Hi B,

You’re welcome! If I may ask… how did he get in contact with you again after you’d changed your number and moved?

I can understand where you’re coming from and why you feel that element is missing. It’s hard when you don’t feel close to apparent and especially when you feel that parent is abusive. That’s definitely something to work through with your therapist, too, especially if you’re still feeling resentment toward your father.

I think another thing you can also do that might help is read blogs and articles and watch videos on how to find that love within yourself. I know the idea of finding the love that you feel you need from another within yourself might seem weird, but it’s possible, and once you’re able to give yourself all of the love you need, you won’t be searching for it elsewhere, and it will likely give you the desire to actually back away from that unhealthy relationship because he will no longer offer you any benefit.

Maybe check out some of Kyle Cease’s videos. I went through a pretty devastating breakup a little over a year ago and figured out that I had quite a few fears and insecurities left over from rocky relationships in my past, and Kyle’s advice sort of helped me let go of that old story I kept telling myself and find what I needed within.

Another thing to do would be to accept that this man cannot give you the love that you desire, so attaching yourself to him (which is what you’re feeling now… an attachment) will not help you at all. I think it would help to read some articles and blogs on how to detach until you find something that really speaks to you. I also had to do this with my ex… I just Googled “how to detach from someone” and started reading until I figured out what might work for me and started trying different things.

Overall, though, be gentle with yourself. It’s an ongoing and sometimes slow process, so give yourself time and keep working on letting go of him.

He was acting very much into me from the beginning and I felt some of my bondaries were crossed. Also I don’t like that he wants to take a lead in our relationship as I feel pressure from his side. I am afraid that these are signs that he will be possessive and controlling further in the relationship. I don’t know if I should discuss my point of view with him or it’s he way he is and I should let him go. I know his father is controlling.

As far as I can tell, you have two options here:

1. If you really like him and it’s worth it to you, you could discuss your feelings with him. If he does not react well or does not understand how and why you feel this way, let him go. It’s possible he doesn’t realize that this is controlling behavior and isn’t okay but would be willing to make a change. I do find it odd that he feels the need to know where you are all the time, especially so early in the relationship, so I’d say that’s a red flag. It could be controlling or it could be him satisfying his own curiosity.

2. If your feelings are iffy on him and you’re not sure whether you like him or not, I would just let this one go. I agree with what Inky said in this case.

Well, if anyone gets how you feel, it’s me. I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot lately too, and I wish we were able to talk more. I feel like there’s so much I want to tell him (mostly just random non-relationship stuff. He was my best friend). I would love to send him a message, but I also know that doing that would throw me backwards and make me miss him more and start reading into everything he does and says, and I still think he needs to come to me if he’s ever serious about wanting to be in my life again…. and I think the same goes for you, too.

I totally get how frustrating this all feels and that it would be so much easier if you could just let go and get over her completely, and I also get the feeling of just having this sense that there’s more to the story… that you will be together again. And I think it’s okay to feel those things. I also don’t think it’s something people can understand unless they go through it themselves. It’s just a different type of love, very intense but also comforting and somehow intuitive, so it’s a hard thing to get over because, once you’ve felt it, it’s hard to feel happy with any other type of love relationship.

The key here is to be gentle with yourself. I’m expecting to have these thoughts and feelings right up until I either somehow end up back together with my ex or meet someone else who gives me the feelings that he did. The same probably goes for you, there, too. You can’t help how you’re feeling. It’s just how you feel. So instead of fighting it, just embrace the fact that you are still capable of loving someone even after they hurt you and that she gave you something you needed, and you’ll probably feel this way until you meet someone else who gives you that feeling you need. Sometimes acceptance of those things helps with some of the suffering because you’re not fighting yourself so much. You should still do your best to curb the thoughts and redirect your focus, but try not to get so frustrated with yourself when you do think about her. If you keep having a hard time curbing the thoughts of her and keep feeling frustrated, though, it might be time to see a therapist for help with that. Even just for someone to talk to. Just probably go to a different one this time if you felt like the last one you saw didn’t help.

I watched part of a movie this weekend on Hulu about a guy who gets invited to an ex-girlfriend’s wedding. He goes to it, but he’s still very much in love with her and spends the whole movie daydreaming and being sad and awkward, and it would be awful to be that guy.  So although you should accept your thoughts and feelings about her for what they are, it’s also a good idea to keep working towards seeing the situation for what it is at the current time and working on putting it in the past.

Wow! I think it really says something, too, that your daughter noticed that you’re more yourself when it’s just you and her and away from the house. Living in that situation is not helping you in any way, no matter how much easier it would be on your girlfriend if you could live together. Your home should be the place where you feel the MOST comfortable.

I also think it’s great that your daughter felt comfortable enough to come talk to you about how she was feeling and that you listened well, took her seriously, and gained insight from what she said. That’s a really good thing. It was BAD on your girlfriend’s part to try to say she is overexaggerating and just wants attention. I am so glad you didn’t agree. It’s hard for kids to talk to their parents about issues like that because they don’t want to hurt or disappoint their parent, so it is so good that you reacted to her the way you did and then took active steps to help improve the situation and that will really show your daughter how much you care.

