Dear SereneWolf,

Yes I totally agree I like the style, he always try to explain things with simple examples without making it too complex. So for a creating boundaries video he gave an example like suppose boundary is like.. it’s your own property so try to have a good neighbourhood first (Being around with good supportive and loving people) which also connects the dot for critical voice video

Yes, definitely. It’s important whom we surround ourselves with. But also, if sometimes we can’t avoid dealing with nasty or demanding people – to have boundaries to protect ourselves from them.

Neighbours can’t tell what colour my house should be

Yes! No one should be able to control how you live your life…

and the really good thing I’m noticing these days because I’m mindful about empathy is that they’re more open with me as well so I do feel better connected with them. So I’m really grateful having good friends.

Nice! Are some of those female friends also your work colleagues?

Okay so for this I do struggle with that. Most of the time I say Yes and then get anxious as well. And I do feel like I shouldn’t disappoint my bosses or my team members but it’s like a dilemma If I’m saying Lot of YES means in some way I’m disappoint my team members because of more work and also the pressure (Which I feel too) and If I say NO even though sometimes it’s okay I overthink about it like I shouldn’t have said No to Him/her. Because it’s my work and I shouldn’t say No.

And  sometimes I don’t even listen the whole thing and be like “Don’t worry, consider it done.”

Alright, so it seems you’re really anxious about saying No to your bosses. Sometimes you don’t even listen till the end about what the task is – you accept it without consideration. Even if it may not be feasible and your team won’t be able to deliver it, or it will require an unacceptable amount of work and stress on their part to complete the task.

What are you afraid would happen if you say No? (not rudely of course, but politely – if you explained why your teams needs more time, or why is something not such a good idea). Are you afraid you would get fired? Or that the boss would lose his respect for you (because you would seem weak and incompetent)? Or something else?

And now the thing is that there are new team members comes in my team too they would know only how to water the plant but when they understand and be adaptive and understand so even just little things that they understands they deserve appreciation.

Okay, I think I understand: so the praise would be mostly for the newcomers who learn fast and show a proactive attitude, and do more than is expected of them, right? It’s a good idea to give them praise and appreciation, however I don’t think that other team members should be obliged to do the praising, but only you, as the team leader. (You said “if someone is doing better at least 3 people closest to the member and included team leader should write little handwritten note“.)

Because I think it’s a bit like parenting – you don’t force other siblings to praise their younger brother or sister. It’s the responsibility of the parents. Because if you force other siblings to do it, they might start feeling jealous and resentful towards their younger sibling. So it might backfire and not be good for the team spirit. But if you, as the team leader, praise the newcomer, and also praise everyone who is doing their best – I think that’s useful and productive.

At least that’s how I see it… tell me if you see it differently?

Well I that’s really awesome that you have this much of self-awareness. I’m also working on my compassion part.

Many many years of working on myself did make me pretty self-aware, yes… but it was a long process, definitely not something that happened over night.

I am glad you’re working on your empathy and becoming more self-aware as well…

And thank you for offering help with my anxiety. It’s manageable, so I am fine at the moment, but I appreciate your offer!

Dear SereneWolf,

I’ve just peaked into “Leaders eat last” – I think it’s worth buying, it’s pretty cool from what I see in the first few pages. BTW it seems that the title of the book was inspired by the practice in the US Marines: that when they serve a meal, the novices get it first, and then those higher in rank. I find it pretty cool…

Yes but I’ll have to think how to create boundaries with my family.

I have to smile here – it’s interesting how me mentioning “nasty or demanding people” made you mention your parents 🙂 That’s the truth about them, or at least it was in the past, wasn’t it?

I’m already not living with them, and it’s been they aren’t interfering (which I prefer) They are supportive when I say I want to do this, I want to do that. They be like do what you think is right just go on wrong/dishonest way (because they are sure I wouldn’t)

That’s good! If they’re not interfering, and they honestly tell you to do what you deem is best – great! Though you did say a while ago that they still sometimes compare you with other young people in your place of origin, but that they are mostly pleased with the line of work you’re in, right?

