Dear Anita,

clearly I don’t need glitter, what I need is rest

Dear Anita,

growing up is what is needed. It’s the first thing that I thought about this morning. I was woken up by the dog abruptly at 5:45 Am. When I had a nice deep sleep (hardly ever happens).

I was angry. Not annoyed – no full on angry. My husband mumbles something about how we have to wake up soon and I said NO!!

no we don’t its an hour early.

I am sick and tired of putting rest second. This is not a rant against my husband but out loud. My dog wakes up on the dot at 6 am daily. He is trained this way because of our early schedules. Of course. He’s a dog. He’s extremely time oriented and “work” oriented as though he’s on a schedule on a farm!

Anyway ive had trouble sleeping for years. Usually staying asleep. I can never fall back asleep after being woken up. That’s why things like being woken up in the middle of the night for whatever reason get to me after a build up.

On the weekends we hardly sleep in as our natural clocks are programmed to wake early. Regardless there are some days we sleep past 6 or so if we stayed up late the night before.

We bought an automatic feeder for the dog that is programmed to release the quantity of food at a certain time. Used it in the past but was loud and not ideal. We usually are awake anyway at that time so it wasn’t helpful.

Yet the other night my husband was on call and was woken up twice around 2 am, I too woke up. I couldn’t fall back asleep until around 4 am. And was able to go into work later (yesterday). Yes of course the dog (who I love) wakes me up at 6.

I remind myself how we need to restart the automatic feeder for days like that where I could actually have slept in.

I found myself angry this morning. Not at the dog of course, but my husband. He often says things like, oh it’s fine we are up anyway when the dog wants to eat.

I felt angry at him for diminishing how important even an extra half hour or hour of sleep is to me / us if and when we could get it.

Cali Chica is tired. So tired. And she doesn’t have the best sleep. So if she can preserve it somehow she will. She has to.

So it sounds silly and likely it is. But I felt angry at myself for keeping the door open last night so the dog could jump on me at 5:45 when I could have slept at extra hour. And angry at my husband when I bring up the automatic feeder he mentions we are usually up anyway. Well what about when we ARENT!!!

it goes back to preserving energy.

Time and again we give ours away. Away away. We have none left. To stupid people to random things, to that horrific wife that day before the trip, to the horrific cousin at the end of the trip.

Even on Saturday we were out with my friends, great group we decided to join their dinner. I was happy to and my husband and I discussed prior that it will be a good idea, versus knee jerk socializing. Yet the dinner ended late and I was ready to go home. My friends all said okay stay for just a little longer. I felt firm in my head that I was tired. Knowing I can’t sleep in naturally anymore after all the years of early mornings, staying out late can get to me after a while. Even if I am able to go without much sleep. I frankly don’t WANT to anymore. Anyway my husband was having a great time and continued to say cmon lets stay a little longer.

Of course it ends up being 2 more hours, sure we have fun hanging out at the friends apartment quality time talking laughing etc. but I don’t need to get home at 2 am. We are not in our 20s

i told my husband the next morning this. He said he agrees, he realizes he’s been feeling so stressed and burnt out that he subconsciously wanted to stay longer with that good group to chase some relaxation likely. I said yes I know I’ve been there. But nothing good comes out of it. Feeling good comes from a healthy lifestyle. Staying out late screws up more for us than others even. Next morning waking up at 6:45 am and hardly having sleep and then Bam it’s Monday crazy work week and he’s on call.

I talked about how we both need to grow up. No not grow up. GROW THE F UP.

We don’t have the liberty to act like children, letting random people in to our inner circle. Giving our energy away like candy. Not having boundaries for our own energy. Now this is about both of us not just one of us.

So now this morning. When I wake an hour too early. When finally finally I could have actually slept in longer – for once having nice deep sleep. I am pissed off.

Tired from staying up until 2 am Saturday and not making up the sleep. Tired from being woken up multiple times Monday night because of the call phone calls. Tired.

So yes I want that automatic dog feeder set up. I want the door closed every night so the dog will not sleep with us anymore. My husband says why are you bringing all this up at 5:45 am. I say because I am sick and tired. And I need to preserve sleep first and foremost.

Yes does it sound like crazy angry person at 5 am. Sure. But maybe it’s a long time coming.

Dear Anita,

Anger go to place.  Yes, well you said that it is important I do not lash out at my husband anymore.  And here look – there I go again.

There is a lot of anger, perhaps maybe time to go back to the exercise, to get back to the angry roots (which are far deeper than of course anger at random people and lack of sleep) – I don’t know.

