Dear Javier,

I’m working on my self-confidence and my inner child by positive affirmations.

That’s good, just keep doing it!

My psychiatrist claims it’s due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, but why do they think medications will solve everything?!

I don’t know much about psychiatric medications, but as far as I know, it’s sometimes beneficial to use them in combination with psychotherapy. If you’re unable to self-regulate in spite of therapy, and are e.g. crying all the time, or having physical symptoms such as hyperventilating, in other words, if you aren’t able to function normally – that’s when medications are recommended. They won’t solve everything, but could enable you to calm down enough to be able to function more normally, and start working on your issues in therapy.

If there is a magic pill that can cure and heal my brain, why haven’t they given it to me earlier? I’m going crazy, I don’t know what to do.

You feel you’re going crazy because your nervous system is so overwhelmed, and you don’t know how to help yourself. Since simple self-soothing methods, such as putting one hand on your chest and the other on your belly, didn’t really work and you easily get overwhelmed, I believe you would need to consider medications. Not something to numb you completely, but as a means to take off the edge of your anxiety and let you function normally and work on your issues in therapy. I don’t know if something like that would be possible and acceptable to you?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear DeJana,

From this relationship I learned to value criticism a lot. It is important for me now to look for the people who can be blunt and harsh to me when needed, because sometimes we need to get things said and friends are often way too polite in order to keep peace and don’t hurt feelings. …  But we should know to listen to the constructive criticism given to us and people who care to give it are important. So I am thankful to my boyfriend, because he indeed taught me important things, gave me some very good advices. Really.

It appears you value your boyfriends’ advice and guidance, as well as his honest feedback, on many issues. This could be because you didn’t receive advice and guidance from your parents, but only their veiled criticism, e.g. your mother not letting you wash the dishes because they are “too dirty”. Or your parents not supporting your choice of college (medicine), because you weren’t such a good pupil, so they were afraid it would be too much for you.

You are in need of constructive criticism, but what your boyfriend is giving you seems more like toxic criticism. His 2-hr monologues of why he is right and you are wrong, his berating you for the slightest mistake, his obsessive behaviors (hoarding, as well as obsessive care of his car) – all point to a serious problem. His criticism isn’t constructive, but toxic. That’s why you whither when living with him…

It could be that you have an unmet need for a healthy parental guidance, and that’s why you’re attracted to some of his qualities. But his guidance and his behavior isn’t healthy unfortunately, and my impression is that he is doing you more damage than good.

Dear Javier,

As I have hit the lowest possible point in life, and every breath is painful, I’m just waiting for my body to give up on me.

You’ve survived and are able to communicate, even though you took a dose large enough to put you in a vegetative state. This to me is a sign you’re not meant to die. God doesn’t want you to die. You are such a kind soul. You are asking us to keep helping those in need. As Sarah said, you too could be helping people in need with your unique story and your unique spark.

I see so much light in you, Javier. Instead of waiting for your body to give up on you, pray for your body to be cleansed as soon as possible from those toxins. Detoxification is possible. Regeneration is possible. New life is possible. Even when we’re at the rock bottom. Please have faith.

You are needed. And you are loved. That’s the ultimate truth, beyond all the pain you’ve experienced. Please trust it!

Dear Javier,

I second everything that Sarah said. You didn’t let us down. You tried to end the pain because you didn’t know how else to stop it. But God didn’t want you to die. He has a different plan for you. He wants you to live. This could be a turning point…

I am so glad you’re still alive and talking to us. You are a beautiful soul. I really mean it. And I am praying for you to feel a ray of hope, just a tiny ray of hope and relief in your pain. Pray to God to take your burden away, to lighten the cross you are carrying. Pray for just a tiny bit of help… and wait, it will come. I know, help always comes to those who have faith. Have faith, Javier, it will be better.

I too am praying and rooting for you. You are not alone.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

No, he never made me feel infrrior about my looks or appearance .

That’s good. But you already felt inferior before, and perhaps being with him made you feel a little better about yourself? Like it boosted your self-esteem a little?

I was happy knowing that i am with a famous guy

I’ve already asked you this, but did you feel like you’ve won a lottery with him, and that you have to give your best (and accept however he treats you) in order not to lose him?

Yes, he was. I was happy knowing that i am with a famous guy

Maybe you were idolizing him a little? Maybe you thought you were lucky to be with him, perhaps lucky that he chose you?

How did he treat you – did he make comments about your looks, or say anything that would suggest he feels superior to you?

Dear Richard,

I remember once in my mid-twenties I was really struggling. I called my mom and broke down on the phone. I told her what I was dealing with went all the way back to when I was a kid and I began to tell her some of the stuff my brother would say to me. She said had she know he was saying things like that she would have stopped him. I remember saying on the phone to her “how could you not have known!?!?!”

Exactly. Didn’t your brother use to tease you in front of your parents too? Or he was careful to do it only when they weren’t around? Do you remember ever complaining to your parents about him, or you thought they would notice it by themselves?

In any case, that’s pretty severe that they haven’t noticed, and that your mother only found about it when you were in your mid-20s. By then, the damage was already done, and even though your father is very supportive now, there’s still the little boy inside of you, terrified of your brother and feeling totally alone and helpless. You’d need to work on his healing…

I just would have liked them to have been more cognizant of what I was feeling growing up and possibly have gotten me some professional help.

Right. They haven’t noticed that something’s going on with you when your grades dropped, you became withdrawn and stayed home most of the time. They should have noticed it, even if you didn’t say anything. Perhaps their excuse is that they had 4 children to take care of, although by the time you were in junior high, your 2 eldest siblings were already adults and required less attention… So I don’t know what the reason was of their negligence. But don’t be afraid to spell it out: they were negligent. It doesn’t mean they were bad parents altogether, but they failed to notice that their son was suffering.

I have been tempted to tell my dad about the cruel things my brother used to say to me growing up, but part of me feels like it would make him feel like a bad dad.

Right… it seems you’d rather protect your father from possible pain than protect yourself from pain…. maybe that was the reason why you were reluctant to complain to your parents about your brother’s bullying – because you thought that by telling them you would cause them pain and distress?