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Is it me or just her? Need some guidance and advice

HomeForumsRelationshipsIs it me or just her? Need some guidance and advice

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Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 164 total)
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  • #299783
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    Just to add on, just having a thought that is it suppose to be even though she has forgiven me and I have put away my blame on her, we clear the air, but it is still going to take time and space to heal us because things aren’t on track as it is?

    Because I keep asking nonsensical questions, it got on her nerves and needs space to cool it off?

    #299905
    Michelle
    Participant

    Morning JHK,

    Hope the rest of your day went well.

    I’m not sure I understand what you are asking – it reads to me the same questions we have already discussed?

    If it helps, this is where I think you are at.

    You have developed a good friendship with this colleague at work, one where you became close and you helped her a lot with dealing with her last breakup. The friendship is mostly work-based with a lot of text/social media contact outside work, but not much meeting up by yourselves – correct?

    At some point, about a year ago, you realised your feelings for her had developed into something more for her, something romantically inclined and not just friendship.  I assume what you call a crush means you would like to start to date her, become physically intimate with her, to evolve into a relationship if it went well.  However, as she was your good friend and your work colleague you felt these feelings were ‘wrong’ and tried to hide them for a while.

    Then things get complicated when the two of you start discussing if you or her ‘have a crush’ on each other, by which I mean you are both trying to find out if the other likes you more than just a friend. From the conversations you have shared, I understand that you have confirmed your crush on her but she has said often she does not have a crush on you.

    When your grandpa dies, you look to her for comfort, expecting her to be there for you. She is not. You have a big disagreement about this and the previous crush conversations, with your anger and disappointment in her coming out and you say some things you later regret.  You both eventually have a good conversation and clear the air on this, apologising to each other and accepting the apologies as honest, true.

    The friendship carries on but becomes stagnant, mainly through multiple very frequent similar conversations. It does not feel as close as it has before to you. You do not accept the air has been cleared satisfactorily. You dig more and more and the conversations go from stagnant to draining, as they repeat heavy emotional based conversations.

    This is the point you reach out for help on this website, as you notice she is becoming less and less responsive to your various ways of contacting her. You also want help understanding if she is interested in you as a romantic partner and what you should do about it.

    We, and others, help you explore what has happened and through examining events as you share them with us, it seems clear that at this point in time, she is not interested in you romantically but does care about you as a good friend.  It is also clear that the friendship is being strained by the constant emotional contact/conversations, where you look for reassurance for your insecurities in the friendship.

    She says clearly and correctly, “you do you, I’ll do me” – meaning as we have discussed a lot, you need to take care of your own emotional needs first. She is ok right now and does not need you to worry about her or your relationship. She wants you to focus on healing yourself from the loss of your grandpa and your own insecurities.

    You begin to try this but find it very very difficult to not contact her with further emotion-based conversations. You are unable to accept or trust that the friendship is ok, feeling a need to continue to ask her, to reconfirm.  You have a strong tendency to over-analyse, creating issues where there are none currently.

    And so this last is what the space is for, for you to get strength and heal, to focus on yourself. The space is emotional space only, in that it is not that you need to stop contacting her, it is that you need to change the communications. No communications where you are repeating of the old topics that you have both agreed are done and ok.  No stagnant or heavy conversations. This is why you need to do or read different things, so you can tell her about them – things that aren’t about your friendship or your hopes for a relationship.

    Trust that helps for today. Take some time and think it over.

    #299921
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    “You begin to try this but find it very very difficult to not contact her with further emotion-based conversations. You are unable to accept or trust that the friendship is ok, feeling a need to continue to ask her, to reconfirm.  You have a strong tendency to over-analyse, creating issues where there are none currently” –  I agree, I just feel so surreal at times.

    Both of us are law enforcers and we were deployed to the same work area and I didn’t get to talk much with her. But we have some small chats, just a very brief text chatting. Because another colleague was talking to her most of the times during the deployment, so I didn’t get to talk much with her. I did talked to her at times, but it was very brief,.

    Maybe it is more of my side, still needing the alone time. Before I left for my other deployment, I did tell her that I am sorry that we didn’t get to talk much, she just gives me a smile. When we finished work, I bumped into her and she said she is sleepy.

    I feel that my bad point is I have too much empathy on others leading me to be overcaring for others, putting others in front of me.

    Is small text conversations appropriate?

     

    #299923
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    To add on, does my actions considered as being paranoid?

    #300083
    Michelle
    Participant

    Morning JHK,

    How are you doing today – sounds like work went better yesterday?

    To me, it sounds like all is going better, you aren’t having those repetitive deep, heavy conversations with her, no stagnant text conversations, just light, quick chats at work – that’s much healthier right now.

