This is the Universes’ way of letting you know these losers are not for you. It is a gift really because usually it takes much longer for people to figure out who has no character or depth. Keep smiling and regarding these men as the shallow insensitive boys they obviously are. Laugh and say, Well,if that is the case, then I won’t waste your time. Then walk away…far away. No use trying to find anything positive in something so blatantly myopic and unkind. There are men who do not lack depth and someday you will find one.

Detach from them…live on your own, and spend Very little to no time with them. You can’t change them and while they are certainly not healthy, there is nothing overt that you can charge them with. Placing boundaries means making space away from them and going on with your own life. Nothing they can do, as an adult, can hurt you. You surround yourself with happy, healthy people and limit any time you are with them. If they ask why…tell them the truth. They might get mad, but at least you have your say and can respect yourself. I know you love them but unfortunately, they aren’t treating you with love. Therefore, in the name of self preservation and happiness, feel compassion but make space.

Why do you feel guilt? Why are you so depressed?

I am sorry you are hurting. Perhaps next time only date within your own religion so that you can marry the woman. It isn’t unusual for a woman to want her lover not to go home and be arranged in marriage to someone else. She wasn’t controlling, she was wanting the usual rights of someone you were supposed to love. Nine years is a long time for a relationship to be so casual you are going home for arranged marriages and dating. That is so messed up in so many ways for the woman. It is good she moved on as you two were not healthy for one another. You can’t be half in and half out of a relationship. You chose your family and religion and that is fine but don’t blame her or feel bad towards her or call her controlling because she wanted to have a normal relationship with you where you moved forward and got married. Any woman who wants a family would do the same. Let her go. Move on to a nice Muslim girl your family will like and wish your ex the best in her new life with the man who is finally building a life with her and marriage. Her moving forward is a very good thing. Leave her alone and respect her husband. It is over. If you been able to get out from under the influence of your family and religion, you would have done so already. Stop leading her on and let her be happy. There is a Muslim woman out there for you so find her and be at peace.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Tir.
• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Tir.

This too shall pass. This is a part of grieving for what could have been. Read this too.http://tinybuddha.com/blog/nothing-will-be-enough-if-relationship-isnt-right/

Well, you gave Jeena very good advice, Steve. Be direct. Be open hearted. He was probably hurt when you didn’t reciprocate, Jeena, so only a heartfelt approach will mend his feelings. Steve, don’t give up, you are going to find the right fit for you. I thought my right fit would never come and he did. He wasn’t hard to get either and neither was I. It was easy and has been for twenty years. We are still madly in love and he is the kindest man, full of joy.

Snails, that was my line of thinking also and so much better written than I could have hoped to do. Pleasure is a word of degrees and I have found that other people’s pleasure isn’t necessarily my own and people who are inundated with it do not necessarily appreciate it so it isn’t really pleasurable anymore but an expectation or entitlement. I find most pleasure in nature and basic things as you described. Thank you for sharing.

Absolutely. We cannot move towards a new relationship until we repair the hurt and pain within ourselves. If you still. Feel even a modicum of resentment or hurt from your ex wife (and who wouldn’t?) then it will affect how you process relationships. Will every woman be like your ex? Is my behavior a catalyst to how others perceive me?
Steve, I think you really hit the nail on the head when you said you ned to be more complete in other areas of your life. Putting all of our focus and attention on an area where we feel we have failed is a trap. You concentrate on love relationships because you feel so dejected and broken over your divorce. That is normal. You now can see that it isn’t about getting a love interest but finding the things in life that makes you the joyful and whole man you once were. When you become healed from your resentment and pain, when you focus on the joy in your heart because of your well rounded life, women will be attracted and drawn to you for the man you are in a healthy place, not the man you are from a broken place.