Dear sossi,

you are welcome.

But my parents had full control of us from a young age. All i know is that ive always had this terrible low self esteem when it comes to demanding my share or my right or something, i kind of crumble, i dont even have that will to stand up for myself and perhaps thats because i was never given that kind of confidence at home.

That’s a really good insight. If your mom only “validated” you when you did what she expected from you, and if in other instances she put you down, no wonder you had very low self-esteem.

I get to a point where i trust the person im with and then they throw a curve ball and i feel intensely betrayed.

Your mother might have done the same: she might have showered you with love and appreciation when you behaved like she wanted you to, when you did everything to her liking. But when not, she would quickly withdraw her love and put you down. This might have felt like a betrayal to you (and it was a betrayal).

Its perhaps understandable that i often feel much better alone, exhausted from trying to read people´s intentions. Are they being kind or are they being sarcastic?

Perhaps your mother’s “love” was not just conditional, but very unpredictable too, because you couldn’t figure out when she would approve of you, and when she would lash out and attack you? Perhaps you never knew her intentions?

Why do parties for instance leave me feeling really depressed..going over everything in my head.

You often don’t understand what happened in your relationship, because you are probably attracted to people similar to your mother, who are blowing hot and cold, first adoring you, then abusing you (there could be weeks of very sweet and loving behaviour, next, telling you that youre the worst at this or just complete rage out of nowhere and its over.). It feels confusing, like with your mother. And probably they blame you for it – just like she does.

Some would deduct that my problems are a result of some form of autism but it just never occurred to me that it could simply be the result of emotional bullying from a young age, blocking the enjoyment part.

Yes, it was emotional bullying from a young age. It wasn’t your fault, you’re not autistic, there is nothing wrong with you. Rather, your mother emotionally abused you and then blamed it on you.

You might be interested in youtube videos by Patrick Teahan, who is specialized in healing the narcissistic injury. There is a great video of his, titled “Narcissistic Mother – Role Play – 3 Versions” (posted on January 27, 2020). You can see how a narcissistic mother reacts when her child asks her for support in a difficult time. You might be able to recognize yourself in it! Please let me know if it resonates…

Dear Felix,

So when you’re unhappy with ur full cheeks you didn’t do anything about it and just accept it?

No, I haven’t done anything surgical. But I started to starve myself and developed anorexia… which was a very dark period of my life. I had less chubby cheeks, but I looked like a skeleton… so I became less likeable and less pretty instead of prettier and more likeable, which I was originally hoping for.

As when i’m researching about chubby cheeks i saw most girls nowadays consult a beauty specialist to have their fat in their cheeks removed… and it really changed their jawline. Most of them are happy with the changes.

I don’t know much about it, but what I know is that there are many botched plastic surgeries, so I’d never take that route.

Dear Annie,

It’s been busy as I am currently working from home. But mentally and emotionally, I don’t feel okay.

I am sorry you don’t feel okay, but there is at least one positive thing: you have a job now. Last time we spoke, you were looking for one… Does it help you feel at least a bit more empowered at the moment?

Yes I know I can’t expect to get empathy and understanding from parents, and taking the personal development course, it makes sense why I get so triggered by their actions or lack of actions because of the many emotional core wounds I developed from my upbringing (which I am still learning about and trying to work on and I know will take many years to work on).

It’s good you are at least aware that you shouldn’t expect empathy and understanding from your parents, so you are open to looking for it elsewhere. Eventually the goal would be to give it to yourself – to have empathy for the little Annie who was treated differently than her younger sister, which made her feel rejected and unappreciated.

There is a really useful youtube video on reparenting, by Barbara Heffernan. Please check it out (look for Barbara Heffernan, title: Reparenting Yourself, posted on June 22, 2021). It gives a framework of how we can reparent ourselves, with or without the help of a therapist.

because of the many emotional core wounds I developed from my upbringing (which I am still learning about and trying to work on and I know will take many years to work on).

