* Dear Tee: I wish you full recovery from Covid sooner than later!

Dear Addy:

I read Tee’s most recent post (I read all her posts in all of the threads), and I very much agree with it, particularly with “it seems to me that you believe… that you need to fake it in relationships“. I felt that you were faking it with me, in the context of our online interactions, many times, and I often felt uncomfortable as a result. I will preface the following by saying that this is my personal experience with your writing; I am not saying that every person feels or would feel like I do:

You presented yourself as overly positive: two of many examples, Oct 2: “Dear Anita: I hope you’re having great Sunday morning (a smiley sun emoji)”-  a nice Sunday morning would be enough for me. Wishing me a GREAT morning feels exaggerated, and makes me wonder: do you have great weekends? Oct 22: “Dear Anita, Hope you’re having a happy weekend“- do you have happy weekends? Is Addy’s life happy and great, and he therefore wishes the same for me?

If (in another dimension) I was your age and I was your long-distance girlfriend, and this is how you opened your communications with me, I would feel inadequate for not having great and happy weekends myself, wondering:  what’s wrong with me for not having weekends as happy and as great as Addy’s?

While I am at it, examples: Oct 2: “Dear Anita. How was your weekend?“, Oct 29: “Dear Anita: How are you? Good Plans for the weekend?” – too close, too friendly, we are not that close. Feels Fake to me.

anita

Dear Addy:

I re-read our communication on this thread, and I realize that there is nothing I can add to it. I said it all and there is nothing more for me to say. You are welcome to re-read any or all of it yourself. I wish you well as I withdraw from this thread.

anita

Dear Addy,

thank you for you empathy, I appreciate it.

Maybe yeah I guess… and also I felt like she’s just doing too much for me, So I didn’t felt it right and I felt pressured and after that I started to question myself if I really love her.. So that’s why

So yeah with my 1st girlfriend I wasn’t very vulnerable

Right… so it seems to me that she felt inferior in your relationship, specially since you’ve never or rarely shared about your own weaknesses and vulnerability. So you were the “perfect guy”, and she probably felt inadequate. She was trying to impress you, was doing things that you liked and was probably afraid to tell you that she doesn’t really enjoy those activities that much.

You say you also felt pressured because she did too much for you. So you had an impression that she is trying too much, trying to be someone else, not being authentic. I guess her reason was that she was afraid of rejection, so she tried to mold herself into something she isn’t, so you wouldn’t reject her.

But you’ve noticed that she’s not really enjoying the activities that you enjoy, but is only pretending. You’ve noticed that she’s not honest with you, that she’s faking it, and not being authentic. And you didn’t like that about her. So you stopped being attracted to her, and eventually left her. Does this roughly describe what happened?

with later two girlfriends yes.. but like after spending few months…

So you were more vulnerable with your later two girlfriends. You did share some of your “imperfections” and self-doubts. And how did they respond to that?

You said that you start feeling trapped very soon after the initial elation about the girl. So when you shared those weaknesses or yours, being authentic, several months into the relationship – at that point did you already start feeling trapped in the relationship?

Dear Addy,

sorry for the late reply, I’ve had a setback with covid, and have started having sleep problems at night and headaches during the day 🙁 So I am not at my best, even though the respiratory symptoms are almost gone.

They both were supportive and trying show me the bright side. But even though I felt like I was being too much vulnerable with them and they’re kind of not that much open? But that may could be also because I told them about my complaining thing

This seems like you’re afraid of showing too much vulnerability, i.e. “weakness”, and you’re also comparing themselves to them. Like, you don’t want to seem “weaker” or “lesser” than them,  even though they were supportive and not judgmental when you shared those self-doubts with them. So maybe there’s the fear of being seen as weak by your girlfriend, and also the fear of being seen as weaker than your girlfriend. Would you say that’s true?

So, weak is bad, but weaker than is even worse?

All that can be related to the way you were brought up, and your fear of showing vulnerability/weakness both in front of your mother and father.

As for the fear of commitment, it can very well be related to the fear of emotional intimacy/vulnerability, which boils down to the fear of being seen as not good enough, as lesser than, as inadequate. Like, you don’t want a committed relationship with someone who might down the line judge you for your imperfections? Or an even deeper fear: you don’t want a committed relationship, because it would sooner or later reveal all of your (perceived) imperfections and weaknesses to the person, and you couldn’t bear that?

