Dear Peace,

..because when i approched him and asked him if he interested now? he said he wants to focus on his study and doesnt want to be involve in anything …

Well, there is your answer about how serious he is/was about you: you asked him openly if he is still interested, he said no (giving his studies as an excuse), although in the past, he told you he wants to marry you and to let him know when you’ll be single again. He played this game of hot and cold more than once: he was cold when you were interested and available, he was hot when you were unavailable. This all shows he didn’t really want to be with you, due to intimacy issues, or attachment issues, or whatever.

i also think what if i made the right decision ,not to give him any chance when he came after 3 months of rejecting me ..

I think you made the right decision, because he has been playing this game of hot-and-cold with you for quite a while, and it’s a very bad sign. As I said, I think that even now, he is still not ready for a serious relationship, but is probably pressured to get married by his family.

i think about him sometimes and how he changed suddenly

His erratic behavior isn’t your fault, so don’t blame yourself. When he had a chance to be with you, he became very unfriendly and started ignoring you. As I said in my previous post, it could have been a defense mechanism because he was scared of getting into a relationship. He might have also been angry at you for rejecting him at first (because you were in another relationship), but if he truly loved you, he would have understood. He actually told you once he would wait for you, so his sudden change in attitude shows how immature he is. He also seems emotionally wounded too. In any case, don’t blame yourself for his strange behavior… it’s not because of you, but because of his issues.

i dont regret because i m with a wonderful person ,he cares for me ,loves me so much that i dont think anyone else could ever treat me like my husband does..he is very supportive ,listens to me when i say something…

That’s wonderful, Peace, I am happy for you. Your husband does seem like a very mature person, who loves you and cares about you a lot. It sounds like you have hit the jackpot with him! 🙂

i dont think so ,if my best friend would ever treated me like my husband does…

Yes, because your husband seems emotionally healthy, unlike your friend, who has some unresolved issues, which would make your relationship (if it ever came to it) much much harder.

Dear Peace,

Let me recap your history with your friend, to try to understand your situation better:

You were best friends, he was interested in you 2 years ago. He would flirt, talk and tease you, but “never asked for something official or even marriage”, so you assumed he is not interested in you romantically. However, when you got involved with someone else, he then “told me how much he likes me and wants to marry and he is waiting for me and that I should let him know when it doesn’t work out“.

When that relationship didn’t work out, you let your friend know and he started flirting with you again, but again, nothing serious:

Unfortunately The relationship dint work out. Than again this flirting went on ,teasing,talking all but nothing serious..

Then you got involved in another relationship, because you were “tired of waiting for something serious from that ”best friend”:

untill after months I got confused and someone asked me out in Germany..he was looking decent and of same culture.. i Started seeing him ,because I was tired of  waiting for something serious from that“ best friend“ ..

Now I think I understand better what happened here: you liked your best friend, had feelings for him, and were hoping for quite a while that he would finally propose. But he never did, although at some point (when you were in another relationship) he told you he likes you a lot and wants to marry you and will be waiting for you. However, he never followed through on that, because when you were single again, he never proceeded to ask you to marry him.

And then, in the summer of 2021, you met your now husband. Your friend reacted in his usual manner: once you were in another relationship, he expressed that he is serious about you:

As I was a bit busy with my full time job and my new guy .I was not interested in flirting with my friend… so again he told me how serious he is …

Well, this friend of yours seems to be very problematic: he was only “serious” about you when you were in another relationship. But when you were available again, he never did anything to show that his intentions are serious. He never made a serious move and offered you marriage. Which means he was never serious about you, but was fooling with you. Playing a game. If he had serious intentions – and had he truly loved you – he would have made his move.

But since you had a crush on him and would have said yes if he had proposed – I wonder if you have doubts now? That maybe you should have waited with getting married, and waited for this guy to come to his senses? When you asked the question:

why is it so that sometimes we know that we took the right decision but suddenly we start to doubt ourselves and our Decisions ??

Was it the decision about dismissing this guy’s false promises once and for all, and choosing to settle with your now husband? Are you now doubting this decision?

For what it’s worth, I believe you made a good decision by choosing your husband, and stopped hoping that your friend would finally propose. If he is serious about you now, I think it’s only because he is under pressure to get married (his mother wants to make an official proposal to your family). But otherwise, he sounds like an immature and confused person, who only shows interest in you when you aren’t available. I think it’s a very good decision that you didn’t wait for him, because I don’t think your marriage would have been a happy one!

Dear moonlight,

good to hear from you again, and thank you for your kind words!

I am 8 months pregnant and things are looking up for me I am so excited to meet my baby and have so much to do before the baby arrives, I’m so worried about getting sucked back into all of this drama which I extricated myself from in the last year. What do I say to my sister? Do I just ignore her or do I tell her I dont want to talk to her? I dont want to be hurt anymore by what she has to say, so I dont want to say anything that could make her hurl vitriol at me.

You are right that you want to protect your peace of mind and your mental health in the last month of pregnancy – so by all means remain firm in your decision not to meet your sister and mother/monster! Your mother doesn’t deserve it at all, she tortured you physically, mentally and emotionally throughout your childhood, and in your adulthood, she never expressed interest in you, never visited you, but only used you for doing her paperwork.

This is what she told you:

“So now that you’re married you think you’re better than the rest of us” and “Now that you married a rich guy you think you can just cut out your family like that” and “you dont deserve to have your own family because you treat your current family like crap”

She accused you of treating her and the rest of your family like crap, when in fact she was the one who treated you in most despicable ways, since the moment you were born. She accused you of cutting her out, when in fact it was her who cut you out from the rest of the family, from the time you can remember. She did a great injustice to you, and is still treating you despicably, so indeed the only thing to do is to cut all contact with her.