There is actually a limited number of core wounds that we can have, so it doesn’t have to be such a daunting task. Perhaps a part of the problem is that you believe there’s so much work ahead of you, so many issues that need healing, and this prevents you from even starting? But it doesn’t have to be so overwhelming. As you’ll see in the video, one of the first steps is to take better care of yourself (e.g. sleep, rest, and better boundaries with people), which you might be able to implement relatively easily.

Yesterday, I met up with my ex from 3 years ago since we’ve talked about meeting up but it kept being pushed back due to him being busy. After I came home from seeing him, I felt really sad and hurt. I didn’t think I’d cry after seeing him but I did end up doing so.

Would you like to share some more? How come you felt sad and hurt after meeting him? Were you hoping to rekindle the relationship and he wasn’t interested?

Dear Ilyana,

thank you for the update, I am very happy for you!

I am not depressed anymore. I am fragile, and very often bewildered. But I experience moments of joy almost every day. I am living the way I want to live.

This sounds magnificent! Would you care to share some more about your process of getting to this point over the last 4 months? I am so happy you don’t feel depressed any more (or manic either), and that you’re getting to experience real, grounded joy almost every day.

It’s also good to hear that you are very close with your son and able to provide for his emotional needs. Way to go, Ilyana!

Dear Anna,

don’t worry about not answering right way – you are busy and have many things going on right now in your life. Congratulations on becoming the finalist in a scientific writing contest and that you’ll have 2 of your articles published, while still being a bachelor. Well done!

Thanks for sharing some more about your childhood and upbringing. It’s great that you have such a deep insight about your relationship with your mother. And also, that you’ve healed most of it and aren’t susceptible to her criticism any more. Her attitude to dating and relationships served you well, but it may be also a double-edged sword.

Namely, your mother was careful not to date until you are old enough, so you wouldn’t get a false idea about relationships, and probably also that you wouldn’t be hurt by people coming and going from your life. That’s admirable. Once she started dating, it seems she immediately found the right guy, because she started dating when you were 16 (10 years ago), and you say she’s been with your step-father for 10 years. So for her, I guess the first time was a charm?

I wonder if this gives you some sort of pressure to follow in her footsteps – to find a stable, long-term relationship right off the bat? She set a very high standard, and you don’t want to disappoint her by being less than perfect in your choice of partners?

when you truly love someone, you’re supposed to do whatever it takes to fix everything which could be fixed before throwing away, right? We can’t be at our ups all the time and if your feelings for the person are real and as strong as you say they are, then you will stay by your partner’s sides for the better and the worst.

This is true – we aren’t supposed to throw people away without first trying to work on our problems. But there needs to be some reciprocity. If we are constantly pushing for the relationship to continue, while the other person is not really showing too much enthusiasm, often checks out, wants to take breaks, and questions their ability to stay in the relationship – then it’s hard to really work on it. There has to be willingness on both sides. Perhaps you were pushing it and wanted to save it partially also because you wanted to meet that high standard your mother set? She was never pleased with anything you did, and maybe this was a way you still wanted to please her (without even being aware of it)?

Just one more observation: it appears your mother and your boyfriend’s mother are alike – both highly critical and control freaks. So perhaps you felt seen and understood by him because you shared a similar experience? You’ve managed to largely heal from it and assert yourself, and you were trying to help him do the same… only he wasn’t ready and it seems he won’t be ready for quite some time…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.

Dear sossi,

I’ve been following parts of your discussion with anita, and she offered you a great perspective and a very likely explanation for the troubles you are experiencing in your life: your narcissistic mother. You asked anita:

So you think that everything i do and all the experiences i have now are basically stemming from the difficult relationship with my mother? I see the point. Maybe..its hard to correlate for me but i can see what you mean.

I too believe your experiences in your adult life are reflecting your experiences with your mother, both in your childhood and still on-going. Anita described it well on page 2, post No 387571.

Here are some false beliefs, that you concluded about yourself and other people, based on your unhealthy relationship with your mother:

I just feel like men are out to get you, like other women eventually all turn jealous and everything just goes sour. I want healthy relationships but it seems like im asking for the moon.

