thank you.

I really think my girlfriend is delusional or in denial about the whole thing.  She is weird, because she says she knows i don’t love her like i did my ex.  and that she doesn’t think i will, but yet she still wants to stay with me.  I’m really not looking forward to our conversation at all.  It just really sucks that she is in the financial situation she is in right now.  It would be so much easier if she could afford a place of her own.

I have to add, too, that ever since I started really taking responsibility for everything that’s happened in my life, it sort of frustrates me when other people don’t. You did not ruin her. She ultimately chose to put herself into the position she is in now.

I agree 100%.  She has told me “you were the one that wanted me to move in”.  When in fact she wanted to just as much or more.  She has said several times about her giving up her place to live and relocating her kids.  Which makes me feel even more guilty and responsible.  She does need to take responsibility for her moving in also.  It wasn’t like we were exactly on cloud 9 when she did.  She should have decided to wait and make sure all was good  between us.  I do take responsibility as well.  I should of never done it, knowing that I still had feelings  for my ex and all.  But at the time, I did think it was the right thing to do.  We all make mistakes.  I guess the hard part is accepting that and taking care of it.

It is going to be so difficult talking to her about all of this.  She still is talking bout things in the future.  Like distant future.  When she does, it makes me uncomfortable because I don’t see the same future she does.  It makes me feel even more guilty.  Even after that big fight we had.  Later that night, she dismissed it like it was nothing.

I think all of this has really helped and then raised questions in me with problems with my ex.  Her and I never fought, we did have a couple arguments, but even up until the end, she was the one talking about living together down the road and having a future together.  Where as now as roles are reversed in my current situation, i don’t.  but yet my girlfriend still does.

all so confusing to me.  It really doesn’t help feeling the way I still do about my ex.  The worst part is that I can’t forget one of the last things she told me when we last talked at the end of December when she told me she thinks about me often.  That really has thrown my heart and mind for a loop.  I guess part of me thinks that if she does still think about me that much that there is still hope there because of what she said.  I know it’s a fantasy, but I can’t help the way I feel.  I have learned that I really need to be on my own until I can get these issues resolved in my head and heart and finally have the closure and know in my heart and mind that “it” will never be with my ex, or if it is to be again that it will happen if/when it happens, that I can’t change that outcome.   I really need to get back to myself, with just me and my girls. I need to make them and me my priority anymore, NOT other people, no matter how I feel about them.

there are several times, that I wish I would have never started dating after my wife left me.  I was alone for 2 years and I was good.  I didn’t have any of this trouble or heartache.  Life does stink some times.  Love definitely stinks right now.  LOL….

This is absolutely the best thing you can do. Just get back to being you and spending time with your girls and see if your daughter notices you’re more “you” after a while. Get in a good spot with the way you feel in general again. Then let love find it’s way to you after that. I don’t think it hurts to hold a little hope alive for a reconciliation with your ex down the road, but also keep your options open, get to know new people with the hope that there could also be someone even better than your ex out there… someone who makes you feel the same way that your ex did (that “home” feeling), who has kids who are already grown and is free to travel and go do fun things, has their life together, and who is ready for a mature, committed, life-long relationship…. that’s what you’re ultimately looking for, right?

I think this is the best thing for me.  Yes, i want someone who is independent, can take care of themselves at the very least and someone that can have the freedom and is able to do things like i want to.

So we had another blow out this weekend.  I tried again to have a good night/weekend.  Well that backfired.  We had a good night, both having fun out by our selves, but then by the end of the night, she got too drunk(again) and got upset at me.  I told her then i am done, that I can’t do this anymore.  That no matter what there is always going to be that doubt in her head and I am always going to feel guilt for doing what I did to cause it.  We got home and really started fighting.  I just dropped her off and left. I went to a 24 hour restaurant and had something to eat and coffee, and ignored her calls and texts.  I did tell her I was fine and I will be home later, but that didn’t stop her.  She threatened to take her own life and said she was really depressed, ect…  It was a horrible night.  We did make up again.  but I have been distant. and not really myself since.  Then last night, we went to dinner with my friends and she read all kinds of shit into nothing.  So of coarse after we got home last night she started talking about it again.

But in the meantime in between fights and such, she acts like everything is okay and keeps talking about life plans and things like that.

It sucks.  I’m almost afraid to tell her that we need to go separate ways.  I really don’t know how to handle this now given what she pulled this weekend.

