that work you’re doing or the goal you’re going towards

Yes, I need to try it and see what works and what doesn’t… for me.