I need Help...Again! - Tiny Buddha

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April 15, 2021 at 12:57 am #377749

Ik09
Participant

I did not mention one mess up on my part. Last Oct., at a house party, when I was extremely drunk, I was kissed by someone(my friend’s brother- he was also in my college but another dept.). I was very very drunk and I kissed back but then I passed out after that. The next morning I woke up and texted the recent ex about it. He was obviously very upset. We didn’t use to talk on calls ever, we talked on text only when I texted- it was the time when he had started distancing himself from me after he and my sister talked.

He went mad with rage. But still kept telling me to eat well and sleep well and not think of it and not feel guilty. It took him some time but he got over it and although I asked if he wanted to end things but he said he didn’t. His sisters counseled him that time and told him that somewhat it was his mistake too. He didn’t accept me and kept me in limbo and so I acted out.

To be honest, I had no conscious thoughts in my head then. It just happened and when I sobered up the next day, I was haunted by guilt for months together, even now somewhere I feel guilt. I wanted to tell you this because when you called me good and honest, it bothered me a lot.

For the past two days, my anxiety is bothering me again. Crying and breathlessness and moments of complete blankness.

April 15, 2021 at 1:28 am #377750

Tee
Participant

Dear lk09,

you left him a really loving message here, it shows you care a lot about him and his well-being. But at the same time, you’re right not to reach out again and repeat the same cycle… he needs to be willing to help himself first.

At home, nobody is asking for my consent anymore. They didn’t ask if my relationship with him ended or not, they are like since the choice was between my sister and this unknown man… Obviously our daughter will choose her sister and so they started telling me about different boys suitable for arrange marriage.

Have you told you parents you’re not interested in an arranged marriage but want to marry out of love? In one of the previous posts you said that you kept your relationship secret from your family:

we never did even have a chance to live how normal couples do, with love and without worries of what our families would do if they knew we are still dating.

I know you were on and off, so I guess that was one of the reasons you kept it a secret. But still, perhaps there’s a part of you that is afraid to claim the right to love whomever you want. I know it’s hard in the Indian society to love freely without being obliged to your family, but perhaps it’s time to stand up for yourself and claim your right to make mistakes on your path to finding true love. It’s very rare that we immediately find our companion for life, and we’ll trip over and experience heartbreak, but it doesn’t mean our parents know better and that arranged marriage is a better solution. It’s definitely not. So perhaps stand stronger in your determination that you don’t want arranged marriage and are capable of finding the right person for yourself, even if it takes more time and some trials and errors.

Regarding you being withdrawn and uncomfortable in a larger group:

I have difficulty enjoying myself with everyone as well. It is not just that I have difficulty sharing my mind with people, I have difficulty even enjoying myself in a group. I become awkward and I notice that people avoid my company as they feel I am too serious.

It’s possible that one feels awkward in a group, and can only truly open in 1-on-1 relationships, like you can. I am also like that, being much more comfortable in the company of one, max two people. This can be partly due to your personality, where you want to connect more deeply, better understand a person, listen to him/her, and create a deeper bond. And you’re not able to do that with many people at the same time, because you’re not the kind to like superficial chit-chat and just throwing around jokes.

However, if you feel truly uncomfortable and perhaps even judged by others while in a group situation, you should look at that, because there might be a self-esteem issue there and feeling not good enough.

April 15, 2021 at 2:06 am #377754
Tee
Participant
Dear lk09,

regarding your drunk incident, I think you should forgive yourself you kissed that guy back because you weren’t aware of what’s going on around you. At the same time, drinking to the point of passing out isn’t really helpful, so I think you’d need to look at that tendency – if it’s a tendency and not an isolated event? Do you feel more relaxed and funny at a party, if you drink?

As for confessing it immediately to your boyfriend – well, since you two were honest about everything and knew each other’s vices, then it makes sense. And I guess it didn’t harm your relationship. Sometimes though it’s not necessary to confess everything, specially if we know it will hurt the person and it was some foolishness we did once and never again.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.
April 15, 2021 at 2:36 am #377756

Ik09
Participant

I do drink quite a bit when I feel like speaking my mind out but it is only then. It is occasional.

