Dear Cali Chica:

I grew up with a jackhammer (I am liking this new term), a woman who is manic, frenzied, anxious, going on and on and on about things, nonstop, talking to me anytime, no consideration of my need for silence, for a break from that jackhammer, inconsiderate of me, on and on and on.. . Fast forward, any noise I heard as an adult was magnified, in my own brain, taking on the jackhammer-of-my-childhood quality:

A dog barking- jackhammer! I can’t stand this noise, when will it stop, what if it never stops! The owner doesn’t mind disturbing me this way, thinks I am not worth it to be considerate of me!

Neighbors noise- jackhammer! how rude, do they think I am so  worthless that it is okay to disturb me this way (angry!) I am stuck in never-ending noise!

A person talking a bit too much- jackhammer! How rude this person is, how dare he talk and talk and talk to me (angry!) I have to get away!

anita

Dear Cali Chica:

Being trapped with a jackhammer, as a child, trapped because neither escape (Flight) nor Fight are options, time feeling eternal, the child’s neurons get overly agitated, overly excited, more than the organism can endure. The organism adjusts in a variety of ways, but a functional damage of  sorts has been done to the brain. The neurons in the brain are … forever overly agitated, unless a long-term intentional practice of Calm takes place.

What happens next is that wherever you are, the jackhammer is there too, a moment of silence is followed by hours of noise, noise, noise everywhere, fear and anger activated anytime, anywhere.

anita

Dear Cali Chica:

“the frustration arises- of not keeping the calm (when you know better)”- the know better you are referring to is an intellectual/ rational/ academic-like knowing. This is a different kind of knowing than the knowing required in this step of the process, or journey. The intellectual knowing is easy, a walk  in the park, compared to the knowing that is required now.

The woman in the “snazzy wonder woman costume” changes into a “slim nude colored dress: clean lines, simple silhouette and natural”- the elegant dress  is like intellectual knowledge, easy to put it on. You put it on, look in the mirror and say: I look elegant! You feel elated. Then you go into the world and the day wears off, you get tired, a person bumps into you and spills a bit of coffee on your dress (people who annoy you), and you don’t feel elegant anymore. Soon enough you are a snazzy wonder woman inside an elegant dress.

The knowing required now is the (for a while) excruciating moment by moment by moment acting elegant, acting calm, according to your intellectual knowledge. The acting itself, moment by moment, hour by hour, all day is the knowledge I am talking about.

True elegance is in that Calm we’ve been talking about, calm inside that dress all day long, even if it is a bit wrinkled and has a spot of coffee, still your head is held high, posture good, calm facial features, calm, confident voice, elegant mannerism all through the day.

anita

Dear Cali Chica:

Not in “fake it till you make it”- because you already are elegant. You don’t have to fake elegant, and you were calm enough, before the jackhammer drilled into your poor brain day in and day out throughout your childhood.

What I suggest is a return to being authentically you, not a fake-it-till-you-make it (a catch phrase that is a term fitting a… snazzy wonder woman, not you!

Do you want me to elaborate more?

anita

Dear Cali Chica:

You wake up in the morning, what do you do first, second, third? Plan it. See to it that somewhere in that list you make the bed and put items in their place so that your husband feels comfortable when he arrives home from  work. The list you make, it will be authentic to you, not a fake-it list. The list will fit what you authentically value.

You were told throughout your childhood that you were messy. You were told that by a jackhammer who underperformed a broken clock in number of times being correct in what she said. So messy is not your authentic self. I know it isn’t. Incorporate Neat into your list. You value Love, so you incorporate seeing to it that your husband feels comfortable and appreciated when he arrives home later, seeing that you care about what he wants, a neat home. You value elegant, so  don’t rush through the list. Notice: you can move fast but not rush, there is a difference.

Well, make that list.

anita