update:

Well, Last weekend I was going to talk to her Friday night, but when she got home her mom asked if we could have dinner with them and her sister.  So i wasn’t going to ruin that.  Then saturday rolled around and Then it was sunday.  So  Monday came around.  I had my daughters stay with their mom Monday night.   I told her that my daughters are unhappy and my oldest doesn’t even want to come over anymore.  I said we are all unhappy.  I mean everyone.  and that because of things i have done(talking to my ex repeatedly behind her back) that I don’t think i can ever show her the love she needs and I don’t think she will ever not have some doubt and insecurity with me.  I pretty much said that I don’t think we are compatible as a family and such.   Well, she was hurt and all, but then in denial again.  It’s been two days and she’s still thinking we are going to be together forever.  She even said that my daughter is just using this for attention!  She did say it feels like pins and needles now around the house.  Which is very true.  I’ve just been in the shop overnight working on my car all night.  only saying a minimum.  She did say something about her needing to find a place to live, but I think she just says that to try to get me to tell her no, stay here.  I didn’t though.  I was just quite.  I think I’m going to take my girls  riding this weekend, just them and me and leave her and her kids home.  Then come next week, I’m going to have to write her a letter.  Something I can get out in words saying everything that needs to be said.  I have decided that I need her gone.  I do love her very much.  I know this because it does hurt.  But at the same time, it’s too much.  She is getting so clingy and needy.

on a side note, It’s freakin amazing how much this situation has really made me think about my ex.  How if she was having any doubts in her mind about us in the last month or two.  How I was just like my girlfriend is now.  Just kept pestering her, basically being a little whiny insecure person looking for her attention, doing whatever she needed and wanted with no backbone.  I know this because now, my girlfriend is texting me all the time over nothing, when I need to be left alone to think.  That is exactly what I did with my ex.  The more she texts and bothers me the more irritated and tired I get of her.  The world is a cruel and ironic place that is for sure.  classic saying”  If i would have known then what I know now…”  I would of know to leave my ex completely alone, when she first showed signs, I should of just walked away, swallowed my pride and hurt and just left.  To be completely honest, that is what she needed.  I think If I would of done that, stood up for myself instead of just taking the rejection and constantly badgering her with being weak and insecure, then she would have thought twice and came back.  But instead I was in her face constantly.  This is just crazy and it hurts to see how I really was with her.

So back to my girlfriend.  As I was saying, I’m going to work on a letter for her and probably send an email.  I know that sounds tacking and bad, but I am bad at confrontation.  I stumble with words and don’t say everything I need to.  I do think this weekend or maybe monday i will do that.  Since I don’t have my girls next week.  I will do my  best and being nice, but yet telling her that it is over and I can’t do this anymore.  That i really need to focus on myself and my girls.  That I will help her in any way that I can, but we do need to find somewhere for her to go, that even trying to be roommates would make for a worse situation.

This has got to be one of the worst times in my life.  Because i’m breaking the hearts of her and her kids, feeling guilty cause she is in no place to start a new alone, just all in general, and of coarse because this whole thing has really made me understand what went wrong with my last relationship and how I caused the end because of how I acted and behaved.

I have to go.  been busy work week.  I will keep you posted.

Mark. I can’t just kick her out on her ass. If she didn’t have kids to take care of it would be a lot easier. I am going to talk to her again this Friday. I will tell her that I don’t feel like we are meant to be and that we should go seperate ways. I will suggest her mom and siblings as possible places for her to go. But I’m also going to tell her I will help her with the transition any way that I can. I’m thinking give her a month to be out?