I hate small talk, you are right over there. Even on business calls when I should be having small talk, I get straight to the point. it is in my nature I think but I want to enjoy the company of people. Make strong friendship bonds but I am unable to talk to people on call for long or call often.

April 15, 2021 at 2:43 am #377757

Ik09
Participant

They know I have always wanted to choose my own partner but the delay that happened in my sister’s marriage has scared them and they are not understanding my current mental state.

I care perhaps too much for a guy who at the end of everything does not want to be with me.

I have tried moving on many times in the last 2.5 years, it did not work. I have consciously tried to move on, to like other people but I am unable to. That scares me a lot.

Why did it have to be a person whom everyone disapproved of in my house? why did it have to be a long-distance relationship and why were things always tougher for us than other people?? this hurts a lot, these questions do.

April 15, 2021 at 5:28 am #377765

Tee
Participant

Dear lk09,

They know I have always wanted to choose my own partner but the delay that happened in my sister’s marriage has scared them and they are not understanding my current mental state.

Your sister had the right to make a mistake, didn’t she? She was engaged back in 2018, and then the wedding was cancelled (not sure whose fault it was though?). And she is about 33 now, right? So she received that grace and understanding from your parents. You have the right to get the same treatment…

I have tried moving on many times in the last 2.5 years, it did not work. I have consciously tried to move on, to like other people but I am unable to. That scares me a lot.

As I said before, I believe the reason is a childhood wound… there was a dynamic with him where you were his savior, his helper, he valued you and looked up to you, you helped him in his decisions, and the two of you were similar in many aspects. You could even tell him your darkest secrets, you could be completely honest with him. You thought he was “your person”, the other half you were waiting for while watching the skies…

The truth is that you were valued and appreciated and seen by him – some of the time. But you were also unappreciated and rejected by him at other times, lots of other times. Now it occurs to me that it almost reflects your childhood experience – you were loved and appreciated by your granny in your early childhood, but then you were rejected and unappreciated by your parents and sister later.

He was the promise of perfect love, where you would be loved, appreciated and valued at all times. The childhood dynamic was there: you were doing your best to get his love (you were doing that with your parents too), you were trying to help him heal so he can finally love you. You craved for love from someone who couldn’t fully love you… the same as in your childhood. That’s why you were so hooked, and why it’s so hard to get unhooked now.

I believe the way to heal is to learn to love, appreciate and value yourself at all times. You thought you love yourself, but when you’re accepting lesser treatment, when you need to beg for someone’s love, when you’re afraid to tell your parents not to arrange marriage for you – all those are examples when you’re not loving and respecting yourself enough. When you feel awkward during a group setting, probably feeling judged by others (you didn’t answer why you feel awkward?), you also don’t love yourself enough. If you work on loving yourself completely, your magnetic attraction to people who can’t love you completely will lessen.

April 15, 2021 at 5:45 am #377769
Tee
Participant
Dear lk09,

I do drink quite a bit when I feel like speaking my mind out but it is only then. It is occasional.

And when you need to get drunk in order to speak your mind, that’s also when you aren’t loving and respecting yourself enough…
- This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.
April 15, 2021 at 7:15 am #377774

Anonymous
Guest

Dear IkO9:

About getting extremely drunk at a house party and passing out at the party- if there is a possibility that you will drink that much at any party where alcohol is served, don’t attend that party.

Regarding your guilt feelings about having been kissed and kissing back when drunk at the party six months ago, feeling guilt when you read my description of you as good and honest- I didn’t change my mind about you because you got drunk and/ or because you were kissed and kissed back.

If you are currently thinking or overthinking about this guy. This is what you posted two years (April 26 2019) about overthinking about the same guy: “I don’t like the way I am spending too much time thinking about his moves and his behavior. I have my own work and studies to look after but then I am getting bothered.. I tend to not think when I am around other people but the second I am free, well it is deep level overthinking.. I have decided to put in my thoughts in a notepad letter whenever I am too strained”-

– you can put your thoughts into a notepad again. If you have the notepad from 2019, you can read your thoughts of two years ago.

