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Valora

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Viewing 15 posts - 376 through 390 (of 485 total)
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  • in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #276453
    Valora
    Participant

    Yes! Your ex really probably doesn’t know at all what she wants, which is just all the more reason it’s good you’re not with her right now. Hopefully someday she figures herself out.

    I commented! You’re struggling, but I feel like things are looking up for you and they will be looking waaaaayyyyyyy up if you can get yourself out of your current situation and back to where you can just enjoy your life without all of these other stressors that you shouldn’t have to be dealing with. That alone will help you a ton. I’m sure of it.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Valora.
    in reply to: I feel like i ruined my girlfriends life #276451
    Valora
    Participant

    I know I’ve told you this a bunch, but I’ll say it again because I second Inky’s advice.

    You are not responsible for her leaving her old place and moving to yours. She made that decision for herself in a brand new relationship, which was a TERRIBLE decision on her part. Meanwhile, you were still grieving a relationship and she knew that even then, right? Terrible decision on her part.

    I also highly, highly doubt that even if there wasn’t the mess with her kids and her work and your ex that you would feel any differently because there is still the drinking and the co-dependence on her part, neither of which are healthy and both of which would eventually drive you just as nuts. The fact that she put up with being second to your ex AND drilled into your head over and over that you’re the one for her despite the fact that you are in love with someone and AND the fact that guys fought all the time just screeeaaams co-dependence. It’s not going to be a healthy relationship even if everything else was perfect because she is way too dependent. If she were the type to have the independence that you wish she had, she would not be in this mess in the first place and she wouldn’t need you to constantly help her.  If she doesn’t have a very good job, she likely now qualifies for at least some government help being that she is a mom of 2. Make sure she doesn’t put you and your kids down on the paperwork. I’d have her try to get that to get back on her feet.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with leaving this relationship and leaving her to deal with the mess that SHE made (because she’s an adult capable of making her own decisions and needs to take responsibility for that), and you would be smart to leave.

    in reply to: How to stop guilting over family expectations? #276311
    Valora
    Participant

    I think it helps to know that you have no control over people’s expectations of you, and you do not have to yield to them just because they’re expected. Other people are not you and cannot always see where you’re coming from or how much you have on your plate, which can cause their expectations of you to be higher than they realistically should be. It’s important to take care of your own needs first, and that is not being mean or unfair, it’s just good self-care. And good self-care is EXTRA important when you have a newborn. Being a new mom can be a very stressful thing and requires you to do quite a lot of adjusting in your life, so I don’t think the length of time that you offered was unreasonable at all.

    in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #276309
    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, I don’t think your girlfriend COULD block her if your ex already had her block because your girlfriend wouldn’t have been able to get to her account to block her. It’s weird that your ex decided to unblock your girlfriend though. Why even bother checking up on your girlfriend if she’s “DONE.” Makes absolutely no sense.

    At any rate, she’s acting very, very immaturely and, in my opinion, she most definitely hasn’t done enough growth where a relationship would work for you two yet. You guys would probably end up having the same problems. So it’s good that you still have her blocked and are just trying to focus on what you’ve got going on with your current situation.  Hopefully your girlfriend will get a huge tax refund and that’ll help her to get back on her feet. If she does end up moving out, I wouldn’t even bother with seeing each other because you’re already taking a step backwards and it’s highly likely there is someone out there who is a better fit for you than both of these women, and being single will give you a chance to find exactly what you’re looking for, so I’d make a clean break of it, if I were you.

    in reply to: Twin Flames? #276037
    Valora
    Participant

    I find twin flames interesting. I’m not sure if I believe it’s really a thing or if it’s just a really, ridiculously good connection that people have sometimes but that still follows the curve of most relationships in that there is a honeymoon phase, then the part where you settle in, and then the breakup that most couples go through when things get tough… but it just feels more intense or like something different because of the deep connection. I do think the idea can be dangerous because it can keep someone holding on for much, much longer than they ever should because they think the connection will bring the person back, and I’ve seen people absolutely obsessing over this idea, which is never healthy.

    But I think the closest I’ve ever felt to what they describe would’ve been my most recent ex. I’d actually first read about twin flames when I was still with him. We were just drawn together like magnets when we were near each other. When we’d hug, I could physically feel a sensation like my heart was “lighting up” or glowing (or a feeling like a “heartgasm” for lack of a better term. haha), and he felt like “home” to me. I’d never been with anyone who made me experience those feelings, so I went searching around the internet to figure out if it was just an intense love (I haven’t been in a ton of relationships) or something else. I still think we just have a really deep connection and were a great match for each other, but the troubles of life got in our way and we didn’t handle it well at all.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Valora.
    in reply to: Crazy emotional blockages, unhappy & alone #276003
    Valora
    Participant

    I think that what you most need to do is to find a way to find all of the feelings that you get in a relationship in yourself.  It might seem hard to believe but you can feel happy and fulfilled and not at all lonely even when you’re single, as long as you’re filling your life with other things you love, like fun hobbies that you enjoy, creative activities, learning new things, spending time with friends and other people you love, helping people, or whatever it is that makes you feel happy. Doing those things rather than focusing on your ex will bring you a LOT more joy.

