Dear Anita,

Good evening, my time. I did work step-by-step today. And that I did what I needed to do, what was beneficial. Without over communicating it to myself, or to others. As in, less talk more action.

I thought about today on my walk home, how my mother always gave myself, and then my sister, Cole examples” of people who are doing things right. It could be anything, oh look at that girl at the gym look how great she isn’t working out. I’ll look at that Woman and how she is always so well-dressed. Oh look at that husband. I’ll look at that child and how behaved he or she is.

This is not news to either yourself right. We know that is, that she was at work focused, and always finding other people to talk about. But randomly it occurred to me today ha ha if I have to write down almost every single person she referred to quite often, at this stage in my life looking back, 95% of these people were extremely immature. They were not what they seem to. This could be By chance, but I know it’s not. It’s that she often picked and chose individuals to put look up to Uncle that we’re very outward and the expression of who they were. There was no social media back then, but if it wasn’t current time, she would be sitting there admiring the woman who consistently talks about all the nice things for her husband does for her on Facebook. I would say oh look how lucky that lady is. Or if it was to happen in present day, she would praise the young kid who is constantly posting how many she or she gets in gym class every day, saying what a stellar child.

Back then we didn’t have such public displays of bragging, but what we did have is talk. There’s always been talk hasn’t there, Anita. In every age, in every culture.

Individuals who talked and talked. Talked about how great their life was, talked about how great their marriage wise, talk to about how great their vacation was, talked about how much they exercise. The people who continually talked and talked, she praised these people.

She listen to what they said she absorbed it, she was a perfect target! But they were trying to do, by talking so much that their life appeared someway, worked, on her. And then as I got older, it worked on me, incessantly hearing about these peoples on the types of things that they were doing and how great your life is, subconsciously it gave me the pressure to always do better no matter what the sector, I never realizing what I had first of course.

Anyway, I thought about how she has always praised people who simply talk, and often never did, often boisterous, and talking out of their Burt/nonsense. And in every culture there is the term, talk is cheap. But those words were never on it from my mothers mouth. Of course not, because as I became older, she became the person who continue to talk about how great her life was well she abused me. She became the person who talked about how great she was and how humble and wonderful while she continue to abuse my sister and I.

nonsensical chatter.

This term comes to mind I will reflect on this.

Good morning Anita,

This morning I did not go step-by-step. This morning I woke up tight, stressed, frustrated. I woke up feeling a lot of tension in my body, a lot of annoyance. My husband was on call last night, he was called a few times overnight which naturally disturbed both of our sleep. This is not uncommon it happens every once in a while, it comes with the job. However, this morning I was quite frustrated. I thought to myself I just need some rest, he just need some rest. I am not complaining about the jobs because he did sign up for it we actively chose both of our careers. But I am just sick and tired sometimes. I talk so much about how I don’t want to go here or there or talk to this person or that, but that is hardly the case. I Just want to feel refreshed. This is what I felt like this morning. And well – it Wouldn’t matter if I had a few weeks off if in my brain I wasn’t able to feel at ease, of course I don’t have to tell you that.

Let’s see what else – on my end here there are some updates and thoughts. Many thoughts as always. Here it goes.

Last year around this time actually my husband and I were finalizing our plans for the next step. We were in southern California looking at jobs and were also open to Denver and some other locations. At the time the best opportunity for me in the region presented itself in the orange county area of CA. Surprisingly as it is a beautiful, expensive, and competitive market there. I found an opportunity with a hospital in which I would have a good position with opportunity to grow over the years (I want to utilize leadership skills one day) and with great benefits and good work/life balance in the sense of vacation time/sick days (very uncommon in medicine). The salary would be a pay cut from the East coast / NY area – but the overall package was fair and made up for it – especially given the location. Thus a good package over all – maybe even a great one.

My husband was very happy about this for me, and he felt very proud about it. However, at the time he was looking to join the practice of it sooner individual who is out there in the area.Spoke with him multiple times and even met with him and his wife for dinner while we were out there. They seem like a very nice family, and the physician was Quite notable in his field yet quite humble.

I did have a certain strange feeling about it though. My husband would be essentially independent in the sense of starting his own practice, but would be able to share the resources of this individual who is very established in the area. Therefore he would be paying for the cost of sharing his resources including his office space staff and marketing. This is not uncommon. However, the price that this position was quoting us was very high. Given that my husband would not have any revenue or any new patients there for at least six months to a year the cost benefit ratio did not seem very reasonable. Often in these scenarios what happens instead is that there is a 50-50 share. The new position doesn’t get a salary per say, but whatever he does make, he gives back 50% to the company or the owner to cover the costs of his overhead.

This is “standard” in many areas. Anyway I know I am telling you a lot of details about this, but at this time this is the part of my life, and situation that is most pressing so you may be hearing about this more.