Unfortunately, your sister agrees with her, she is repeating her words about you cutting them out, and you treating them like  crap. When you opened up to her and explained your reasons for stopping contact with your mother, your sister didn’t have  any compassion or understanding for you, but accused you of being the guilty one.

I see no reason why to keep contact with your sister because she unfortunately is completely blinded by your mother’s narrative. Perhaps it suits her to have you as a black sheep in the family, so she can throw rocks at you and keep your mother’s wrath from turning on her.

I dont want to be hurt anymore by what she has to say, so I dont want to say anything that could make her hurl vitriol at me.

I understand that your sister’s words hurt you because you do love her and care for her, and you wanted a closer relationship with her. But unfortunately this is not possible, at least for now, until she is in her current mindset. Try not to take her offenses to heart – as in, don’t believe what she is accusing you of!

You are a good, kind and loving person, not a selfish and uncaring one, as your sister and mother are portraying you. You are the one who was reaching out and was kind to your mother all this time, but she was heartless and cruel to you. Now she is portraying herself as the victim, because you decided to not tolerate her abuse any more. You decided not to be a doormat, and this makes you a bad person in their eyes. Well, don’t trust that, moonlight, don’t believe their words! Know your worth and your heart – know that you are a kind, loving person – and you will be able to deal more easily with your sister’s accusations. It will be easier to stop all contact with her.

You can decide how to stop contact – whether to ignore her messages or to tell her something – but important is to stop all contact without having a sense of guilt. Don’t feel guilty about it, because it’s none of your fault. You have the right to stop contact with your abusers.

I wish you determination and strength. I think you love yourself enough to be able to do it. I am rooting for you!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Tee.

Dear ginn,

No, actually it is just a simple things like try to post a video on YouTube. When thinking about I have to use a lot of time to watch tutorials and don’t have special content, then it just stopped me to execute it.

Have I understood it right that you want to post a video on youtube, but don’t have a topic (a special content) you want to talk about?

I also thought of starting a business, then when I think that I have to use a lot of time to do research, it stopped me again. I guess I’m too weak at take action immediately.

Well, starting a business is a huge topic and not easy at all. It takes a lot of research and preparation. Do you know what kind of business you’d like to start?

Dear Javier,

thank you for responding. I am sorry you’re still feeling bad, but glad that you keep keeping on, that you are attending therapy and trying to help yourself. Are you also getting physical therapy for your left arm?

For now you may feel like you are in survival mode, but with time, I hope you’ll be able to silence those negative thoughts and feelings, and feel just a smidgen of love and appreciation for yourself… and that this will be a breakthrough for you, gray clouds parting and a patch of blue sky appearing…

I am sorry I can’t help you with concrete suggestions about how to feel better, but I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and rooting for you. I wish you a better and brighter New Year, and a slow but definite progress!

Dear anita,

thanks a lot, happy New Year to you too! Happy New Year, ginn!

Dear ginn,

When I read both of yours reply, I cried so hard. It felt like after a long time, someone finally understood me. Thank you for giving me a different perspective on this issue.

I am really glad you felt seen and understood, and that this conversation helps you see things in a different light.

I’m sorry to hear you had the same experience and I hope you’ve gone out from it.

Yes, it’s been a while that I am not too bothered by my mother’s criticism. I used to be very sensitive and tried to make her happy and pleased with me, but this was an impossible mission, so I gave up. I have much more self-esteem now and feel better about myself…

This also made me never seek help from others; I always tried my best to do everything on my own.

Right, because you thought asking for help means weakness…

I think that’s why I always choose to run and hide myself when someone criticizes me, and if someone criticizes me, it triggers a panic attack. Every time I meet anyone or a stranger, I have to be constantly on guard in case others will criticize me.

Being criticized probably just deepens your sense of “not being good enough” and feeling unworthy. To make things worse, you feel you have no one to turn to for support and consolation (since your father taught you that showing weakness is a failure), and this probably makes you even more anxious, leading to a panic attack. If you had a close friend whom you can share your fears and insecurities with, it would be easier… but since you don’t, it makes things more difficult. You feel like you have to sort it out on your own, and… it makes you panic. At least this seems like a plausible explanation to me.

I’m too afraid to meet my friends, my former colleagues, because I thought I’m too bad in everything.

I know the feeling. I too had a similar sense of shame, feeling inadequate, worse than others… and the fear that I’d be judged.

Yes, I did get in touch with the gentle voice, after I learn to stop thinking negative thoughts. There’s a small small voice telling me I’m good enough, is okay to fear or fail. I’m glad that it got some improvement.

That’s great! Just keep connecting to that voice as much as you can. Whenever you hear your inner critic getting loud with accusations, remind yourself that what it’s saying isn’t true, and that you are good enough, and that it’s okay to fail. And that vulnerability is an asset, not an obstacle.

I also think it would be important to have someone non-judgmental, whom you can confide in and be honest about your fears and insecurities. Your therapist can be such a person for you… do you feel free to be completely honest and vulnerable with your therapist?

Dear Ryan,

I was able to fly home for the week before Christmas to see my parents, sister, and daughter. It was a busy week but a pleasant one. I’m moving here in about a week and a half, so I’m been prepping.

I think I’ve misunderstood you in my previous post. Are you actually moving to your parents’ place till the time you’ll be required to return to the office?

You say your time with you family was a pleasant one. That’s nice. How are you feeling around your mother? Is she still emotionally reserved?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Tee.