““What other people think about you is none of your business.” It’s their deal. Be you.

“I’ve tried to break up with my partner three times, and all times unsuccessful. Why? Because I can never find the right words to say.”

There is no perfect thing to say to end a relationship, and if you say the “right” words you’re given permission to leave but if you don’t, then you have to stay. That’s not how it works. Maybe you feel it’s unfair to your partner to leave the relationship without explaining it fully. I respect that about you. But at the same time, you are not doing him any favors by staying out of obligation or guilt. Set him free to be available for someone whose heart and soul wants to be with him. Sometimes these things can’t be put into words, you just feel it in your gut. Trust your feelings.

On the other hand, to play devil’s advocate, are you sure you want to leave? It’s never easy, but are you allowing yourself to stay because you have some unsettled feelings? If you’re sure you want to go, then it’s going to be difficult but I would advise you to be true to yourself.

Ace,
I can see how this whole situation is plaguing you and I feel very much for your situation. You are distressed. I urge you to call a crisis hotline if you are sincerely contemplating suicide. As far as the dog situation, I would try not to focus on who is “right” and instead look to solutions. Placing blame won’t help you or the dogs. Perhaps you are feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of continuing to take care of the dogs. That is understandable but please only consider euthanasia as a last resort if these dogs are healthy. There are many families who would love taking a dog into their family. Post an ad or contact a local no-kill shelter. You have options.

I’m not sure what kind of feedback you’re looking for. You said you’re done with him, and “NEVER IN LIFE” want to be with him again……….. so……… are you looking for help moving on? This reads like a rant. It’s great to get things off your chest, but I don’t understand what your question is, or if you even have one.

Lenne, I too was moved by your post. I think The Ruminant gives you great advice. I’d encourage your “start” to be talking….. surely you talk in your day to day life. How about speaking the lyrics to your favorite songs? Maybe even without the music – start by simply reading the lyrics off a sheet of paper. Then maybe add the music but continue to merely “speak” the words. You could also try humming along until you feel the courage to really belt out the tune with abandon. I am shy about singing in front of other people – I don’t even like to sing “Happy Birthday” at parties and will sometimes lip synch when I feel uncomfortable. But when I’m alone in my car, I’ll turn up my favorite music and sing along. Like The Ruminant says, maybe you could find a safe place and start small.

I can relate to your mother issues as well :/

Anne,

Schadenfraude is a common, even universal experience and I admit to being guilty of it myself. I think your conflict of feeling guilt afterward speaks to your level of self-esteem. Someone less enlightened than you would have the good feelings without the bad ones following, in my opinion.

I experience a similar thing when I feel pity towards others. For example, I am having a tough time moving on from the breakup of my romantic relationship. I am still connected with my ex on Facebook. Within the last few days, I have seen him “friend” a number of women half his age who are in various stages of undress or provocative poses. It turns my stomach to an extent, but then the feeling turns into pity, that although I have spent some nights full of tears at home on my couch with my dog, at least I’m not out there trying to fill a void with people young enough to be my children. But then that pity for him turns into a disapproval of myself because who I am to feel “superior”? We all need to heal, and live in our own way. There should be no value judgment on how anybody chooses to live his own life.

I’m not sure what to recommend other than to say don’t beat yourself up too much over feelings that to me, are fairly benign. Work on being the best Anne you can be and take pleasure in whatever makes you happy. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. There are no thought police. As long as your behavior is loving and accepting, I think you get a free pass to chuckle at whatever entertains you.

Simone,

I can sympathize with Mark’s experience of a relationship ending without knowing what was bothering a partner until it was “too late”. Don’t let it fester. I think it’s wise to evaluate your core values and “must haves” in a relationship. It sounds like fitness and health is very important to you, while it is relatively unimportant to your partner. Is this a deal breaker? In my experience, all the gentle nudging in the world might not yield the results you’d like if he doesn’t want to improve for his own reasons. A quote from a fun novel to ponder: “If you really love someone, you have to be prepared to accept them as they are. Maybe you hope that one day they get a wake-up call and make the changes for their own reasons.” (The Rosie Project) If he doesn’t change, are you ok with this? This may be a pessimistic view, but I find that people don’t typically change who they are very much, particularly after a certain age. There is nothing “shallow” in my mind about it, because it is important to you. You should never feel like you’re “stressing out and going crazy” in a relationship. It may turn out that the two of you are not compatible. But I think you owe it to both of you and your relationship to explore it further by having a conversation with him.

Nobody should pressure you to drink more when you have set a limit for yourself. That’s pretty inconsiderate if you ask me. I don’t know if it was done in jest, but in any case it would be nice if he was more supportive of you and your choices. I think people generally egg others on to drink more when they want to excuse their own sometimes overindulgent behavior. But that’s just my two cents worth.

I am a very direct person in my relationships so I’d offer one warning: depending on how direct you are, he may respond in a defensive manner. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down 😉

Will gives very good advice. I agree, especially the last paragraph: You will be ok no matter what. Try not to look at this as you being on trial and you are awaiting the judge to return from chambers with a verdict. Take this time apart to not only look at your own behaviors in the relationship but to also evaluate what it is you want and need from a partner. I have been in your position and when I was there, I was in a panic, just wanting him to be with me, kicking myself for all the things I did wrong, saying “if only” I had done this or that, or not done this or that and in the end all I was doing was torturing myself. If you recognize behaviors in yourself that you want to change or improve upon, that’s great. But I’d encourage you to also consider that you have every right to feel your feelings and to express them when things don’t feel right, like for example him wanting to rekindle a friendship with someone he was previously romantically involved. That would make me uncomfortable as well. What I’m trying to say is that it’s wonderful you want to work on your self-esteem so that you can be more secure in your relationship(s), don’t take on more of this burden than necessary. I don’t know that it’s “80%” your fault. You’re both in this relationship and you both need to work together to find peace and happiness within that relationship.

Value yourself, with or without him.