Dear miyoid:

I do hope that you get free from this jail you’re in.

Isn’t it interesting how in this world of global warming, political radicalization and pandemic on top of the ongoing crimes on the streets, and so much more-  the small jail cell you are in is all about two people: you and him. And the misery is about his fluctuation of behaviors that are fueling your fluctuations of mood: “I was kind of fluctuating between moods…the fluctuations continued. One moment he was all in love with me again.. looks at me and speaks to me with so much love and the other moment he acts very cold”.

I am glad that you posted, good to read from you on this Fourth of July, Independent Day, U.S. I wish you broke free of your jail cell. I wish you were Independent of this fluctuating guy.

anita

Dear miyoid:

I will write more tomorrow morning (in about 11 hours rom now), but for now, I read some of your previous posts and I can’t think of any more of a mismatch between you (suffering from separation anxiety) and him (suffering from symptoms of borderline personality disorder, something you brought up, not something I brought up). His unstable, quickly shifting hot/ cold behaviors toward you, and him seeking other women, is very bad for your mental health. You need a stable boyfriend, someone you can count on, someone you can trust to be the same from moment to moment, day to day.

I am worried about how much more harm you will suffer since it seems like you are unable/ too scared to separate from him. The entropy you mentioned in your original post of this thread, the movement toward mental disorder and chaos- this has increased because you are in a relationship with a man as acutely unstable as him.

It seems like you are simply unable to get him/ let him be out of his life.. no matter what he does, just as you were never able to separate/ break up with any man before him, no matter what they did, how they used you and whatnot.

I hope to read more from you before I return to your thread (it is now almost 5:30 am your time, which may mean that you just went to bed after being up all night..?)

anita

Dear miyoid:

I re-read a lot of our communication on this thread this morning, and I don’t want to repeat what I already wrote in many essay-like posts. I want to write more simply to you today, and I will try:

Two days ago, July 4, you wrote: “I.. want to get free from this jail”. I then suggested to you, by mistake, that you and your boyfriend are in a jail cell. You corrected me, saying: “he’s not even with me in the jail. I’m here all alone”-

I think that what’s keeping you alone in this jail cell is fear, and fear is the reason behind your arrested development, meaning, behind you being a 23 year old woman stuck/ imprisoned in the emotional brain of a 3 year old.

When you really were a 3-year old girl, and onward, you suffered from a severe lack of consistent loving attention, for too long.

For a child, a consistent-enough loving attention is like a solid ground that makes it possible for the child to stand up and walk around. A severely inconsistent loving attention is like a very shaky ground, making it too scary for the child to stand up and walk around for fear of falling down.

When you were a child, to avoid falling down, you stayed down most of the time (if one doesn’t stand up- one doesn’t fall). Mostly, you did not go out and about, socializing with children your age, which would have required you to stand up, walk and run. Instead you spend many, many hours sitting in front of the computer.

As a very young adult, in your relationships with men- you stayed down as well by enduring any and all of their misbehaviors, including your current boyfriend’s misbehaviors, never standing up and walking out (“they kinda did everything they wanted and let me go when they got bored”, June 2019).

In Oct 2020, you wrote about your childhood: “there were rare moments like the ones I’ve mention that I can call peaceful and happy. But other than that, my childhood was 90% depressed..  I thought I would be loved someday”- 90% of the time you were down/ depressed, but you hoped that some day, the ground underneath you will stop shaking, and you will be able to stand up, walk around.. maybe even run.

About that childhood hope and what happened to that hope, you wrote back then: “Even though I was depressed, I could motivate myself from time to time to hold on, study, and get better. Because I thought it can get better once I get to a good university, then.. I’ll find someone to be companions with each other and I’ll feel safe, eventually. All of these happened, the university has come to an end as well. But that mental abyss kept growing”-

– Notice, you wrote that when you were a child, you were able to motivate yourself to hold  on, as in trying to stand on shaky ground, or a ground that may start shaking at any time, by holding on to a wall, or holding on to a heavy piece of furniture and use it to stand up and do what you needed to do: study, hoping that if you study well, you will finally be able to stand on solid ground.

But.. it didn’t work out and your hope has lessened and lessened- that’s the mental abyss you mentioned, seems to me: the lack of hope.

In April 2o21, you wrote: “I realized that all this stuff I thought I loved, I just love the outcome. For example, I thought I loved drawing, designing, handling business, communication, interpreting, video-editing, reading, languages. But I’ve realized, I don’t like the process of doing those… I just wanted outcomes, not processes”-

– The process requires standing up and walking around for too long, which is too dangerous when the ground is shaky, and you are in danger of falling at any time. The outcome you wanted has always been a solid ground.

