Hi Lea

I’m sorry that experience made you feel so bad that you threw up and developed a headache. That tells me exactly how bad it was for you. These symptoms only occur under extreme stress.

It’s very good that you were able to practice self-care and knew exactly how to handle your panic attack. I’m glad that you are feeling a bit better now.

Do you think talking to someone from that time was a trigger for you?

A good rule for sharing intimate information with people is considering, do you trust them? If you trust them they are more likely to respond with empathy. I wouldn’t worry, it sounds like this person didn’t know how to respond to the situation. I’m sure it didn’t trouble the person and they will go about their day as normal.

Dear Lea:

First, congratulations for completing all the work you set out to complete yesterday, and for doing it in 2 hours and 36 minutes instead of 3 days! Five different assignment, an essay and some reading- that’s an incredible amount of work in such a short time. I think that you have an exceptional ability to hyperfocus!

You did a quick focus meditation before the work, focused on what’s in the room and nothing else. You were happy and optimistic: “I’m quite happy with the results… It’s now a long weekend and I’m looking forward to it“- good job, Lea!

Five hours and 30 minutes after you submitted this happy and optimistic post, you submitted another kind of post: “I am scared. I am fearful. I ended up chatting on the phonse with an old friend..” –

So, you had a good day, happy and optimistc, and then you had a phone conversaton with an old friend with whom you didn’t talk for ages. You talked about your 6th grade bullying experience, and as you talked, your voice kept breaking and shaking, and after awhile, she abruptly ended the conversation, saying she had to go. Following the conversation (mostly you talking, as I understand it), you felt guilt (“I felt guilty for telling this girl.. about this… texted her a bunch of apologies“), shame (“what kind of weird person dumps all this… I’m extremely embarassed“), and fear (“Then the fear hit. My entire body was shaking forcefully… paralyzed by my fear… extremely scared… My heart is racing“.

You were afraid that the old friend you talked to will tell your 6th grade bully what you told her,that he will track you down and find you,  steal your cows and hurt your animals. You were afraid that other bullies (as well as your parents) will read what you shared here, in your thread, and  you ended this post with: “I really just need a hug but have no one to hug me… much love, Lea“.

18 later, you submitted another post saying that you were much calmer, that you followed your usual panic routine: took a bath, then squeezed yourself into a small corner, hugging your knees and rocking back and forth, fully feeling the anxiety and panic, and that you were going to go to bed, to sleep.

46 minutes later, you shared that you had a stomach ache and a headache and you threw up a few times, but were feeling okay and going to sleep.

Congratulations, Lea, for having a panic routine and for successfully following it last night!

To avoid the trigger for yesterday panic experience, here is what I suggest: prepare the following  word document to fill in the future, before you make a phone call to anyone:

Objective: what is the purpose of this call? ______________________________________________.

(If you can’t come up with a worthwhile objective, don’t make the call).

What I will talk about: ____________________________________________________________.

What I will not talk about : _________________________________________________________.

Possible Questions that she/ he will ask me & my Answers:

Q: How are you? A: ______________________________________________________________.

Q: How are your studies? A: ________________________________________________________.

Q: How are your cows? A: _________________________________________________________., etc.

*** How are you feeling today?

anita

Hi Lea!

I’m wondering how your parents respond to walking away from them when they start arguing?

You are doing the best you can to advocate for yourself and they are being unreasonable. It reminds me of my own family.

How I coped when living with a moody parent was by refusing to engage with that type of behaviour.

None of this is your fault. It sounds like they are having difficulty adjusting to you being an adult. Many parents do. You are doing what any adult would do, express your own desires and advocating for yourself when you are treated unfairly.

They are taking you pointing out their mistakes very personally, when they should be praising your growth for being able to do so.

Dear Lea:

You asked: “1) How do you not let things bother you? Mostly things my people say or do?… 2) How do I just not respond to the comments and almost stonewall them. I’ve tried to argue and fight back, but then I’m just a ‘victim’ or ‘too sensitive’… 3)… How can I just do what my parents want, be compliant, non-argumentative, non-opinionated (I hate disagreeing with either parent because they always have to press and argue with me) and be an easy child for a while?” –

Let’s look at your parents’ behaviors: your father observed that you were picking tomatoes off your burger and he YELLED at you: don’t do that! Tomatoes add to the flavor!

My question (to no one in particular): How are you supposed to enjoy any kind of flavor when you are being yelled at?

You and your mother are in a truck, you are driving. You tell her that you were kind to yourself  yesterday, unlike how you were before: unkind and screaming at yourself. Her response: “she got really angry and me and started YELLING” –

It is not wise to yell at the driver of a truck while she/ he is driving: it can lead to an accident!

She yelled “about how she must have done something wrong to make me like that, and how she wanted me to drive her home right then because that energy was so ‘toxic’ … how it’s ‘her fault’ I’m ‘unhappy’” – you shared something positive with her (that you were making progress being kind to yourself), but all she heard was that you were unkind to yourself earlier, which she figured meant that she is a bad mother.

My best effort at answering your questions: (1)  apply the correct understanding of your situation: your parents I imagine are in their 40s or maybe one or two are in their very early 50s… you are 19, your sister is 12. So, total of 4 children make up the household, four immature people.

Someone has to grow up, right?

That someone will have to be you.

Your parents deserve all the credit in the world for carrying on the many adults responsibilities in their lives, regarding the farm and the household, bringing in the money, paying bills, etc. They function as adults in this very important aspect. On the other hand, emotionally- they are about the same age as you, and all of you are about 12, your sister’s age.

Why am I saying this: because each person in the household- when it comes to interacting with each other- is impulsive, saying and doing whatever comes to mind, without thinking.

Your father, your mother and your sister claim that you are too sensitive and yet, they all YELL at you. If any of them stopped to think about it, they would realize that one of the worst thing you can do to a too-sensitive person is to yell at them!

At the table, your father noticed that you were taking the tomatoes off the burger, he gets angry- he doesn’t stop to think before talking- instead, he blurts out whatever. He does not pause between feeling angry and saying what he says. He impulsively says whatever comes to his mind.

While driving, your mother hears you say that you used to scream at yourself, she gets angry- she doesn’t stop to think before talking- and she blurts out: you are toxic, drive me home! She doesn’t pause between feeling angry and saying what she says. She impulsively says whatever comes to her mind.

Same with your sister. Same with you. Of course, the way it should be is that parents are emotionally mature and they patiently and positively guide their children into emtional maturity . But reality is often not what it should be. Waiting for your parents to mature emotionally is not going to work (they think that they are mature becuase they pay the bills, etc.), and telling them anything about maturing is not going to motivate them to mature, it’s just going to cause them to get angry at you.

You (19) asked how to be “an easy child“, see… you think of yourself as a child, a word that usually refers to a person below the age of puberty. Time for you to think of yourself as a young adult: The Adult in the household.

Cut down on your own impulsivity: think before you talk; think before you act.

Don’t say anything to your mother that she can interpret as being a bad mother: don’t share your problems, difficulties and struggles with her. She doesn’t hear your problems- all she hears you saying that she is a bad mother. Think of her as a 12 year old child, not as a mother. Don’t share anything about yourself with your father either. When you are physically sick or in need for a specific kind of help, ask specifically for the help you need, don’t elaborate.

Next time anyone yells at you, with a strong, confident voice (not yelling back), say: stop yelling at me! Maybe, just maybe- after you repeat this, over time- they will stop yelling at you. Regardless of your success or failure in this regard, it is better that you choose the assertive way (strong, confident voice), instead of the aggressive way (yelling back) or the passive way (saying nothing).

anita