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Dear Javier,
I’m trying to count my blessings, but I have been suppressing and denying all positive feelings. I have learned to feel loneliness, hopelessness and shame. The feeling of failure is there continuously, and I have been struggling with a low to complete lack of self esteem. I want to change this, I want to live again. Please let me know if it’s possible!
You first need to forgive yourself, Javier. Your self-condemnation is keeping you at the bottom of this dark pit. It’s what led you to attempt suicide.
We’ve talked about it before. Your life started with pain, you grew up with pain, and none of it was your fault. All the “mistakes” you’ve made later (and which we all make in this or that form) are the result of that original pain. When you blame yourself, you’re blaming that little boy for simply being a child, for having normal needs for love, affection and safety, like every other child. You’re blaming a beautiful, innocent, helpless little child, who just wanted to love and be loved. Can you see that, Javier?
I am praying that you see and accept that, and start practicing self-compassion and self-forgiveness. Because that’s The Way to new life…
Dear Javier,
I’m working on my self-confidence and my inner child by positive affirmations.
That’s good, just keep doing it!
My psychiatrist claims it’s due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, but why do they think medications will solve everything?!
I don’t know much about psychiatric medications, but as far as I know, it’s sometimes beneficial to use them in combination with psychotherapy. If you’re unable to self-regulate in spite of therapy, and are e.g. crying all the time, or having physical symptoms such as hyperventilating, in other words, if you aren’t able to function normally – that’s when medications are recommended. They won’t solve everything, but could enable you to calm down enough to be able to function more normally, and start working on your issues in therapy.
If there is a magic pill that can cure and heal my brain, why haven’t they given it to me earlier? I’m going crazy, I don’t know what to do.
You feel you’re going crazy because your nervous system is so overwhelmed, and you don’t know how to help yourself. Since simple self-soothing methods, such as putting one hand on your chest and the other on your belly, didn’t really work and you easily get overwhelmed, I believe you would need to consider medications. Not something to numb you completely, but as a means to take off the edge of your anxiety and let you function normally and work on your issues in therapy. I don’t know if something like that would be possible and acceptable to you?
Dear Javier,
Today, I cried uncontrollably for 4hours. I miss my mother. I’m all alone, I feel useless and unwanted.
It’s the child within you, Javier. When you were experiencing abuse and violence, you were truly a helpless little child, and that was your reality. You couldn’t escape it. It made your life horrible. But now, you are not helpless any more. You are an adult, you had successes in your life, you were loved and appreciated, you were the lead engineer on a cruise ship. You had abilities, you achieved things, you were not a loser.
Covid pushed you into a dark pit again, into the childhood trauma, which is now hitting you with full strength. But you need to understand that there is also a capable adult in you. You aren’t a helpless child any more, you can now help yourself and build yourself up again. You have the ability to do it – because you have done it before!
Activate your adult self, who will comfort your child self. Be an adult to your child self, like you have been to your nieces. Start loving that child within, like you love your nieces. He deserves it, the same as they do.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 