Anyway, at the same time, my husband got a job offer from the place that he is working now in New York City. We waited both options. I had good options in both areas, Southern California or New York City as I have mentioned prior my job market is very open. With him, after everything that we had gone through mentally all the torture an emotional trauma from my mother, he wasn’t necessarily Ready to go out there and hit the ground running and started his own practice. And employed position at a large hospital that was more stable seemed to be a better idea. That plus the fact that this individual that I spoke about above wasn’t being very reasonable and the financial sense of how my husband would be sharing costs as noted. At the end of the day it was our gut feeling to move back to NYC. Place that is home, and very close to his family friends etc. not to mention we do love the city life.

So here we are now it is summer 2019. His job, That’s a prizing Lee, is very taxing. This is in some major surprise and that we are really disappointed. Taking a job at a large academic center near a city with a high volume of patients many of which are very difficult, and the stuff that is less than ideal is a known burden. This is why many people move away, I have mentioned our friends that moved to Florida, and there are many others were moved all over the country.

So here we are again, what to do?

Interestingly a few weeks ago there was a job posting for my field, anesthesiology and Denver. It looks like a great job, and in fact it was a location that we had visited on our last trip there when we were exploring jobs. I reached out to the posting, and it looks like they are interviewing soon. This opened up the conversation again. What is our plan. Do we want to stay here? New York City is great, however the weather as extreme and not predictable, my husband and I do love outdoor activities, we would much rather spend the entire day out on the lake or at the park then barhopping at this stage in our lives. However we truly do enjoy the walk ability of the city, you really don’t need a car and you can walk anywhere and everywhere just with in a few minutes whether it be Central Park, or a live band concert you truly can live whatever life you want. There are 90-year-old grandmothers to live here so they can enjoy the vibrance of the city as there are new college students who are partying till all hours of the night. There is something for everyone and anyone. And the energy, that palpable feeling is unbeatable.

The weather is not predictable but there is nothing like a summer nearest city the city truly blooms everyone comes out from every nook and cranny to enjoy what the city has to offer whether it be young families single people married people, tourists. It is vibrant.

So here’s the thing, what do we want in the next five years? We see ourselves having children in the next five years, do we want to raise them here. Or would be much rather be somewhere where we could be hiking one weekend and even skiing the next. Or less extreme, be able to take a nice walk outside and nice nature and scenery every single day of the year almost. All of these areas are far away from his parents, how important is that? We do want his parents to be very involved in our future children, would that be feasible from the other side of the country? They are retired and very flexible and supportive, they would be happy to come stay with us for even a few months at a time, but yet they are elderly, and their mid-70s, and they have their family and roots deeply ingrained in this area – we would not want to uproot that.

A lot of questions, and of course there is not one single answer. Thank you for listening to this stream of thought by the way…

Well I forgot to actually mentioned the important thing of resent I got carried away with talking about the concept of what to do. So like I said last year I was offered a position in the Southern California area, the one I outlined above. Very understanding when I told him that I was not going to take it as it wasn’t going to be the right idea for us to relocate at the time, the two individuals the older male physicians that would be my supervisors there were very supportive of this. (Uncommon)

I decided, what the heck let me reach out to them again. I emailed them last week just to touch base and see what their status was right now, and also to keep in touch. The main person emailed me back very happily and said that it was great to hear for me and that if I wanted a similar position was still available, and he would be able to outline it for me and even make some changes to accommodate what I was looking for clinically. This was a breath of fresh air. If for no other reason but human kindness. Someone who was not disgruntled/passive aggressive with the fact that I retracted my decision a year ago, and continue to be kind and supportive. That is a gem in this world. Regardless, I thought about it. Here it is, or year later, or you’re more healing our year of having moved back to New York City, our year of seeing that my husband has a very poor job market despite his extensive training given well just the market. Lastly, or year of suffering as well. Seeing that what is most important is inner circle. It doesn’t matter the job, the title, the fines, or even the outside family, what matters most is the daily peace and ease of my husband’s life on a day to day basis. ESPECIALLY if we plan on having children in the next few years! What Matters is seeing our dog testing out the water before he jumps and swims and seeing his face bright and happy like we have given him the biggest treat in the world. Matters is my husband and I are going for a walk outdoors in any place in the world but him not getting a barrage of calls and text messages from random disgruntled patients because the staff are on able to organize which phone calls he should and should not get. What matters is that he has peace. It may seem counterintuitive to say that, he chose a field that is very stressful. But I don’t believe this, environment is everything. We are not so foolish to think that if we move somewhere everything will just be perfect, but I have to say that the environment he is in now is quite toxic, probably one of the worst in the country that’s for sure.

Anyway, the supervisor from that job, in California, called me last Friday. We had a nice chat and he out loud and some of the things that we have spoken about last year when I had met him in person. I explained to him again that of course my husband’s job was the rate limiting factor, but at this point in our lives we were a little more ready to make that move versus last year, he said he understood entirely.

