I have re read this entire thread twice this week and usually ‘re read your posts at least 2-3 times. Sometimes it takes time to sink in. Sometimes an entire week before I get it. Honestly I haven’t had a lot of time with it being the end of the semester this past week. But after today I’m done with school and work for a couple weeks, so I’m taking the time to take care of myself and ‘re read this thread again. I will respond to your past few posts later today hopefully, but I don’t want you to think I’m not grateful at all. I even thought to myself I wish I knew where Anita was so I could send her some kind of gift to show my appreciation (I know thats not appropriate) but I can’t even express to you how appreciative I really am. Just know I still live by words you wrote me in threads over a year ago. Thank you anita

”that core belief I have that I’m a bad person” Less misery is the result. The belief of being worthless is tightly connected to the belief that you are bad, unworthy of the good things in life.
I see this in myself very much I feel “bad” when I smoke too often, and I smoke most when I feel worthless. I feel “bad” because I’m supposed to be a role model in my career and I’m not all the way together, or rather I haven’t developed the capacity to empathize with myself so that I wouldn’t have to escape from the feelings of worthlessness by smoking. You wrote to me “You feel unworthy even though you are worthy” lately I have been seeing the worth of others to me which led me to thinking that I must be worthy because in the buddhist since we (people) are not separate, we are one. By this logic if I’m able to see anyone else as worthy I should be able to see myself as worthy, of course it hasn’t been as simple as telling myself that but I feel my capacity to see the good in others even in their difficult moments is a trait of healer, a person who uplifts others, a worthy person in my eyes.

In regards to helping and feeling worthy “doesn’t always suggests that sometimes helping other does the trick” this has been more true to me this week than ever as I have had to terminate with clients and they gave me the gift of witnessing them in their rawest moments, some expressing they have never had someone open them up so quickly or even at all. (I’m in tears as I write this section) They allowed me to learn about myself and prompted me to do better in my work on myself which I am deeply grateful for. They weren’t obligated to let me know they think I’m doing good by them, and as a professional it’s really none of my business either, I let each one of my clients know what I have been getting out of the helping relationship with them as I terminate, as they too needed to know they are worthy as they see me. I have cried a lot the past two days as I had to terminate with such beautiful souls, particularly a young girl who was caring for her mother the same way I did, she was carrying her mothers pain, and thanks to this thread I was able to articulate this to her and have her understand her mothers happiness is not her responsibility. It was really hard doing this as I will likely never see this person again and all I can hope for is that she got the message that she is the child. In that moment seeing this dynamic outside my so called “self” made me realize the following you wrote could not be more true ““I see (mother) as a person who plays the role of victim. Which I think can be manipulative”. Her repeated, ongoing, lifetime message in playing victim is that she deserves empathy, not you.” Also this “as a child you had no one to rely on and had to be the one your mother relied on”
When I got home I cried many tears for this young woman, and myself as Its starting to make sense to me on a emotional/feelings level. It took the bravery of that little girl to cry with me and leave my office and put on a tough face for her mom for me to realize I’ve been doing the same thing for 26 years. For that I am grateful for her honesty with me.

I got angry today at work again but before I reacted too strongly I thought back to this thread and these words “it will take pausing before automatically reacting” I am glad I did not cuss at the director(also a professor) of the center over the phone, as we had a crisis situation that I was supposed to escalate to her, but she had left the center even though I am unlicensed and not supposed to be practicing alone, for which she will get in trouble for. I let her know that this was unacceptable, as she endangered my career, Her career, and potentially someones life, by not doing her job. I am glad I am moving from this internship site now. However this gave me an opportunity to work on my anger having thought back to this that you wrote “Problem is our feelings are very convincing, and if it wasn’t for the severe injury in childhood, your feelings would have been trustworthy, indicating the truth.” My feelings in this moment were in congruence with truth and I’m just glad I was able to collect myself and continue working after this, and not feel ashamed for expressing my anger, because I was firm with her about my disappointment but not disrespectful.

Im still struggling with sleep, last night I barely made it 3.5hrs total, I continue to be plagued by thoughts of needing a woman, and wanting that feeling of safety and belonging, I want this way more than sex, and I will also take your advice of “minimize the risk by taking the time to get to know a woman well enough before becoming involved with her” something I’ve honestly never done the longest I’ve gone is 3weeks before having sex with someone, not enough time in my opinion. Its going to take some persistence and understanding of what I really need to overcome this in the future. I still have a hard time believing/accepting this “What you need is there for you, available.” And I think thats because I don’t feel worthy of a woman’s love still, I don’t feel like it would be possible, I know this isn’t true and I’m happy that I have more female friends who have helped me see women in a more compassionate way, and not much different from myself (because of the oneness of humanity) However I see this clearly “When you are able and willing to see that your mother didn’t love you and cheated you out of ..you, then you will be able to not see your mother in every other woman.” Because I have absolutely been attracted to unhappy women to the point where I really want to get this need met, but don’t trust myself enough to meet it without dating my mom again. It has been difficult to spend so much time in solitude without falling into those feelings of worthlessness. Although I would like to think this period in my life of the past 3 years spending only a total 10 months in relationships with a woman will help me learn something somehow.

I just want to thank you again Anita I know can be excessive with the thanks at times, but as a fellow helper and healer in training I know how rare that thanks can be. You are making a positive impact on my life, with just your words and I don’t want you to go unappreciated for that, because when you help me, you are helping me develop the capacity to help others, therefore you are helping so many more people than just I

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by noname.

Thank you Anita

I wanted to take a break because again i dont want to burn you out with my issues, I’m sure I will repost again. I don’t know if it will be in a day or a month. My concern was for you in taking a break, as I feel you have given me plenty to work with, and I don’t know if it is the case or not, but I can imagine it can be exhausting being so attentive to other people’s needs. There are so many people you reply to and you give no special treatment from the other threads I’ve seen meaning it seems you put just as much thought into replying to every persons post regardless of how many times they’ve posted. I thought I’d give you a break from me for a while. I’m sure I will be back soon

I just wanted to check in to say I’m doing well right now. I can say I am doing significantly better than when I started this thread, feeling more confident than ever. I even performed my music in front of an audience for the first time this past weekend, and didn’t feel afraid to share some of myself with strangers.
I feel for the first time in my life that I love myself. And It feels really good to know no matter what is going on in my life I won’t be getting in my own way as much and I’m keeping my own best interest in mind in every decision I make. I no longer feel as if I’m out to sabatoge myself. I feel attractive and easy to talk to because I radiate authenticity and truth. Although I still have work to do in being true to myself I believe.

If there’s anything I’m struggling with right mow it’s still being without sex or a partner. However, I’m not panicking in the absence of intimacy as I have in the past, and I think it has a lot to do with actually liking myself. Before when I disliked myself, the panic to find some kind of love and approval felt unbearable, as If I was separated from the pack and left to die. Now I think because I have made it a point to be even more open with friends and ask for care when I need it, I’m not panicking as much because I know having a partner is not the only way to get my need for emotional intimacy met. Of course sex+emotional intimacy would be amazing, and I believe it may even be there for me one day, but I’ve accepted that it may come and go and that’s actually more comforting to me than thinking it’s something I have to go find and hold on tightly or take some active role in acquiring, when i try too much I get exhausted easily.

I thought I’d just check in and let you know things are okay right now, and I’m in my last year of school now so that’s exciting for me too.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by noname.