Home→Forums→Relationships→I need Help…Again!
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May 13, 2021 at 12:53 pm #379788
AnonymousGuest* Dear TeaK: (double posting, above). I think that I understand your concern, you are concerned that parts of my replies to Ik09 have caused her harm. I greatly appreciate your motivation (and I greatly appreciate your participation in the forums). I will pay more attention to the great principle of do-no-harm in the future, and I thank you for directing my attention back to this principle.
Because I am in the habit of reading your replies to OPs- if you state your thoughts and concerns to the OP in the ways that I suggested in my previous post to you, I will consider and take your input to heart. I will no longer address you or reply to you on any thread in which you are not the original poster. Take good care of yourself, and I wish you well.
anita
May 13, 2021 at 1:42 pm #379790
TeeParticipantDear Anita,
I think that I understand your concern, you are concerned that parts of my replies to Ik09 have caused her harm. I greatly appreciate your motivation (and I greatly appreciate your participation in the forums).
Yes, my concern was that insisting that lk09 engages in histrionic behavior isn’t helpful and that it might cause her harm, e.g. that she might feel accused of something she isn’t doing, or that she might start questioning herself and thinking what if indeed she’s creating drama as a way to seek attention.
Because of everything she’s written so far on her threads, my impression was that she isn’t a drama queen, and that this was an incident where she felt harassed and attacked, and she was desperate to the point of “wanting to die”. That’s why she made those gestures.
I believe she didn’t do it on purpose, she even said she doesn’t remember what was going on in her head (I remember the actions of my body but I don’t remember what was going in my mind and what I was thinking regarding the action.) It seems it was an affective moment where her emotions took over and her rational brain switched off for a while. People can react like that when overwhelmed with strong emotions – they might do something stupid. That’s why it didn’t seem to me like something she would have planned in advance, but rather something that happened in the heat of the moment, as a result of her feeling desperate.
Because I am in the habit of reading your replies to OPs- if you state your thoughts and concerns to the OP in the ways that I suggested in my previous post to you, I will consider and take your input to heart.
You suggested I should have phrased my post with these words: ”I do not believe that you engage in histrionic behavior’, addressing lk09, and not you. But even if I have phrased it like that, it would be clear that I am expressing disagreement with an assumption that you made. Wouldn’t it feel equally hurtful to you, even if I didn’t address the post to you?
I will no longer address you or reply to you on any thread in which you are not the original poster. Take good care of yourself, and I wish you well.
Dear Anita, this seems like an overreaction – you appear offended and you don’t want to communicate with me any more unless I start my own thread. It seems there’s a wound there that I hit, where you feel rejected or wronged in some way. It wasn’t my intention to do that. But it appears it did cause you pain and a defensive reaction.
May 13, 2021 at 7:50 pm #379861AnonymousGuestDear Ik09:
There has been a disruption in your thread. I am sorry about the disruption. You are welcome to post here again. You are welcome to start a new thread, and you are welcome to not post at all. If you prefer to communicate with one member wh0 replied to you, but not with another, you can post again and address by name the member you do want to communicate with. I wish you well, I wish all of us well.
anita
May 14, 2021 at 2:49 am #379872
Ik09ParticipantI saw the posts, you both left each other. Everyone has a life and it has varying moments with varying emotions. Nobody can be on a constant behaviour all the time and so I don’t see it as a disruption at all. I wish you both well as well. And Although I hope I don’t need to come back here but situations are not in our hands, right? Sometimes, we are overwhelmed and we seek others. I have opened up to my friends very honestly, told them of my insecurities and trust issues and they seemed to take it well. Thank god for such people. I am blessed.
I start maintaining a gratitude diary when I am too disappointed with life. I will begin again from today. Although I am not disappointed currently. I just want to write about all of you, the good people. The people who care. People who struggle, people who don’t give up and people who bring change.
I will come again if I am so utterly lost that I can comprehend my own thoughts but thanks to both of you and my friends… I feel more optimistic about everything.
I want to achieve my dreams, no more backseats. Now is the time.
I will leave a link to my website and blog here as well when I finish uploading the stories I am currently working on.
And you both are dear to me. I know you might not think much of it. But I think of you guys as my friends and have a sense of trust because of which I come here to talk about everything. I hope you would see me in the same light. Take care both of you and I hope the next time I post, I am not sad and lost instead am leaving links to my stories.
Love
Ik09
May 14, 2021 at 3:26 am #379874TeeParticipantDear lk09,
I am so glad you’re feeling better and have opened up more to your friends, being vulnerable, sharing your insecurities. Also, that you’re writing inspiring stories. I’ll be happy to read your blog once you upload it.
I saw the posts, you both left each other.
