Dear canary,

you’re very welcome. It’s great to hear that you’ve signed up for free mental health courses and have found a support group. Also, that you’ve talked with your mother about it. It’s really good that you can be so open with your mother, and that she understands and supports you in getting help for yourself.

As for needing a counselor, if you had a bad experience with it, better don’t go to just anyone. First you may try self-help and participation in the support group, and you can see how you’re feeling. If you feel better and are managing to keep your anxiety in check, perhaps you don’t necessarily need a counselor. If you feel you need extra help, you may ask the people in your support group to recommend someone good, who won’t immediately prescribe medications, but will use other techniques (since you had a bad experience with medications).

So if I were you, I’d go step by step, see if I can help myself, and if not, then seek a professional – but someone who suits your needs.

Dear Annie,

They NEVER put this pressure on my sister, would is 20 turning 21. When she would throw a tantrum or show her discontent, my mom just let it go and never yell and nag at her for hours.

They would rather pay someone else to help them than ask her.

Now I understand why what I suggested above (to teach your sister how to fill in the forms, and then inform your parents that she too is able to do it from now) – wouldn’t really work. They would rather pay someone else than to disturb her. She uses a smart defense strategy: she throws a tantrum and that’s how she keeps them at bay. She doesn’t have any remorse or any sense of guilt for not helping them. And so she’s off the hook.

You on the other hand have a sense of responsibility and a strong sense of guilt if you don’t help them. And they are using it – they are using your sense of duty, your care and conscientiousness to do what they want you to do. I could imagine that even your mother nagging you to get a driver’s license is because she’ll be using you to drive them (or your sister) to places. It seems  that your parents unfortunately don’t see you as a person with her own needs and wants, but as a function to them. And you, because of your good heart and your sense of duty, are allowing it.

It’s time to take that course, Annie, and start respecting yourself and learning how to set boundaries. If you could live separately from your parents, that would be great too. Physical and emotional separation is what you need, because otherwise you’re going to burnout. Those chest pains and physical problems you’re experiencing are a sign of burnout, I believe. You need to take care of yourself, and not sacrifice your health and well-being for them.

I root for you to start the process of self-care. One step could be to set aside time for taking that course… And also, let them pay someone else to do those tasks. Start respecting yourself and caring about your health.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.

Dear lk09,

I am sorry to hear your job situation is still the same 🙁

I don’t feel too good these days. As the marriage thing is progressing, I find myself afraid of men and the mere thought of being with someone again is giving me stress. Life consists of only my job currently and since even that is messy so I find myself out of energy and unable to participate in anything.

Are your parents still sending you profiles of potential candidates? Perhaps you can tell them that you’re stressed with work and don’t have either physical or mental strength to think about marriage at the moment. If they send you profiles of potential candidates, don’t even look at those if they cause you additional stress…

How about potential scholarships abroad? Are you still interested in that?

Dear Candice88,

I am working on some of it in therapy yes, but I have not pursued therapy with someone who focuses on childhood trauma.

Do seek someone specialized in childhood trauma, because that’s where the core problem lies…

I would love to not be in love with my ex anymore, as that would make the whole process a lot easier.

When you said that, it occurred to me there are similarities between S and your mother: 1) they both made you feel unworthy and also guilty for the fact that they mistreated you, and 2) you wanted closure with both of them, even though they both hurt you badly.

You said about S:

We have so many memories here together that flashbacks came involuntarily, and given my problems with M I began to wonder if some closure with S would help me move forward.

And now with your mother:

When I tried bringing up some of the things I mentioned to you, as a way to seek closure,

The child always hopes that the parent would finally understand how he/she hurt the child, and as a result, that the relationship would improve. Because it’s painful to be separated from the ones we love, not to be able to express our love freely, not to enjoy a deep bond which would be normal and natural, and which is normal and natural in some families.

I too recently tried to explain to my mother how she did give me everything materially, she took good care of my physical needs, but emotionally she wasn’t really supportive. And she rejected it, claiming she was a good mother. But there was still in me a glimmer of hope that she would finally understand, and that we could embrace lovingly, that I could embrace her freely without putting up a wall to protect myself from her. But it’s not possible – I still need to keep that wall up to protect myself from her condemnation and judgment.

