I think that what you most need to do is to find a way to find all of the feelings that you get in a relationship in yourself.  It might seem hard to believe but you can feel happy and fulfilled and not at all lonely even when you’re single, as long as you’re filling your life with other things you love, like fun hobbies that you enjoy, creative activities, learning new things, spending time with friends and other people you love, helping people, or whatever it is that makes you feel happy. Doing those things rather than focusing on your ex will bring you a LOT more joy.

There is also absolutely nothing wrong with being single, and not being in a relationship doesn’t make you a failure, no matter what your ex is doing. Try not to focus on him at all. I know it’s difficult, but it helps to just redirect your mind and especially don’t look at pictures or videos or texts. Just focus on you and doing the things you enjoy, whatever things allow you to grow into the person you want to be.

Honestly, from what you’ve described, it sounds like you can do way better than your ex, but you have to heal yourself first and learn to be happy on your own. Then a relationship will come along with a man who will treat you the way you want to be treated, who will be fully invested and ready for a future.

The biggest point to take away from this is: Find the love you need within yourself and you’ll never feel like you’re lacking love.

Often, when we are obsessing about something, it means we are getting something from that thing that we are not finding in ourselves. Ask yourself some questions about what you are getting emotionally from being around her or talking to her and how that is making you feel and see if you can find some of those same feelings in something else… maybe a hobby you enjoy or in helping people. I like to read self-help stuff when I’m feeling emotional about things.

Addictions and obsessions are often due to lack in some area so take some time to yourself to figure out what that “lack” is that she is filling and then see if you can find other healthy ways to help fill it.

Thanks Valora – she may have some fear of commitment but I have no idea to be honest.  I was as genuine as I could be and do wear my heart on my sleeve so if I like someone and want to be with them then I will make that clear.  Perhaps that did scare her off as we did spend so much time together in such a short amount of time.  Perhaps she wanted to take a step back and slow it down which is why she said she felt it was more of a friendship connection.  Maybe this is something I will never know.

She definitely could have put some walls up after ending things with her ex as I do believe he didn’t treat her well which is why she ended it with him.  I know she has been single for a year which is when she broke up with her ex and has only started dating again in the last month or so, from what she told me she had been on a few first dates but nothing more than that until she met me and we spent all the time together over the last couple of weeks.

I had hoped though that with me being 38 and her 37 that we were both on the same page in wanting the same kind of things from a relationship.

The thing is… you can’t really expect things based on age. I’ll be 37 in 3 months, which isn’t too far in age from you two, and I can see myself backing off the way she did just because I also need things to move slowly and 2 weeks is fast to be thinking about commitment. I need at least a good month or two of hanging out (depending on how often we actually see each other) to really be sure whether I want to commit to someone, and I think if someone was trying to push that, I’d say I want hang out as friends, too.

Also, when you’re single for a year and start dating again, it feels really weird. The second you start to like someone again it can almost feel wrong in a way and you start second-guessing your feelings and you want space to think. So in the future, it might be a good idea to maybe reframe your mindset, let yourself be okay with backing off a little bit and be content with being friends for just a while to see how it goes. It gives the other person some space without feeling any pressure so if there ARE fear issues there, they have a chance to work through them while you get to know each other better. If, while you get to know each other, you end up forming a deep connection, they might just decide they like you a lot… but they won’t have that chance if you cut it off before you two have the time to develop that connection.

And then there are times when you just know you’re not really into the person, and this could be that, too. There’s no real way to know.

I agree with Anita. You should end things immediately, and you are under no obligation to give him an explanation. I usually feel the need to explain myself, too, but I’ve recently had to learn that sometimes it’s just better not to, especially when it comes to someone who is narcissistic because any explanation you give him would likely fall on deaf ears anyway and will just end up causing you more stress. I now prefer to be like Mary Poppins, who says…. “I would like to make one thing perfectly clear… I never explain anything.”

My ex that cheated on me all the time also constantly accused me of cheating or wanting to cheat or would question every little thing, and I fully believe they do that because they think you’re doing to them what they’re doing to you. It’s really all the more reason to cut ties with him.

As for the other girl, because you don’t know her, it will be tricky because if she doesn’t have any idea of how he really is, she’s not going to want to believe you. I was told by multiple people about my ex’s cheating (with several different girls!) and I always defended him until I finally found out the truth, so it’s likely you’re going to have to have some sort of proof that you were together while they were together, but being that you lived together until very recently, that should be fairly easy.  I just know that I would definitely want to be told if my boyfriend had another girlfriend.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Valora.

I have been in a similar situation before, and I can tell you that I did tell the other woman and I’m very glad that I did. My boyfriend had been lying to us both, so what I did after I talked to her was I picked her up at her house and then she and I went to his house together. This happened about 17 years ago, but it was an experience I will never forget and I have never regretted doing it. We did not give him a chance to lie to either one of us by confronting him separately. I’m not suggesting you do this, especially if you don’t know the woman (I knew the girl he was cheating with), but it definitely creates a situation where he cannot tell separate lies.

As far as him not feeling remorse, if he is a narcissist, he’s not going to feel any remorse no matter what you do or how you handle the situation. All blame will be directed at you and the other woman and the friend (if he finds out someone told you) because they cannot accept any blame for themselves, and that is not at all your fault and not something you can avoid. That’s just how they are. I wouldn’t even worry about it and would just write that off and never speak to him again after you end this situation. It sounds like it will be good riddance!

Thanks Mark for your reply. I just feel bad that I wasn’t ever good enough for him. I have seen the way he is around his friends and when he is with me, he is all serious and has nothing to talk about. He did try to take out time for me but at the cost of what? I am scared that I will invest my time in this and he will end it six months down the line.

This doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, it just likely means you aren’t a match. Not being a match with someone has no bearing on your value as a person, though. It just is what it is… which is completely neutral. Maybe thinking of it that way will help you to feel better?

I agree with everyone else that it’d be a good idea to move on. When you are with the right person, you will click better. When you are together, you’ll have things to talk about and he’ll be just as engaged in the conversation as you are. There are a ton of signs here saying that he just isn’t your guy and there is someone out there who will be a much better fit for you.

But be careful not to pressure someone into voicing intentions of a marriage commitment to you specifically too soon (making sure they aren’t against marriage in general is a good idea though). They can assure you of a future with you until their face turns blue, but that doesn’t mean they won’t dump you 6 months later. So try not to get too attached to needing that because it really doesn’t mean much until they actually propose, even if they give you assurance and mean it when they say it at the time. Things change sometimes.

I’m sort of with Mark on this one. Basketball is a seasonal sport, so is he only this obsessed during the season? Is it something that will end for several months once the season is over?  How long do the games generally last and can you plan to do something else during them that you enjoy doing?  People get engrossed in hobbies all the time and, who knows, you may eventually find one that you want to spend a lot of your time doing because you love it so much, and you’d probably want the same support from him. If you both have hobbies that you can each enjoy during that same time period, even separately, it could actually enrich your relationship.

Now, if it gets to the point where he isn’t paying attention to you at all or it’s the off-season and he can’t pull himself away from it even then, then I can see it becoming a bigger problem.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Valora.

Definitely talk to him about your concerns but do it in person rather than through text. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that serious conversations like that should be avoided through text because it’s hard to convey tone. At the very least, talk to him over the phone if you decide not to see him in person, but I think your concerns are valid otherwise. Does it say when he signed up for the site? Is it possible he did it shortly after you two broke up as sort of a rebound, “getting back out there,” type of thing or has he been active on it recently?