This whole thing sucks and I brought it on myself. I really wish I would of listened to people including people on this forum almost a year ago when I was struggling with starting this relationship. I really do feel like I’m going to destroy this woman and her kids.

update:

well we’ve talked and talked.  She is in total denial, then it was Tuesday night.  I had to go get a part for my truck after work.  She texted and said the her son was staying at his older sisters that night.  I asked her if I could stop and get a beer on my way home from the wrecking yard.  She said sure, then she said that her daughter is going to stay there too.  So I invited her down.  We were both having a  decent time.  Then she wanted to talk about her counseling appt.  She thought it was a good one.  She said that her counselor said that the order of making people happy is that you are #1, your partner is #2, then the kids.  The kids were almost the same level as the partner.  AS soon as she said that I got quite.  It really hit me.  I’ve always been trying to make everyone else happy.  all the time.  Never myself.

Well by the time we got home, we were in another fight.  In this fight she asked if I was in love with her.  I stumbled on my answer, pretty much meaning no.  then she asked me if i can see my life without her.  I said yes.  That destroyed her.

I’ll just say this, by the end of the night, i felt like a piece of shit.

So the next day rolls around.  Now we are back where we were again??  Now we are  “working on it” again.  I don’t understand this.

I know she will do absolutely anything to make me happy and to be with me.  That kills me.  This is what i’ve always wanted.  Someone to give them self to me like this.  This is exactly how I felt about my ex.  I would have done anything within my power that she asked of me.

I wish i could feel the same about my girlfriend.

Sooooo back to the fight night.  She said she will not be pulling her kids out of school early and transferring until the end of the school year…  That’s in June!  So I don’t know what to do.  Especially now that things are back again the way they were.  back to us trying to make it work.

I think i really need to write a letter.  Every time we talk and fight, it comes to the point of us being done, then before you know it we are “working on it”.

Oh!  to top things off.  Last week, her son asked if he could call me dad.  FML.  I feel like i’m just ruining lives all over the place.  I did say no though.

I’m sorry that i am all over the place with this post…  I am going to write a letter.  I need to have something that she can see and go back to and re-read over and over.  I really think it would help.  I am going to tell her that I was in love with her, but everything has killed that feeling.  That I do love her still, and that is why I keep giving in and telling her we will try.  That I’ve been thinking more and more about me needing to make myself happy.  And that this relationship and situation isn’t doing it for me.  I need to think about myself now, not in 10 years from now when the kids are moved on.  I’m going to tell her that she can stay her thru the end of the school year, but I need her to find a place to live by then, whether it be at her mom’s or sisters, or brothers or whatever.  That I will help her and her kids in any way possible.  I think i’m also going to see about just getting my kids every other weekend until she is gone to help there be less stress around the house.  I’m going to call their mother today and see what she says.  I’m going to list all the things in this letter that make me upset or unhappy and tell her these things aren’t fixable, these are things that are characteristics of her and her kids and her life.  That this isn’t something that she should change for me.  That she needs to be the person she is.  Just like I need to be the person that I am  and that we just don’t mesh well.  We did in the beginning, but that was before we combined family and started living together.  That as much as I want this, I don’t see a future here.  I just see me trying to keep everyone else happy and me being miserable inside.  That I have been having mixed feelings for a while now.  And that the feelings my daughters have been having is just another added reason for this.  I will tell her that I wish things were different, but they aren’t.  That it’s not what I want, it’s what I need.

(side note: that is what my ex told me after we broke up, I never understood it until now.  This whole thing has shedd sooooo much light on my last relationship, it’s ridiculous!  I really wish though that her and I would have gotten into fights like this, I wouldn’t of been so blind sighted.  With her, it was all good on thursday, then all bad on friday.  No warning signs, nothing, just done.— I’ll get back to my letter now 🙂

That I need to feel happy coming home, being home, being able to do the things I want without feeling guilt because she can’t.  Or just be free.  That I’m just not happy anymore and haven’t been for awhile.  That no matter how hard we could try to fix this, i just don’t see it happening.  Period.

This sucks.  Why is my heart so freaking big?  I would seriously rather be miserable than hurt her anymore.  Well wish me luck.  I will keep in touch.  Later…