Avoidance Is Incompatible with Intimacy
Why Being Ignored Causes Such Deep Pain and Damage
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” ~Laurell K. Hamilton
My older sister had four years over me. As a kid, I worshipped the ground she walked on. She was so smart, so pretty, so cool. I wanted to be wherever she was, doing whatever she was doing.
I was desperate for any crumb of attention she might throw my way. I even let her loosen my baby teeth so she could pull them out one by one. In those moments she was lavishing me with attention.
Other …
How to Be More Present Through Sound, Silence, and Stillness
“Music gives color to the air of the moment.” ~Karl Lagerfeld
I used to think I was a good listener. I could hold eye contact, nod at the right moments, ask thoughtful follow-up questions. But one afternoon, sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat in a small studio in Rishikesh, I realized I had never truly listened to anything, not even myself.
The teacher asked us to close our eyes and simply notice the sounds around us. A ceiling fan turning slowly overhead. A dog barking somewhere down the street. My own breath, uneven and shallow. And then, beneath all of …
The Hidden Survival Patterns I Mistook for Brokenness
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” ~Rumi
I grew up in a council house in the 1970s, in a world where children were seen and not heard.
We were kicked out in the morning and told to come back when the streetlights came on. On the surface, it looked normal. But what was happening behind closed doors didn’t feel normal at all.
I didn’t have the words for it then, but I always felt different.
People thought I was shy. And I was. But it was more than that. Being around people felt overwhelming, like I …
How Cheating Death Changed My Perspective on Life
“Only when we realize that our time is limited do we begin to appreciate the value of every single day.” ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I didn’t expect the trip to begin the way it did.
In December 2003, I decided to take a holiday over Christmas. I booked an eco-tour of Sri Lanka, traveling around the country and staying in different locations. It was something I had been looking forward to for a long time.
But during the flight on Christmas Eve, I started to feel unwell. At first, I thought it was just a stomach issue. Nothing unusual when traveling. …
How I Stopped Being the Victim of My Own Story
“The most common form of despair is not being who you are.” ~Søren Kierkegaard
A few years ago, I was catching up over coffee with an old friend I’ll call Ray, a trusted mentor. He’s a few years older than me, silver-haired and down to earth, the kind of man who listens with his whole heart.
We were at a small coffee shop near my house. I told him about my first year as a director, how I’d gone from being a counselor whose identity was built around listening and connecting to suddenly managing budgets, writing evaluations, and holding people …