So then what would he do out there? Good question. We can reach out to the prior position again the one that he would be sharing space and overhead with, to see if the offer still stands, and perhaps he could make it more reasonable now if he still has a need.  Life is all about timing isn’t it. But you know what Anita you know what I want for my husband. I want him to have mental space. This is what I visualize.

I visualize us working here until about January. I then visualize us moving cost country to California. I see myself starting my job in about February, a job that I ease into as the tasks are outlined and it is of reasonable expectation.

but I see my husband, I want my husband – to breathe. After the phone call I had on Friday, my husband and I discussed this extensively for over a few hours. It was nice to actually have the mature and important/necessary  life talk.

Said to him you need mental space whenever and we will move whenever we get there, I want you to take a least a few months to do nothing. I want you to wake up every single day with the dog and walk a few hours if you want, I want you to be able to explore the land and heal your soul and heal your brain. I was able to do that somewhat this year because at least my job allowed me that mental space, you aren’t able to. In fact your job created even more mental trauma for you requiring even more healing.

Talked about everything that you have told us, how it is so important for myself to become an order for my husband to be calm. We talked about all of the advice that you have given me in regards to that, and how useful and precious it is. Talked about how a few weeks ago things are really bad and your advice was to get divorced, rightfully so. I talked about how bad things have really been for us all truly center in from the mother voice. It’s time to throw the mother voice away as well as SCC. It’s foolish and naïve to think that a geographical move will change your entire brain, and that you will leave the old skeletons behind. In fact many people are highly disappointed day in and day out when they realize, that wherever they go there they are. I know this. I also know that we need a new chapter, a brand new one starting from scratch. A fresh start.

a fresh start.

Nothing more then this is the time in which we need it the most, mentally. It is now that my husband suffers even more than I do. If you were reading this book like a chapter by chapter scenario, my mother has always been there she put forth a lot of her abuse and trauma on to me,me, then I project it onto my husband. I go ahead and I heal first, he then needed a world of healing himself. He needs to be able to start on his path. Just like I have. It is time.

I said to him I want you to take time to have mental space. And he looked at me and said yes that’s what I truly need (oh Anita it was so nice for him to surrender and say and admit that’s what he really needs) and he continues – but of course I’m scared to do that, it is hard to just take time off especially in our careers, what will people say what will future employer say, how can we swing it  we pondered it. I thought about it’s not a foolish/hasty thing, it’s not like saying OK  let’s quit our jobs and be surfers at a shack all day. But all I know is that over the last few years and the time that I have communicated with you, I can tell when something is the right decision, just like February 13 2018 when I knew it was the right decision to never speak to my parents again, something in my soul is ready and knows. And this time around I know, that what he needs his space, I will have a stable job and a decent income to support us for the amount of time that that it is, and slowly, slowly I believe he will be able to start his own surgical practice out there. Especially with the help of my ability to market/network expertly given my engaging personality, I was born to do that stuff (although at this exact second it sounds utterly exhausting in time I will look forward to it – not in a Super way but in a healthy productive way). But most importantly, the fact that after having mental space and time to have clarity and time to heal, my husband will be back, better than ever. Back to the vibrant person he once was. With passion and energy. Or no that is incorrect, perhaps not the person he once was, but a new version that has a fresh mind and spirit.  Time to renew and refresh. To feel like himself, to feel good.

thats all for now, thanks for listening. I wonder what your thoughts are.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your reply.  I am not sure if I understand your reference/questions at the end of the post – in regards to a relocation correctly. But I will post the following and see if I attended to your thoughts.

Children, yes there is a time limit.  I am 33, and I am open to having children in the next year.  In fact, I am going to the gyn in the next month for a wellness check up to begin the conversation, and see my options as far as any lab work or anything I need sooner than later, as I am approaching that 35 year old mark, where infertility is a bigger and bigger issue.  I am already prepared for this, knowing half of my friends have gone through fertility treatments – yet, I am not jumping to any conclusions about my own self – just yet.

So to move to the other side of the country and jump into having children, away from our main support – his parents – sounds foolish.  Yes it does.  Especially given that his job prospect there is to start from scratch.

So then other places.  there are opportunities – perhaps in the Dallas area where he can join a large practice and have a stable job.

As far as working another specialty, no it is not an option – given his level of training and, specialization.  Which brings me back to above point, yes OC/SC I have an opportunity.  But he doesn’t.

Maybe it is best to go where he has a SOLID formal stable opportunity.  I will find something there too, even if part time – and focus on the next phase of my own personal life – having children.

Next option, stay here.  My job is fine here.  His isn’t great, but it isn’t out of the question.  Also things do open up here, albeit extremely competitive.

There are many “options” and roads to take…