Isn’t it amazing how much time you invested in thinking about him when practically, you received no return on your investment… all those thoughts and all that time resulted in limbo and a standstill- nothing significant happened outside of your thinking, no practical improvement of your life. Best, if you are able, to stop thinking about him, it is a waste of your time and mental/ emotional resources.

anita

April 15, 2021 at 9:35 am #377786

Ik09
Participant

Yeah, I might have to start doing that (writing my thoughts down) because today, my head was messing with my work, and that risk I cannot take.

I tend to drink more either when I am alone or when I trust my company. I generally don’t trust my company and so I don’t go overboard. I will be drunk and look sober to people. The time I mentioned during college when I used to be drunk regularly in the evenings. Nobody ever knew I was. when there were more than 500 people in my hostel and most people knew me.

About my insecurity with people- I might seem haughty now….read on

Since I started school late so I was always studying with my juniors and also everyone at home (relatives and my parents) tell me I am a middle-aged kid. I think I know the reason….it suddenly hit me

When I was a kid, my sister in her overprotective nature often told everyone to not play with me in case anybody pushed me so I used to stay alone. If in case I was already playing, she will keep me in her team and then get me out so that I can sit on the sides. So, I spent most of my childhood alone, crying to my mother who then used to give me puzzles to solve. Because of that, I love solving things, anything untangled which people want to cut with scissors, I can open with my fingers and hahah maybe because of that people tell me I don’t leave an issue till it is solved while my family members like to brush them aside and take care of them only if they are bothering them but I can’t take a lot of negativity or stress. I sort it out asap so that I can be cool about things later.

During parties, I would sit in one corner and observe people and it used to be my personal game to predict what they would do next.

Obviously, all these things make you weird in other kid’s eyes and so I used to be an outcast even in school. My body developed later than others. I studied in a girls-only Convent and girls were cruel then, I see the same people now and feel life changed them so much. Anyways, so I stayed alone till 6th grade. Then slowly I started making friends, people like me. Hahaha, it feels weird to say this but we became the cool gang by the time we graduated high school. The nerds were the cool ones, hahaha.

Then for my senior secondary, I moved to a co-ed school and again I was the outcast. I have always been seen as a good student so wherever I go, the teachers like me so obviously the kids don’t.

I received a lot of attention from the other gender when I always felt I wasn’t that good looking- my mum used to tell me that, since she is very pretty-fair and with excellent features-men of my age also compliment her all the time. So she used to tell me that since you are not that pretty so study well so that you can excel in your career. The complications of my life started here. The guilt of liking people when everyone keeps telling you that this isn’t the age to like people. Anyways I have sorted those emotions long back now. I had difficulty befriending girls here as there was already demarcation made- girls who love make-up, girls who are into sports, girls who dance, girls who are more homely, girls who in a relationship, girls who only study, there I was madly in love with Robert Downey Jr., studying too, cooking too, dancing too, and also liked by the teachers. I had no group. I was the first bencher not by choice but because I had no other place to sit. Everyone else had a partner.

College, I was involved with the social work society of our college and various NGOs. I had no time to sit with my classmates, I studied my subject (philosophy+Psychology) on my own and so no friends again.

Whatever few friends I made, were not close to me because I didn’t like to go out that much. Not with everyone, there are very few people I feel comfortable with. It is less about judgement and more about that I don’t trust people that much. They love to gossip and I have a story they might like to tell everyone about.

I generally don’t believe in meeting someone for a date and then understanding if there is a spark. For me, the spark is from the moment you meet or it isn’t. So the long-distance relationships were not something I planned. And the plan was to move in the same city as him (I was getting many colleges there) but my sister kept telling my parents that if I move to that city, it would be because of him so I should be stopped. I was also scared that if I move into the same city as him and he breaks my heart, the city might haunt me for life.

A few years later, I have understood few things. There are things way more important than all material in this world, it is people. And I have a lot of old friends in that city, we are not in touch but If I meet them, well, we can recreate a bond. Anyways, it didn’t happen. I had to move to another city and unfortunately, even my college placement was in a company that compelled me to stay in this city.

