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Posts tagged with “communication”

I Thought I Was Protecting My Peace, But I Was Just Avoiding Conflict

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“Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.” ~Brené Brown

If the title of this post gets under your skin, don’t worry, it gets under mine, too. I have a fierce aversion to conflict. That doesn’t mean I won’t engage in it, but it does mean that I’m very open to any suggestion that might give me license to not engage in it.

So, when I learned the phrase “protect your peace,” I found myself particularly drawn to it.

The concept …

It Takes Two, but a Better Relationship Starts Right Now with You

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“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson

It can be tempting to think you need a new partner to create a better relationship, and for some that might be true. But many of us don’t need new relationships; we just need to start doing things differently in the ones we have.

Perhaps your relationship isn’t feeling as fulfilling as it once did. Maybe you’re losing hope but also resisting the effort required to make it better. I’ve been there. Several years ago, many years into …

Share Your Truth: 4 Reasons to Stand Up for Yourself

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“If you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.” ~Cheryl Richardson

Last week, I was at the studio where I teach, and one of the teachers was running late. Her students began arriving, so I came out of the office where I was working and started welcoming them, directing them into the room for …

How to Be Brave and Speak up Early in the Conversation

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“Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision.” ~Winston S. Churchill

In a recent episode involving a field trip my daughter is taking, I found myself at a crossroads, grappling with the fear of expressing concerns early in a conversation. As a parent, I highly value my children’s growth but struggle with the balance of asserting my needs without risking relationships.

The plans felt, on first reading, overly ambitious, so I wanted more information and I wanted to be able to express myself and feel heard. I highly value situations where my kids have opportunities to overcome challenges and build …

We’re Simply Communicating

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Lack of Communication Ruins Everything

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Quietly Listening

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When the People We Love Shut Us Out: What I Now Understand

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“Have patience that is all unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like closed rooms, like books written like a foreign language.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

I started thinking about a distant relative on a walk in the woods. I had thought about her more often when she suddenly stopped speaking to our family, well over a decade ago. I would reach out to her through email, but after not hearing back over the years, I thought about her less and less and eventually stopped trying to connect with her.

On this particular walk, I began to

…

Learning to Speak Up When You Were Taught That Your Feelings Don’t Matter

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“A proper grown-up communicates clearly and assertively.”

This is something I have heard many people say.

By that definition, I wouldn’t have classed as a proper grown-up for most of my life.

There was a time when I couldn’t even ask someone for a glass of water. I know that might seem crazy to some people, and for a long time I did feel crazy for it.

Why couldn’t I do the things others did without even thinking about it? Why couldn’t I just say what I needed to say? Why couldn’t I just be normal?

Those questions would …

11 Important Things I’ve Learned in 11 Years of Marriage

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“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” ~Dave Meurer 

My husband and I will soon be celebrating our eleventh anniversary. By no means do we have the perfect marriage or are we the perfect couple. Over our eleven years of marriage, I’ve recognized a few critical areas needed to build a solid and lasting union as a couple.

Here are eleven things I’ve learned in eleven years of marriage.

1. Communicate.

In the early days of my marriage, I was terrible at communicating my feelings …

Dear Parent of an Estranged Adult: What Might Repair Your Relationship

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Dear estranged parent,

I know it’s not easy to feel cut off from your child when you still feel love and maybe even remorse. I know you might feel confused about why your adult child is so upset, and you might even feel angry and wrongly accused.
Perhaps there’s some truth to that. I don’t know why your child cut ties with you, but I can share a little of my own experience and then offer some tips that might help, regardless of your unique situation.

So why did your son or daughter cut you out of their life?

I …

How My Anger Helped Me Learn to Speak Up About My Needs

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“If we are holding back from any part of our experience, if our heart shuts out any part of who we are and what we feel, we are fueling the fears and feelings of separation that sustain the trance of unworthiness.” ~Tara Brach

This morning I received a WhatsApp message, and I found myself immediately blown into a state of fury. On the surface the message didn’t seem inflammatory or dramatic; it was a simple request from another parent asking me to do something that wasn’t convenient for me. On the surface it didn’t seem like this message warranted such …

When You Strongly Disagree with Someone: How to Find Common Ground

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“The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.” ~Pema Chodron

I was recently having dinner with a group of friends, and I casually mentioned that I’ve been making more effort in my life to help prevent climate change.

Across the table, someone looked straight at me and said, “You know human-induced climate change isn’t real, right?”

I was shocked because I’ve known this person for years and we’ve always agreed on important topics in the past. I immediately shot back with, “Umm, yes it is!” and proceeded to tell him exactly why he was …

Why Other People’s Comments Hurt Us and How to Let Them Go

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“It’s not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Wow. That one takes me waaay back. All the way to the elementary school playground. A place where I attempted to use it as a shield. As juvenile as this saying is, I would search for comfort in its words for years to come.

In the end, it doesn’t matter how old we get. It’s good to feel a part of something, to be understood, and …

A Guide to Saying No Without Guilt: 7 Steps for People-Pleasers

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“You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.” ~Unknown

Why is it so hard to say no? The uncomfortable buildup of emotion I felt while contemplating dropping the ‘n’ word used to have me rushing around town, home, and work for the people I loved in a heartbeat.

I remember one day I was on the cusp of complete overwhelm with the responsibility of being a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and business owner. Hanging up the phone with a potential new client who was keen to work with me, I was wired. I …

How to Feel Comfortable Setting Boundaries and Why We Need Them

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“Avoiding certain people to protect your emotional health is not weakness. It is wisdom.” ~Unknown

The word “boundary” often conjures up negative thoughts. After all, it’s usually an indication of something being restricted.

However, deciding to set boundaries is one of the most empowering things you can do for your mental well-being.

Growing up I always put the needs of others before my own, and not much has changed in my adult life.

While I enjoy the idea of being a mediator in some ways, or the person that other people come to in times of need, it gets exhausting …

Why We’re Afraid of Real Connection and Why We Need Deeper Conversations Now

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“It’s one of the great paradoxes of the human condition—we ask some variation of the question ‘How are you feeling?’ over and over, which would lead one to assume that we attach some importance to it.  And yet we never expect or desire—or provide—an honest answer.” ~Mark Brackett, Ph.D., Permission to Feel

I used to feel so satisfied if I had made them cry.

Not in a twisted, sadistic way.

I just knew once things went quiet and they felt safe, we could peel back enough layers, the tears would flow, and we could finally get to the truth. The …

You Know a Relationship Is Healthy When…

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Please Don’t Fix Me: What True Empathy Is (And Isn’t)

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“No one mentioned until I was in late middle age that—horribly!—my good, helpful ideas for other grown-ups were not helpful. That my help was in fact sometimes toxic. That people needed to defend themselves from my passionate belief that I had good ideas for other people’s lives. I did not know that help is the sunny side of control.”  ~Anne Lamott

I’m a well-meaning empath.

If you share your problems with me, I’ll quickly make them my own. I’ll listen intently, feel deeply, and want to help. I’ll give you advice and solutions you didn’t ask for, then be annoyed …

Why Your Anger Is the Key to Maintaining Your Boundaries

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“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.” ~Henry Cloud

Late last night, I once again found myself unable to sleep, and boy was I angry. So, in order not to disturb my other half, who is always asleep the moment his head touches the pillow, I dragged myself off to the sofa. Once there, sat seething in the dark, I listened to my …