I worry that if i try to meet someone, i dont have really all that much to offer..no amazing social circle of happy people, no kids and no fun career.

You believe that all men are out to get you, that all women will eventually turn jealous, and that you don’t have much to offer. This is a direct consequence of growing up with a narcissistic mother. A person with a narcissistic parent has a very low self-esteem. They feel they don’t have much to offer because they were always ridiculed and put down. They’ve never received praise and validation because their parent always competed with them.

A narcissistic parent feels threatened by his/her children’s talents and successes, because it endangers their fragile self-esteem. That’s why they need to put their children down and ridicule them, so they would feel better about themselves. The child just never receives any appreciation or validation.

Someone asked me today what i dreamed of doing and i just couldnt think of it. I have feelings about what i like..im driven, hardworking , i like to make money…but passions? i feel a bit lost in the money making process…

Perhaps what was important to your mother was money and social status (including an “amazing social circle of happy people”, with your mother at the center of the circle, charming and dazzling them all, being the center of attention). You have been  striving to achieve what she finds important, never stopping to ask yourself “what is important to me, what are my values, what would I like?”

It’s no wonder, because your mother never stopped to ask you those things – it was only about what she wants. You didn’t matter, you weren’t seen as a unique individual but as a function of hers. You were there to make her happy, and it didn’t matter if it wasn’t what you wanted.

I am not writing this based on the exact things and vignettes from your life, because I haven’t read everything, but it’s what happens typically with children of narcissistic parents. It’s all about the parent, and never about the child. That’s why I believe you feel you don’t have much to offer, and you don’t know what your passions are, what you would really like, but you just follow what your mother expects from you.

I think it would be important to really become aware of how much you were programmed by your mother’s upbringing, and to start separating yourself from her world view and her wants and desires, and to start discovering your own…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.

Dear canary,

Yes, I feel less of a human because of my anxiety. Because I see everyone, like my peers and family not feeling the same anxiety I feel. … So that’s why I don’t feel normal sometimes, especially in public when I feel an episode coming. I micro analyze everyone’s behaviour and they all seem so nonchalant, but I’m the only one in the room bouncing my legs, feeling uncomfortable and changing positions, so I feel like everyone is watching me, even though I know no one is.

I know the feeling. I suffered from toxic shame, and it got particularly strong in secondary school. I would often blush intensely for no reason, sometimes simply sitting in class, listening to the teacher. I would start blushing on my my way to school and was constantly cooling my cheeks with my hands, because they were burning! I felt like a freak, and really so different than others, because everyone seemed to be relaxed and normal, while I was battling this demon. And I couldn’t talk about it to anyone because I had no close friends in secondary school, so I just suffered in silence.

Toxic shame for me was like anxiety for you – debilitating and something that isolated me from people. But what caused toxic shame wasn’t my blushing cheeks. Rather, it was the belief that I was to be ashamed of myself – a belief that my mother planted in me. I felt like a freak because of her constant criticism, and having blushing cheeks just “confirmed” in my mind that I indeed was a freak, abnormal and that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. Which is similar to feeling “less than human”, like you do.

I am trying to point out that you most probably don’t feel less than human because of your anxiety – you feel it because you were severely criticized by your father when you were a child:

he would constantly criticize me about little things that eventually became my insecurities. For example, he’d comment on my weight (I was very skinny), he’d comment on my height, my posture (I slouch), and little things like that. It made me insecure.

Constant criticism makes the child feel like a freak, abnormal, and less than human.

Basically, in my childhood he would tell me to focus solely on my studies, not talk to people about my personal issues (he even told me not to make friends), he would criticize me… and he did that because that was his way of raising me. He wanted me to grow up to be strong, so he would tell me things that he wished he was told as a child (focusing on studies, appearing confident, etc).

How can a child grow up to be strong if they are constantly criticized? He was like a drill sergeant and you were in a boot camp – he was beating you up metaphorically with his words, yelling at you, and this was supposed to toughen you up and make you strong. He was crushing you and your self-confidence, while believing this would help you. That’s really bad parenting!