Yet I still like they do treat me like a kid as well? and I talked this about my friend, and she said No matter what age are you, You’ll always be the kid of your parents so they’re going to be overprotective about some things…

Well, parents will always see their children as children. But the question is: do they respect you, do they think well of you, and maybe most importantly, do they have faith in you? Or they look down on you, are disappointed in you and your life choices, think you’re not doing well enough, etc etc…. Also, if you don’t choose the field they deem respectable or profitable, are they disappointed in you, or they respect your career choice?

Henry Cloud (of course! 🙂 ) has a lot of videos on how to set boundaries with parents. One of those is “Honoring your parents vs obeying abusers“, where he explains how we can honor our parents, and still not tolerate abuse, control or disrespect.

He mentions the Bible in this one a lot, because the caller is Christian, but what he says applies to everybody. One interesting thing he mentions at the end is a Bible verse that goes something like “when we were children, we were under guardians and managers”. Those “guardians and managers” were our parents. But that’s only while we were children. As adults, our parents don’t have (or shouldn’t have) the role of our guardians and managers – we as adults are responsible for managing our lives. So it’s clear that the role of parents changes, and it’s only natural that it should change, once we grow up.

I think maybe for this. Because I feel like It would hurt the image that I created at workplace. Because I think respect is something you have to earn so…

Definitely… but what does it mean for you to be worthy of respect? Does it mean to say Yes to everything requested of you, indiscriminately? And then maybe fail to deliver? To me, I prefer integrity. For example, if the persons says they’ll do something, they’ll do it. But they don’t just agree to anything – they estimate what and how much they can deliver, and then they do it, as promised. You can count on those people. And another aspect of integrity is when the person has empathy for their subordinates – when they take their team into account. They don’t overpromise because they know it will hurt their team.

So to me, a person worthy of respect in a corporate setting would be someone who is 1) reliable and trust-worthy (and therefore, has their supervisor’s trust), and also 2) empathic and takes into consideration the well-being of his team (and therefore is respected and cherished by their team). So they are respected in both directions – both by those above them and by those beneath them on the ladder…. I don’t know, at least this is how I imagine a perfect boss would be 🙂

But for an experiment just today I said No for a small task because I wasn’t really interested in doing that. So I said No
But so far I’m feeling okay with that

Good for you! It’s always good to start small and practice on small things, of no big relevance. How did your boss (or the person you said No to) take it?

But I think I’m doing that because I want team members to feel closed to each other too. and mostly because guys wouldn’t show vulnerability. … There’s no must obligation but more like if they feel like it, they can do this as a friendly gesture. I just want to put this thing as naturally as possible

Alright if there’s no obligation. You can explain that you would like to create as much as possible of a positive, encouraging atmosphere for everyone on the team, specially for the new members. Maybe you can encourage the older members to be helpful to the novices, and you can also tell the novices that they can always talk to you if they have a problem with something – that you are there for them.

As for promoting vulnerability, I am thinking it wouldn’t be a bad idea to enable your team members to give honest feedback (if you’re not already doing it) and voice their concerns, if they have any. I am not sure what is the company’s policy on that, but giving people the opportunity for feedback is super important. If they feel safe enough, they can speak up at a meeting, or if not, you can set up a box where they can throw in anonymous suggestions.

I’m also having meeting this week with People because I think some of the old members (experienced employees) who are working in their role quite well for years they should get kind of performance bonus + appreciative gift for sticking with the company. Since it’s already December
What do you think? Should I make any changes? 

For sure – it’s always good to give a bonus for those who deserve it. And what better time than this time of the year! 🙂 So yes, if the budget allows it, by all means do give them a bonus and show your appreciation for all their hard work!

Yes it’s not a overnight thing. I do have to remind this to my impatient self.

Yes, but it’s also good you’re already applying some of the concepts in practice, at your work place. I admire you for your expediency and initiative. Well done, SereneWolf!

