It’s the same for me: when I have a gut feeling about something, it’s pretty much always right. Having said that, I have no problems discerning whether it’s a gut feeling or something else. I know, and these days I also trust that feeling and listen to it. So the fact that you are unsure either means that it’s your mind is playing tricks on you, or that you’re just not comfortable with your intuition. Now having said that, I’m under the impression that women in general have easier time sensing things and having that “sixth sense” about things. I don’t know if that’s true and if it is, is it an actual biological thing or social conditioning.

So, that wasn’t really helpful at all 🙂

I say that in general it would be a good idea to work on your self-esteem. I’m not saying that it’s too low, but that it’s never a bad idea to have more. When you respect yourself and care about yourself, you know what you are comfortable with and what is crossing a limit to you, and assert those boundaries. That’s also when insecurity, which causes jealousy, starts to disappear. So not only should you trust your gut more and be comfortable asserting yourself, you wouldn’t worry over something that’s actually nothing. I recommend Nathaniel Branden’s Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. It’s a classic and very good. Not a fluffy self-help book, but a solid understanding of the subject.

It certainly is a fine line between what is wisdom and what is fear. Fear will absolutely destroy a relationship.

The best thing I would say is try to look at the situation objectively. Look for the facts and evidence in her actions that would lead you to believe she is entertaining a bond with this other guy. If you cant come up with one thing to really sink your teeth into, you’re only left with paranoia and fear being passed off as intuition of what “might could be.” The fact she is being responsive to your concerns and agree’s with your analysis that this dude is being a bit too chummy is a big thing. Someone who really likes that attention isnt going to be so quick to see it as a threat, i.e. as you do, none the less take action to mitigate it.

Communication and trust is what you need here my friend. You dont want to push her away by depriving the relationship of either. We have a really nasty habit of letting our insecurity and fears turning us into self fulfilling prophecies. She needs to see you as strong and confident and you need to do these things for yourself as well.

I think, if I am not mistaken you want to know if it’s your insecurity speaking to you or if it’s your gut telling you to watch out. That’s tricky because sometimes we think we are following our intuition but rather it’s just our fear playing tricks on us. But I have discovered a sure way to find out the difference.
Sit with it.
In other words have some alone time and relax or meditate and bring up the situation and concentrate on how your body feels about it. Get a sense about it. In other words you will probably come up with a feeling you cannot quite name that makes you feel uncomfortable. If you work with feelings that are in your body you will always sense the truth about any situation because the body’s felt senses never lie. The trick is to learn to tune in to the feelings and understand what that feeling tells you.If you’re not someone who is in touch with your feelings or intuition you’re not going to have an amazing epiphany so be patient, because this works. And when you know how to tune in properly your true intuition is never wrong.
I would suggest also talking to her and telling her truthfully how you feel (the level of truthful depends on how comfortable you are with her) and most importantly watch her reaction and your own reaction to ascertain what’s really going on.If what is happening is that you feel insecure about yourself then knowing this will allow you to work on those aspects of yourself to make your relationship stronger with her. This part is about you. However if your intuition is right and you are sensing that something is starting to develop between the two then you need to understand what you can do to nip this in the bud. It might not be anything to do with this guy but rather it might be about your girlfriend. Maybe your girlfriend likes the attention she’s getting from this guy that she wishes she was getting from you. Ben you seem to be someone who is quite switched on, so really it’s about trusting what you feel to be right. I am sure you will make sense of it.

Clearly she has picked up on the fact that this bloke likes her otherwise she wouldn’t be saying that she needs to watch how she treats him. But then being a woman myself what she says could be code for her trying to tell you that perhaps you need to watch out as someone else is about to hone in on your territory and that you need to pay more attention to her needs, otherwise she could be tempted. It is impossible to tell because I don’t know her or you.But you certainly can have access to this by watching her reaction when you talk to her about this and even watching your own reaction will start showing whether there is genuine concern or if you’re just tapping into your own insecurities. Whichever it might be don’t jump to any conclusion until you know what’s really going on.

I’m sorry, even without expletives that’s pretty harsh. People who speak in code tend to rouse my ire, but that’s no reason to unload it on you.

What I meant to say was this: Dear Shae, if you do find yourself communicating in code this way, consider that it might be much more productive to find an alternative way to make clear what you need. Risking your relationship by dabbling with adultery seems like an unskillful response to a sense that your needs are neglected. Perhaps, if a situation like this comes up, you can try to address this more directly, by saying something like: “I would like to spend more time with you,” or “When you [do x], I feel neglected. Maybe we could do more [Y] so I can feel [appreciated/closer to you/loved/recognised/whatever it is you need].”

If you know what it is you’re trying to say, and you haven’t been saying it in words, it’s time to speak up.

Oh dear. I would argue that those women’s boyfriends are better off without them if that’s the way they behave. Sounds like justification for poor behavior/blame shifting. If you don’t feel safe or confident to ask your partner for what you want or need, you’re either in the wrong relationship or you need to do some work on self-esteem before you even enter into a relationship. I don’t think being open and honest are characteristics of an “ideal world”, it’s mature adult life. I appreciate the example of the “big bum” question, but I think there’s a world of difference between fishing for a compliment and cheating on a partner because you neglected to speak up for yourself. Your friends should have the decency to end the relationship if they’re not satisfied and then they’ll be free to be with whomever they wish. I don’t see any reason to believe from Ben’s post that his girlfriend is one of these manipulative types of women; in fact, she handled it quite respectfully by saying she would watch her behavior around the other man.

That said, I think your advice to consider other perspectives is always healthy. This situation might warrant a follow up conversation to make sure the girlfriend feels happy and her needs are being met in the relationship.