Dear anita,

so far, I haven’t moved in fully, yesterday I just got the keys and took a few things there. I will be moving in step by step, using public transport (I don’t have much furniture yet, only books, plants, art supplies, clothes etc.).

Yesterday when I went there, I was in a good mood. It’s a good sign I think. One of my roommates was there and she seems likable and friendly. They seem like they are down too earth and like they don’t have lots of big expectations of me. Of course, I want to be polite and friendly, help to keep the house clean and all of that…

And I no longer want to hide myself, like I did at the dormitory. I always get the feeling like I did something wrong here. But I don’t think so, I didn’t do anything to them. And is there really something to hide? When I feel more comfortable about myself, I will also feel more comfortable around others. Of course I will make mistakes, but I don’t want to be so hard on myself anymore.

I am not a “grey mouse” like someone said. I do have a lot of interest and ideas, but I will have to make better use of them and my time. Now that the moving is almost settled, I have more time to work on my drawings again. There are so many projects I have already in mind… Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed by my ideas and I am still too perfectionistic.

Thank you for always reading and responding, it is so kind of you. Maybe sometimes I need to share my thoughts with somebody, maybe also because I feel lonely at the moment. But next week I will maybe go hiking to the moorlands with my best friend. So hopefully, things will improve slowly, at least I want to work on it.

Dear Grenada,

sorry, I didn’t see your post before. Thank you for the video suggestion.

Dear anita,

well the woman said “poor mouse”, but someone also said “grey mouse” some time before… Maybe I was reminded of that by the “poor mouse” comment. But I don’t think those were useful comments and I don’t want to be seen like that.

I do think that moving will be healthy for me and an opportunity to start over. But I am still upset with myself for not handling things better.

And at first, I really wanted to let go of her ignoring me and just accept it. After all, she doesn’t even know me and had no possible reason to be angry at me. But I think, because I already was feeling terrible about myself back then and because every time I was feeling better something happened, I overreacted completely and hid myself. It was just too much… The only thing I can do now is forgive myself, which doesn’t come so easy for me.

Somehow, I can’t remember a time in my life when I felt more anxiety like in the last year. I think what happened is, that all of my feelings of shame and guilt that I had built up over the last years resurfaced. Before that, I was kind of numb and apathetic. Sometimes I even laughed at the bad things that happened to me. My therapist reminded me that this was not funny and she told me that she couldn’t “feel me”. Maybe because I couldn’t feel myself. Maybe the good thing that came out of all of this is, that I found a connection to myself again. And because of that I am also more motivated to make changes in my life.

At the new place, I want to try to not taking everything personally. But I think it will be easier, because by living with only two people, I will automatically know them better. the problems mainly occurred with people that don’t know me very much. Otherwise, it’s easier to talk about things. But if it happens, better to pause and think before I act.

I liked reading this one chapter in “The Four Agreements”. There it said that whatever people do, they do it because of themselves. It’s nothing personal, because it has everything to do with them, their life, their experiences, their fears. I need to remind myself of that as often as I can!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

thanks. I try to be reasonable, but sometimes my emotions become intense. In the last days I felt very emotional and there is no reason for it. Nothing terrible happened, but still I have these negative feelings and thoughts. I feel like I am my own worst enemy, always accusing myself, even when I know perfectly well, that there is no truth in it.

Yesterday I thought I saw K. in the train (maybe it was someone else) and felt like crying for most of the day. Not sure why I am still thinking so much about him, I should get over it. At least I still was productive in the evening and painted and moved some things to my new room.

But I need to learn how to deal better with my emotions. Or maybe accept that this (being distressed) will always be a part of my life. That life is just not perfect.

Lately I worry also a lot about work, that I’m not doing a good job and making too many mistakes. But, I guess I am still learning. This is also not my dream job, so I guess I should not worry so much. But I still want to do a decent job. I am trying to learn the answers and do better next time, but my insecurities get in the way and I become overwhelmed. Then I think: Am I useful for anything? But I know that I am exaggerating and being dramatic. I wish I could take life more lightly.

