Home→Forums→Relationships→Is it me or just her? Need some guidance and advice
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June 15, 2019 at 5:02 am #299269
MichelleParticipantAnd I meant to add – I know you will find it hard not to text her. If necessary, put your phone away and go for a walk outside, do something else. Don’t give in to the feelings that are probably yelling at you right now to text her, to get in touch and share this. It’s your fear talking. Be patient but firm with yourself on this one.
June 15, 2019 at 7:06 am #299289
AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
I talked to her and it was quite positive.
I will update you the conversation once I get home
June 15, 2019 at 9:46 am #299301AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
I met her during her work break as we have some work event going on, She is Y and I am J
J: I want to speak to you about something, maybe not important to you but I want to let you know.
Y: What is it?
J: Do you find me draining towards you at times?
Y: Sometimes
J: Ok, let’s take some space from each other.
*Y Smile*
J: I read it up online and decided that having space is better. I realised that everyday when I text you such as “how are you”, in the past, it used to be more enriching but as of now, it feels more like an obligation or an order to reply to. Taking space doesn’t mean we are cutting contacts, it is more of texting less.
Y: You text me because you want to keep the text conversation going?
J: Nope, Because sometimes I don’t get to talk to you, so texting you is a way of connecting with you, to know how are you doing. I do have a best friend and I don’t talk to him everyday because we know each other so well that we don’t have to. It is both way traffic in friendship communication, one has to initiate and another will receive. Our conversation in the past used to be joyful and we share a lot but nowadays it seems so heavy and serious.
Y: I am good at taking space and I am ok with it. Previously, You show face to one of our colleagues regarding the work deployment at the event when we were working together, your face changed.
J: I didn’t because before the event I checked with him, he will be alone and when you decided the deployment area for us, it is actually quite tiring and I had already sort out a plan that we can be together with the colleague and also make our workload lighter.
J: let’s take some space from each other, maybe a few days perhaps.
Y: Actually there isn’t a need to, but I am fine with it
J: I just feel that after our misunderstanding, it took a toll and taxing on us. We need time to heal ourselves at least.
Y: But I am not affected by it and I am ok with it already
J: let’s just take some space for a few days
Y: I am ok with it if you are
J: You know you are my crush and it is wrong to have feelings for you
Y: It is not wrong to have a crush on me
We finished our conversation and went back to work. I texted her saying that we need to keep in touch and I know I am draining for you sometimes, but we do keep in touch. But she replied: I am not affected, space is not needed and misc
I told her that I find it very weird to be telling you about taking space but since you say you don’t need then we will just be normal and let the flow be.
Here come the questions
Am I complicating things? She says that space is not needed so should I just be normal with her?
My point of view is I needed some space off because I find myself to be very draining towards her. This friendship is exhausting for both of us and we needed some space for maybe a few days.
Because we used to share a lot of personal matters with each other, I am worried if after she knows that I got a crush on her, will she still share her personal matters with me? As in will it be because she knows I got a crush on her thus the trust has been compromised?
I feel that I am overthinking and not being myself. I need to find myself back again.
Because my grandpa passed away two weeks ago and he was very close to me. She says she will come and be with me but she didn’t and I feel disappointed and angry thus I say some mean stuff which I shouldn’t have.
And one of my colleagues mentioned that she used to talk about me a lot with her in the past but nowadays my colleague brought up my name and she didn’t react to it. So I am thinking if actually our friendship has gotten damage in a way.
I like her and there are other guys eyeing on her too. The anxiety is real.
June 15, 2019 at 10:27 am #299305MichelleParticipantHi JHK.
Ok, so you spoke to her after all..
So, my honest take on the very well transcribed conversation. You do well for the first 10-11 lines, up to when you repeat about let’s take space ( J: let’s take some space from each other, maybe a few days perhaps, Y: Actually there isn’t a need to, but I am fine with it).
At this point, she has already said she is fine with it and smiled at you understanding the need for it. So there was no benefit in repeating it again, it would have been a good point to finish the conversation and move away or onto something more neutral, light.
You can see the conversation change from there, in that she is telling you she is not affected either way, with or without space. She is telling you that your actions do not really matter to her, same as it does not matter if you do or do not have a crush on her. She is unaffected by you, your actions, your feelings – she knows she is not responsible for them, you are.
Why did you feel the need to text her the same information after you had finished talking? That is immediately going against what you said about giving her space, isn’t it.
Having a crush on her is not wrong, feelings are just feelings. But she does not need to return them. Yes, other guys will be looking at her as an attractive, single woman and I’d suggest she may very likely go out with them or this other guy you have mentioned previously. That is normal too, not something to have anxiety about. You can be disappointed and upset she does not return your feelings, does not have a crush on you, but not anxious – two different things.
Sorry to hear about your grandad, were you very close?
June 15, 2019 at 10:55 am #299307AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
I am very close with my grandpa.
I find it redundant that I actually send text to her again. That’s why I find the whole conversation to be very weird. It is going against what I said to her. It is just I want to summarise up what it is.
Because crush is always one sided unless feelings changes.
I have a very bad thing in me, I am always feeling guilty over things even though the matter is closed. It feels like a bad point for me and girls might feel it as being a turn off.