Another thing I’m feeling anxious about like 2022 about to end. What significant things that I did or achieved. But I’m not able to see enough things

That’s probably the part of you who feels not good enough, worrying if you have achieved enough… Well for him, you’ll never be good enough… but I can tell you, as a non-biased bystander, that just in these past few months you’ve achieved many things, first in your self-awareness and willingness to challenge yourself and try new things… I mean, you’re scoring very high in learning soft skills 🙂 So give yourself some credit, give yourself a pat on the back – you’re doing great, just by this little that I am seeing!

Dear SereneWolf,

I am fine, thank you. Apart from the fact that I’m going to need to get myself some reading glasses, because I’ve started noticing that my eyes get strained in front of the computer.

Guess who had their first therapy season recently? That’s right, Me!

Wow, congratulations!!!

She’s a Psychotherapist + Prana Healer + Chakra Balance Helper

If she’s a licensed psychotherapist, that’s fine. I am a little skeptical about prana healers, but if they have a degree in psychology or counseling, energy work can be a nice addition. Makes their work more holistic…

And she did kind of talked and suggested things like you did (Are you in psychology field too?)

I am not a psychologist or a a counselor, but I do have some basic knowledge in psychology, and I’ve been into personal development for almost 20 years, so I’ve learned quite a bit…

And I told her for the things I’m working on, She said I’m on the right direction

Good to hear about that!

I talked about the childhood trauma and feeling not good enough etc. She said for that I’ll have to work on my root chakra.

Hmmm… root chakra is related to our basic sense of security and groundedness in the physical plane. Feeling good in our body, not spacing out, being present in the here-and-now, that kind of stuff. It’s not so much related to our self-esteem. Rather, the 3rd chakra is (the solar plexus). So it’s a bit strange that she suggested to work on the root chakra… Maybe next time you can ask her?

Also work on surrendering

What kind of surrendering did she suggest?

As for affirmations, they don’t work for everybody. If you don’t believe what you’re saying, it’s not much use. So check it with yourself: when you say a certain affirmation (e.g. “I am good enough”, or “I am competent enough”), do you believe it, or not really?

LAM chanting – It’s like hummin sound while meditating.

I’ve just looked it up, it’s supposedly a chant to cleanse the root chakra:

“Lam is also used to cleanse the muladhara chakra, in order to establish or maintain a sense of being grounded and connected to the earth. … Since the muladhara chakra is the gateway to the remaining six chakras, chanting lam can be a powerful means of shifting energy throughout the entire body.”

I guess there’s no harm in working on your root chakra, to feel more grounded and present in the here-and-now. Because that can help you be more attuned to both your own needs, and also other people’s needs. So I guess it’s a good practice.

Yes they’re happy with it. and in this case they didn’t compared or did what other parents (I mean my relatives) did. So my cousin wanted to pursue music or agriculture but his father didn’t let him do it so he’s studying dentistry now.. I do feel for him whenever we talk..

I am glad your parents are more or less supportive nowadays and don’t try to control your life. I too feel for you cousin, who was forced to study something he doesn’t like. That’s so unfortunate 🙁

But yet still I took a wrong decision for my education and after years I get it right

I remember you said you chose a wrong field to study, and then dropped out of college, right? And now you’re studying online to get a degree?

That’s really insightful! thanks for sharing this and I’ll watch the video

Yes, I too thought it was super helpful to see the parents as guardians and managers – while we were children, but not beyond.

Hmm I think you’re right about this. In my head I was like Saying Yes and following orders are what I should do. But as a leader that’s not right

Yeah, as a leader you shouldn’t just follow orders, but also evaluate if those orders and feasible and how they affect your team. It’s just occurred to me that always following orders would be like being in the army 🙂 A company should have a different culture, where you can also question those orders and give feedback…

but from this I found that I need to work on my “Speak Up”- related to childhood trauma lol

Yes, you weren’t encouraged to speak up as a child. I guess you were told what’s best for you, right?

And at work as right now the thing is that I’m the youngest manager here (lot of the people who work under me are also older than me) so.. I think this is another thing I have to work on… so It’s all just making sense now

Congratulations on being the youngest manager at your company! That’s a big achievement. You clearly have managerial skills, which is great, and now you’re upgrading them with soft skills, which will help you become an even better manager, i.e. a true leader!

