Dear Peace,

I would just like to add something: it’s good that you wrote a text to your sister, telling her how much her words hurt you:

she kept writing but there was nt single positive word from her…i couldnt stop my tears i couldnt sleep all night bcz these words  were so hurtful .i kept weeping all night …and than in the morning i wrote  her huge text that how ur words made me feel ,how much i was hurted to know ,how she thinks ,feel and represent me infront of anyone …

Has she responded to that?

Also, your husband is right when he told her that she should be proud of you for making it this far all alone in a foreign country, instead of scolding you and telling you that you never achieved anything in Germany. You achieved a lot: you are studying and working in parallel, you have 1-1.5 years till your diploma, and even if it’s not a medical doctor diploma or a physiotherapy degree, it’s something you like and hopefully will give you a good and satisfactory career (what are you studying, if I may ask?). So you did well, Peace, you can be proud of yourself!

Dear Peace:

You shared over time that your family is Muslim and Indian. Your sister whom we are discussing is the eldest sister in your family.

A Muslim website, Azislam. com/ rights of older siblings in islam, reads (the italics is my addition):

“In Islam and also other culture in the world, especially in Asian countries, older siblings hold more responsibility toward their younger siblings. They should love and care for their younger siblings, put aside their selfishness and put the younger first. In return, the younger siblings should respect the older”-

Did you notice, Peace, that your eldest sister, according to Islam in Asian countries, such as India, is supposed to love and care for you, put aside her selfishness and put you first!?

And did you notice, that in return for her love and care and putting aside her selfishness, you should respect her? (But if she is selfish, if she puts herself first, and she doesn’t really love and care for you…. what is there to return)?

More from the website: “Older siblings can make us feel safe because they protect us” – your eldest sister sent you, a pretty, young woman of about 21, to live by herself, all alone, in a faraway country, while (1) You did not have the ability to protect yourself from men’s aggressive sexual advances, and (2) There was no relative or an older person, approved by your sister, or otherwise, to protect from men’s sexual advances.

In a previous thread under a different account, your screen name there was Princess123, you shared that in April 2018, at 21 or 22, you were living in Germany all alone, without protection (“I live here without my family or anyone else”). You were a student, working part-time. You lived close to, or in the midst of the large Muslim community in Germany, many of which were refuges.

Living on your own, a young woman in the midst of men, you had many relationships in quick succession (“I was the one who was having a lot of relationship one after one“, quote from this thread, March 15, 2021). Back in 2018, you had a 2.5-month-old relationship with a man who at first treated you “like a princess”, but then acted jealous and controlling. By August 2018, you had a 3-months old new relationship with a Muslim refuge 10 years older than you, a man who was “really kind and loves me so much”. You referred to the relationship as a “very healthy relationship”, but it didn’t not proceed to be healthy as he verbally and sexually abused you: “(he) used to do some sexually cruel things… I used to scream because of … the pain… I used to tell him stop doing it, but he used to say: no, it doesn’t hurt”.

He called you a prostitute because you accepted money and material gifts from him, and he wanted it all back, “demanding 2400 euro, including the cost of the Mac laptop which he bought for me… and the ticket he bought for me… 1600 euro… he started to call me a prostitute and said that I’ll bring customers for sex“. That relationship ended this way: “I ended up financially broke, depressed, failed in exams which led to visa problem all in one time“.

Back in 2018, you shared about a male friend of your boyfriend: “He is always there when I need him, when I need help, money“. At one point, he pressured you to have sex with him, and you were confused: “I’m just confused, this person said he really likes me and loves me, and planning to marry me, but I feel like all he wants from me is sex??… Or am I only judging him??”

Why am I bringing back all these painful experiences? Because they clearly indicate that (1) Your eldest sister did NOT protect you. You could have died from either a sexually transmitted disease or from sexual/ physical violence in the midst of a refuge community with no one to protect you!!!

(2) Your eldest sister spent some money on you, but not enough and not for long; working part time you didn’t make enough money, and you accepted money and material goods from men to whom you were not married, and with whom you had sex, and so, in practice you exchanged sex for money. Your sister did not protect you from this degradation and danger!