I think that once you get out of this situation, if you take the time to focus on your relationship with your kids, really focusing on the love and attention you give to them and get from them, as well as fix any issues you feel like you want to improve about yourself, it will work wonders on how you’re feeling… and as a bonus, that kind of love and attention from a parent will really help to set them up to have good relationships in the future with other people.

I also don’t think you need to kick your girlfriend out the minute you say something, but she needs to know how you’re feeling so it will hopefully kick her into gear on finding a place to live and she won’t be expecting to just keep on living with you. And she may not like being at her mother’s, but if her mother has got extra rooms, that means your girlfriend DOES have a place to go, and being at a place that she doesn’t want to be living will likely spur her to work harder to get out of there.

I know you’re feeling very guilty, but remember that your girlfriend has also been playing a big role in why this relationship isn’t working out.

Your situation oddly gives me insight into my own, as well. I think clarity helps, too, when it comes to feeling better and letting go because it helps you to understand what really happened and that maybe it really was necessary at the time. I just know that if you want a true love to come into your life, you have to deal with your issues first and then make room for it. Without the space, it won’t come. Dating the wrong person takes up that space.

Hi Elizabeth,

I think, most of all, it’s important to be patient with yourself and the time it takes to feel better. I say give yourself at least a solid year to work through everything, possibly longer given the duration of time you two were together, but it may take even less than that. There’s no way to know, so just try not to get too upset with yourself for not being where you want to be emotionally yet. This stuff takes time, and it’s okay that you aren’t feeling 100% yet. You’ve been through a big ordeal.

It’s definitely good that your job is forcing you to be social though. Getting out and talking people has been proven to improve mood so I’m sure it’s doing you some good, even when you’d rather not interact with anyone. When I was first trying to get through my heartbreak, I’d often get out to see local bands play as much as possible because listening to live music makes me feel really good. Sometimes that would be the ONLY time I’d feel good. So if you notice that any certain activity makes you feel happy, try to do more of that, even when you don’t feel like it. And attention-wise, when you’re not ready to date yet (which is totally understandable in my opinion), just going out on the town, flirting, feeling that attention, and then going home and getting a good night’s rest works wonders. Also, fill a desire for attention in other ways, like by meeting new friends and deepening relationships with like-minded people (that you can meet if you find any hobbies you enjoy that meet in groups). I know that might not be something you feel like doing right now, and that’s okay, but it’s an idea.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Valora.

Do you know if he wants children? Adopting is always an option if you can’t have them and want them. If you’re both 39, though, it might not even be on his mind as that’s kind of late in life to start having kids, so you might find that that won’t be an issue with him at all anyway.

Do you think you might be focusing more on reasons that he might not want to be with you than focusing on reasons why he DOES? He has been with you for a long time, so he clearly has lots of reasons why he is choosing to be. Maybe taking some time to write down all of the things you think he might like about you or that he’s told you he likes will help you reframe how you’re thinking.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Valora.

alibro991,

It’s my impression that when you go through divorce proceedings, your husband would have no choice but to split assets. If he doesn’t want to sell the house, would he not have to pay you for half of it if it were acquired during your marriage?  The only other problem is divorces are very expensive, and with having no money as it is, I can see how that would definitely make things difficult. Do you have any way to get enough money to be able to go through the proceedings?

Hi Sparkle,

I just read your other thread where you said the following:

Right from the start of our relationship I’ve had a problem very insecure about other women. Whether I would lose him to someone else. The last month we have started to fight verbally about it. He tells me if I just control worrying about other women it will be fine between us.

Those fights and your worries alone will cause someone to doubt you, especially if he, himself, hasn’t given you any reason not to trust him (for example, if you don’t have any evidence that he is interested in any other woman and it’s likely more fear/insecurity on your part). If you’ve been fighting about this a lot lately, it’s likely going to make him feel like you are incapable of trusting him, and if he is trustworthy, he will not want to be with someone who can’t trust him.

Also, lots of people who are jealous feel this way because they are doing things they shouldn’t be and they are afraid their partner is doing the same…. I’m definitely NOT saying you’re doing things you shouldn’t be, but that’s a concern that people have when their partner starts to get jealous when they don’t deserve it. In other words, he may he having doubts that you’re trustworthy because you don’t trust him.

So…. if your guy is trustworthy and if this is something that is coming from your own fears and insecurities, the best way to deal with this is to do some soul searching and figure out why you’re feeling this way. Challenge those feelings, thoughts, and beliefs on this that you have. Change the way you think. It’s good to be cautious when you’re first getting to know someone, but once you learn someone can be trusted (which you should always do BEFORE you enter into a relationship with the person), you have to be able to give them that trust. If you feel you can’t trust them, you definitely shouldn’t be in a relationship with them.

And most of all, remember that everyone is different. Your current partner is not your previous partner. Just because things may have happened one way in the past or might have some familiarity to your current situation, that doesn’t mean that’s what’s going on now. Our minds like to connect things and think all these fearful thoughts as a way to protect ourselves from feeling pain, but instead we end up self-sabotaging great things.

So remember: The past can warn us not to make the same mistakes in the future, but it cannot predict the future.