Hi Felix,

happy summer to you too 🙂 I am fine, although chronic knee problems have kicked in again, so this gives me some trouble. Other than that, I am fine, thanks for asking.

My mom has nothing to do with this, honestly. She didn’t do a great job with me, but she is a good wife, daughter, and even mother at times. This is a lot deeper.

Unresolved trauma from childhood runs very deep, it’s been proven. Volumes have been written about it. So don’t be so sure it doesn’t have to do anything with it. On the contrary…

I don’t have the answer to any of this. I just decided to concentrate on my studying, gym, biking. I’ve never felt so hopeless about something so silly like meeting girls. I wouldnt want to wish my frustration about this with anyone.

I understand your frustration. Totally. I am giving you a possible answer, though. A possible place to look.

PS. I am not looking to find the cause or blame mom or anyone else. Past is in the past. I am trying to disconnect from my primal urges for intimacy and relationships before they lock me away at a mental hospital.

Past isn’t in the past. Unless we process our childhood trauma, it’s right there in our adulthood, haunting us, affecting our lives in undesirable ways. We can’t escape it, other than suppressing and repressing it – which isn’t healthy. Don’t try to disconnect from your primal needs because they are valid. Rather, work in therapy through the trauma, through the pain, so you can be healed. There is no way around it, but through it.

I am not seeing a therapist now, but I will once my new insurance kicks in. This is just stupid and sad. I am angry at my self because it’s happening in my own head and I can’t stop it =((

Please do see a therapist when you can, and work on your childhood trauma. We’ve already spoken about it before. There’s a little boy inside of you who craves to be loved, and his craving is legitimate. Don’t be angry at him, but have compassion for him. The way isn’t to beat him till he’s curled on the floor and can’t utter a sound (which would be repression), but to tell him you’re there for him and that he deserves love.

Hi Damien,

if you choose to go, inform her about it on time. Tell her that you’ve been thinking of coming around Aug15 and ask her if that date suits her. Don’t go if she says “no, now is not a good time”. It’s important that she knows well in advance that you’re coming, and also that you don’t force anything that she isn’t comfortable with, including the date of your arrival.

Also, I think you should clarify the intention of your arrival. You may be honest and say that you’re hoping to talk to her and show her how much you’ve changed, but also that you’ll respect her decision if she doesn’t want to be with you any more. As anita suggested, don’t stay at her place, but book an accommodation, so that she doesn’t feel under pressure.

I know you want to show her how much you’ve changed, but it’s equally important to show her that you respect her boundaries and her wishes.

Dear Felix,

Today i’ve tried exercise in my room using the dumbbells… i do the exercise while watching youtube… so i can follow the moves…

Great! Try doing it every day, consistently. You can also buy a mat (or do it on a carpet) and do some push-ups and similar exercises.

Is it normal for my age to still be confused on what i want? Even after finishing my degree…

It’s pretty common. The more insecure we are about ourselves, the more confused we are about what we really want in life. In order to know what you want, you’d need to be in touch with yourself more. And you can do that via meditation and mindfulness practices. The goal is to go within and to seek wisdom from within – from your inner voice – rather than from the outside. Because no one can tell you what’s right for you – e.g. to go study abroad or not – only you can.

You can have various pros and cons, and spend months weighing on them, and exhaust yourself in the process. A better way to come to a decision would be to feel (in your gut) whether this is something you are drawn to do, or not. Whether this feels right for you, or not.

That’s why I’d suggest that in addition to physical exercise, you do some form of meditative practice, where you simply connect with your breath and your body, and become more attuned to your internal sensations. Little by little, you’ll start feeling more in touch with your inner voice and your intuition.

As for my career… what path do u think will be good for me? I never really impress girls… i really wanna be a person who could impress my partner in the future…

As I said, only you can know what career path is good for you. As for impressing girls, you want to be able to impress them with your good character, your self-confidence, your empathy etc… You don’t want to attract girls who’re only impressed by your money or status. So don’t aim to impress girls, rather aim to develop yourself, because that will give you a greater chance to find a suitable girl, with good character…

Dear Javier,

these are all good news, both that you feel a bit more positive and motivated, that reading helps you distract yourself from negativity, and that you’ll be attending therapy. It’s good you’ll be treated for PTSD, which should help you deal with your physical symptoms too.

As for your recurring  nightmare, it could be similar to how you felt as a small child – all alone, drowning in your fear and pain, and no one there to help you. Now it’s almost like reliving the same old trauma, only with a twist, because now you’re blaming yourself… I believe dealing with the childhood trauma will be crucial in your recovery. But, take it easy, one step at a time…

You’re making the necessary steps, you’re open to change, and that’s most important. I am rooting for you! And please, keep us posted!

Dear OrangeHeart,

And i feel guilty that I’ve ruined their mood or made them upset or offended.

When was the first time you noticed that you feel upset for demanding things for yourself, for expressing your needs? I am asking you this because I believe it stems from your childhood, and maybe it’s not just that you saw this behavior in your father, and adopted it, but also perhaps you were made guilty for having normal needs of a child? Perhaps your mother was very needy (you said in your previous thread that she behaves like another child), so you felt guilty for having needs of your own? Or you even felt the need to take care of her and make sure she’s okay?

Dear DeJana,

you’re very welcome. It’s good to hear that you have a better relationship with your mother now, and that she is allowing you to wash the dishes or help with the household. So it wasn’t so much about you not being good enough in her eyes, but perhaps about her need to control her living space/her household, and through that, have some sense of control in her life?

There could be a similarity with your boyfriend, because he too suffers from obsessive behaviors. And most probably he too does it in an attempt to control his surroundings and that way, reduce his anxiety.

I have the same thoughts myself and a good friend of mine also has the opinion that I seek a man to guide me. Furthermore he finds that a lot of women he knows show this behavior. What do you think?

I think it depends also on the culture we are brought up in. In some cultures women are brought up to follow man’s guidance, in others not so much. It would be best if we could all learn (and be free) to follow our inner guidance, and make decisions based on that… We can ask mentors and coaches (and well-meaning family members and friends) for advice or opinion, but the final decision, specially in important issues in life, should come from within. At least that’s what I believe…

And my parents concerns with studying medicine were appropriate. It is not that I am not intelligent enough, but there are other parts of my personality that not quite fit in those stressful work ethics.

Are you still studying medicine? Do you see a possible field/specialization where your work wouldn’t be so very stressful?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Tee.

Dear Javier,

I’m trying to count my blessings, but I have been suppressing and denying all positive feelings. I have learned to feel loneliness, hopelessness and shame. The feeling of failure is there continuously, and I have been struggling with a low to complete lack of self esteem. I want to change this, I want to live again. Please let me know if it’s possible!

You first need to forgive yourself, Javier. Your self-condemnation is keeping you at the bottom of this dark pit. It’s what led you to attempt suicide.

We’ve talked about it before. Your life started with pain, you grew up with pain, and none of it was your fault. All the “mistakes” you’ve made later (and which we all make in this or that form) are the result of that original pain. When you blame yourself, you’re blaming that little boy for simply being a child, for having normal needs for love, affection and safety, like every other child. You’re blaming a beautiful, innocent, helpless little child, who just wanted to love and be loved. Can you see that, Javier?

I am praying that you see and accept that, and start practicing self-compassion and self-forgiveness. Because that’s The Way to new life…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Tee.

Dear shane,

you feel your purpose is “to speak about things that happened to me and I struggled with and try to educate new generations about them.”

For that purpose, you feel you need to travel from city to city? Is that why you keep moving?