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December 22, 2019 at 5:12 am #328925
DanielParticipantHi !
I really need to express my feelings about something that happened yesterday night.
About two months ago, I met a girl. Let’s call her D. I am in a music band and D is one of the new members for this year. Very soon, I became somehow attracted to her. I still like to look at her, I want to to know her and spend time with her. I had the chance to have a drink with her two weeks after meeting her for the first time. We talked for several hours about what we love and time flew for her and me. We said goodbye and each of us went back home. I tried two or three times to see her again but it never happened. Either she told me she was busy or either I was busy. However, I still see her twice a week when we jam with our band. My desire to know her made me sending her messages regularly (every two or three days). But I always am the one to initiate those conversations. I don’t know what to think about that. Good thing is we’re going to a concert together on March. I hope things will get better until then.
Fastforward to last night. We had a show in a party room. The show was nice and we had fun. Then we all stayed for the party. I spent time with D but there was always someone else around. Then came this guy. There was D, me and him. I left her with him in order to get myself a drink and when I came back, they were kissing eachother. I felt sad and hurt. I wanted to go home and cry. I know that it may sound foolish to feel this way. I sat next to a guy who was on his own and asked him if I could talk to him about something that was bothering me. He kindly said I could. So we spent more than an hour talking about our lives. I discovered that he was a bit like me. An introvert who struggles to live in a world that seems to be made for extroverts. About D he told me that I should tell myself that she may have kissed that guy because she was drunk. But why would she do that when I’m near her and that she probably know that I like her? He told me that I should be patient and try to get a date with her. Talking felt like lifting a heavy load from my heart. I didn’t want to cry anymore. Then as we were talking, I saw D passing in front of us. She was heading for the exit, probably going home. I didn’t try to follow her and maybe talk to her. Maybe I should have. Then, 30 seconds later I see the guy she was kissing heading to exit too. I think that he wanted to have sex with her but D probably didn’t. I kept talking to my new friend, thanked him for hearing me, got his number and headed back to the dancefloor. I stumbled across a girl from my band. Let’s call her A. A was very drunk and I started to dance with her. Then she kissed me. It felt nice, her lips were smooth. We did it for a couple of times. Then the party was over. I tried to find A but I lost her. As I was heading home, I send her a text in order to know if she was ok. She answered that she was going home with a friend of hers (a girl). I was glad to know that she wasn’t on her own.
I know that I should not expect something from A. She was very drunk when she kissed me. But I still think about D. Actually, I crave to talk to her, maybe tell her how I feel. But I’m pretty sure that she would reject me and that would destroy all my hopes of being in a relationship with her. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid that she sees me as a friend and can’t imagine a relationship with me. It really bothers me.
Thanks for reading, I’d be glad to hear what you think about my story
December 22, 2019 at 6:48 am #328933
AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
Welcome back, good to read from you again!
I hope you talk again with the guy you talked with at the party last night, he sounds compatible with you and I think that the input he gave you was intelligent and valuable: “he told me that I should tell myself that she may have kissed that guy because she was drunk… that I should be patient and try to get a date with her”.
You wrote that he is a bit like you, “An introvert who struggles to live in a world that seems to be made for extroverts”- two introverts can help each other do better in a world that is made for extroverts.
He already helped you last night: “Talking felt like lifting a heavy load from my heart. I didn’t want to cry anymore”- it helps a whole lot to express yourself to someone who listens and understands, and who gives you valuable input. The more of these exchanges that you have, the less lonely and depressed you will be, and the more motivated you will be in your studies and in your social life. These kinds of exchanges are like cold wind touching your face on a walk outdoors(after being indoors for too long).
Regarding D, the young woman you are interested in- be brave. Be kind and direct with her and express to her your intent, to get to know her better, to consider a romantic relationship. She may say yes, she may say no, and she may say.. nothing at all, or maybe, or whatever it is that she may say.
But bravery is an attractive feature in men, for most women. And you are already brave. Not fearless, of course, but brave. You can do that. If she doesn’t say Yes, you will survive it and take it from there.
What do you think/ feel about what I wrote here?
anita
December 22, 2019 at 8:27 am #328949DanielParticipantHi anita,
It’s good to hear from you.
I think that you’re right about being direct with D. Now that I think about it, I may not have shown to her that I am interested in a romantic relationship. I’m going to give her some hints about it and get a date with her. Still, I don’t want to be too straight about my feelings. We’ve known each other for three months now and it’s understandable that she can’t feel the same. Sometimes it takes time to grow some feelings for someone else. I don’t know how to say it but I don’t want to break the actual lightness in our relationship with some serious and heavy words such as ‘I really like you, I wish I could spend more time with you’.