So, when you sought closure, you might have wanted something similar: for your mother to understand you, to admit her  mistakes, and remove the barrier between the two of you, so you could have a loving relationship with her again. But it didn’t happen, and it rarely does, unless the parent is working on themselves too.

With S, you sought the same: that he would finally understand what he did to you… And lo and behold: it seems S does understand you and has admitted his mistake, which leaves (at least in theory) the door open for a loving relationship. S did what your mother couldn’t do: he admitted his mistake and even expressed that he loves you.

This is a dream come-true for an abused child: to have the “parent” finally admit their mistake and love the child. That’s why your feelings for S are so strong – because your inner child sees him as the perfect parent, a parent who will finally give the little girl that you were all the love and care in the world, and have all of her needs met. For your inner child it’s heaven, it’s everything she has ever wanted. And now it’s being taken away from her…

But you’d need to realize that your strong attachment to S is in part fueled by this child-parent dynamics. You still feel like a  child, who needs someone to save you. This someone could be S, but he isn’t available, and now you feel like you’re doomed. This is the little Candice’s reasoning.

The adult Candice would need to understand that only she can save herself: that she needs to become the loving parent to her  own inner child. Even if S would agree to do that, and would enter in a relationship with you, it wouldn’t last long because it would be like a parent-child relationship, not two equal adults. And it would be doomed to fail, sooner or later.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.

Dear canary,

do you also own an animal, or more of them? It makes sense you’d think of animals as soothing, because as children we all have our teddy bears and other stuffed animals. They are soft and fluffy are great for soothing and caressing. Perhaps you can buy a big teddy bear and hug him whenever you feel anxious thoughts coming up?

I think it would help a lot if you did some of those exercises for reducing anxiety, e.g. by Therapy in a Nutshell, at least till you’re waiting for counseling. Once you get a counselor, you won’t feel that alone and helpless anymore, and it will be easier. And as I said, perhaps try finding an online support group, if that’s something you’d feel comfortable with.

Dear Annie,

well, how about teaching your sister how to do it (fill the forms etc), and informing your parents that from now on, she too can do it. If she refuses to learn it, you can blame her for not wanting to help them. Because she is most probably equally intelligent as you, it’s only a matter of will vs laziness (you can mention that too). I think this attitude might give her a headache and she wouldn’t be able escape doing her part of the job any more 😉

Dear Annie,

I have actually started taking a personal development course on healing emotional wounds but just haven’t had time to do any of it because I’ve been so busy with work.

That’s great! By all means do that course – find a time for it, clean your schedule, it will be a game changer!

I feel like if I confront them, they will be offended. It’s easier for me to confront them in English than my native language and because of the culture, I don’t think they will understand.

What exactly are you afraid they won’t understand? According to your culture, are you as the eldest daughter responsible to single-handedly help them, while your younger sister is spared of all duties?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.

Dear Candice88,

He hasn’t been to therapy. A mutual friend confirmed that he regretted the break up months after it happened, and that she told him how he messed up. According to him he hasn’t been hurt by anyone after me, so I think this is what started the contemplation for him.

It’s interesting that he didn’t need therapy or some sort of a crisis to realize those things, but okay, everybody is different…

Yes, I’ve had depression since childhood. But as an adult I was able to be truly happy, until the cheating with S and Japan. The self esteem issues that came at that time definitely harkened back to my childhood issues. However, I was very stable and happy before S and I even got together, and I also lived with confidence and ambition before then.

Right… it seems that due to depression in your childhood, S’ cheating and his behavior afterwards really hurt you badly, so much so that you developed panic attacks and PTSD symptoms. It sort of pushed you back into the old trauma…  Would you like to talk some more about the reasons of your depression in childhood?

No, with M it’s not cocaine, but similar. He seemed down to earth, sympathetic, calm, and generally wholesome when we first got together. He and S actually have very little in common.

Is there anything in common between S and M? Or perhaps M seemed like the opposite of S (calm and humble, as opposed to ambitious, self-confident and high-energy?), and this is what attracted you to him?