I am trying to write again. I am actually stuck in the middle of a novel for a long time. I don’t know how to write further from there. Will try reading advice from other writers.

April 15, 2021 at 10:13 am #377788

Anonymous
Guest

Dear IkO9:

“my sister in her overprotective nature often told everyone to not play with me in case anybody pushed me”- you shared that she physically hit you. Is it that she wanted to be the only one allowed to push/ hit you?

“she will keep me in her team and then get me out so that I can sit on the sides”- fits with her behavior at home, trying to keep you on the sides ever since you were brought back home and interrupted her only-child/ center-child experience, doesn’t it?

“I love solving things, anything untangled which people want to cut with scissors, I can open with my fingers.. I don’t leave an issue till it is solved”-

– how about untangling the role your sister had in your life so far: has she been (1) overprotective, caring for your physical and emotional health, (2) physically and emotionally abusive to you, or (3) both, at times 1, at other times 2. If so, overall: how did she affect who you are today?

anita

April 15, 2021 at 10:36 am #377789

Tee
Participant

Dear lk09,

Why did it have to be a person whom everyone disapproved of in my house? why did it have to be a long-distance relationship and why were things always tougher for us than other people?? this hurts a lot, these questions do.

It appears it was a long-distance relationship not just because of covid, but also because you weren’t sure it would succeed:

I was also scared that if I move into the same city as him and he breaks my heart, the city might haunt me for life.

It wasn’t just circumstances or your family who prevented you to be with him. It was the two of you, he being ambivalent and playing the push-pull game, and you being afraid to move into his city, lest you be disappointed and judged/condemned by your family. But mostly, things were hard because he was ambivalent, he wanted breaks, he told you about having interest in other women etc. It had nothing to do with long distance. Even when he came to visit you this February, and things looked promising, he later went back into his ambivalent, fearful mode, not knowing if he really wants to be with you or not.

I know it’s hard to face, but the above is why it was tougher for you than for other people. True love and dedication and commitment was missing on his part. If he wanted it to succeed, he would have done something about it – you gave him million opportunities. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think it’s better to see things as they are than to seek excuses for why things didn’t work out and torturing yourself in the process…

April 15, 2021 at 11:03 am #377790
Ik09
Participant
Anita

So I will explain it this way-

I don’t think that my sister is evil but she thinks that nobody but she is right and although she says I am the one who seeks attention all the time but she is the one acting out everywhere so that everyone should only discuss her and nobody else.

She has been overprotective when we are outside in front of other people and when we were inside the house- She never let me do anything I liked, When I used to dance-she would make fun of my dancing, English was my second language and so I had difficulty in the beginning so it was a laughing topic if I would write she would make fun of that, how I walk, what I wear, how I tie my hair, and yet complained that I always had the best of stuff, got more pocket money, anything that I used to have- she would take it anyhow but wearing it repeatedly and not washing it till I stopped asking for it. And it was all fun and games to her till I would talk back or ask for stuff. As a kid, she used to hit me for even taking her pencil while doing my homework if I lost mine. I have to remind you here that I am 5 years younger and so, I was already getting hand-me-downs and the stationary used to be with her so that it is SAFE. it was so safe that I never got to touch any of it till I was in 9th grade and she left for college.

My sister had come to visit me when I was in college 2nd year, I had asked my mum to not let her stay at my hostel but mum was like she is only staying there for a day, she had a train the next day. She had an argument with me because I was searching for something while she was speaking to me. Then she tried paying me for her stay, Which she did by throwing the money in my face, I lost my temper, I took the money and thrust it in her palms. She got angry seeing me reacting back so infront of my hostel girls, she kicked me first and then while I was on the floor thrashed me on my head 2-3 times then went inside my room. I was humiliated but I got up and went inside as well. She had a train in 2 hours and the railway station was a little far so I fixed my hair and Wiped my tears. Took her luggage and said come I will drop you off at the station, you might get lost on your own. She was like obviously this is your duty. I dropped her off, sent her off with food and magazines for the way. And came back. Not just that night but for the next few days, everyone kept talking about the incident and looked at me with pity as if I was an injured animal. And this is just one example.