(3) You were not mentally able to evaluate men and situations correctly:  “I feel like all he wants from me is sex??… Or am I only judging him??“, and therefore, you were not able to respond to men and situations in ways that will protect yourself. Your eldest sister sent an unprepared young woman to life on her own.

Fast forward to the present, January 2022, you say that you are finally in a relationship with and married to a good man who respects you. Please do not give up on a good man because your selfish, unloving eldest sister (who sent you to a new country unprotected), is throwing temper tantrums.

Your husband is there to protect you, isn’t he? Your sister did not. She has no right to interfere with your life!

Now that I refreshed my memory, I don’t know if you owe your eldest sister, or any other family member any money. What I am certain of is that other than money, you owe them nothing.

Having refreshed my memory, I really can’t stand the idea that you will continue to give your eldest sister any importance. What she says to you has no value because she did not do her eldest sisterly duty of protecting you and to caring for you. Ending all contact with her is best.

Just now, I came across your two most recent posts in which you shared about your eldest sister blaming and stressing your husband (who is kind enough to suggest paying their money back): “she blamed my husband…  calling him ‘ill-mannered’… she again texted my husband, saying how ill-mannered he is… and she started to guilt-trip him… My husband didn’t take it very well, he was very stressed” – it is clear to me, Peace, that your duty as a wife of a good man, is to protect your husband from your eldest sister (and from any other family member who disrespects and mistreats your husband and yourself) by blocking them from having access to you and to your husband.

No access= No abuse.

Is what I wrote in this post all correct and true, or am I missing something that would invalidate my conclusion stated right above?

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by .

Dear Peace,

oh wow, it’s been a long time! Good to hear from you! And thank you for inquiring and wishing me well.

Yeah, 2023 has been a very challenging year for me health-wise because my health problems (which came out of the blue) limited me quite a bit and didn’t want to go away. They’ve subsided now a little, thank God, but a new issue came up with my eyes. I went to the doctor, got some eye drops and am hoping it would heal sooner than later. So yeah… this year has been emotionally and mentally challenging, and I am quite exhausted, hoping for a respite.

How are you? How is your marriage, your studies?

Dear Peace:

You are welcome and I appreciate your welcome and kind words. We first communicated in April 2018 (more than five years ago) in a thread under the screen name Princess123. Back then, at the age of 21 or 22,  you were  living in Germany, a part of the Muslim community, far away from your large Muslim family in India and away from a sister who lives in Europe (“I live here without my family or anyone else”). The following is what you shared from April 2018 to Jan 15, 2022 (the last time you posted in your current thread, more than a year and seven months ago, which was yesterday):

Your travel to Germany and the first year of your studies and living in Germany were financed by two or more of your seven older sisters, primarily by the oldest: “My sis was spending more money on our (my and other siblings’) education. She wanted us to have a good career, and when I was in college she decided she will send me abroad for studies… She sold her Savings (Gold ) and also my other sister contributed with their Savings , taking loans.. as I landed here I had enough..  money for my first year“.

You were also financed at times by (1) a rich cousin (“he flirts sometimes but was the one who sent me money… he sent me 1000 euros last month.. very rich cousin (who) likes me and financially helps me when I ask him“),   (2) a live-in (now ex) boyfriend, ten years your senior, one who abused you sexually and emotionally, (about whom you wrote in January 2019, that he was “demanding 2400 euro, including the cost of the Mac laptop which he bought for me… and the ticket he bought for me… 1600 euro“), (3) your ex-boyfriend’s friend of 15 years: “He is always there when I need him, when I need help, money or emotional  support“.

You were working part-time in Germany, while attending university, and sometimes you sent money to your family in India: “I started working here, doing student jobs: waitress, working in bakery, or (in) production companies (As I learned German language and I am advanced in it, I started getting better jobs),  so I finance myself and sometimes my family by sending money to my mom  or sis“. You also sent money for a while to a long-distance boyfriend, now ex.