About the guy I met last night. I’ll try to see him in a couple of days.
About being brave. I think I can be brave when I’m alone with someone. But it’s true that it’s very much harder at a party for instance. I never really liked going to parties. I used to feel aloof and unable to connect with people. But even now, I know that it is not the kind of place for me and I can’t help but feeling bored very quick.
What do you think about A? Should I send her a text?
December 22, 2019 at 8:46 am #328951AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
1-to-1 is a better social context for you, so it is best that whatever contact you do suggest to D should be in this context of just the two of you. My favorite 1-to-1 context is to sit with someone in a coffee shop, it is a public place but not noisy, so there is the benefit of not being totally alone with someone (especially in a beginning-dating situation) and being able to have a private conversation in a quiet enough environment.
Regarding A, I don’t see a reason to not send her a text. This is the benefit of you not being in a relationship, you are free to contact any woman you want to contact.
anita
December 22, 2019 at 12:54 pm #328971DanielParticipantDear anita,
You’re definitely right about 1 to 1. And thanks for the coffee shop idea.
And I agree with you regarding A. Why not getting to know her if I can? haha
Thank you for the tips and for your wisdom, I’ll come back if needed
December 22, 2019 at 1:26 pm #328979AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
You are welcome and do come back anytime you need to. I will be glad to read and reply every time you post.
anita
December 22, 2019 at 8:32 pm #329043
NekoshemaParticipantHey Daniel,
I know how you feel. I’ve been in situations like this a lot. If you’re anything like me, you’ve built up this idea in your mind and that’s what’s fueling your nerves/infatuation around D. As terrifying as it is [and I know it is] you need to tell her how you feel. Go somewhere where it’s just the two of you [neutral place like a cafe] and tell her. Don’t blurt it out, but after a few minutes, you’re comfortable, explain how you feel, and tell her [I’m assuming here] you would like to go out on a date, but if she doesn’t feel that way, you’re happy to remain as friends. Think of all the reasons why you like her. Sure, you’re attracted to her, but all her positive qualities as a person, you like her as a person, so is it really so bad if she says she just wants to be your friend? It can be awkward, and it can take time to heal, but you can still be friends if romance isn’t in the cards. Should you refuse to tell her, you’ll feel worse, trust me. You’ll build your fears of telling her, and you’ll be in pain physically and emotionally. While trying to flirt or give signals to test the water is a safe move, don’t rely on it. Sure, three months may seem new, but if you wait too long, she might see you as a friend by the time you finally tell her how you feel.
From what you’ve posted, I don’t know if she likes you as more than a friend or not, but you might be playing it too subtle so she doesn’t realize you like her that way. I’m glad you found someone to talk to in the moment instead of ruminating on it alone. I can’t weigh in on the “she was drunk/she didn’t mean it” thing, but as someone who used to drink a lot at parties, the notion of lowered inhibitions causing you to make out with anyone is very likely [I would just hope no major creeps were near D to take advantage of her] above all, I would hope you have the moral fortitude in the situation to know where the line is and to not cross it, as well as to insure D [or anyone who is intoxicated] is safe.
Regarding A, I hope you’re not planning to use her as a backup in case things don’t work out with D. It isn’t fair or kind to you or to A. That said, there’s no reason not to remain friends with A. Should things progress romantically, there’s no harm in pursuing her. Even if you simply wish to be A’s friend, don’t feel guilty for texting her, you have no reason to be.
Best of luck to you.
December 23, 2019 at 1:33 pm #329157DanielParticipantHey Nekoshema,
Maybe I’m selfish but I really want her to be my girlfriend. I want it so bad. Maybe this time things will work out. I really crave for it and I know that it’s a bad habit to think that way.
I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t like me more than a friend. And that is the reason why I’m so scared of telling her how I feel. I don’t want to get rejected. To feel miserable again. By the way, it always bothers me that she almost never answers my texts right away. She can take 10 minutes to an hour.
Oh and A left me on ‘read’ when I asked her when she’s going on holiday.
I’m seeing D on Thursday’s afternoon (just had an anxiety attack an hour when I was thinking how bad it could go)
December 23, 2019 at 6:15 pm #329197NekoshemaParticipantI know the feeling, and I really hope it works out for you, but remember, are you falling for her, or the image of her in your mind?
I also know how frustrating it can be when someone you care about doesn’t instantly reply. Remind yourself they can be busy. I would like to say, ten minutes to an hour for a response is quite good. As an adult with friends working completely different schedules [three office workers, two in call centres and the rest retail] having ten minutes to wait is bliss sometimes I have to wait four to eight hours and get a text that begins “sorry, work was crazy, I almost forgot to take my lunch.” Granted, I know that doesn’t help because in that time my anxiety-riddled brain can go bonkers.