So maybe, your fear of commitment is the fear of being “revealed” as imperfect, weak, not good enough?

So because of this fear of commitment and etc I talked to my friends and they told to go for casual things.. And I’m still confused if that’s really for me or not because I need to feel connected as well but without too much attachment…

I wouldn’t recommend casual relationships because it’s never a solution and only causes more pain. Instead, my suggestion is to work through those fears (e.g the fear of being seen as not good enough – if that applies), and develop true self-esteem, free from the wounds of the past. And then start dating again, when you see yourself with new eyes…

Dear Addy,

thank you, I’ll try turmeric (just googled it, didn’t know about sleep-inducing properties of turmeric…)

I think Yes. and That’s why the shield because showing weakness meaning afraid of more attacks you know?

I see… your assumption here is that when you show weakness, you’ll be attacked. Although you said that when you did share some of your weaknesses and vulnerability, both of your girlfriends showed understanding for it. They didn’t attack you, condemn you or ridicule you.

But the problem is that your father did attack you and condemn you harshly for not performing a certain way, be it handing him the proper tool perfectly, or finishing proper school (one that he deems good and respectable enough). If you failed at any of his expectations, I guess you were judged for being “weak” in his eyes. Whereas your mother condemned you for being weak if you couldn’t control your anger. You were supposed to be “strong enough” (or “wise enough”) to take your father’s abuse silently.

So both of your parents condemned you for showing some form of weakness – whatever each of them deemed as weakness.

And so due to your childhood/youth programming, you adopted a false belief that showing weakness means opening a hunting season on yourself. Allowing others to attack you. While that’s not true at all… but it is true in your worldview, based on your childhood experience.

Can you see now how our childhood experience shapes our worldview, i.e. the narrative we live and operate in? To you, showing weakness means being attacked. And this is probably what prevents you from emotional intimacy…

I do worry about showing myself as a weak person. Because part of me doesn’t accept that I’m a weak person, The things I’ve been through the weaker person wouldn’t be able to pass that. I know I’m very resilient and strong about what I want.

You’re not a weak person – your parents gave you that message. They’ve convinced you that you are. And a part of you (your inner child) believes them. Another part fights against it. That’s the Protector, who says “you can’t hurt me, I’ll never admit that you’ve hurt me.”

You are indeed very resilient (you’ve lived on your own since you were 16 or 17, right?)… but regardless of that, a part of you (your wounded inner child) feels weak. And the Protector part will do anything in his power not to show it to anyone. The Protector part will do everything to appear strong and cool. That’s the part that often uses sarcasm…

On another hand If I do start the dating or relationship, I make sure fulfilling my responsibilities from my side. Giving proper attention, Communication, Planning and Spending time together.

Seems like you really want to be prepared for a “project” called relationship. You want to plan everything, so you wouldn’t fail and none of your weaknesses gets revealed, right? You want to pass it with flying colors…. But the thing is that if you plan too much, perhaps spontaneity is lost? If it’s a project, and you’re the project manager… what’s the role of your girlfriend? The one who goes along and fulfills the plan set by you? I am being provocative here on purpose, but do think about it….

I do have what you can say “Do not settle” mindset.

Yes, I understand… but I don’t think your reason for not settling is the fear of missing out. Because you said you’ve never approach the girl first – it’s always them who approached you. This tells me you’re not a butterfly, wandering from flower to flower, afraid to miss out… You might have been fine alone, had those girls not initiated a relationship with you.

That’s why I think your fear of settling and commitment is caused by what we’ve discussed above: your fear of showing weakness, i.e. being seen as weak.

Dear Addy,

thanks for asking, I am able to sleep again (a tremendous relief), so I am very happy! Now I am only experiencing a slight loss of taste and smell, but that’s not such a big deal and I hope it will get better with time.

that’s why I said I need to develop the trust first. And I do have trust issues as well so… Are you suggesting that I should be vulnerable and showing weakness with everyone? At this day and age?

When we operate under a false premise that people are out there to attack us for showing weakness, then no amount of trust will be enough. You yourself said that both of your girlfriends were supportive where you expressed some self-doubt, and yet, you haven’t started trusted them suddenly, right? You were still afraid that maybe you shared too much and that they haven’t shared that much about their own weaknesses, which might put you in an unfavorable position.