Following a series of relationships with abusive men, you met a man whom you dated since  May 2021 about whom you shared back in July 21, 2021: “He is a great guy …he is the person with whom I’m having a healthy relationship, who listens to me, cares for me, doesn’t react when something doesn’t go according to plan ,respects me and respects my space and boundary”. But your older sister advised you against marrying him (“she.. advised me to not marrying him just because of caste“, “because his mom also looked like mixed African“), and proceeded to harass you, creating disturbing drama in your life, emotionally manipulating you, guilt-tripping you in regard to the financial help she provided for you in the past

On  Oct 26, 2021, you shared: “this inner child of me doesn’t want any emotional validation from (elder sister)… I shouldn’t be allowing her or anyone to emotionally destroy me anymore… I don’t need validation from anyone and not from people who hurt me“.

On Oct 31, 2021, you shared: “At this stage of my life.. I want no drama in my life and no emotional manipulation from anyone.. I want to have a peace of mind and don’t want to be mentally disturbed“.

You married him in Germany without your family’s knowledge (“We did Islamic marriage here and waiting for our documents“, Dec 10, 2021) while your sister continued to harass you.

I submitted a detail, long post to you on Jan 15, 2021, which ended with this advice: “It is clear to me, Peace, that your duty as a wife of a good man, is to protect your husband from your eldest sister (and from any other family member who disrespects and mistreats your husband and yourself) by blocking them from having access to you and to your husband. No access= No abuse. Is what I wrote in this post all correct and true, or am I missing something that would invalidate my conclusion stated right above?”.

You never replied to the above, and yesterday, Sept 3, 2023, at the age of 27, you posted your gracious post, wanting to continue your thread. You shared today that you owe your two older sisters “approximately 8500-9000 euros“- I see that you did not accept my suggestion of Jan 15, 2022 that you don’t owe them any money and that you have no more contact with them.

“For the past 1.5 years, I’ve been financially supporting my mother’s treatment and expenses, as well as partially contributing to my 36-year-old brother’s household bills…  I had to pay for almost all of her medical treatment, about 85-90% of it. To get the money for this, I had to sell some things I owned, use up my savings, and my husband gave me 1000 euros… About three months later…  I contributed about 40% of the total cost (for your 36-year old older brother’s wedding)…  Two weeks after my brother’s wedding, my eldest sister, who usually communicates with me indirectly through another sister, asked me to contribute about 700 euros to help the second sister… About 3-4 months after my brother’s wedding, he asked me for 100 euros… When I calculate all the money I sent home in just one year, it’s almost more than 7000 euros. And I still haven’t repaid the money I owe them, which is almost 8500 euros“-

– I disagree, if I may: you paid 7,000 euros out of the 8,500 euros that you believe that you owe your family.

“Just two months ago, I asked my sister how she wanted me to repay the money I owed her. I asked if she preferred I give her gold or pay her with money. I offered to pay the entire debt of around 8500 euros in three installments, and I was ready to send the first installment of about 2000 euros. When I asked her, she told me that she had spoken to our eldest sister, and they both decided they didn’t need the money right now. Instead, she mentioned that she was planning to buy a house and wanted my help with it. I owed this sister around 1700 euros, and the rest of the debt was to our eldest sister“-

– seems to me that your sisters view you as a bank account, something to draw money out whenever they need or want the money. I don’t think that you owe them any money, but if you owed your family any money,  it is not a debt to individual members of your family, but to your family as a whole, because finances are shared in your family. Therefore, if you had a debt, it is now a debt of 1,500 euros (8,500-7.000= 1,500 euros).

“During this time, it became increasingly evident to me that the debt I owed to my family would never be settled. It seemed that no matter what efforts I made, the debt would neither be acknowledged nor accurately calculated or repaid“-

– I agree with an edit: the debt that you believe you owe your family will never be paid. The reason that they will keep asking you for money is that they consider you a source of income.: not a person, but a bank account from which they want  to withdraw whenever they need or want to.

“Why did I share all of this with you now? Even though they said they were okay with the proposal, and my sister mentioned she gave dresses worth 2000 euros for my wedding, things took a bad turn, and they caused a big, ugly problem. But Why??“-

– what I understood from this quote, which is at the end of your most recent post, is that your sisters said that they were okay with having a Muslim wedding between you and your (legal husband, in Germany) partner for no other reason but to motivate you to keep sending money to the family in India. What I didn’t understand is what you are referring to, specifically, by “a bad turn.. ugly problem“: what is the bad turn, specifically? What are the ugly problems?,

and what it is that you are asking: why.. what?

anita