Home→Forums→Relationships→Is it me or just her? Need some guidance and advice
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June 17, 2019 at 12:21 am #299411
MichelleParticipantHey JHK,
So, that wasn’t the best thing to do, asking her if she is avoiding you. That is another emotional-based conversation, isn’t it. How did you think that would help at this point? If I was her, I expect she was still patient with you externally but internally thinking “here we go again….”
I know it is hard for you, but healthy friendships/relationships do not repeatedly try and discuss or raise the same issues when you have already discussed them, agreed them, cleared the air and forgiven each other if necessary.
Good relationships are not always discussing problems. She does not feel or think that there is a problem – it is only you who still feels like you have a problem. She does not see drop in communication between you as a problem because your communications are not something that brings pleasure or value to her now. This is why you need space and to communicate differently with her – about things that are not discussing your perception of issues between you.
I understand you are not content to leave it alone, that you are still worrying and puzzling about it. This is what you need to work on – by yourself, on here, or with other friends, not with her. You need to practice on conversations and actions that are positive.
June 17, 2019 at 12:30 am #299413
AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
I agree that I shouldn’t be doing that. But my curiosity has gotten me to do it. Because after we clear the air, I just feel that something is missing between us.
I think time and space is the best way for us to heal each other. I am the annoying person at this point, keep repeat the same questions. I did apologise for asking it.
I understand because our communication is always so heavy in content, very draining so I should change my perspective on it? I think that’s the reason why she doesn’t want to mention about me much as used to because it is considered to be unjoyful?
I used to be positive. I am quite disappointed that both of us are at this stage of friendship, things used to be so good.
Could it be I am paranoid or perhaps insecure?
I am probably the worst crush for her
June 17, 2019 at 12:44 am #299417MichelleParticipantHey JHK,
Yes, you have understood correctly, your current actions with her are no longer joyful to her. And I agree, it’s not your curiosity why you keep asking but your insecurity, a lack of confidence in yourself and your attractiveness to her, as either friend or relationship. This is why even though it’s hard you need to try as best as you can to stop communicating with her on any of these emotional topics – post them here, pretend you have asked them out loud, whatever works to stop you sharing them with her. Because you are not going to get a magical answer from her that will take the feeling away – it will go away through actions only.
Trust me, I’ve been there – you can get the reassurance you need one day and it will last for a while but then the insecure voice comes back, whispering to you, but what about this, did they really mean that….I should ask straight away….to take away this worry…etc etc. I think you get the idea.
The way to tackle insecurity is to work on yourself. It is good news that you used to be positive – means you have some experience of it. You just need to find your way into increasing your confidence again, especially when dealing with women I suspect. We can help here and there’s a lot of good advice on where to start, looking after yourself physically and emotionally, learning to hear the insecure voice and then choosing to ignore it, knowing that not all thoughts are correct thoughts.
June 17, 2019 at 1:00 am #299419AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
Am I the unjoyful or my questions are unjoyful for her?
The insecurity is a torture, I have never feel so insecure with her before. Because it is emotional topic and I keep asking is because she has the tendency of not facing a problem when there is, leaving it to worsen sometimes.
I agree, it is having one questions being answered only to lead to a whole new question.
I need to start reading on how to improve myself emotionally and mentally, perhaps it is because of my grandpa death that leads me to be overly sensitive to everything.
We use to be so positive and always eager looking forward to each other… now things seems to be so different
June 17, 2019 at 1:26 am #299421MichelleParticipantHmm – difficult one to answer. The best way I would explain it is that your questions are unjoyful for her now, but they are only unjoyful because you are not feeling joyful about your relationship right now, if that makes sense. That’s why all the advice about holding off on the questions until you are back into a positive place. When you let fear/insecurity drive you, the results are never good.
You are missing how it used to be and want that back. For that to happen, absolutely, read and practice about improving yourself emotionally and mentally. Without a doubt your grandpa dying is going to have left you shaken emotionally too, especially if he helped you through tough times.