“There is no consistent relationship, no consistent field of work or interest. Nothing is consistent about my life besides being inconsistent”- a shaky ground is indeed inconsistent.

I think I developed my shaky ground concept long enough.

Question is, what can you do now: how can you overcome the fear of standing up, how can you motivate yourself to stand up and walk out of that jail cell when the fear is too strong and the hope is too weak?

Earlier this year, you wrote, as if answering my question above: “I don’t know… I don’t know what to do. I feel, Idk, burnt out. I feel empty.. I have absolutely no idea what to do at this point, I would choose to just stay in bed and sleep for days… crying and being miserable”-

– is this still your answer still?

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by .

Dear miyoid:

“In moments like this, he just tells me that he doesn’t want to be anyone’s anything. But he also told me that he would never do the same mistakes again with other people”-

But miyoid, of course he’ll make the same mistakes, and more mistakes, with other women. He said he wouldn’t- but from all that you shared about him, there is no way that he will magically become mentally healthy and not repeat his mistakes with another woman. Actually, when he suggested that he made mistakes- that’s a euphemism. A much more accurate wording would be to say that he is and has been severely mentally ill.

“Right after I’ve learned to earn my weekends and spare myself some time to relax, he is out of the picture. This breaks my heart as well. He was upset because I didn’t and couldn’t spare any time for us to just spend carelessly”-

He expressed to you jealousy about you having spent more together- time with other men before him, but that doesn’t mean that he wanted to, or that he was able to spend more together-time with you. His jealousy and ability/ willingness to spend much together time with you are two separate things.

From your previous post: “He learned all about it and he’ll continue with this lesson, maybe he’ll be happy with some other girls and I’ll be standing all alone”- he said he learned. He didn’t learn because he has been and still is severely mentally ill. Not long ago you had to take away from him razor blades and a rope so he doesn’t cut/ hang himself, and he was hospitalized- these indicate severe mental illness.

“It just breaks my heart how he can move on like that. He can move on, he can deal with the fact that I’m devastated and he can leave me like that….  I feel so much resentment towards him and towards life”-

– Miyoid,  the fact that you have been with him all this time and that the only way to have separated from him was if he made it happen indicates to me that your mental health is lacking. You have to take yourself and your mental health seriously. I know you feel old, but you are so very young, in your very early 20s. You can have a better life. The way it has been so far doesn’t have to  be the way it will always be.

I hope to read from you soon.

anita

Dear miyoid:

I will reply to you in a few hours. I hope that you feel comfortable to post anytime, add your thoughts, express yourself, whenever you want to.

anita

Dear miyoid:

“So I must learn to get over this by myself. I must learn to be peaceful and feel safe on my own… I cannot trick myself into another dependent relationship…  I’ll always miss him because of the family-like feelings he made me feel”-

(1) About the “dependent relationship” part of the quote above: there is a term called interdependence. Wikipedia: “In relationships, interdependence is the degree to which members of the group are mutually dependent on the others. This concept differs from a dependent relationship, where some members are dependent and some are not”.

In a healthy romantic/love relationship, both parties are dependent on each other. Both parties are weak and strong. The woman has to be strong-enough for the man, and he has to be strong-enough for her. It is therefore important that in the future, miyoid, you don’t accept just anyone as your boyfriend. Instead: choose a man who is strong-enough to be in an interdependent relationship with you. And within the relationship, be strong enough for him. If you again accept a man like your most recent boyfriend, a man who is severely mentally ill- a healthy relationship will not be possible yet again.

(2) About the “family-like feelings” that he made you feel: as you know, you did not/ could not choose the family you were born into. But you do have the opportunity to choose a boyfriend.

(3) About the “feel safe on my own” part of the quote: try to aim at feeling safer, instead of feeling safe. I personally have to endure some anxiety every day, and aim at being mentally healthy while anxiety is part of my life. I can’t imagine any person who does not suffer from some anxiety every day, not in our world of violence, sickness, global warming, and so on.

anita

Dear miyoid:

You are welcome. “Whenever I feel vulnerable..  that vulnerability or anxiety makes me want the connection one more time, without any further intention. No plans, no nothing. I just feel the need for that connection without any logic”-

You can’t get rid of your strong need for connection. But you can open your eyes,  see and choose a man who you can connect with and depend on him and on the connection. This most recent boyfriend is not a man you can depend on, and therefore, the connection with him broke again and again.

A child does not have the opportunity to choose her parents. But you have the opportunity to choose a boyfriend. When your eyes are closed, logic is not available for you, and “that vulnerability or anxiety” guides you. When your eyes are open, logic is available to guide you.

anita