You see? Their supportive reaction didn’t do anything to disperse that fear of yours and make you trust them more…

Are you suggesting that I should be vulnerable and showing weakness with everyone? At this day and age?

No, not at all. Not everyone is well intentioned and have our best interest in mind. You don’t need to show too much vulnerability in professional settings. Or with acquaintances and people you only know superficially. Or even with some family members, with whom you don’t feel safe.

But what we’re discussing here are romantic relationships. That’s a different ball game altogether. There you do need emotional intimacy, and in order to have emotional intimacy, you need to be honest and open, including about your own dilemmas, fears, what worries you etc. And you’d need to be open to listen to your partner if she has such worries herself, and empathize with her, without judgment.

Both of you would need to be free to be yourself in the relationship, i.e. to be authentic, without sugar-coating things, pretending, hiding parts of yourself, or walking on eggshells etc.

I do like the spontaneity… I’m actually a Product Manager so maybe that’s why I’m just more organizational.

Okay, the fact that you like planning ahead isn’t a bad thing. We need a healthy balance of planning and spontaneity.

About the weaknesses I may or may not be afraid of that thing. Because I’m sharply honest… And another thing is that I think is weaknesses are just some things you haven’t learned yet and to be honest it can be fun too. … But for emotional weaknesses in particular I haven’t revealed too much I accept that.

Right, so weakness as in “lack of skill” doesn’t bother you too much, because things can be learned. But it is the emotional “weakness” that is worrying to you, that’s what you’re afraid of. That would include feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, impatience, envy, jealousy and other negative feelings that you may have either towards yourself, your partner, or other people. I am not saying you have all those feelings, just that these emotions would be unacceptable for you to express to your partner, right?

For example, you said you’ve been trying to be patient with your current girlfriend… but I can imagine it was hard for you, and you might have been trying to hide your anger and impatience? You didn’t want to show it, but yet, you felt it?

When I said “Do not settle” mindset I meant more for like places because I’m just changing cities every few months. I need to explore lot of places and wonders of nature.

So you like your dynamic job, where you get to change cities every few months, and explore various places and nature in those areas? That in fact is not in contradiction with having a deep, intimate relationship. Because you’re not talking about getting married and having children any time soon (the latter would require to settle down in one place). You’re still in the phase of looking for a suitable partner, right? And perhaps a suitable partner for you would be someone who shares the wanderlust, who likes to travel and hike and enjoys similar activities like you do. What I am trying to say is that having a deep, intimate relationship is not in contradiction with e.g. your love for adventure.

However, fear of emotional intimacy is indeed in contradiction with having a deep, intimate relationship. Those two don’t go together.

Regarding the battle between your weak part, and your seemingly invincible part:

It’s the confusion and battle between these two things does tires me emotionally sometimes

I don’t even think it’s a battle, but I think it’s more that the “invincible” part (the Protector) is defending the “weak” part (the inner child). No one knows (but you) that you feel weak inside, or to be more precise, that emotionally you don’t feel strong because things bother you much more than you would like to admit, right?

Anyway, I think the solution is in rewriting some key scripts from your childhood, i.e. saying what needs to be said to your parents. Don’t worry, you don’t need to say it out loud to them, but you do need to – in your imagination – defend yourself from your father’s verbal abuse. You, the adult Addy, need to protect little Addy (your inner child) from your father’s abuse, telling him in no uncertain terms that you will not allow him to talk to little Addy like that and to back off.

Also, the adult Addy (in your imagination) needs to explain to his mother that taking abuse silently is not a virtue, and that you don’t want to allow your father to abuse little Addy any more. Tell her she might have meant well, but has caused you harm. Instead of putting some sense into her husband and demanding that he (an adult man) treats you differently, she expected her son to be the mature one. She allowed the abuse to happen, while maintaining the illusion of “peace” in the family.

The above is called finishing the unfinished business. The best would be to do it in therapy, with a skillful therapist. (Don’t do it to your parents’ faces). The idea is to express what you need to express, feel all your emotions (including anger and hurt) and by doing that, put an end to the “old script”. The old script is where you just endured and accepted abuse silently, made excuses for your father, and pretended that all is fine in front of your mother.

By finishing the unfinished business you open yourself up for a new script. And in the new script you’ll feel differently about yourself too – you won’t feel emotionally weak and you won’t need to pretend that you are strong. You’ll be strong and vulnerable at the same time.

What do you say?