June 17, 2019 at 1:33 am #299423AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
Because I am asking unjoyful question, when looking at me will remind her of the unjoyfulness thus causing tension between us.
The result between us isn’t good, she seems to be less talkative with me too. We used to have lots to talk about.
My grandpa stayed with me for more than 20 years, he witnessed my every milestone. I am very shaken thus very sensitive towards mentally and emotionally.
Anyway, I send a text message, the last one and I will be taking space from her
Here’s goes:
Actually I am tired of asking those questions, I believe you are even tired than me. I know what is past is past and shouldn’t be brought out.
Don’t want to have things left unsaid or clear
Because I hope nothing will affect or change anything between us
I promise I won’t ask you such questions again. Second promise to you
June 17, 2019 at 2:09 am #299425MichelleParticipantSo, not such a great idea the last text – try and make sure it really is the last one this time…
Yes, it is completely understandable how shaken you will be from the loss of such a big part of your life with your grandpa’s death. Another good reason to take care of yourself both emotionally and physically.
I’ll be out rest of day, back tomorrow. Try to do something different, something you enjoy as well as read more on improving your self-esteem/confidence, it will all help.
June 17, 2019 at 2:18 am #299427AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
Is it because we were suppose to take space but I still send her a text?
But my colleagues told me that she is tired of people, what does that mean?
June 17, 2019 at 6:14 am #299439AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
Here’s an updated text conversation that we had, I am J and she is Y
J: From my grandpa admitted into hospital till his death, I haven’t been myself. Negative than positive, bad more than good and pessimistic than optimistic. Overthinking at times, doing all the weird stuff. Sorry for being a burden to you, give both of us some time, I will be myself again.
Y: take all the time you need
J: Yeah I know, I have been shitty towards you, me being unjoyful.
Y: You do you, I do me.
J: ??? I don’t understand
Y: Concentrate on yourself, I can take care of myself
J: Ok, sorry for all these saga
Y: Meh. I am ok.
J: you are always ok, even when you aren’t, you will say you are ok
Y: But it is not affecting my work so I am okay
J: Can say that I am officially worn out. It is affecting me at work in a way.
Y: We all can see
J: Ok, I know you aren’t the type that will say comforting words so it’s ok. Have a good rest, seeya tomorrow
Y: Just do you. I am fine, don’t worry about me. Worry about yourself.
J: I never worry about you. There is nothing to worry about. If only I got enough leave to take from work.
Y: just be okay?
J: You? You referring to yourself?
Y: To you
J: if only it is that easy, I know you can listen but you are tired but also coping. I shall end it here. Bye. Good night.
J: Anyway, hows your tendon?
Y: Getting better
J: That’s good, no more hunchback
J: Anyway good night
Y: Good night
J: Sorry send wrong but it’s ok. Good night
June 17, 2019 at 11:13 am #299483MichelleParticipantJHK,
Back earlier than expected. My thoughts;
– Yesterday you were planning not to text her again until end of the week. Then this morning you text her, telling her again you will be giving her space, making it a second promise to her. You really definitely intend this to be your last text to her.
– Literally less than a few hours later, you have another long text conversation with her. Do you see how this breaks your promise already, both to yourself and to her.
– In that same conversation you say goodnight to end the conversation and then immediately follow up with a question about her tendon, prolonging the conversation as much as possible.
I presume because you have now been dwelling on how your grandpa’s death has affected you and thought you should share that with her. That it would help explain your behaviour to her and I am guessing you hoped it would mean she would be close to you again, forgive you.
But she does not need to know, she does not need to forgive you. She tells you this very very clearly ( four times! ) in your last conversation with her. Each time she says something like “you do you, I’ll do me” she’s saying what we discussed before – she is looking after herself emotionally and she expects you to do the same.
Can you see the pattern here – each time you think you learn something about this situation – your instinct/need is to share it with her, hoping it will fix it. You are still not respecting her space at all, one thing she has asked you for previously. You are not looking after yourself emotionally, another thing she has asked you for. If you care for her, for anyone – you listen to them and you respect their wishes. You are not listening and not caring for her – you are prioritising your own needs for her attention, to satisfy your own insecurities, above what she has actually asked you for. Do you see?
