Tinyzebra, I can relate so much! And let me tell you, I felt a surge of admiration for you when you noted that you deserve more than you were getting from this relationship. What strength you have! In my experience, what you are feeling is quite “common” as far as wishing he’d call and then beating yourself up for wishing that in the first place. I think it’s important to keep in mind the things that troubled you while you were in the relationship. And yes, it was a relationship, whether you officially defined it as such or not. While you don’t want to dwell on negativity, sometimes it helps to keep a realistic perspective instead of focusing on those happy moments you had with him. My relationship ended in December, though it was a very painful last year+ before that. For my birthday in April 2013, my partner gave me a journal. I was excited to have a forum to write my hopes, dreams, daily gratitude. To express my creativity. Instead, it turned into a 160 page catalog of all the pain, sorrow, anxiety, frustration and disappointment I experienced in that relationship. I had it right before my eyes, this relationship was ALL WRONG. Yet it’s taken me the last six months to feel even remotely “normal” where I’m not crying every day, obsessively checking my phone to see if he’s texted, hoping each email will be from him, etc. I, too, wanted that grand apology. But I think you get a pretty good sense of who a person is and how they operate in a relationship after the amount of time you spent with him. I don’t think people change that dramatically, at least not without tremendous work on their part. So even if he were to call and say he made a mistake, would you just be setting yourself up for more of the same if you went back?

You may find this link helpful: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/should-i-give-him-a-second-chance-or-a-3rd-4th-20th/ Everything on the Baggage Reclaim site is really great. Though I am trying to limit my time on there and even on this message board because while I think it’s good to commisserate and relate to have my feelings validated, I don’t want to miss out on the joy of life right before me while I spin my wheels in my head about my relationship and my ex.

Hang in there. It DOES get easier, I promise.

Hi Rachel,
I can relate. I think Matt hit the nail on the head here. Your partner is deflecting. I was in a similar situation where I started to catch my boyfriend in little lies here and there. One particularly vulnerable night, I snooped into his Facebook account and found he had developed a fixation (I would call it an “obsession”) on a girl half his age he had met at a bar one night. I confronted him and he continued to lie over and over about it and then would “drip feed” me the truth. Months later he would then claim he was “honest” after I dragged little kernels of truth out of him through repeated conversations. Anyway, for months, he would not admit he lied. Then later on he admitted he lied but said he “didn’t mean to or want to” and that it was because of the way I approached things that made him lie. His lying was a “reaction” to the way I confronted him on issues. I found the whole ordeal very invalidating. Like you, I understood my breach in violating his privacy, but I firmly believe we need to trust our intuition. Something didn’t feel right and that’s why you looked at his phone. Like Matt said, he needs to take accountability for his role in it. The bottom line is that no, you shouldn’t have snooped, but I agree that your partner’s infraction was far more serious.

I am likely overstepping a boundary with my final point, but please reconsider actively trying to have a baby with this man until your relationship is on more stable footing. The proverbial biological clock keeps ticking, but you owe it to your future child to provide a loving and healthy home.

Hi, S.R. I don’t know if your dinner was for the same day (yesterday) or if it hasn’t happened yet, but I would strongly suggest you do not follow through with it. Based on what you’ve told us, I don’t think it will go over well. He responded poorly to you telling him you don’t trust him – telling him you “forgive” him for something he doesn’t even find any personal responsibility for will likely lead to similar results. You’re not expecting any understanding from him, so why bother with the dinner meeting at all? You can still forgive him within your heart without verbalizing it to him. Forgiveness means letting go. Just my two cents.

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the timeline of your story. Was she “best friends” with this guy while you were together? Or are you saying that you broke up with her and then within that 4-5 months she became “best friends” with the guy and started dating him before you got back in touch with each other? To me, that seems pretty quick to establish a deliniation between when she was “best friends” with the guy to when they “started dating”. My perception would be that they developed a relationship through work which became personal and then romantic. I think hanging onto the “we were best friends first” thing is giving herself an excuse to drag this out. Especially when you say that it was commitment issues on her part that led to your breakup in the first place. Has she changed? It doesn’t seem that way based on what you’re saying. I agree with your friends – if her feelings are genuine, what’s the hold up? If she’s attached enough to the other guy whom she started dating just because she was “lonely” that she can’t let him go, I don’t understand how she could feel that strongly about you at the same time. You need to follow your own heart, but I would have a tough time trusting this woman.

Hi Shellie,
As I was reading your post, I thought a lot about a website that I’ve turned to in trying to recover from my breakup. It’s called Baggage Reclaim, and this particular post might help you out:

Boomerang Relationships & The Yo-Yo Girl

There are a lot of good posts on that site if that particular one doesn’t exactly fit your situation.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and won’t let these guys interfere too much in your life, so try not to let them occupy too much of your thoughts.

Just throwing in my two cents worth here, but I would encourage everybody to stop focusing on “diagnosing” their ex/partners. Was it narcissism, depression, avoidant personality, schizoid, etc? Think about yourself and what your needs are in a relationship. If the relationship is over, or if you have made a decision to end it but have yet to carry through, it’s no longer important what personality deficiencies or mental health conditions your (soon to be) ex has. That is all on your rear view mirror now. Focusing on the other person just perpetuates the idea that they have control over your thoughts and emotions.

T, I really feel for you as I know from experience how difficult it is to let go of someone you’ve invested so much heart and soul into. Know that you are doing right by you and have the courage to carry through on this difficult journey. Des described a lot of the same feelings I went through when I recently ended my three year relationship. There will be ups and downs to be sure.

A book I have recommended that helped me really think about how difficult it was for me to leave is “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person” by Howard Halpern. The title and use of the word “addiction” is a little sensational, but the case studies he shares and analysis of “attachment hunger” that leads one to stay in an unfulfilling relationship really resonated with me.

To expand on what Al has said, in the words of Mark Twain:

“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it — and stop there — lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.”

You haven’t failed at anything. You gave a girl a gift, which she rejected in a very cold and immature fashion. Seems to me you dodged a bullet here.