This is so hard!  Why am I such a “nice guy”?  The thought of hurting her and her kids is killing me.  I want to talk to her so bad, but I can’t.  I know I need to and I have to.  But damn.  She is starting a new job on Monday and she needs to be able to focus on it.  I know if i say something now that that will make it difficult for her too.  On the other hand, I feel like i’m living a lie anymore. I keep watching time tick away…. waiting for the right moment. I know that the longer I wait the harder it will be also though.  To make things worse, she went out and bought all of our kids some starter stuff for easter already.  Which brought back a memory to last easter…  She came over with her kids and we all did eggs.  She stayed over the night before.  We had a good time.  But when she was getting ready to leave, my oldest daughter and my ex-wife stopped by to get my girls.  My g-friend mis-read the situation and grabbed all her stuff and was leaving.  I went out to talk to her and she was shaking.  She was gonna leave for good.  “you don’t want me here”  she showed signs then and I didn’t see them.   UGH!  I really have to talk to her and I”m so afraid to.  This sucks so bad.  It would be so much easier if she did not have kids.

I did talk to my daughter yesterday though.  The one that came to me a couple weeks ago.  I told her that I may be talking to my g-friend soon and that I don’t know if things are going to work out.  That I feel like we are all unhappy most of the time and that it would be best if we separated.  I told her that the problem is my girlfriend has no where to go right now and with her employment situation I don’t know if it is going to get any better any time soon.  That if/when this does happen, we may end up changing room arrangements at the house for a while.  She looked upset.  She said she understands, but that she does love my girlfriend and her kids like they are family.  She asked if that does happen and if she does leave if she and I were still going to see each other.  I told her no, that if we can’t make this work, it will be even harder then and it would be best if we were done.  She then asked if she could still see my girlfriend and her kids once in a while.  I told her maybe we could arrange something.

this is so incredibly hard to do.  It’s funny cause when my ex-wife left.  She just left, we were done.  No hard feelings.  It was easy.  Now it feel worse and more difficult.  I don’t understand.

I do know that if this was my ex-girlfriend.  I would of done anything in the world that I could have to make it better.  ANYTHING.  I should feel that way now and I don’t.

My girlfriend does though.  I really hate/apprieciate this situation.  It really has opened my eyes about my past.  My ex must have been struggling like this for some time off and on, then at the end, I lost my shit and made things ten times worse when she needed me most just to be there and back off and let her come to me.  Instead i bombarded her every day.  Made it all about me.  Which is what ultimately drove her away.  Just like my girlfriend is doing to me know.  my ex and I never really fought though, I wish we would of, then maybe things would of been more clearer with me.  But with my girlfriend, when we fight, I tell her what I think and it still doesn’t change how she behaves.

Give me strength for this.  I need it.  If I know one thing about myself it that i’m a lover not a fighter.  It is very hard for me to not feel bad and sacrifice my own feelings and needs for others.  There are many time i wish i was one of those people that didn’t give a crap….

okay, so I’ve been biding my time.  Like I said, i want her to get going on her new job before i drop them bomb.  In doing so… I think she is actually a little crazy.  These last couple/few days and nights haven’t been bad at all.  She’s been in a better mood and trying to not get all weird and insecure and stuff.  The problem is that she is in total denial about our last fight a few days ago.  The fight that  she said “fine, i will just leave then” and I agreed with her.  I guess the problem that night was that by the end of the fight, she had a anxiety attack or something.  Her heart was racing and she could barely breathe.  I had to get  paper bag and help her breathe again.  Then the next day she acted like everything was great.  I don’t understand why she acts like that.  I’m still distant and quite.  She keeps planning and talking like we are going to be together forever.   And all I can think about is being able to separate without guilt….  The good news is that she may have another option.  Her Brother and his girlfriend ended recently and he now has some extra space at his house.  I don’t know if that is really  an option for her, however i don’t think he would turn her away.  I’m really thinking about talking to her this weekend.  I don’t have my girls and she will have done her first week at work.  I am not looking forward to this conversation at all.  I feel so messed up in the head right now.  I know we are not healthy for each other.  But I will miss her.  We do get along good when, well honestly it’s s lot to do with when kids aren’t involved.  Like this last weekend for example.  Her son stayed the night at a fiends house Friday night, so her and I and all three girls went out to dinner.  My girls were good and respectful and her daughter was being a little B&*$%.  I hate saying that but i don’t know how to describe her attitude and behavior.  Even my girlfriend said, if its not one of her kids, its the other.  After dinner though, everything was good.  That night and all the way up until her son came home.  he wasn’t in the door 5 minutes before he was whining and throwing a fit.  Really makes it stressful.  I think my girlfriend has gotten so used to it, she see’s it, but doesn’t realize how bad and frequent it is and she enables it.  I just can’t handle it anymore.

Wow, i’ve gotten way off track here.  Back to me trying to end this whole mess.  Like I said, I think I’m going to talk with her this weekend.  I need to just tell her that we aren’t health for each other right now.  That I feel like either I’m walking on egg shells or she is all the time.  And that our families just don’t mix well.  They do love each other and get along, however their is always drama or someone is always upset.  I just can’t do this anymore, but yet I feel so horrible.  I am not looking forward to this conversation at all…