Now I’m guessing based on your pattern so far, you are now going to feel a need to think about this and then use it to communicate with her again. If you truly want this situation to improve and for you to become a confident, positive guy again – don’t do it. Sit with anxiety, go for a walk, post here, whatever. Your first step forwards is to break this habit/dependency.
Trust that makes sense – it may sound harsh but you have a habit of hearing what you want to, not what reality is.
June 17, 2019 at 7:57 pm #299563AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
Because I have been figuring out why am I reacting in such an unwelcoming manner, being unjoyful, overthinking, being the most negative and pessimistic person. Because it is my grandpa death, I thought I have sorted out my emotions and feelings, moving on with life without sorting and arranging my own feeling and emotions. It is actually an emotion backpack on me which I wasn’t aware of. That’s why I decided to tell her that it was from the time my grandpa being admitted till his death, I haven’t been able to be myself. I am trying my best. That’s why I apologize to her for all these sagas.
That’s why when she sees me, she might feel uncomfortable and subconsciously avoiding me and for me because I do not know how to face her thus I am subconsciously avoiding her too.
When she says you do you, I do me, is it because even though she has forgiven me but she still needs time to heal herself?
What does it mean when she doesn’t need to know and doesn’t need to forgive me?
Honestly, I feel even though we clear the air, both of us needs time to heal ourselves because it is by far the worst misunderstanding we ever had, even though she says she is ok, I just feel she isn’t ok about it which I don’t get why she didn’t want to tell me the truth. Because I did tell her that it is better not to left things unsaid. I am actually contradicting myself, telling her to have space but I repeatedly do the same and wrong stuff, going against what I say.
I need to adhere to it, giving space for both of us. Let her be the one that text or reaches out to me?
I need to stop all these guilts and stop saying sorry. I need to be the same guy again, pick myself up again, the positive guy again. Even some of my colleagues are saying that they want me to be the cheerful guy again, nowadays I am so gloomy. I need to be empathy towards her. Because I always care for her and she isn’t much of a caring type of person so I cannot expect her to be the same as me. I am too anxious in trying to fix everything when I didn’t take in that space and time is very essential in this. We are suppose to go on a trip next month, I don’t even know if it is going to happened.
I decided to take leave from work today because I am tired of being in people’ crowd, I need time to sort out myself again, Everything seems haywire. She texted me this morning asking if I didn’t get sleep that’s why I took leave.
Honestly, is there even a chance for me to mend and repair all these that I have done? even though she said she is ok with it
June 18, 2019 at 12:37 am #299583MichelleParticipantMorning JHK,
When she says you do you, I do me, is it because even though she has forgiven me but she still needs time to heal herself? No, what she is telling you is that she wants you to look after yourself, she wants you to focus on yourself – not on her. She has forgiven you already, you have no need to focus on her, that is what she is telling you. You need to work on accepting it as the truth, not seeing it as her pretending there is no problem.
What does it mean when she doesn’t need to know and doesn’t need to forgive me? What I meant here is same as above – she has already forgiven you, it is just that you do not accept that as the reality because you still feel awkward about it. She does not. This is why you do not need to apologise or explain any more to her why you have not been yourself. She already knows, accepts, has forgiven. She does not need to hear it either again or any new revelation. She simply wants you to focus on yourself, on helping yourself through your emotions and lack of confidence.
I need to adhere to it, giving space for both of us. Let her be the one that text or reaches out to me? Absolutely. Like she has this morning, checking in on you since you have taken a day off from work. I hope you managed to respond with something along the lines of “I am ok, I just needed a bit of time to myself”?
