well, haven’t done it yet 🙁

Of coarse more drama with her and her family or life.  I’ve been waiting for the right moment and there isn’t one like you’ve said.  Always something.  Always some reason that everything is shitty.

I think last night was really the final straw for me.  I came home from work, picked up all the kids like I always do.  Then I did some chores outside.  Then chilled for about an hour or so watching tv and all the kids did too.  When she got home she was irritated that the dishes weren’t done (we made it a chore for my 12 yr old daughter) and it felt like she was pissed and bitchy.  So I helped her and then my buddy showed up to move some car stuff over to his house.  “how long is it going to take” she asks.  I didn’t know?  an hour? 3 hours?  depends on how everything goes.  So she seemed irritated about that.

Well we got done.  I stayed at his house for one beer, then told her i was on my way home and was nice enough to stop and get her smokes since she  is broke again.

When I got home she asked me “who was all there?” in a shitty voice.  I told her that it was just my friend, his wife and kids.  Then I told her that my friend and his wife invited us to dinner.  For us though it was tool late and we don’t have the money.  She asked ” how can they afford to go out”,  “they just bought a house and are getting a tractor and…”

Seriously!  What is it her business?  I told her when your household makes over $150000 a year, things like that are possible and that for us, we don’t make that so….

She was bent last night.  She gets so focused on everyone else’s crap instead of worrying about her own life.  And I feel like i have to explain myself for anything I do or don’t do anymore.

the thing that really sucks is before her.  When my friend would ask me out, i would go.  if i had my kids or not.  it wasn’t an issue.  With her, there is always something.

So last night sitting there bickering with her.  I realized I’m done.  I’m really done.  She works on saturday, so I think that is a optimal time to make it happen.  I’m going to move all my shit into the RV that I need for clothes and stuff.  I’m going to move my bathroom shit in there too.  Then when she gets home i’m going to tell her that we need to talk and that we just don’t work.  That we have too many differences and that I’m unhappy, my kids are unhappy, she is unhappy even if she won’t admit it.  That we are all suffering.

She keeps referring to other couples that have blended families that they are “so in love” and would do anything for each other.

I need to tell her that we tried and tried and tried, but we can’t “Make it work” that if it was meant to be then things would fall into place and not be like this.  that I can’t give her what she needs and she can’t give me what I need.

I will tell her that I am going to reside in the RV for sleep, I will stay in the living room to watch TV and she can have our room and bathroom.  That I will take care of my own laundry and my kids shit, and she can hers(that’s one of her bitches..  “I’m always doing laundry and folding clothes”-I tell her everyday to make the kids fold and put away their own laundry and she won’t).  The last thing is that I will cover all household bills(well i do already) and she will just share her food(she gets 500 dollars in food stamps) with us.  Or if anything we can do separate  food and have her give me $200 of her $500 or something.  That might even work better cause that’s another issue with the kids is food.  and when to eat and if they can have snacks and what to buy.

So many problems with us.  I don’t know how she doesn’t see this.  It feels like we are both on eggshells everyday.

I was really thinking a lot about everything.  I think if neither of us had children, then we would be great together.  But the fact that we both raise our kids so differently with certain things.  It’s hard for both of us to conform to the other.

a couple good examples is her kids for instance.  They constantly yell and argue with anything, then it’s throwing tantrums and fits.  Her son is especially bad.  He yelled at my 8 yr old the other day in the car because he couldn’t get his seatbelt buckled and she told him and tried to show him what the problem is.  My point is that with my girls, if they started to have any kind of attitude, I would have them go to their room until they were over it, then they could talk to me.  No yelling or arguing with me and throwing things and slamming doors like her kids.

Also with her and her kids.  She has always been the type that they eat dinner by 5:30-6:00 and the kids are in bed by 7 or 8.

only fair that I show the bad of my kids too.  so…

With me and my girls.  I let them get away with a little more than i should.  Sometimes stay up late, sometimes not do chores, whatever.  But in my defense.  When I do ask them to do something, they do it.  They don’t give me problems.  My girls actually respect me.  Before my girlfriend moved in, they cleaned their rooms every night, helped out, ect..  I think that she bitches so much it causes them to rebel and not want to help.