And he said it’s okay and didn’t ague about it. So I guess I was just overthinking and just afraid of saying NO or Speak Up

Great! So it wasn’t a big deal that you refused, which means that your boss is a reasonable person, not a bully. That’s so important to have a normal boss!

Thanks this will help me for scripting and presenting to them in a better way

You’re welcome! Let me know how it went…

Wow that’s an excellent Idea! no matter what happens, I’ll try to implement this. With anonymous feedback others would feel more safer and not feel like attacked

Yeah, I know from talking to people close to me how horrible it is when the boss isn’t interested in the employees’ feedback, and how they are expected to just follow the orders and stay silent. And I think I’ve read somewhere that there are such feedback boxes in good companies, and I really liked the idea…

Yes but you helped me unfolding and we’re still unfolding things so I’m kind of proud of myself that I did took actionable steps but also big thanks to you. I really appreciate your support. Not to mention you’re literally teaching me how to be a better leader

You’re very welcome! And you should be proud of yourself for taking action so quickly, both by going to therapy and also by taking concrete steps in your company. Good job, indeed!

(So which arise a question Are you also a leader? – only answer if you’re comfortable sharing otherwise it’s okay)

No, I am not a leader. Rather, I’m trying to be self-employed, but am very slow in taking action – quite the opposite of you 🙂 So I am learning something from you too – how to take action and not be afraid of it. So thank you, too! 🙂

Dear SereneWolf,

thanks for the tip, I’ll inquire about the Crizal lenses.

Good to hear your therapist is a licensed one and has 5 year experience. And yes, working from the ground up, from the root chakra makes sense. And yes, humming can be useful for the thyroid gland, so that’s a good exercise too. But like you said, best if you have your thyroid checked (ultrasound plus bloodwork). If you need hormone supplementation, there’s medicine for that and can be regulated pretty easily.

As for surrendering, you said: I mean I said for my controlling behaviour and that I’m being hard on myself

You did say earlier that you tend to get angry when someone says No to you:

And for anger
I found out that there is still some level of controlling behavior
Because of someone says No I can’t directly accept it. It really opened my eyes that it’s just my expatiations towards them.

Does this happen at work? Or in your private life?

Yes It’s my last semester. After that I want to apply for a MBA because I found out that lot of management positions does require MBA so..

Cool! Yes, a lot of management position require MBA, so I guess you’ll have even greater chances, i.e. a wider range of opportunities, with an MBA degree.

I’ve just watched that video and two another about parents.
I agree with him and also that dependency is not there so why let control? And the need for approval

Right… the problem is that even though we are adults, there’s the still the inner child in us. And it’s the inner child that would do anything to get his parents’ love and approval. That’s why parents have such an influence (often a negative one) on us. But once we re-parent our inner child, this influence lessens and we’re much less affected by our parents’ expectations… and can really be adults. As Henry Cloud said, we can honor our parents, but not allow them to control our lives.

I have to work with cross functional teams. So there are different managers for different teams but yeah this one is a good fella.

Good, at least one good fella 🙂 How is it with others? Is there a specific person that is hard to work with, and you’re struggling to say No to him, or assert yourself?

It was really good even though I’m still not that much good at presenting and storytelling. But they listened carefully. I’ve also talked about anonymous feedback and PR manager said they’ll start working on this documentations… So I hope to see what good changes it brings

Excellent! You’re really quick in trying out new things and taking action – that’s admirable! I also hope it will bring positive changes and improve the overall work climate and employees satisfaction.

Even though I don’t have much power in my hands rn but I do feel like there is lot things I can do where I can make a good impact.

You do have some power as manager… so yes, you can make a positive impact. So just keep doing the great work that you’ve started!

Thank you for your advice on becoming a freelancer. I’ve already implemented some of that, such as social media presence, a couple of years ago. But then the pandemic came and I got too worried about health, and it just paralyzed me. So now I need to start again, get active again…. and this is my plan for 2023.