    There is also absolutely nothing wrong with being single, and not being in a relationship doesn’t make you a failure, no matter what your ex is doing. Try not to focus on him at all. I know it’s difficult, but it helps to just redirect your mind and especially don’t look at pictures or videos or texts. Just focus on you and doing the things you enjoy, whatever things allow you to grow into the person you want to be.

    Honestly, from what you’ve described, it sounds like you can do way better than your ex, but you have to heal yourself first and learn to be happy on your own. Then a relationship will come along with a man who will treat you the way you want to be treated, who will be fully invested and ready for a future.

    The biggest point to take away from this is: Find the love you need within yourself and you’ll never feel like you’re lacking love.

    in reply to: I got in touch with a girl I cut contact with 5 years ago? #275983
    Valora
    Participant

    It sounds to me like you two were terrible at communication, but you were young. She recently said she likes the idea of you trying something?  Do you two live in the same country now and close enough to each other where you would be able to have a relationship?  If not, I would just let it go. If you DO live near each other now and you have grown in the past 5 years and understand why it was wrong to end things in the way that you did without having any kind of discussion with her on the way she felt, it might be worth getting to know each other again…. with no expectations. If you really have changed, she will see that as you two get to know each other, and her fear will likely dissipate, but you will have to prove with actions (not words) that you have grown and would not do that to her again… that even if things don’t work out, you two will have a conversation about it and you won’t just disappear. If you don’t think you can do that, definitely just leave her alone.

    in reply to: How to stop obsessing over gf #275733
    Valora
    Participant

    Often, when we are obsessing about something, it means we are getting something from that thing that we are not finding in ourselves. Ask yourself some questions about what you are getting emotionally from being around her or talking to her and how that is making you feel and see if you can find some of those same feelings in something else… maybe a hobby you enjoy or in helping people. I like to read self-help stuff when I’m feeling emotional about things.

    Addictions and obsessions are often due to lack in some area so take some time to yourself to figure out what that “lack” is that she is filling and then see if you can find other healthy ways to help fill it.

    Valora
    Participant

    Oh yeah, I’m not saying you did anything wrong at all while you were with her. It might not even have anything at all to do with you. When I’ve done similar things, it’s because I got in my own head and started questioning and overthinking what I wanted and didn’t want and what I was ready or not ready for… so it was my own fears and not anything the guys had done. They could’ve been 100% perfect and wonderful and that wouldn’t have mattered, as sad as that is.

    When she stopped texting, it’s likely she just felt like she needed to back off. Whether that was temporary while she worked out how she was feeling or if she had just lost interest and was trying to ghost you, I don’t know. I think it sounds like you did what you felt was best and stayed true to yourself, and that’s a good thing, especially since you know you can’t be friends with someone you feel strongly for. It would be a good idea to just move on from this one and find someone who might be a better match.

    Valora
    Participant

    Thanks Valora – she may have some fear of commitment but I have no idea to be honest.  I was as genuine as I could be and do wear my heart on my sleeve so if I like someone and want to be with them then I will make that clear.  Perhaps that did scare her off as we did spend so much time together in such a short amount of time.  Perhaps she wanted to take a step back and slow it down which is why she said she felt it was more of a friendship connection.  Maybe this is something I will never know.

    She definitely could have put some walls up after ending things with her ex as I do believe he didn’t treat her well which is why she ended it with him.  I know she has been single for a year which is when she broke up with her ex and has only started dating again in the last month or so, from what she told me she had been on a few first dates but nothing more than that until she met me and we spent all the time together over the last couple of weeks.

    I had hoped though that with me being 38 and her 37 that we were both on the same page in wanting the same kind of things from a relationship.

    The thing is… you can’t really expect things based on age. I’ll be 37 in 3 months, which isn’t too far in age from you two, and I can see myself backing off the way she did just because I also need things to move slowly and 2 weeks is fast to be thinking about commitment. I need at least a good month or two of hanging out (depending on how often we actually see each other) to really be sure whether I want to commit to someone, and I think if someone was trying to push that, I’d say I want hang out as friends, too.