How do you believe I “left” Anita? Can you please share your view, because I don’t see what I did wrong in either addressing the issue of histrionic behavior, or treating her. I don’t see how I should have posted in a way not to offend her.
I believe Anita’s contribution here is incredibly valuable, and this forum wouldn’t be the same without her. It’s like 99,99% of her contributions are super helpful, only this one might not have been so much. That’s why I reacted. But she took it personally, she felt bad about it, and wished me farewell soon after. I truly don’t see my mistake here, but please tell me how you see it.
I enjoyed communicating with you too, lk09, and hope to hear more from you, not only when you’re “so utterly lost that I can comprehend my own thoughts” but otherwise too 🙂
Wish you well too!
May 14, 2021 at 4:03 am #379875Ik09ParticipantBy my line ” I saw the posts, you both left each other” I meant that I saw the posts you left for each other to read…..means I saw the conversation between you both…..
Didn’t mean that anybody left anybody… hehe, sorry for the punctuation mistake
May 14, 2021 at 4:08 am #379876TeeParticipantOh okay, get it. Yeah the punctuation can be a tricky thing 🙂
May 14, 2021 at 4:14 am #379877Ik09ParticipantTeaK,
Don’t worry too much about her reaction. I love how you felt you needed to defend me, I felt you feel I am your friend too but as for Anita, she always came to my rescue, every single time I needed help.
I don’t find either of you wrong.
Anita had told me that I have attention-seeking behaviour in the past as well. But I only take the advice which coincides with me, if I feel it isn’t, I don’t think too much about it. Reason being that all you guys know about me is through my words only. And moreover, you guys help us think better, all the people who are posting. So I do think about all you guys say…. but if i feel that I don’t have tendencies as mentioned, I do not spend a lot of time stressing over it. If it bothers me a lot, will come and talk to you guys about it. So don’t worry.
I respect both of you immensely and have grown to love you as my friends.
Anita, sometimes we do not expect the replies we get. Let’s take it in our strides and think about all opinions before taking a strong step. I know you did it for your own mental sanity but TeaK here feels guilty about hurting you verbally when it wasn’t her intention. I hope you interact with her again and please use my thread to do so. I don’t mind at all.
We have no retakes at life, let’s not leave anyone unhappy or discontent.
Love and Respect,
Ik09
May 14, 2021 at 4:46 am #379878TeeParticipantDear lk09,
I am glad you didn’t actually need my “rescue” and can filter things that you don’t think apply to you. I wasn’t sure, so I thought I better chip in… well, it ended how it ended.
I don’t really feel guilty, but I was and am willing to consider how I might have still hurt Anita unintentionally. You say you don’t see it – glad about that. If Anita feels like talking about it, I am very open to it – better to talk things through if possible…
I care about you too, lk09, you’re an amazing young woman and you deserve all the happiness in the world. Take care and keep us posted!
May 14, 2021 at 8:16 am #379880AnonymousGuestDear Iko9:
“I feel more optimistic about everything. I want to achieve my dreams, no more backseats. Now is the time”- I am thrilled to read these three sentences, you made my day, Ik09!
“I just want to write about all of you, the good people. The people who care. People who struggle, people who don’t give up and people who bring change”- this is who you are: a good person who cares, a person who struggles but does not give up, a person who brings change.
As you proceed, Ik09, please choose wisely the next young man you get invested in because when you were invested in the past, you spent so much time and so much emotional energy on the man, and the results: you were left exhausted and depleted. You need a man who is emotionally healthy enough to be able and willing to carry on a healthy, loving relationship with you, a man who will add to your mental health, not subtract from it!
anita
June 1, 2021 at 2:22 pm #380831AnonymousGuestI hope you are okay, Ik09.
anita
June 1, 2021 at 10:00 pm #380849Ik09ParticipantHi Anita,
Yeah I am good and Healthy. A little trouble in the job front but rest is fine.
My sister got married but she is still staying with us. She got the excuse of covid to not to her in-laws. Anyways, it is none of my business.
About him, I don’t want to but I think about him everyday. I think it goes away with time or with a new person in your life. But I think I don’t consider him as someone who hurt me so I bear no negative feelings for him.
My father has started his research for me. They believe in astrology so their first evaluation is based on birthcharts of the guy and the girl. If they are okay then he will find out about their family, his job and literacy of the overall family. Then he said he will give me a chance to talk and understand. I don’t think about it too much or I get stressed. As it is my job stresses me a lot.
How are you, Anita? I hope you are safe and didn’t fall sick due to the ongoing pandemic.
June 2, 2021 at 6:25 am #380865AnonymousGuestDear Ik09:
Thank you for asking: I am okay in regard to Covid, being that I’ve been fully vaccinated (Pfizer) since March and vaccines are very effective against the virus (will need booster shots later). In regard to the U.S., where I live, I am worried about the radical, authoritarian right wing that controls the Republican Party- that it will take over the country in the next few years, turning democracy into an authoritarian regime. It’s a real threat.