Dear anita,

yes maybe I am thinking about him because I get lonely. And I am spending most of my time alone now. And yes, I really would like to find somebody I can love, be there for them, hug them, spend time together… What I hoped to find with K, but didn’t work out. But I think I am not ready yet, I am too scared and have yet to learn to accept myself. It could only work with someone who is patient with me, but I don’t believe in it, really. Maybe when I healed more.

Maybe it is also because of I’m moving and all those feelings of the last year come up. It’s about one year ago that I first met him. And I liked him so much, I even tried to overcome my fears (but ended up crossing my own boundaries). Thinking about it again, I feel sad and disappointed. I didn’t like how it ended. But I have to let go. The only thing I can do is wish the best for him and for myself. I hope he is doing o.K.

I think I have to do things to calm myself down. And once I have moved and have more routine at my job, I hope that my life gets also calmer.

Today in therapy, we talked about my childhood experience. My therapist said, that it was the combination of my parents having high expectations, but not really telling us what they want, is what led us (my siblings and I) to become so insecure.

I also suggested to draw a comic about my experience with the man at the dormitory (just for myself). Maybe it can also help me heal.

Dear anita,

during the last days I was feeling a little better again. Yesterday I also met my friend and we went for a hike. And on Wednesday we want to go to the sports class.

I realize that social interactions are important and I really am missing some things. When I spend more time with my friends, it does make me feel better. And I also miss some things you can only experience in a relationship, but at the same time, I’m also very afraid of being in a relationship. At the moment I don’t think I am ready for a relationship. It could only work with a person who has a lot of patience and if I could get to know them slowly.

Well, my therapist said that thing about the high expectations. When I think about it, I feel that maybe they expected us to be perfect children? My parents always said half jokingly “oh those terrible children”.

My mother would complain that we didn’t help in the household enough, and that she growing up in a farm always had to help out. My sister also said that she felt like she was guilty or responsible for the chaotic household.

And I think it is good to give children chores, to make them do housework. It is also a learning opportunity for them to stay clean and organized. But in my opinion, it would be the parents responsibility to keep the house clean. They would be the ones to organize who does what, to teach children how to clean and when. But with the complaining, it would only make us feel guilty and less happy to help out.

In my opinion, it is normal for children to not be enthusiastic about doing housework. It is also normal that children sometimes get into a fight with their siblings. Then, in my opinion, it would be the parents task to teach the children how to resolve the conflict. Instead of acting like they are bad children?

When I had emotional outbursts, they didn’t teach me how to deal with it. Instead, my father once said that I am blackmailing him by crying. I just got the impression that I am difficult and a burden. And my sister told me, that she also always feels like a burden to others.

Also when it comes to high expectations, maybe they also had high expectations for my performance at school. They didn’t complain when I had bad marks. But after elementary school, there was the decision to which school system you were supposed to go. There were three possibilities. 1.) “Hauptschule”: 9 years of school (you will have worse chances finding a job or training) 2.) “Mittelschule”:  10 years of school, you can apply to most jobs that need practical training / apprenticeship with this 3.) “Gymnasium”: 12 years of school and you have the opportunity to study and a better chance to get accepted for apprenticeships.

Because of my bad marks (mark 3 by 1 being the best and 6 being the worst) in mathematics I wasn’t able to go to the “Gymnasium”. My father made me do a test, so I could still go there. But the test was so hard and I didn’t pass. Only because of my good marks in English I was later able to change to the “Gymnasium”. Nobody else I know took such a test and it doesn’t seem to be very common to do that.

I was also given private lessons in mathematics from an early age on. It was meant well by my father, I am sure. In my teenagers years, I completely gave up on school. For example, when I started physics or chemistry classes, I gave up on them immediately, because they were related to maths. Partly, it was also because I wanted to be “cool” around my peers (not be a “geek” or be too “cool” to care about marks – yes, I was very confused and insecure). I felt that I am stupid and I didn’t have hope for the future. I used to joke with my friend that I will end up as a stripper. In the end I got an average mark when I graduated. But I already felt like a failure, even though my score was average and I had career opportunities.

I don’t know, maybe it sounds like I am spoiled. I know that others had it worse. But something must have been wrong. My siblings also have problems. My brother has high functioning autism. My sister just decided to go to a clinic for three months for her mental health.