You were supposed to appear strong and invincible, while inside you were falling apart. You were afraid, you didn’t know what to do, and you weren’t supposed to talk to anyone about it. Only to your mother. But she too told you to keep a front and pretend that everything is fine:

This is because he told me that I can’t trust anyone (same with my mother, she told me that as well), that I shouldn’t share personal information with others except my family.

Maybe she didn’t want to go to school to talk to your teachers when you were bullied because she considered it shameful that you’d have problems with it? Were their concerns along the lines of “what would the people say, how would our family look in the eyes of other people? In the eyes of the teachers?”

If so, you had the additional burden of keeping it hidden from others, pretending you were fine, while inside you were falling apart.

This is my summary based on what you’ve shared so far: first your father breaks you, makes you feel weak and insecure, and then he demands you to be strong.  While you mother demands from you to only pretend to be strong and not talk to anyone about your weaknesses. A perfect recipe for a mental breakdown, if you ask me.

You say your father has changed a lot in the meanwhile:

For example, he knows how I lack confidence and he tells me that I’ve been acting confident lately and that he’s glad I am.

The only problem is that you aren’t more confident, you are still anxious. But when you tell him that, he doesn’t acknowledge it:

When they ask me how I’m doing I say horrible, they say, “but you look better! You’re doing better.” but im not! even if I’m not hysterically crying doesn’t mean I’m not doing better. I’m just as sad and anxious as i was yesterday.

This kind of attitude – denying your reality, minimizing your struggle – isn’t really helpful. What would be helpful is if they paid for your counseling. So that you don’t have to rely on school counseling but have a real, quality support.

He tells me that I’m strong, I’m able to get through anything, he tells me not to worry (especially about school), he is literally telling me the opposite of everything he told me in my childhood.

It’s good he is telling you this now, but the damage is already done. You’d need to heal your childhood wounds, specially your lack of self-esteem. And you might need professional help for that – it’s not enough if your father tells you you are strong, while at the same time denying or minimizing your suffering. He had his chance to cheer you on, but he blew it. Now you need someone else to help you heal the damage he’s caused.

I don’t feel supported sometimes. I talk to my family about it and they do boost my confidence and support me but I’m looking for someone to understand my anxiety because that’s the main thing I’m dealing with.

Your family was involved in creating the damage, so now they can help you only partially. As I said, I think the best way they could help you is to pay for your counseling.

Also, have you thought about taking a break from school for maybe half a year, while working on your mental health? Because it seems you feel a great pressure to perform well in your studies, but find yourself unable to do it. This then becomes another way of beating yourself up for not being good enough, for underperforming and disappointing your father (not the current, more relaxed version of him, but his old self, who stressed the importance of school so much).

Dear moonlight,

I am so sorry you had to go through all that pain and torture at the hands of your own mother. She was a sadist and deserved to be prosecuted for child abuse, but unfortunately she got away with it. Did anyone in your family know about your abuse? Have your teachers noticed anything? I assume she threatened to beat you up even more if you dared to tell anybody?

I told her why I had to cut our mother out of my life but she gave me an ultimatum, either I maintain a relationship with our mother or she will no longer keep in touch with me. I decided that my mental health and the health of my baby was more important than catering to my mother’s every need.

If you’ve explained to your sister why you’ve cut contact with your mother, and she didn’t see it as a legitimate reason, but gave you an ultimatum, then your sister doesn’t have any compassion for you and was probably brainwashed and manipulated by your mother. Maybe she even thinks that you are lying about having been abused? How was your mother towards her other two children? Perhaps she tortured only you, while pretended to be a good mother to them?

In any case, if your sister isn’t supportive and doesn’t trust you, you should accept that and not agree to her terms. Don’t go back to talking to your mother by any means! Stay firm in protecting your own mental health and the health of your unborn son, even if it means letting go of your sister, at least for the time being.

You are doing great btw – you have a happy marriage and are soon to become a mother – so it seems you’ve come a long way and went through some serious healing in the meanwhile…