Maybe I need a time out – a big one…hmm what does that even mean? God, maybe I do need to go back on some medication? No, I don’t think so – I need to be more mindful, and know my anger-go to place is not right.  He is human, it is stupid to get angry at him for wanting to stay out late when he is stressed.  It is wrong to get angry at him when his cousin treated me poorly in London.  It is wrong of me to accuse of him for being immature – and allowing others to take our energy (horrific wife)

As far as work, yes less grueling, the physician I am working with is not fast paced or high energy.  Which today, of all days, is a relief.  It will allow me to go slower and rest between cases.  As far as the stretchers – there is not because I am in an outpatient setting (not a hospital) so we don’t have as many staff members, and we turn over much quicker (which is usually a good thing because higher efficiency better hours, no late hours or call).  You win some, you lose some.

Dear Anita,

This morning I was yelling.  It was like a crazy person talking to themself.  When the dog woke me up I was in such a deep sleep (seldom happens) that I woke up abruptly.  I felt so angry at – at —- my husband! I felt god!!! Why didn’t we put the automatic feeder on with the door closed.  Stupid husband always saying its ok he’s up early anyway! Well I don’t want to be up any earlier!!!! ROAR

He says its okay I am already up I’ll take care of the dog, you go get ready for work.

So this triggers me..

So I YELLED. I yelled and said something like: “god I am sick and tired of not getting sleep it is 5:45 AM, he is a dog – but we need boundaries! Don’t tell me it’s okay you are up anyway, I don’t want to be up earlier!!!!!! Staying out 2 extra hours saturday then up multiple times on Monday night, I can’t take it! I need sleep I need sleep.  I am sick and tired of giving my energy away!”

He says – why are you yelling at me? I am okay taking care of the dog, that’s why I said that.  Of course we can put the automatic feeder in.  Why are you yelling.

So in my rage I respond something like: “its not just about now – I am so god d***n sick and tired.  We need boundaries.  We need sleep and energy more than anyone.  Everyone else blood sucking leeches taking away from us, and we preserve nothing! I am sick of it.  That’s it.  If in the future we are out and I say it is time to go, we are leaving.  Just like our freind C (the ones who moved to Florida, his wife is quite “controlling” if lets say we are at a bar and she gives him a “look” he will literally drop his drink or toss it and say gotta go – when she says its time to go he obeys like a puppy) so  I say, we may think C and his wife are this or that, but they’re NOT!!! they are mature adults who know their limits.  When she says its time to go – he says okay and they leave.  They don’t act like 20 year olds running around without sleep.  I don’t want to live that way anymore!!

I get more angry.  (his friend’s wedding is coming up August 24, and you know how I feel about going to events and especially weddings these days).  I say if at O’s wedding you want to stay out till all hours of the night – be my guest.  I am not coming.  You know what people do – they do what THEY WANT.  You know how on fourth of July the (horrid wife) came and left when she pleased when we had the whole place set up.  who did she worry about?! HERSELF. Who do we worry about, others.  Idiots. Idiots we are.  So let’s say its our wedding, you think O is gonna stay out till 2 am if he and his wife need to work on themselves and there’s trouble in paradise.  You better believe he will be out the second its over.  But you, you will go along with it – you will say oh O wants to go out and do this, so I am going.

No more, next time we are out and we are tired, and I say its time to go, as in this has been a good night, more is not better – we are leaving.  I don’t want to be that controlling wife like C, but I have reached my limit.  I need sleep and I need us to grow up.

I was yelling and screaming Anita, enraged at 5:45 AM

oh and…

As far as the call thing, Yes I do sleep else where if I know he is on call, the thing about Monday is that those calls were slightly unexpected, it happens – it comes with the job.  It is foolish to get angry at the job.  and even worse to get angry at HIM because of the job.  But as above I was not being rational…

Also, Anita I can only see the edited version of the post (which is fine) I can not see the prior un-edited.

And I wanted to add, in my rage I said I don’t want to go to anymore weddings, sick and tired – so he can go on August 24th on his own. maybe this is a good idea…? perhaps

Dear Anita,

Yes this is what happened.  Yes you are right.  tore me to shreds that’s for.  I feel broken down and actual shreds as I type this, I feel sorry for CC as I type this.

…I also feel like everything and everyone (seemingly) is a blood sucking leech, taking away and away from CC.  Poor CC – she wants to scream.  She does.  She did this morning

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

my mom has no one, so  im her person. she always says how shes so happy that at least she has me. sometimes my dad is bad to her so then she has no one.  my poor mother she has no one.

(anita I am having trouble accessing what it “feels” like to be the hero – only thing that comes to mind is above if I channel Young CC)