Thanks for all the great advice, specially what you said: don’t over research! Because I do tend to study everything in advance, taking way too much time on that, while procrastinating to take action. So this is one big thing that needs to change…

Dear SereneWolf,

good you went to check your TSH level. My advice is to do an ultrasound too, just to make sure there is no autoimmune disease. Although if your TSH is within limits, I guess the chance of autoimmune disease is lower too.

I’d say more in private life but it’s lot better than before

Alright, so you’re better at accepting people’s No, it doesn’t make you so angry any more. If you want to talk about it more, you’re welcome.

Yes definitely. And the thing is that I think after getting an MBA degree I’d be even more confident because right now without bachelor’s or master’s I’m on Manager position. So it does feel inadequate to other people. Because there are some people who finished their Masters and working under me so…

I understand…. yes I guess it’s beneficial to have a university degree if you’re a boss in a tech company. And having an MBA is an additional big plus!

I started taking care of my inner child… with my childhood photo also I talk to my inner child and try to compassionate with him

Excellent! You said that your inner child is trying to get your parents’ approval (Yes exactly and that’s what my inner child is trying as well.). Can you recognize when what happens? And do you have a way to soothe yourself (your inner child), tell him he is good enough etc?

Yes the marketing manager. He’s super persuasive. Definitely like a wall street sells guys. With sweet talkin’ he just makes you say Yes… But what I do now is that I don’t schedule lot of meeting with him. Instead, just make him deal with my assistant and then later I answer him via email. In email writings he can’t win against me

Smart! Reducing face-to-face contact, when he might “sweet talk” you into accepting some unfavorable things for you and your team…  and instead, communicating via email. Cool! And so he’s not too pushy with you in emails?

Hmm I see nowadays social media algorithms are very strict. So you have to be consistent with your content otherwise algorithms just put you way out from the platform.

Yes, that’s a great advice. I know, consistency is one of the key things. If you’re not active all the time, you get forgotten and the algorithm skips you…

And thank you for those two links. I love what it says in one of the articles: “You’ll see that the real project is the best teacher. … In a long run, one mediocre project is worth a few books and online courses. Learn from your own mistakes.”

Yes, I’ve realized that in the meanwhile…

Dear SereneWolf,

Merry Christmas to you too! I am fine, thank you.

Well my TSH levels aren’t within limits 6.67 so (Ref Range – 0.4 and 4.5) (mU/L) That’s why I started the treatment

So it’s hypothyroidism… could be autoimmune disease too (Hashimoto syndrome). That’s why I’d check it on the ultrasound as well, just to be sure.

Okay so I spent some time with my parents and I can safely say they’re aren’t like before.

I am glad to hear that!

I used to think they just prefer to judge me all the time. But I think it’s because of the past patterns I’m thinking like that and I need their approval and I don’t want to disappoint them.

Yes, it’s because of the old patterns – they did judge you quite a lot in the past, and it sticks. It gets “engraved” into our brain…

But another thing is that now I don’t crave any validation from them. Which I think little better

But I do feel like fear of disappointment is still there

So you feel you don’t need their approval and validation any more, but you do fear you’d disappoint them?

Nowadays I’m feeling emotional and kind of anxious as well (I can’t think of a reason why) So I’m just telling myself to take a long breath and look how far you’ve come and be proud of that and take little steps from there…Everything will be alright

That’s a good way to soothe yourself. You’re having lots of compassion for yourself. And you’re telling yourself that everything will be fine, which is a good way to reassure yourself. So you’re doing a great job parenting your inner child!

No. His skills are more you can say face to face. And In email he’s not able to put up with well pointed like me.

Great! Glad you can manage it so well!

Because all person’s situations are scenarios are different and that’s why trying different things and implementation that’s what also gives you the confidence for that work you’re doing or the goal you’re going towards

Yes, I need to try it and see what works and what doesn’t… for me.