Honestly, is there even a chance for me to mend and repair all these that I have done? even though she said she is ok with it Absolutely, yes. First – she wouldn’t be texting you if she wasn’t still concerned about you as a friend, that is her showing she cares about you still. Second – you really haven’t done that much in reality – a lot of what you are concerned about is in your head and in your head alone. Any good relationship, friendship or otherwise is strong enough to survive a few misunderstandings, a few mistakes, which is all that has happened here.
The only real danger is to continue letting your over-thinking and anxiety continue to be in the driving seat and making poor decisions for you. That’s why it’s important to spend time on yourself – like she is telling you to do.
It is ok, normal to feel sad and lost after losing someone close. You do not need to magically become the cheerful happy guy again just to fit in at work, it will come back when ready. But you can help yourself in the meantime by practicing calming yourself when you feel anxious, sad, being ok with your own space.
June 18, 2019 at 2:28 am #299595AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
Maybe I am still having the guilt of the misunderstanding so I keep having this thoughts. But I never focus much on her or perhaps is it because I am focusing and caring for her but I wasn’t aware of it?
I am the one that is being awkward over here and I wasn’t aware at all. I am foolish. Where is my lack of confidence towards or focusing on?
I was very surprised that she checked on me this morning when I reported in my work group chat that I am taking leave from work. She privately texted me. I did told her I need some time alone, the message as follows: I woke up and suddenly realise I am tired handling people’s crowd, I need some time alone to sort out my feelings. Everything seems haywire. I need some time.
Maybe because I had experienced friendship setbacks before, so I am becoming very particular over such matters, be it trivial or major. I just feel that I am being a burden to her in some ways with all these nonsensical words and actions that I did. I told her that I shouldn’t have channel my negative energy on her, draining her.
By her telling me to take some space, she is trying to give me the message that we both need some time and space? But she is contradicting herself when she said space and time isn’t needed. Taking space and time isn’t a bad thing in a friendship or relationship?
She lost her father when she was a teenager, so both of are empathy towards each other. How I view her as she is trying her best to be with me, but she doesn’t know how. So what she does is just to listen, like what I have told her before.
I do know that I make some very bad decisions.
I do hope it doesn’t affect us
But I still like her and I wish something romantically will happen between us
June 19, 2019 at 12:42 am #299757MichelleParticipantHey JHK,
You’re doing ok, hope your day off work helped give you some breathing space, some rest.
I think it unlikely something romantic will happen, you have made your interest clear a few times now and she has not responded positively to it, has not given you any reason to take it further. I do think she cares about you and sees you as a good friend still. That is good and I think you will have to try to be happy with that for now. Even if she starts seeing someone someone else, you will still have this good friendship with her.
The space/time thing in relationships, it’s all about knowing yourself and the other person and being able to judge when it is helpful and when it isn’t. Taking space is a positive thing, it shows trust in the relationship. It allows each person to bring something new, something individual into the relationship, into the conversations. It’s a good thing, a necessary thing. But it takes judgement to know when it is helpful and when is not helpful – that takes practice and being confident in yourself, not letting fear drive you.
June 19, 2019 at 12:56 am #299759AnonymousInactiveHello Michelle
It did give me some space but if only I can take one more day away to rest myself up.
We are still pursing our own happiness, maybe the time isn’t right. I did tell her that I got a crush on her, I believe it started out around this year even though I have know her for 2 years. It was very casual when I told her that I got a crush on her. But I do not know what’s my next step about it.
Actually, I did read up on our past messages and I did give her space before. So I am not sure is it because of me having a crush on her that clouds my judgement and thoughts?
I didn’t text her today, how I inferred it that we both do need space and time to heal a little. Because I just feel that we are indirectly avoiding each other, trying not to bring up each other’s name. I have always been the anxious one, trying to rectify matters and get it sort out as soon as possible, but not considering that this was the biggest misunderstand we had. We used to do overtime together but it seems that recently, she is trying to avoid letting me know that she is doing overtime, but I don’t mind whether she did ask me to overtime with her. Even my colleague mention that she used to mention about me often but recently, she is trying to avoid mentioning about me and change topic straight.
Will trust be compromised? Because we used to share a lot of our personal matters with each other.
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