June 15, 2019 at 11:31 pm #299337MichelleParticipantHi JHK,
I understand you thought you were simply summing up the conversation you had with her by text, I’m just trying to help show you how it could also be interpreted differently, as in “oh, he’s texting me again already even though an hour ago he said he wouldn’t do that”.
I am sorry about your loss of your grandpa, it is very difficult, losing someone close to you. So I can understand your anger towards this woman for not being there for you the one time you asked her for help. It is good and healthy to be able to express the anger and disappointment, if done in a clear way.
Yes, a crush is one-sided. That is why you are feeling and acting one way and she is feeling and acting differently, she has no crush or romantic inclination to you. You can see this even in your last conversation where she makes it clear she is not affected by your crush on her.
What do you feel guilty about?
June 16, 2019 at 12:00 am #299341AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
I totally agree! That’s why I told her that I find myself to be weird sending you text even though I told her that we need space.I couldn’t figure out why she say she doesn’t need space, so the whole situation feels weird. I think I feel so attached to her that I am always curious of how is she doing.
I did told her that texting her because I don’t want this friendship to feel disconnected I am not sure why but it seems that we are both avoiding each other somehow. It is like we never approach each other much as we used to. Verified by a colleague because she also notice it.
I did told her that after clearing our misunderstanding, everything feels so rush and it is my fault that when she say she need to stay away, I should have given us a few days of space because everything feels so rush. That leads me to have the thought of having space and time to heal each other.
she did feel very bad about it and I do not want to blame it on her. She did explain to me her reason why she couldn’t be with me.
I don’t always have such situation with a friend so I tend to feel very guilty about it. I am so focus on her that I overthink a lot.
But I don’t understand why is she very calm about me having a crush on her. I thought most girls will be awkward about it. But I did told her that let’s just be normal about it.
I send her a tweet about an article and she read it but didn’t reply. I am being calm about it. I feel that we have a lot of things left unsaid and I do want to understand how is she feeling about it.
June 16, 2019 at 12:10 am #299345MichelleParticipantHey JHK.
Why would she feel awkward about your crush? It is simply you telling her that you like her – and her replying she understands but does not feel that way about you. You are friends, you have cleared the air about it and she has moved on. End of story there for her, nothing more to think or feel about. You are not who or what she spends her time thinking about.
But it’s not the end of the story for you. And that’s what you need the space for – it’s not for her, it’s for you. You need to work on letting your crush on her go, you need to start to practice thinking about other things in your life. You can spend all day thinking about her, this situation and it isn’t going to change it. There is nothing you can do to change it. Now save your friendship by stopping your overthinking and treating her like a friend, like your other friends.
Do you think you can manage not to text her or get in touch any other way today?
June 16, 2019 at 2:33 am #299351AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
Can I put in words that it has past so just let it be?
I do feel guilty because it feels bad hurting someone when my intention isn’t meant to be in that way.
Is my overthinking affecting the friendship in any manner?
I don’t know if I should pursue her because I do like her. But I feel that I am piling up a lot of pressure on both of us.
Actually I did not text or even get in touch with her today.
June 16, 2019 at 8:24 am #299363MichelleParticipantHi JHK,
You can do whatever you think is best, it is always your choice, nobody else’s. I am just trying to help you see how your actions may likely be interpreted, what the consequences of your choices may be.
If I understand you correctly, you want to write to her about your crush has gone and so you are friends again? Or do you mean something else? Either way – I would write nothing. There is nothing new to say on this subject, you have talked about it, before and you have forgiven each other. There is no need to reclarify or repeat what has already been discussed many times now. There is no need to feel guilty, you had no intention to hurt her and indeed she is no longer hurt.
Yes, your overthinking is affecting the friendship because it is affecting you. I hope you have continued to not get in touch today.
June 16, 2019 at 8:34 am #299365AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
Not getting in touch is the same to give space?
I am actually feeling good not giving her a text today
I am considering to just drop a text maybe few days or perhaps next week, is it appropriate to do so?
June 16, 2019 at 9:37 am #299367MichelleParticipantExactly – giving space means no contact, either in person, phone, text, facebook, whatever. Just space.
I’m glad you are feeling good about not texting today – well done. It will make a difference to you both and stop those stagnant non-conversations that were not helping you.
Something simple and non-emotional, mid-week or later sounds fine – even better if you have something new you have done by then to tell her about.
June 16, 2019 at 4:09 pm #299379AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
I am considering to just drop a text at the end of the week actually.
I feel that we have been indirectly avoiding each other somehow, minimising our contacts with each other.
June 16, 2019 at 11:25 pm #299407MichelleParticipantHey JHK,
End of the week, even better. Sounds good to me.
All friendships/relationships go through phrases, you guys have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for a while, so it’s completely normal to both take some time out and let that settle a little.
June 17, 2019 at 12:06 am #299409AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
I agreed. Maybe I will just drop a text at the end of the week.
I saw her at work and just asked if she is actually avoiding because I feel it is. Because I am not sure is it because of my confession that makes the friendship a little awkward.
Even my colleague also said that we used to be so close but nowadays we hardly talk to each other.
Because we are both exhausted and drained, so perhaps taking some space from each other slowly.
It feels so surreal because she is doesn’t often communicate out the problem we have.
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