    When you say “small text conversations”, what would you like to write to her?  One way that might help you tell if it is too emotional/heavy for now –  is it something you would write to other friends too? If yes, then it seems good, if no – then pause to think about why you want to say/send that.

    That help?

    #300085
    Michelle
    Participant

    And no, I don’t think you are paranoid as such – just very over-anxious, especially about losing your friendship with this woman. By decreasing your emotional dependency on her, you will both be healthier/happier yourself as well as presenting yourself in a more positive light to her. All good.

    #300107
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    I feel that I am too emotionally and mentally affected past few weeks, the guilt that creeps up on me causes me to have such issues. The text I send are more of sending a video tweet, asking how each other are and I ended the conversation. The second day, I send is telling her to rest well. I am trying to keep the conversations light, slowly and not moving in too fast. But our conversation are mostly light, be it verbally or text. I am not sure if it is considered to be fine.

    I am not sure but could it be I am the more initiative type of person to care for people?

    i am glad I wasn’t paranoid because it will be quite scary.

     

    #300147
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    To add on, what should I do if she read my messages but doesn’t reply?

    #300153
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey JHK,

    Heading out now for rest of the day – so quick answer for now.

    If she has read your messages and not replied, there is nothing to worry about. It just means it is time to stop sending her texts, no more today, no more until she does respond. She will eventually, when she is ready. A lot of people, myself included, do not reply until much later, often days. This is why you have trust in relationships, knowing they will get back to you when they are ready to do so.

    So go do something else, talk to someone else. It simply means it is time to focus on anything but her. What you do not want to do is to worry about it, do not send her more texts in the hopes that the ‘right’ one will get a response – and you most defn do not want to send a text apologising for the previous texts or in any way asking why she hasn’t responded. This is space time!

    This is absolutely the time to listen to what she has said and look after yourself, focus on yourself. No more contact with her until she initiates it.  And no need to worry – this is normal for a friendship,  very very normal, healthy.

    #300303
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    I am just worry that our trust between each other might be compromised or affected after the hurtful words that I said to her previously even though we have clear the air. The hurtful words are I brought out her ex which she has bad memories of because she has hurt her ex previously.

    I don’t think she will even text back actually

    #300309
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey JHK,

    I am assuming that your last texts to her were still light, friendly? She may text back eventually, she may not. Either way it is ok – not all texts need a reply and if it is just that you are texting too much for her, this is her way of telling you to back off, to give her space for a while. Mostly people are just busy, especially on a Friday night! I expect/hope she was out somewhere, enjoying herself, relaxing after a hard week at work. Hopefully you did so too.

    What will not help is you texting more or re-opening the old emotional conversations.  I know you still worry about it but this is your problem that you are trying to work on. In reality, there is no problem, you both made mistakes, you talked about it and agreed all was ok. The only reason to feel trust between you two is compromised is if you are still feeling angry at her, if you haven’t really forgiven her even though you said you have?  Feeling that she hasn’t really forgiven you is just your insecurity talking, not reality.

    Hope helps.

    #300311
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    I just send her asking how is she because we are both tired from work. She said she is same as me and I ask her what’s her plan for today, she read but didn’t reply.

    Because we used to share a lot of personal stuff so I am not sure if the trust is compromised thus she might stop sharing her stuff.

    Just that I wasn’t sure if we might grown apart or drifted from each other

     

    #300315
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey JHK,

    Sounds fine to me. She may well not reply if she doesn’t feel like getting into a longer conversation or if she doesn’t want to share her plans with you or if she’s making breakfast or if…….you get the idea, there are many many reasons why she might not reply. Your brain is just programmed to jump to the one you are worried about. As in I bet you do not worry like this if your other friends do not reply?

    If she does, great. If not – it’s also ok. What you need to do now is not text her anymore today. If she wants to talk, the ball is in her court now. She will share when and if she wants to. More texts or heavy conversations from you won’t help her feel like doing so.  So you need to figure out how you best enjoy your Sat without any more contact today.

    I’m heading out now too – back tomorrow, hope you do manage to enjoy your day.

     

    #300317
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    I know there are many reasons to it. Because we used to always share our plans for the day  with each other. Because during at work, she said she don’t know what’s her plan for the day, so I just give her a text asking about it.

    Maybe it is the daily engagement that we used to have that prompts such worry.

    I have decided to stop texting her. I just feel that she needs the space from me more than I need it from her.

    #300339
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    To add on the point, she did say once before when we clear the air, she doesn’t wants to disappoint me because she doesn’t wants to disappoint me, I am feeling that she is being cautious and building a wall on me because things just doesn’t feel the same as it is.

    What should I do about it?

Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 164 total)

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