Dear Addy:

“I’m someone who prefers action…I’m not afraid of IRL and I enjoyed it quite a lot“- then who a more than THREE rears LDR and a 2-months new one?

Also, isn’t it unfair and unwise to pressure a young woman whom you never met, and with whom you have had strictly only online communication for a couple of months- to move (or to consider to move) to another country/ continent so to live with a man she is… yet to meet in-person for the first time?

(I will be away from the computer for a few hours).

anita

Dear Addy:

I re-read your posts on both threads for the purpose of understanding your LDR-s better. Here are relevant quotes and my comments/ questions (you don’t owe me any answers, so please answer only if you feel comfortable answering):

“My 3 year long distance relationship didn’t worked out. I’m in another Long distance relationship.. And that voice inside is like doubtful this one would work out.. Even though it’s lot different than before..  I love her so much… I did built up kind of Insecure-avoidant attachment pattern which I’m still working on”-

– Insecure attachment is an umbrella term that describes people who experience high levels of anxiety in the context of relationships, not trusting their partner to meet their needs, and experiencing fear and uncertainty. Insecure-avoidant attachment is associated with avoiding intimacy. Well, Addy, carrying on  long-distance relationships with women you never met in-person is a way to avoid intimacy, and therefore, to lessen your anxiety.

“I’ve dealt with very Low self-esteem…..I’m mostly very critical of myself… when some gives me any physical compliment, I can’t accept without doubting or questioning myself“- being in long-distance relationships with women who never met you is a way to avoid being given the opposite of physical compliments: physical criticisms and perhaps insults.

“Sometimes I also put that pressure of being better on my girlfriend as well e.g. For eating, and sleeping healthy by being strict with her (LDR and time difference so you know)…  I feel like sometimes I force them to be better… She’s mostly complaining that I’m being hard on her“- sometimes you turn your inner criticism outward: criticizing your LDR girlfriend. The so called Inner Critic often turns into an Outer Critic, and back and forth. The two critics are like two sides of the same coin.

“As a child I’ve.. Always listened to my parents and Grandparents and (been) someone who is not very demanding. I’ve sacrificed for lot of things and never asked for it“- do you carry anger within you, for sacrificing and not asking for anything?

“Today in my interview Recruiter told me I’m really calm and friendly person (Somehow, I was able to accept this compliment – because I started to believe that long ago”– do you pay a heavy price for being really calm and friendly: suppressing anger perhaps, or suffering extra anxiety?

“I’m thinking about stepping back from my LDR that I talked to you about… (and) just have a good time with someone who’s near me?… I’m not afraid of IRL. I had IRL and I enjoyed it quite a lot“- if you’d like to share about your irl relationship experience, please do. (I am asking this question and all other questions because your answers will help me understand you better… and perhaps it will help you understand you better)

anita

Dear Addy:

You are welcome. It will take courage on your part to carry on an irl relationship for the first time in a very long time (4 years, approximately?), and to approach a woman first, for the first time in your life.

“How should I start working on that (not turning your self-criticism outward)?“- because inner criticism (criticizing yourself) and outer criticism (criticizing others) go hand in hand, being like two sides of the same coin, you go about it by noticing when you start criticizing yourself and/ or another person, and abort the criticism. Instead of criticizing yourself,  guide yourself compassionately, and provide others with compassion, instead of criticism.

I asked you if you carry anger with you for having sacrificed for your parents and not asking them for anything, and you answered: “No. Not at all. I’m actually grateful for what they gave me“. Later, on the same post, you wrote in regard to girls: “I was always on the edge it was really easy to make me angry… and I was crazy stubborn“- so, you are sure that all your anger has to do with the girls you kind-of dated, and none with your parents: no anger toward your parents, ever?

I asked you if you pay a heavy price for being (or appearing to be) really calm and friendly, suppressed anger or extra anxiety, and you answered: “I’m not sure about this. How should I figure this out?“- you can start by answering (if you will) the question right above, in the previous paragraph.

“Even at that time they (were) asking (for) commitment and I wasn’t ready for that at all so Yeah commitment issues as well“- this makes me wonder if you felt stuck living at home with your parents, and whether this was the reason that you left home and lived away from your parents at the age of 17, I think it was… ?

anita

Dear Addy:

You are welcome and good day to you too. I asked you: “no anger toward your parents, ever?”, and you didn’t answer my question by either intent or it just so happens that you didn’t. You are welcome to leave it unanswered, if you so prefer.

I wrote to you: “This makes me wonder if you felt stuck living at home with your parents…?” You responded with a question: “Hmm? What does this have to do with commitment issues?”- my answer: people fear committing to a relationship with another person because they don’t want to find themselves stuck with that person: not having an easy way out.

anita

Dear Addy:

“my Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), like lot of people my parents didn’t knew my emotional need… My mom has always been kind to me and supported me no matter what” (Oct 2, Oct 18)- your mother was always kind to you, supported you no matter what and yet, she didn’t know about your emotional needs and therefore you suffer from CEN?

anita