I am sorry to read that your sister is living with you now that she is married. I hope that she moves away sooner than later. I hope that more and more of India gets vaccinated as quickly as possible. In regard to your father having started his research so to get you married: I don’t believe in astrology but good thing astrology is only a “first evaluation”. Further evaluations make sense to me: finding out about his job, his family, their literacy and giving you the chance to get to know the guy (and decide on a Yes or a No, I hope!).
I think that it is possible that you are afraid of being in a relationship/ afraid of intimacy, and that is why you fantasized a lot about being in a relationship but in reality, you stayed in long-distance relationships where you hardly spent time with the supposed boyfriend.
You can read about Fear of Intimacy in psych alive. org. (no spaces). This pdf includes pictures, drawings, comics, diagrams- a well organized, colorful format that includes the topics of attachment theory, the inner critical voice, and more, and it lists names of books that can help you.
Here are quotes: “Why is it that we push love away?…Interpersonal relationships are the ultimate source of happiness or misery. Love has the potential to generate intense pleasure and fulfillment or produce considerable pain and suffering… When you long for something, like love, it becomes associated with pain, ‘the pain you felt at not having it in the past.- Pat Love, Ph.D, author The Truth About Love”.
Here is a quote that I think fits you very well: “We may be tolerant of realizing our dreams and desires in fantasy, but very often we are intolerant of having them fulfilled in reality”. If you look it up and want to talk about it, please do. I wonder what is stressful so much about your job (?)
anita
June 2, 2021 at 9:20 am #380874Ik09ParticipantHi Anita,
I can understand the fear in you. A good government gives confidence to it’s citizens to grow better while a bad one will always shift the responsibility for their decisions to the citizens and the opposition.
Even my family and friends have been vaccinated and waiting for our turns for the final booster shots.
About work, The place that I am working at is an advertising agency. It is a mid sized company and has been good to its employees in the past but due to losses in the current situation, we were all either underpaid or have been given threats to be laid off if we are unable to bring business within a period of 6 months.
I am happy to inform though that my research paper which I worked on past year during the lockdown has been accepted by a reputed journal(within India) and will soon be published. And because of that I got some confidence in me and have started researching and finding out about my options for a PhD programme at a foreign university, I am evaluating my options based on availability of scholarships and also preparing for good Indian colleges as well.
The job is fine but it makes me overwork and underpaid(currently) so creates dissatisfaction in me. And I want to do something where I keep growing better. So, I am continuing to work here but I am trying to find better options.
About being afraid of love and intimacy, it is true. Because I unconsciously push even friends away. I have been afraid of doing that to people I love as well. But in all honesty, with the recent ex, I really wanted things to work. I had worked hard for a job in the same city as his… But due to pandemic, a lot changed. The place I was accepted for an internship cancelled my internship. Because of which I had to join another company online which wasn’t good enough. And since the lockdown here continued, so even during placements, I did not have a lot of options. So I chose whatever seemed good enough that time. I actually wanted to be in the same city, explore each other better, go on dates, hang out in each other’s places, have an experience of being around one another to know how life would be.
This I didn’t want with my first ex because I was afraid I might not be able to tolerate his anger issues, which was true… During the last year of our relationship, we often fought on small issues. We didn’t stay mad at each other for long but the fights were numerous. So I was actually afraid of a life with him.
But it was different with the last guy. But yes the intimacy issue exists. I have given time over it and thought about it.
I will have to work on it going forward. I want to have a happy life now on, life will always have challenges but I don’t want to be stressed about everything all the time. Some dept. should be peaceful, shouldn’t it?
June 2, 2021 at 9:43 am #380875AnonymousGuestDear Ik09:
Thank you for your understanding. The current white house occupants: the president, vice president and their staff and appointees are fine and dandy with me. It’s the current Republicans in congress and not knowing who the future white house occupants will be is what worries me.
Glad to read that your family and friends were vaccinated! I hope everyone gets vaccinated everywhere in the world.
I am sorry to read about the overwork and underpay at the advertising agency where you work.
Congratulation for your research paper having been accepted by a reputed journal in India, awaiting publication!!! Good thing you are researching and evaluating your options for a PhD program, and scholarships.
“with the recent ex, I really wanted things to work”- but he is emotionally unwell, too unwell to make things work in a relationship (with you or any woman). He has a whole lot of work that he needs to do individually before he can be part of a healthy-enough relationship, I believe.
“Life will always have challenges but I don’t want to be stressed about everything all the time”- first priority: keep your stress level down, absolutely. You are welcome to post here anytime, and if you want my input on any topic- address me individually by name, and I will reply. I hope you have a restful night!
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 