    Also, when you’re single for a year and start dating again, it feels really weird. The second you start to like someone again it can almost feel wrong in a way and you start second-guessing your feelings and you want space to think. So in the future, it might be a good idea to maybe reframe your mindset, let yourself be okay with backing off a little bit and be content with being friends for just a while to see how it goes. It gives the other person some space without feeling any pressure so if there ARE fear issues there, they have a chance to work through them while you get to know each other better. If, while you get to know each other, you end up forming a deep connection, they might just decide they like you a lot… but they won’t have that chance if you cut it off before you two have the time to develop that connection.

    And then there are times when you just know you’re not really into the person, and this could be that, too. There’s no real way to know.

    in reply to: Should I tell the other woman? #275503
    Valora
    Participant

    I’ve always felt the need to give someone an explanation as to why I’m ending my relationship with them but this is a unique circumstance…. I just don’t know what to or how… Should I do it in person? I feel more comfortable ending it over the phone.  Can I just say this is over? and then not give him an answer when he asks why?

    If you feel more comfortable doing it over the phone, then definitely do it over the phone. HE is the one who betrayed YOU, so you owe him nothing in terms of socially acceptable ways to break up.  So, yep, you can just tell him that it is over and offer no further explanation.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Valora.
    in reply to: Should I tell the other woman? #275499
    Valora
    Participant

    I agree with Anita. You should end things immediately, and you are under no obligation to give him an explanation. I usually feel the need to explain myself, too, but I’ve recently had to learn that sometimes it’s just better not to, especially when it comes to someone who is narcissistic because any explanation you give him would likely fall on deaf ears anyway and will just end up causing you more stress. I now prefer to be like Mary Poppins, who says…. “I would like to make one thing perfectly clear… I never explain anything.”

    My ex that cheated on me all the time also constantly accused me of cheating or wanting to cheat or would question every little thing, and I fully believe they do that because they think you’re doing to them what they’re doing to you. It’s really all the more reason to cut ties with him.

    As for the other girl, because you don’t know her, it will be tricky because if she doesn’t have any idea of how he really is, she’s not going to want to believe you. I was told by multiple people about my ex’s cheating (with several different girls!) and I always defended him until I finally found out the truth, so it’s likely you’re going to have to have some sort of proof that you were together while they were together, but being that you lived together until very recently, that should be fairly easy.  I just know that I would definitely want to be told if my boyfriend had another girlfriend.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Valora.
    Valora
    Participant

    Do you happen to know how long she’d been single or if she has any fears as far as dating/commitment goes… perhaps might have some walls up? I can see that making her want to pump the breaks, especially once any sort of emotional connection starts to form, and 2 weeks is not enough time to get past that stage.

    I’m also one that doesn’t believe in the friend zone, though. I’m 36 years old and have most definitely fallen for some of my best guy friends in the past, but it took time to build up the connection. Just being friends, even when you feel a connection, is not something everyone does or can do though, and you both have to go into it with zero expectations of a romantic relationship developing, so if that’s not something you can do, it does sound like you should take what she said at face value and just move on because there’s no telling whether she was pulling back because of fear or because she really just wasn’t feeling it.

    in reply to: Should I tell the other woman? #275459
    Valora
    Participant

    I have been in a similar situation before, and I can tell you that I did tell the other woman and I’m very glad that I did. My boyfriend had been lying to us both, so what I did after I talked to her was I picked her up at her house and then she and I went to his house together. This happened about 17 years ago, but it was an experience I will never forget and I have never regretted doing it. We did not give him a chance to lie to either one of us by confronting him separately. I’m not suggesting you do this, especially if you don’t know the woman (I knew the girl he was cheating with), but it definitely creates a situation where he cannot tell separate lies.

    As far as him not feeling remorse, if he is a narcissist, he’s not going to feel any remorse no matter what you do or how you handle the situation. All blame will be directed at you and the other woman and the friend (if he finds out someone told you) because they cannot accept any blame for themselves, and that is not at all your fault and not something you can avoid. That’s just how they are. I wouldn’t even worry about it and would just write that off and never speak to him again after you end this situation. It sounds like it will be good riddance!

    in reply to: Very confusing relationship… #275177
    Valora
    Participant

    Yes I do feel that way.    Now that I’m a mother I don’t understand it.     But especially I don’t understand manipulation.

    My mother has little empathy.   I have an over abundance.    That’s part of it I think

    With empathy comes understanding, though. Chances are, when people hurt others or do things with little to no regard for the feelings of anyone else, they have some deep-seeded issues, and the worse their actions, the more likely it is a mental illness, such as a personality disorder.  Their actions generally aren’t right, especially morally, but they’re understandable in that case (although that still does NOT make them excusable… it just means they likely need help).

    I don’t think any of us could actually diagnose this guy specifically without knowing him, but he definitely has some issues, and it’s a good thing to trust your gut when you feel something isn’t right. It’s good that you were able to pick up on that and I’m glad you aren’t with him.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Valora.
Viewing 15 posts - 376 through 390 (of 485 total)