Dear SereneWolf,

yes, hypothyrodism and Hashimoto have similar symptoms and the same treatment (hormone supplementation), but it’s still good to know what exactly the diagnosis is, and how your thyroid looks like. For example, an acquaintance of mine has hypothyroidism because his thyroid is physically too small. He doesn’t have Hashimo (i.e. the structure of the gland is fine), but it is simply too small to produce enough hormone. And so he needs to take supplementation.

Yes so I’m trying to erase that engraved thing. I literally had a dream like a week ago before my parents planning to visit, and I was anxious what’s going to happen. But thankfully everything went well.

 Yes [you fear you’d disappoint them]. Like even for little things sometimes

It seems to me you’re still trying to meet their expectations, and you might still fear their judgment. You said earlier that they approve of the field of work you’ve chosen (IT industry). But had you chosen something else, they might not approve of it, because you said they do make comments about other young people from your place of origin choosing the “wrong” path.

So their judgmental attitude hasn’t disappeared, it seems to me, but it’s not currently pointed against you, because you’re meeting their expectations (finishing your bachelor’s degree and planning to enroll an MBA). But should you fail, or do things slower than expected, perhaps you fear they would judge you again?

Another option is that they really stopped being judgmental (which in my opinion is a less probable option), and your fear of not meeting their expectations stems only from the past.

But even if they aren’t judgmental any more, it is your inner critic that is judging you for not being good enough, for not meeting your own expectations as quickly as possible. Here is an example from your other thread, where you said that you fear you’re not learning fast enough:

I’m in competitive environment like where all people like, Grow this metrics, learn this, learn that skill we’re fast pacing company and etc.. so all this fast learning maybe making me feel very competitive and that’s why inside my head I be like I do have to be better otherwise I’d be behind like before.. so it’s that fear

It’s a pressure – coming from your inner critic – to perform better, quicker, faster… not only in the technical skills but also in the soft skills. You’ve asked me in your latest post how to learn the soft skills methodically (how you’re noting things down? For Learning in general. I’m thinking about creating the new framework for learning for kind of the soft skills and things I have to work on…). You also said that this pressure to learn new things as quickly as possible overwhelms you (I do feel overwhelmed sometimes).

It’s really commendable that you’re so enthusiastic about learning, and specially learning the soft skills and being as good a leader as possible. And I am impressed by your willingness to learn and implement new things. However, I think that a part of your motivation comes from the feeling of not being good enough, i.e. the inner critical voice is pushing you to master all these skills as soon as possible. Which is making you feel overwhelmed and lagging behind.

So there’s a healthy drive for learning, it seems to me, and an unhealthy drive as well. The latter stems from a feeling of lack, not being good enough, and not wanting to be a failure. In other words, it seems to me that a part of your motivation for learning stems from not wanting to disappoint your parents. Would you say that’s true?

Dear SereneWolf,

thank you for your best wishes! I too wish you a happy, healthy and successful (yet serene 🙂 ) New Year!!

I guess but I don’t want this fear because it’s limiting fear

Yes, it is limiting… fear of your parents’ judgment makes you anxious and drains your energy, as you’ve once said. I think the only antidote to that fear is to tell yourself that even if your parents judge you, you won’t judge yourself. In other words, to have compassion for yourself, even if your parents don’t.

This is so true because of my impatience

Right.. so your inner critic took over the judgemental attitude of your parents and is pushing you to perform faster, better…. An image comes to mind of you being like a jockey, pushing and hitting your horse to run faster and faster… and being angry at him if he cannot run so fast.

Again right but I talked about this with a friend and she told me that striving to be better ain’t wrong just being self-compassionate along is what should I do…

That’s absolutely true – striving to be better isn’t wrong in itself. But you yourself admitted that you push yourself hard because you’re impatient. Which means you’re not compassionate with yourself when it comes to learning new skills and your job performance in general.

Hmm for this I’d say that I’m not sure. But could be the root cause because Since teenage Most of the time my expectations are higher from myself first.

You’ve moved away from home when you were 16. Maybe you wanted to move away from your parents’ relentless judgment… But the thing is that by that time your inner critic had already soaked in their judgments, and so you’ve become your own worst critic. Even if your parents are (or seem) much milder nowadays, it is you who is pushing yourself hard…