With me and my girls, i’ve always been the type “we will eat whenever I cook”  sometimes its 6:30, sometimes its 8:30.  I never had a “set in stone” bed time.  I did try to get them to bed by 9:00.  Sometimes we would have late nights, especially at the beginning of summer when it’s light outside until 9:30-10:00.  But again, my girls always listened and did what i said.

I like to spoil my girls too.  Not “princesses” but if the need stuff, i get it.  If they need money to go to the movies with a friend, i give it.  I was raised up as the “poor kid” who couldn’t ever do anything.  IT SUCKED!  I really think between that and not having a strong male figure in my childhood is what caused me to be insecure about myself and not be a strong, confident alpha male type of guy.  Instead i’m the “nice guy” that always lays down for everyone.  I DON”T want my girls to be like that, i want them to be strong and assertive and confident.  NOT bitches, just confident in themselves.

WOW,  i really kind of exploded here.

I have to go.  I really am going to try to do this this weekend.  Please give me strength to do what I need to for me , my girls, and my girlfriend and her kids.  This relationship is not healthy for any of us.  Thanks

Well I didn’t do it saturday.  You won’t believe this, but she had a shingles break out.  First time either of us has seen something like that.  She had to go to urgent care to find out what it was, so that kind of took over the day/night.  Then I kept pushing it off.  Waiting for the right time.  Well there is not a right time to do this.  Also, her friends birthday is coming up and we are supposed to go over there saturday night.  Her mom even offered to take her kids for the night.  I feel horrible about all of this.  So yesterday I made plans to go over to my buddies tonight and to drop off a car at his house, then trouble shoot his garage door opener for him.  I told my girlfriend that I was going to do that.  She got upset.  “what time?” she asked.  I told her probably around 5 or 6.  Then she got all pissy.  she said something like, you just going to have dinner out there then go to the bar or something!  And was bothered that I didn’t ask her to go with me.  I explained to her that she has been really tired lately physically and drained and I thought she would have rather stayed home and rested, specially since she was supposed to work 12 hours on Saturday.  She was still mad.  She said “you just don’t want me there”  “admit it”.   So that’s when it happened.  I told her “you’re right” “I don’t want this” and I told her that I wanted to break up.  I told her that I wasn’t happy and haven’t been happy.  That I need to be by myself to learn how to make myself happy.  That if I’m not happy with myself, how am i supposed to be happy with her.  That I felt like we fought all the time and the kids fought all the time.  She keeps trying to tell me that that is normal.   I told her that i don’t feel things that I should.  for example her and I had some time alone the other night.  I should be ecstatic to have that.  Instead, i just feel normal.

She got upset and pissed and went full circle with emotions and accusations.  She even thought that i was talking to or seeing someone else.  I told her i’m not and I haven’t talked to ANYONE about us except for her.  Anyone meaning any of my friends or family.  I guess i’ve been talking to you guys, but i don’t think that counts??   Anyways, I told her I have been fighting this for some time now and I have kept going back and forth.  That this isn’t fair to her, me, or the kids to keep doing this “break up/make up” thing.

She said she has no money, no where to go, and doesn’t make enough to be able to live on her own.  I told her she can stay here and I will stay in the RV when my kids aren’t here.  and that I would pay all household expenses.  she said she can’t live here because she still loves me, is in love with me and can’t be seeing me, staying at my house.  But right now she doesn’t have a choice.

We talked more before bed, then went to sleep..  I woke up this morning to her crying/getting ready for work.  I said goodbye and have a good day.  she texted me after i walked out the front door “that easy huh” .  Then texted that she is confused and doesn’t know if we are together or not.

I really don’t want to cave in again.  I feel horrible.  I do love her, just not “in love” with her like I should be.  I’m afraid I won’t be able to be strong and not give in again.  This sucks.  I really wish that we were living at her house and I could have just moved out.  Her living with me and having no where to go and no money to do anything with makes this unbearable.