Everyone used to get angry with me if I lost my temper whenever she provoked because according to them, it is her nature and you have to be the understanding one and not fight. And like a fool, I believed that yes it was my fault that our fights occurred because I lost my temper.

She bought 7 traditional wedding gowns (lehenga in Indian tradition) and I had one and yet she asked my mum to not let me wear mine because according to her my own gown was better than 7 of hers. Anyways, It is her day and I don’t have a thing for anything anymore. I just care for good food, and when I have enough then traveling as well.

So I think it is a combination of behaviors.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Ik09.
April 15, 2021 at 11:10 am #377792

Ik09
Participant

TeaK,

Yeah, you are right but I still can’t help but imagine what our lives would have been had we both met as healthy individuals. I have never met anyone who cherished me like I was a prize they won. He made me feel like that initially but it ended.

I wish I had simple lives like those friends of mine who met their partners in college and married them after college.

I wonder how those women feel whose partners remember their birthdays and make them feel special.

I don’t think I know what a healthy normal relationship is like. And I am afraid.

April 15, 2021 at 12:07 pm #377793

Anonymous
Guest

Dear IkO9:

You answered that it is a combination of behaviors, meaning that your sister has been (1) overprotective, caring for your physical and emotional health and (2) physically and emotionally abusive to you.

You then elaborated: she has been overprotected, that is caring for your physical and emotional health, only in front of other people, but “inside the house”, it was a different story: she made fun of you, of how you danced and talked and walked and dressed and tied your hair, she wanted all the attention and material things for herself and none for you, she hit you when you were a kid for things like using her pencil to do your homework when you lost your own pencil, and she hit you when you were in your second year of college.

In your answer, you did not point a single thing in favor of #1, you pointed only to things in favor of #2, that she has been physically and emotionally abusing you.

In addition to all that, everyone used to get angry at you when you lost your temper in regard to your abusive sister: they supported her, not you.

“I don’t think I know what a healthy normal relationship is like”- not a romantic relationship, but not otherwise, not any kind of normal, or better say, healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, be it with a sister, a parent, a friend or a boyfriend, there must be mutual respect and no abuse.

It may be okay for a younger child to be given hand-me-down clothes and toys from older siblings, but it is not okay to be treated with .. hand-me-down, second-hand care, that is, with lesser care than others are treated.

It is time for you to expect and demand respect and first-rated care from others, within any kind of relationship.

anita

April 15, 2021 at 12:20 pm #377794
Tee
Participant
Dear lk09,

I wish I had simple lives like those friends of mine who met their partners in college and married them after college.

If we had simple lives, we wouldn’t be here on this forum 🙂

I read somewhere that around 50% of people in the US (elsewhere might be different) are securely attached as children, which means they later don’t have problems in creating healthy relationships, while 50% are insecurely attached (be it anxious, avoidant, or disorganized), which later creates problems in relationships. So, we belong to 50% of the population… which means there are many many people like us. Very rare are those who marry their high-school sweetheart and remain with them till the end…

I have never met anyone who cherished me like I was a prize they won.

That’s a part of the craving, I’ve tried to explain it before. You said you wanted him to not be ashamed to walk hand in hand with you and show the world that you are his. It’s your craving to be valued and affirmed that you’re special and important – which you haven’t received in your family. In your family your sister was special and important, while you were secondary, you weren’t seen, your wishes weren’t respected, you were bullied. I am thinking your sister is probably narcissistic, and has abused you, and your parents never stood to protect you, but rather, defended and excused her abusive behavior. The result is that you feel unwanted, lesser, unimportant, not special… You crave to be someone’s No1.

But even if you get it from someone, it won’t satisfy the inner craving – you need to heal the craving by accepting your own worth and specialness. And then, someone who is able to truly appreciate you and remember your birthday and make you his No1 will show up…

I don’t think I know what a healthy normal relationship is like. And I am afraid.

Work on your self-esteem, learn how to value yourself, and you’ll start attracting people who truly appreciate you, not in an obsessive way (like “I can’t live without you, I am lost without you, I am no one and you give my life meaning”), but in a healthy way…
- This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.
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