I would still tell her how you feel so at least you’ll know and can stop living in this purgatory of “maybe, maybe not.” I would also look up some ways to avoid hyper-focusing and dwelling on an infatuation
December 24, 2019 at 4:10 am #329241DanielParticipantThank you Nekoshema for your answer
Actually I may be falling for the image of her in my mind. And that is why I want to spend more time with her so I can see her as she is and not as I see her now.
Anyway, I still don’t know if I’m going to tell her how I feel on Thursday but I don’t want to waste my Christmas because of these thoughts. So I’m going to let it be until I see her.
I wish you a merry Christmas 🙂
January 5, 2020 at 12:53 pm #331227DanielParticipantHey, it’s me again.
I feel devastated. I learnt this morning from a friend of D that D don’t consider me as something else than a friend. I’m indeed in the friendzone. I can’t describe properly how I feel. It’s as though something heavy fell on my head. A bit dizzy, extremely sad, can’t stop crying, but the pain remains. It’s a nightmare. I can’t think properly, I’m still in shock. It feels as if I’m bleeding without interruption.
That friend of D told me that D has been trying to tell me that she don’t consider me as something else than a friend but failed because she fears that she may hurt my feelings. It means that she cares at least a bit for me.
I don’t know what to do and I feel that I won’t be able to work properly in the next days. I really hope that I will feel better tomorrow. I’ve been thinking about inviting her somewhere in order to talk about all of this (even though I’d prefer if she was the one coming inviting to talk)
January 6, 2020 at 7:02 am #331263
MichelleParticipantHi Daniel. I have felt these feelings of rejection in the past too, as I believe many of us have. They can feel immeasurably great and permanent and yet impermanence is something we can always rely on. The brain acts as if it is withdrawing from hard drugs when we are rejected, and thus explains some of the relative severity of your emotions.
Watch the thoughts and feelings as you have them, feel them as great as you wish to, but realize that they are not your entirety. They will lose momentum and things will get easier. Attachment to ideas, people etc. causes us great pain. This is momentary attachment that will lessen with time and awareness.
Also trust that there are many people who will wish to give you affection, share their time with you and become involved in your life. This girl has a general regard for your feelings as a human being, but she acted cowardly. Someone with real regard for you will likely act differently. There is nothing wrong with you being brave enough to give her attention and kindness and voice your feelings. Being able to give is a gift in and of itself. We just don’t always get to receive in return. I do believe the universe has ebbs and flows as mysterious as the tide that eventually cause a surplus of seashells to wash up on the beach. Gifts will be bestowed upon you. This too shall pass.
January 6, 2020 at 12:58 pm #331669AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
Dec 23 you wrote about D: “I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t like me more than a friend. And that is the reason why I’m so scared of telling her how I feel. I don’t want to get rejected. To feel miserable again”.
Jan 5 you found out from a friend that she really doesn’t like you more than a friend, just as you were “pretty sure” of eight days before, and yet, you feel shocked (“I’m still in shock”).
Are you in shock that she doesn’t like you more than a friend, or are you shocked about how much it hurts?
It may be a good idea to talk to her, so to make sure that what your friend told you is true.
No matter how much it hurts, once you know for sure, you don’t have to wonder anymore about D. Good news is that D is not the only young woman in the land. There are others, there is still a requited love story out there for you to experience!
anita
January 6, 2020 at 1:11 pm #331671DanielParticipantHi Michelle,
thank you for your words of wisdom, that is exactly what I needed. I find it reassuring to know that I’ve been rejected in the past and that even though it hurt very much, I kept on living my life afterwards.
and thank you for giving me hope for the future. I often feel like i’m in a loop in which I always end up heartbroken and giving more than I take. Hopefully it will eventually change (#impermanence).
Daniel
January 6, 2020 at 1:22 pm #331675DanielParticipantHi anita,
yesterday I think I was in shock because I learnt that she doesnt like me more than a friend. I had a terrible night and I barely slept. This afternoon, I sent her a text telling her that I’d like to see her and talk to her. She replied much later. In her reply, she told me that there’s nothing to talk about. That she didn’t like the way I tried to get close the her the other night when we were both drunk. That she doesn’t like me more than a friend and that she didn’t know that I liked her more than a friend.
I apologized to her for what happened, i could feel that she was angry in her text. I wished her a good evening. She didn’t reply.
I don’t know how things will be next time we see each other
Daniel
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